Where should I start.....
Oh, how about how fucked up I feel...Aha..Yeap..Damn fucked up...Like 10 super fast train just going on me, crushing my bones, leaving me on the track, dead.
Life. Love. All that, seems to be crap when it comes to me. Nice, sweet, beautiful, great, it can never last. It always ends up ugly. But why do I feel this time, it will be beautiful? Or is that just some stupid instinct I should not trust? Why do I feel like I will end up with you? Damn. It's so difficult. Dreaming about you almost every night. FUCK! But, pity you also, to end up with a person as fucked up and damaged as me. Hmm...
I envy you. I envy your life, your parents, I envy it all. I wish I were you. I wish they were mine. Haihh...I thought I only fell in love with the son, but, apparently, I'm in love with the parents too. Daymn...
ARGH. Can I please go into a coma now and loose my memories? I don't want a single memory, because all of it was just pain. Happy memories? That too, it never lasted anyway. So, why think about it? It will only cause pain.
PAIN PAIN PAIN!! That is what Nathra's life is all about.
This is it. I still want to work in Jakarta. I want to go there, and live life there. Fuck everything else. I wanna be a gothic chick. Thick eyeliners, skinny body, fishnets, short skirts, CONVERSE, dark black hair with only few strands of shocking pink highlights, don't give a damn about anything anymore, being emo and dark all the time, hate people, hate everything...I wanna be that. LOL. Yeap. I will get a job in Jakarta. It seems like a cool place to start my new life. WOOT WOOT.
Anyway,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Crapping 101 #35 --> It's My Fucking Blog!!
Pengecut. Bangang. Pukimak. Sialan anak haram.
Kengkadang, rasa nak menjerit je tu. Tapi, orang dulu2 kata, kalau 'dont bark at a barking dog'...Kan? Takpe..biarkan je lah.
TAPI KAN!!!
DEAR READERS.....MY FUCKING BLOG, IS WHERE I CAN CRAP AND BULL ABOUT ANYTHING I WANT. IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ, JUST READ, SHUT AND QUIETLY FUCK OFF. IF YOU WANNA COMPLAIN BOUT SHIT, WTF? DON'T READ IT THEN!
Seriously. Ini blog aku. Ini diary public aku. Lu sapa nak kata blog aku tak patut ke, nak kata post aku camni ke, post aku camtu ke. Kalau aku nak tulis pasal lelaki, itu hak aku. Kalau aku nak tulis pasal hidup sialan aku, itu hak aku. Kalau aku nak tulis pasal agama ke, pasal kawen ke, pasal ape lancau ke, itu hak aku. Lu sapa?
Haih.. Sadis. Ada jugak orang yang bangang sibuk nak baca tapi nak complain2, nak sound2.
Bikin hati gua panas lah.
But hey, to those kind readers who does what I say, thank you.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Kengkadang, rasa nak menjerit je tu. Tapi, orang dulu2 kata, kalau 'dont bark at a barking dog'...Kan? Takpe..biarkan je lah.
TAPI KAN!!!
DEAR READERS.....MY FUCKING BLOG, IS WHERE I CAN CRAP AND BULL ABOUT ANYTHING I WANT. IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ, JUST READ, SHUT AND QUIETLY FUCK OFF. IF YOU WANNA COMPLAIN BOUT SHIT, WTF? DON'T READ IT THEN!
Seriously. Ini blog aku. Ini diary public aku. Lu sapa nak kata blog aku tak patut ke, nak kata post aku camni ke, post aku camtu ke. Kalau aku nak tulis pasal lelaki, itu hak aku. Kalau aku nak tulis pasal hidup sialan aku, itu hak aku. Kalau aku nak tulis pasal agama ke, pasal kawen ke, pasal ape lancau ke, itu hak aku. Lu sapa?
Haih.. Sadis. Ada jugak orang yang bangang sibuk nak baca tapi nak complain2, nak sound2.
Bikin hati gua panas lah.
But hey, to those kind readers who does what I say, thank you.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Crapping 101 #34 --> The battle I'm in...
The most important battle of life.
That is what I am going through now, I think. I feel, fighting my point, fighting my case, so just I would get him back is just so bloody important. I never thought I could love a human being as much as I love my baby Arrow, well, heck, I love this man so much, I'd do anything. Yeap, that's how much I fucking love you occay (if you read this!!)
It was nice to be able to talk to him the other day. Even though it ended up with him telling me to go do research. HaHaHa. AND I DID!! The answers I found, wow, miracles. Now, I need to talk to him again. If I'm a lawyer, I would definitely win this! HaHaHa.
I see a future with him. And I want him to be in my future. I need him to be committed. Can he be committed? Will he be committed in a relationship? HmMmMm. Well, I did get answers from him, and I hope he was not lying about it. I asked if he love me and if he even wants to be married to such a damaged and messed up person like me. I wonder what is on his mind. For the first time in my life, I could not read a guy. Usually, it was so easy to read men. This one here, this man here, damn, if I could just shrink myself and get into his brains.... What is he thinking? He makes me feel that he's confused and on top of that, he makes me confuse. LMFAO~
It's fucking weird.
I also thought about the question my sister asked me, "Are you desperate?" At that time, when she asked, I said I don't know if I am desperate or not. But now, after a week plus, I found the answer. I am not. Because, I can live without him. I can move on without him. But, I choose not to. All these while, I have never met anyone who can lift me up from being down, who puts a smile on my face no matter how shitty I feel on that day, who brings out the confidence in me, who makes me think like a grown up, who made the real me appear and make me feel so real. I am not talking all these because I am blinded by love. But I am saying all these because of deep thinking. I know what I want now. I know what I'm fighting for. I know of what I will be facing with. Hey, after all, isn't life a ride of rollercoaster? Life is a challenge, and I'm willing to face it.
See, when Nathra has set her eyes on something, a target, she can never let go. She will fight mati matian for it. HaHaHa. Yeap, I'm not a quitter, and I don't give up easily. Mulut jer boleh cakap give up, but I just won't. Determination. And yes, like he said, I am a pusher, and I am hard headed as shiet load, damn keras kepala, damn degil. But that is because, like I said, when I want something, I will get it.
Anyway, now, I wish he would talk to me. Cause, somehow, I feel like he's avoiding me. Hmmm... But hey, I don't know. After all, Nathra always think of negative before positive. HaHaHa. Can't help it.
Alright. Enough with all these crap now.
Anyway.
U kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Crapping 101 #33 --> Dreams...
Written on: 21st December 2011
In the darkest night,
I dream of you.
I wish all my dreams,
Would come true.
Can the real be fake,
And the fake be real,
Because all that matters now,
Is that I'm thinking of you.
Reality,
Oh reality,
It is just too scary.
The future,
Is simply not ours to see.
Oh dreams,
Each night I dream of you,
I wish all my dreams would come true.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
In the darkest night,
I dream of you.
I wish all my dreams,
Would come true.
Can the real be fake,
And the fake be real,
Because all that matters now,
Is that I'm thinking of you.
Reality,
Oh reality,
It is just too scary.
The future,
Is simply not ours to see.
Oh dreams,
Each night I dream of you,
I wish all my dreams would come true.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Monday, December 19, 2011
Crapping 101 #32 --> Understand! Understand her...
Written on : 19th December 2011
Understand her...
Open your heart,
Open your mind,
Hear her out please...
Lost in many aspect of life,
Help is all she needs,
But no, not from friends, not from family,
She needs to help herself...
This is the climax of her life,
A point where she has reached,
She has been thinking,
About many different things,
The future, what will it be...
A decision need to be made,
She must stand tall,
She must be strong,
And all she needs,
Is support and understanding.
So, understand!
Understand her...
Open your heart,
Open your mind,
Hear her out please...
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #31 --> The man...
Written on : 19th December 2011
There was a time,
When she'd given up hope on love.
She never trusted men,
She closed her heart till then...
There was a guy she met,
A crush from back then,
A 14 year old girl,
Now all grown up,
After 11 years,
They finally date.
She thought she could never love a man,
The way she loved her son,
Little did she know,
She was madly in love with him.
He lifted her up from a dark hole,
The darkest hole no one could imagine,
He shined her path,
He gave her a reason to live again.
She never knew love,
She never understood love,
Till she stared into his eyes,
And it was glowing, so beautifully,
Showing her what love meant.
They barely knew each other,
But love was in the air,
Till suddenly, one day,
He took her soul away.
She fell again, deeper than before,
To a place where no one could reach her again.
She hopes to see a hand,
She hopes to see him again,
But where oh where,
Is that beautiful man?
Now what's left,
She's drowning in her tears,
Will he be back,
To make her live again?
Where oh where,
Is that beautiful man?
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
There was a time,
When she'd given up hope on love.
She never trusted men,
She closed her heart till then...
There was a guy she met,
A crush from back then,
A 14 year old girl,
Now all grown up,
After 11 years,
They finally date.
She thought she could never love a man,
The way she loved her son,
Little did she know,
She was madly in love with him.
He lifted her up from a dark hole,
The darkest hole no one could imagine,
He shined her path,
He gave her a reason to live again.
She never knew love,
She never understood love,
Till she stared into his eyes,
And it was glowing, so beautifully,
Showing her what love meant.
They barely knew each other,
But love was in the air,
Till suddenly, one day,
He took her soul away.
She fell again, deeper than before,
To a place where no one could reach her again.
She hopes to see a hand,
She hopes to see him again,
But where oh where,
Is that beautiful man?
Now what's left,
She's drowning in her tears,
Will he be back,
To make her live again?
Where oh where,
Is that beautiful man?
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #30 --> The Blade, oh how I miss it...
Written on : 27th November 2011
There she goes again,
Thinking of her blade,
The sharpness of it,
Going slowly through her skin,
The stingy pain she'd feel,
The blood slowly oozing out,
Oh, there it goes,
She misses it,
Back then,
When all that happens,
Her face would have been sticky,
Caused by her tears,
Slowly drying up,
The sweat would have come and go.
It has been quite some time now,
Since she last did it,
All she has now are scars,
To remind her of her hard times,
And oh yes, she misses it.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
There she goes again,
Thinking of her blade,
The sharpness of it,
Going slowly through her skin,
The stingy pain she'd feel,
The blood slowly oozing out,
Oh, there it goes,
She misses it,
Back then,
When all that happens,
Her face would have been sticky,
Caused by her tears,
Slowly drying up,
The sweat would have come and go.
It has been quite some time now,
Since she last did it,
All she has now are scars,
To remind her of her hard times,
And oh yes, she misses it.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #29--> Breath and live life...(POEM TIME)
Written on : 27th November 2011
Breathe!
Take it easy!
Just go with the flow!
Those are the words I tell myself.
After 25 years of living,
Somehow there's still negativity in me,
I've developed this terrible mood swings too,
I need to change.
Change.
Can I really do that?
Will it really work?
What happened to that person I use to be?
Is she still here,
lingering in me?
Let's see what the future brings,
Just like that que sara sara song,
'The future's not ours to see,'
So, I shall let it be,
And just keep doing what I have been doing,
Breathe and live life.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Breathe!
Take it easy!
Just go with the flow!
Those are the words I tell myself.
After 25 years of living,
Somehow there's still negativity in me,
I've developed this terrible mood swings too,
I need to change.
Change.
Can I really do that?
Will it really work?
What happened to that person I use to be?
Is she still here,
lingering in me?
Let's see what the future brings,
Just like that que sara sara song,
'The future's not ours to see,'
So, I shall let it be,
And just keep doing what I have been doing,
Breathe and live life.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #28 --> Here is another sad one...
This is another sad one...
It has been 8 days now, since the man I love left this relationship. Just a while a go, I watched this Malay girl's video, about how her fiance` proposed to her. It was sweet. And now, he is on my mind...
I don't need him to propose to me!! LOL.
I just wish it was always 'us' in everything. I wish I could tell him how much I misses him and love him. How much I miss his parents. How much I miss Tiger, his dog. And Stout, that small little fella that makes SO MUCH noise. I wish everything was normal, like it was before. I wished he'd talk to me, talk about us, find out the main problem and find a solution. I wish, I could hug him again, kiss him again, just seeing him looking and me and feeling so satisfied to be able to see love in his eyes. I don't think I have ever saw that look in my whole entire life. I wish I could replay that moment again and again. Hmm...
Occay, who am I kidding right? Fine, I can't pretend that I am alright, that I am fine, that I am happy, that I don't think about him even when I drive, that I am doing all great here. I can't.
I wish I can tell him that I'm with him in all things, that I will always be there supporting him, that I understand how much he loves his job, that I respect his religion, that I will never fall out of love with him, that he stole my heart, that he takes my breath away, and, that I will always be with him, till death do us apart.
But, I guess I can't. The worst part is, wishing for things that are not wish-able. Most of all, I wished what happen was just a bad dream.
I miss 'us'.
:'(
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
It has been 8 days now, since the man I love left this relationship. Just a while a go, I watched this Malay girl's video, about how her fiance` proposed to her. It was sweet. And now, he is on my mind...
I don't need him to propose to me!! LOL.
I just wish it was always 'us' in everything. I wish I could tell him how much I misses him and love him. How much I miss his parents. How much I miss Tiger, his dog. And Stout, that small little fella that makes SO MUCH noise. I wish everything was normal, like it was before. I wished he'd talk to me, talk about us, find out the main problem and find a solution. I wish, I could hug him again, kiss him again, just seeing him looking and me and feeling so satisfied to be able to see love in his eyes. I don't think I have ever saw that look in my whole entire life. I wish I could replay that moment again and again. Hmm...
Occay, who am I kidding right? Fine, I can't pretend that I am alright, that I am fine, that I am happy, that I don't think about him even when I drive, that I am doing all great here. I can't.
I wish I can tell him that I'm with him in all things, that I will always be there supporting him, that I understand how much he loves his job, that I respect his religion, that I will never fall out of love with him, that he stole my heart, that he takes my breath away, and, that I will always be with him, till death do us apart.
But, I guess I can't. The worst part is, wishing for things that are not wish-able. Most of all, I wished what happen was just a bad dream.
I miss 'us'.
:'(
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Crapping 101 #27 --> WOAH, I finally know the story from Dad...
So, finally, semalam sempat interview Daddy.
Wow. Now I know the story. I think even my sisters don't know. Damn. Tak sangka betul sampai begitu sekali. This story, he gotta know weh...Excited nak bercerita pada dia. Cuma, will he still talk to me like normal?
But hey, I can't believe Dad did that...Wow...Amazing lah... Demi cinta, people would do anything kan...Mungkin, all this is their Karma? Hmm... What goes around, comes around kan. And now, I pula ikut jejak dia. Hmm...Kalau si dia tak accept aku, then tak jadi lah, kalau si dia accept aku...Karma....HaHaHa...
Oh, yeah, sorry readers. This story, is not for the public to know. It was already hard enough for him to tell me. Takkan lah aku nak senang2 cite kat sini right? HeHeHe...
Anyway,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Wow. Now I know the story. I think even my sisters don't know. Damn. Tak sangka betul sampai begitu sekali. This story, he gotta know weh...Excited nak bercerita pada dia. Cuma, will he still talk to me like normal?
But hey, I can't believe Dad did that...Wow...Amazing lah... Demi cinta, people would do anything kan...Mungkin, all this is their Karma? Hmm... What goes around, comes around kan. And now, I pula ikut jejak dia. Hmm...Kalau si dia tak accept aku, then tak jadi lah, kalau si dia accept aku...Karma....HaHaHa...
Oh, yeah, sorry readers. This story, is not for the public to know. It was already hard enough for him to tell me. Takkan lah aku nak senang2 cite kat sini right? HeHeHe...
Anyway,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #26 --> I was such a drama queen. Sorry Readers...
Occay.
I think I was over reacting when he left me. Which girl wouldn't? HeHeHe...
Only, I just feel things can work out well. Tapi, kalau hati orang tu dah tak nak, kita tak boleh buat apa lah kan. Menangis air mata darah pun tak guna. At one point, kita cuba and cuba, kalau dah tak berbaloi, kena give up gak kan. Kalau jodoh, tak ke mana pun kan?
Cuma, sedih gak lah. I really loved his family. I wish my parents were as cool as his. But, erk, kenapa ek? Kenapa sometimes, some people can't see what others do for them? I mean, I was adapting well to his lifestyle. Hmm. Eh, asal aku fikir2 benda ni. Forget it lah. If it's meant to be, then ada lah. Kalau tak da, then tak de lah. Kan Kan? LMFAO...
Tapi, I would like to apologize to everyone, especially my readers. I really think it's such a pity for you to read such a sick in the head blog. HaHaHa. I'm just me, I'm such a drama queen. Can't help it. It's just me.
Weh, I can live without him. But, if he comes back, it would be great, not just great, but awesome. HaHaHa..Boleh lah ada teman berbicara semula, teman yang setia, teman yang selalu mendengar. Dia macam bestfriend, bukan lover. Hmm. Aneh bangat ya.
Anyway,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
I think I was over reacting when he left me. Which girl wouldn't? HeHeHe...
Only, I just feel things can work out well. Tapi, kalau hati orang tu dah tak nak, kita tak boleh buat apa lah kan. Menangis air mata darah pun tak guna. At one point, kita cuba and cuba, kalau dah tak berbaloi, kena give up gak kan. Kalau jodoh, tak ke mana pun kan?
Cuma, sedih gak lah. I really loved his family. I wish my parents were as cool as his. But, erk, kenapa ek? Kenapa sometimes, some people can't see what others do for them? I mean, I was adapting well to his lifestyle. Hmm. Eh, asal aku fikir2 benda ni. Forget it lah. If it's meant to be, then ada lah. Kalau tak da, then tak de lah. Kan Kan? LMFAO...
Tapi, I would like to apologize to everyone, especially my readers. I really think it's such a pity for you to read such a sick in the head blog. HaHaHa. I'm just me, I'm such a drama queen. Can't help it. It's just me.
Weh, I can live without him. But, if he comes back, it would be great, not just great, but awesome. HaHaHa..Boleh lah ada teman berbicara semula, teman yang setia, teman yang selalu mendengar. Dia macam bestfriend, bukan lover. Hmm. Aneh bangat ya.
Anyway,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Friday, December 16, 2011
Crapping 101 #25 --> I feel good today ;)
Today, I went shopping for Christmas.
Was suppose to only search for things that has green or red, for the Christmas celebration tomorrow in office, and, to get that Secret Santa gift for my friend, and a cellophinetape, a wrapper, and 5 bottles of sparkling juice.
But heck, I ended up with some extra things, CLOTHES!! Shoots, I shopped today. Spent RM 96 bucks for an awesome jacket, a green bust tube, and a beautiful top. LMFAO...
I feel like a girl!! HeHeHe..But, shoes, will always be converse..my number one brand that I'm married to. HaHaHa.
I feel soo good today. Was so stressed up in office though earlier. My work mate, was so selfish, dah lah I help him do his work, then, somemore purposely want me to stay back. Saje je kan nak cakap kuat2 depan boss. Hish..I have a life too lah..Ngek! Anyway, then, was suppose to meet my friend, but, she fell asleep, I guess she was too tired, was pissed, but, I forgive her. :) Then was stuck in a massive jam. Called Mr. Ran on the way, owh, listening to his voice just makes me happy!! ;) I love him, as a friend ok!! He's nice. Then, reached home, finally, went to the toilet to pee, then left home again, went to Kajang town. Did all those shopping, MONEY!! Then, on the way back, met Mr. Ran, went for doshing moments, LOL, talked for a bit..Yeap, we only chilled for like 10-15mins, but, it was nice. After so long...Missed him alot.. And then, finally went home, finally ate too. LOL. Since Monday till today, Friday, I ate only 3 times. LMFAO...hungry, but then, just don't have the mood to eat. Did not even think of food till there was rock concert in my tummy, LOL, but that also, I ignored the concert. HaHaHa...
So yeah, I feel good tonight. Gonna take a shower soon. Then, sleep. Feel tired already. HaHaHa...No more skyping mahhh...HaHaHa...
WOOT WOOT...
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Was suppose to only search for things that has green or red, for the Christmas celebration tomorrow in office, and, to get that Secret Santa gift for my friend, and a cellophinetape, a wrapper, and 5 bottles of sparkling juice.
But heck, I ended up with some extra things, CLOTHES!! Shoots, I shopped today. Spent RM 96 bucks for an awesome jacket, a green bust tube, and a beautiful top. LMFAO...
I feel like a girl!! HeHeHe..But, shoes, will always be converse..my number one brand that I'm married to. HaHaHa.
I feel soo good today. Was so stressed up in office though earlier. My work mate, was so selfish, dah lah I help him do his work, then, somemore purposely want me to stay back. Saje je kan nak cakap kuat2 depan boss. Hish..I have a life too lah..Ngek! Anyway, then, was suppose to meet my friend, but, she fell asleep, I guess she was too tired, was pissed, but, I forgive her. :) Then was stuck in a massive jam. Called Mr. Ran on the way, owh, listening to his voice just makes me happy!! ;) I love him, as a friend ok!! He's nice. Then, reached home, finally, went to the toilet to pee, then left home again, went to Kajang town. Did all those shopping, MONEY!! Then, on the way back, met Mr. Ran, went for doshing moments, LOL, talked for a bit..Yeap, we only chilled for like 10-15mins, but, it was nice. After so long...Missed him alot.. And then, finally went home, finally ate too. LOL. Since Monday till today, Friday, I ate only 3 times. LMFAO...hungry, but then, just don't have the mood to eat. Did not even think of food till there was rock concert in my tummy, LOL, but that also, I ignored the concert. HaHaHa...
So yeah, I feel good tonight. Gonna take a shower soon. Then, sleep. Feel tired already. HaHaHa...No more skyping mahhh...HaHaHa...
WOOT WOOT...
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #24 --> Pretty scary, the relationship was going too fast...
So, these past few days, been thinking like crazy. Came up with a whole load of thinking. Finally thought about a new thought.
I think the relationship was going too fast. I was too madly deeply in love with him. These few days, not being with him, has made me thought of that. I think I might have also scare myself, apart from scaring him. LOL. It was going toooo damnnn fast... Like what Miss Nathia said. It was going too fast. I should have listened to her. Now, Mr. Ran told me the same thing too, that it might gotten a little to fast. :)
Thank God I have friends who made me realize that, even though my dumb mind is a little slow to have thought about that earlier. LOL.
Well, if you are reading this, yes, you! You know who you are. I'm sorry, if I was showing a little too much affection. LOL. It was scary eh? I kinda got scared too. Now. HaHaHa. Maybe I just never met someone as awesome as you, maybe I never saw love in all my ex'es eyes, maybe cause I have been single for a little long. I mean, yeah, it was only a year plus, but hello, reality check, Nathra never go single ok! So, that was a big achievement for me. LMFAO~ But hey, sorry for screwing it up. HaHaHa.
So, lesson learned, don't go too fast in a relationship. Helloooo, if I were a guy, I'd be scared too. Even now, I'm scared of my own self. LMFAO.. And, don't fall too deep. :)
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
I think the relationship was going too fast. I was too madly deeply in love with him. These few days, not being with him, has made me thought of that. I think I might have also scare myself, apart from scaring him. LOL. It was going toooo damnnn fast... Like what Miss Nathia said. It was going too fast. I should have listened to her. Now, Mr. Ran told me the same thing too, that it might gotten a little to fast. :)
Thank God I have friends who made me realize that, even though my dumb mind is a little slow to have thought about that earlier. LOL.
Well, if you are reading this, yes, you! You know who you are. I'm sorry, if I was showing a little too much affection. LOL. It was scary eh? I kinda got scared too. Now. HaHaHa. Maybe I just never met someone as awesome as you, maybe I never saw love in all my ex'es eyes, maybe cause I have been single for a little long. I mean, yeah, it was only a year plus, but hello, reality check, Nathra never go single ok! So, that was a big achievement for me. LMFAO~ But hey, sorry for screwing it up. HaHaHa.
So, lesson learned, don't go too fast in a relationship. Helloooo, if I were a guy, I'd be scared too. Even now, I'm scared of my own self. LMFAO.. And, don't fall too deep. :)
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Crapping 101 #23 --> Just a little secret that needs to be told...
Let me tell you a little secret.
Once upon a time ago, I have lost my faith in God. I screamed at him, I yelled at him, I said I hated him so much. Since then, life changed. It never always turned out the way I planned, when usually it does. Then I regretted much.
Then, there was another time, I lost believe again. I started thinking, why, why and why. I never found the answer. He was never there for me when I begged him, when I need him the most. That's all I know. Yes, I may not be perfect, I don't even know how to pray, but at least I tried. I'll say prayers in my heart. But nothing ever happened. Then, it was forgotten just like that.
Recently, it happened again. This time, I was 60% sure that I'm lost.
A person who rejects the existence of any God is a Atheist.
A person who is ignorant of the God of Abraham is a Heathen.
A person who worships other Gods is a Pagan.
A person who doesn't believe in God at all is Called an Antheist (a-without, theism-beliefs on God).
However, there are also Agnostics, people who believe God MIGHT exist, but haven't reached a conclusion.
A person who rejects the existence of any God is a Atheist.
A person who is ignorant of the God of Abraham is a Heathen.
A person who worships other Gods is a Pagan.
A person who doesn't believe in God at all is Called an Antheist (a-without, theism-beliefs on God).
However, there are also Agnostics, people who believe God MIGHT exist, but haven't reached a conclusion.
Agnostic, that might be me. I have been thinking, if one day, if there was a guy who wants to marry me, but does not want to convert, I might just go get married else where than Malaysia. I would not convert, but, I might not mind him not converting too. But that will make me loose my family. Even though I can't stand them at all, it's still nice to have them around. So, if the guy would convert just for the sake of marriage, then follows back the God he prays to, that's way better. Parents? I think they will understand, if they were explained to properly.
So, back to the main topic here, I think I don't know whether to believe or not anymore. Where is God when I need Him? I had enough teachings about religion when I was a little kid; I put much interest in it. I can't blame anyone for this, because why I became this, is because of myself.
Recently, I was in a relationship with someone who's a non Muslim. People said he might ask me to convert. But no, he didn't. If he wanted me to, instead of breaking up, he would have asked me to convert. Some people gave a weird look when I say he's a Christian. So what if he's a Christian? That's what I'd say. Some might blame him for what I am today, but no, it was not his fault, not at all. It was me all along since I was a kid. It's my choice and my decision whether I would want to convert, or marrying him without anyone converting. Even if it was not him, I'd still do the same.
Oh yeah, when I was a kid, my super awesome close to me cousin brother died in a car crash. I was too little to understand things. But, see, he was an Indian, so, everything was the Indian way. That night, was so clear to me, like it happened just yesterday. His body was lying down, peacefully in the hall. There were prayer chants playing from the radio. There weren't much people in the house, they were mostly standing outside. And there I was, this little Muslim girl, sitting and leaning on her cousin sister (the deceased's sister), moving my body along with her body, as she was reciting prayer chants. The smell of that thing they burn, I remember the smell till today. I was sitting there, for so long, till my Mom called me and tell me not to sit near there. I was pissed at her for not letting me be there. HaHaHa.
I can't explain to people why I am Agnostic, but, it's just me. I gone through shit in my life, I begged Him to help me, He did not come. The ones I loved so hard, kept going, kept leaving, I begged Him a million times to stop taking them, but nothing ever happened. I begged him to help me in life, but nothing ever happened. So, is He really there? Or is He just some sort of creation that people from the Stone Age has taught us? I don't know.
There you go, a little secret that needs to be told.
I somehow believe that He might be there, that there are such thing as Heaven and Hell, that there are someone up there looking down on us, that there are such thing as Hinduism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, but, is it all true? That is what I'm not sure of. Who am I? I don't know too. Isn't it all the same? But, does He really do exist?
I'm sorry if this post might hurt some readers. But this is me. And heck, this is my bloody blog, so I can bitch about anything I want. But, then again, I am truly sorry if I have hurt anyone, never intended to.
Like I said, it's just a little secret that needs to be told.
U kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Crapping 101 #22 --> Marriage?? Im too young ok!!
Shit.
All these while aku pikir nak kawen? WTF? Was just thinking je lah...Xda lah nak kawen sekarang...ZOMG...Hidup pun xstabil lagi...Camne nak kawin? Diri sendiri pun x leh nak jaga, ni nak jaga suami, nak jaga anak, nak jaga hati mertua lagi...ZOMG...It is kinda scary actually...Damn...
I'm still young, baru 25...erk...28 camtu baru lah think about marriage...Itu pun if I decide to get married..Hidup berpacaran kan enak...Kalau udah nikah itu, susah deh mau lakuin itu, mau lakuin ini, mau bebas...
Aku itu nggak mau nikah, cuma, mau ada anak deh..Ngambil anak angkat bisa nggak? HaHaHa...
Marriage? I'm just too young for it. I'm just old at number - 25, but my mind, my soul, my attitude, I'm 21 weh...I'm not matured enough..Dah lah I'm so damage, I'm so messed up..Then I thought about marriage? WTH was I thinking about? Look at everyone around me...Everyone has such fucked up marriage..Everyone keeps fighting, breaking up...Yeah, maybe that's why I never felt love, till he showed me love.
kesian all you readers, have to read such a messed up person's crap...LMFAO~
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
All these while aku pikir nak kawen? WTF? Was just thinking je lah...Xda lah nak kawen sekarang...ZOMG...Hidup pun xstabil lagi...Camne nak kawin? Diri sendiri pun x leh nak jaga, ni nak jaga suami, nak jaga anak, nak jaga hati mertua lagi...ZOMG...It is kinda scary actually...Damn...
I'm still young, baru 25...erk...28 camtu baru lah think about marriage...Itu pun if I decide to get married..Hidup berpacaran kan enak...Kalau udah nikah itu, susah deh mau lakuin itu, mau lakuin ini, mau bebas...
Aku itu nggak mau nikah, cuma, mau ada anak deh..Ngambil anak angkat bisa nggak? HaHaHa...
Marriage? I'm just too young for it. I'm just old at number - 25, but my mind, my soul, my attitude, I'm 21 weh...I'm not matured enough..Dah lah I'm so damage, I'm so messed up..Then I thought about marriage? WTH was I thinking about? Look at everyone around me...Everyone has such fucked up marriage..Everyone keeps fighting, breaking up...Yeah, maybe that's why I never felt love, till he showed me love.
kesian all you readers, have to read such a messed up person's crap...LMFAO~
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #21 --> Interview dad about forbidden love. HaHaHa!
Number 1 thing to do.
Ask Daddy how he felt when he wanted to marry Mommy.
So, Dad was a non muslim, how did he marry Mom? I wonder. How did he feel about converting. I wonder. How did he made it through. I wonder. I heard, when they wanted to get married, both side parents did not agree. But because of love, somehow, they made it through. They got married, and they have 3 beautiful so called angels. HaHaHa. So, they made it through their forbidden love. Hmm.
There are alot of forbidden love marriage, non muslim married a muslim. Some converted because they are really into the religion, and some converted simply because of marriage. Sometimes I wonder, those who converted only because of marriage, do they change? Or is there some who still follows their own religion back? I think I'm cool with that. I respect each human's belief and religions.
All these while I keep telling people I'm 50-50, 50 Malay, 50 Indian. But then, when I think about it again, I'm not. I'm like 70% Indian and 30% Malay. HaHaHa. And I have this strong feeling that I will either marry a non muslim, or not get married at all. So weird, but damn true. And now, I have a strong feeling that it will be him. Even weird occay.
So, I don't think religion will be an issue when it comes to love. Yes, there will be loads of mess, but then, if the feeling is strong enough, everything will falls into place. Those will all be tests of life. I'm up for challenges, but, is he?
Weird, how come it's always about what they feel? How about what I feel? Hmm... Don't I get a say?
Anyway,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Ask Daddy how he felt when he wanted to marry Mommy.
So, Dad was a non muslim, how did he marry Mom? I wonder. How did he feel about converting. I wonder. How did he made it through. I wonder. I heard, when they wanted to get married, both side parents did not agree. But because of love, somehow, they made it through. They got married, and they have 3 beautiful so called angels. HaHaHa. So, they made it through their forbidden love. Hmm.
There are alot of forbidden love marriage, non muslim married a muslim. Some converted because they are really into the religion, and some converted simply because of marriage. Sometimes I wonder, those who converted only because of marriage, do they change? Or is there some who still follows their own religion back? I think I'm cool with that. I respect each human's belief and religions.
All these while I keep telling people I'm 50-50, 50 Malay, 50 Indian. But then, when I think about it again, I'm not. I'm like 70% Indian and 30% Malay. HaHaHa. And I have this strong feeling that I will either marry a non muslim, or not get married at all. So weird, but damn true. And now, I have a strong feeling that it will be him. Even weird occay.
So, I don't think religion will be an issue when it comes to love. Yes, there will be loads of mess, but then, if the feeling is strong enough, everything will falls into place. Those will all be tests of life. I'm up for challenges, but, is he?
Weird, how come it's always about what they feel? How about what I feel? Hmm... Don't I get a say?
Anyway,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #20 --> Things you should know.
12th December 2011.
You ended things up. You started painting a beautiful picture, but all of a sudden, you tore the whole picture down.
The reasons of why I loved you so much:
1) you are simply amazing.
2) you were so sweet.
3) I saw love in your eyes.
4) your family is awesome.
5) there was sincerity in you.
6) you gave me happiness.
7) you gave me love.
8) you accepted me the way i am.
9) you shined my life that has been dark all these while.
10) you gave me a reason to get up from the fall i had before.
11) you see right through me.
12) we are so much alike.
13) you were different than any men i have met before.
14) you always listen, no matter what.
15) i didnt have to be someone else when i'm with you, i'm only me when im with you.
I can give a million more reasons, but the main one is, because you made me real, you made me alive.
Dear you,
It may only be a month plus, but it felt like I was married to you. I can live without you, it would be a lie if I say that I can't, but, I don't know how to live without you, and I choose to not live without you. I wish you could see that you were the reason I became alive again. I'm not hurt, instead, I'm numb. You can never hurt me, cause you showed me love, you showed me happiness. Maybe you haven't gotten the chance to know me well enough to know why I kept saying that. It's occay. Shit happens, only, it kept happening to me.
Dear readers,
I have been doing some serious deep thinking. My choices to make, might disappoint many people, but, for love and happiness, I am willing to do these decisions I have make. Don't judge me, try to understand me.
Love is like a bus ride, you have many stops to go before you reach your destination. People use to say that you will just know if that is the one for you. I use to not understand that, but now, I do. I think I have found the perfect one for me. I have reached my destination. I am assured this time. My heart says don't let go of this, so, I will fight till the end for it.
p/s: I'm not writing this post because of how in love i am with him. I am not writing this post because people might judge me as crazy. No. I'm writing this post because my heart and brains finally came to a mutual understanding, for the 1st time in history. Somehow it says, he is the one. And I just don't know how to explain that to all of you.
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
You ended things up. You started painting a beautiful picture, but all of a sudden, you tore the whole picture down.
"You don't get to say that you are not the right one for me, because you don't have a clue about how perfect you are to me. You complete the damaged me."
The reasons of why I loved you so much:
1) you are simply amazing.
2) you were so sweet.
3) I saw love in your eyes.
4) your family is awesome.
5) there was sincerity in you.
6) you gave me happiness.
7) you gave me love.
8) you accepted me the way i am.
9) you shined my life that has been dark all these while.
10) you gave me a reason to get up from the fall i had before.
11) you see right through me.
12) we are so much alike.
13) you were different than any men i have met before.
14) you always listen, no matter what.
15) i didnt have to be someone else when i'm with you, i'm only me when im with you.
I can give a million more reasons, but the main one is, because you made me real, you made me alive.
Dear you,
It may only be a month plus, but it felt like I was married to you. I can live without you, it would be a lie if I say that I can't, but, I don't know how to live without you, and I choose to not live without you. I wish you could see that you were the reason I became alive again. I'm not hurt, instead, I'm numb. You can never hurt me, cause you showed me love, you showed me happiness. Maybe you haven't gotten the chance to know me well enough to know why I kept saying that. It's occay. Shit happens, only, it kept happening to me.
Dear readers,
I have been doing some serious deep thinking. My choices to make, might disappoint many people, but, for love and happiness, I am willing to do these decisions I have make. Don't judge me, try to understand me.
Love is like a bus ride, you have many stops to go before you reach your destination. People use to say that you will just know if that is the one for you. I use to not understand that, but now, I do. I think I have found the perfect one for me. I have reached my destination. I am assured this time. My heart says don't let go of this, so, I will fight till the end for it.
p/s: I'm not writing this post because of how in love i am with him. I am not writing this post because people might judge me as crazy. No. I'm writing this post because my heart and brains finally came to a mutual understanding, for the 1st time in history. Somehow it says, he is the one. And I just don't know how to explain that to all of you.
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Crapping 101 #19 --> How much can hurt hurt?
Hurt.
How bad can hurt feel if you have felt it too much and you don't feel a thing about it anymore, basically numb?
What's the difference of getting hurt now, than later? No big deal I think. Hurt is hurt. There's no 10% hurt or 90% hurt. It is all the same.
Well, like I have been saying all these while, Love, I guess, can just never exist in my life.
It's better friends than never right? Even though it hurts worst than being in hell? Hmm...
I really meant what I said when I can't loose him just yet. He was the hope in my life. Fuck. He was the sun that shined down on me. He was the one who made me alive again...
Haih...
But, why now? Occay, what if, I am willing to sacrifice for him? Jeng Jeng Jeng...It's him, it's just him, I know that...I can't explain, but I'm assured, it's him, he's the one.
Fuck fuckity fuck.
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
How bad can hurt feel if you have felt it too much and you don't feel a thing about it anymore, basically numb?
What's the difference of getting hurt now, than later? No big deal I think. Hurt is hurt. There's no 10% hurt or 90% hurt. It is all the same.
Well, like I have been saying all these while, Love, I guess, can just never exist in my life.
It's better friends than never right? Even though it hurts worst than being in hell? Hmm...
I really meant what I said when I can't loose him just yet. He was the hope in my life. Fuck. He was the sun that shined down on me. He was the one who made me alive again...
Haih...
But, why now? Occay, what if, I am willing to sacrifice for him? Jeng Jeng Jeng...It's him, it's just him, I know that...I can't explain, but I'm assured, it's him, he's the one.
Fuck fuckity fuck.
Anyways,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Crapping 101 #18 --> Update...
I'm so hurt.
Why does my life always revolve around the word W.A.I.T.?
I have been waiting my whole life, how long more must I wait? All I wanted was love and affection, happiness and joy. Is it too hard to just be able to feel all that? I'm tired, so tired of waiting.
Why can't people around me see right through me, feel me? Why?
I'm never going to give my heart out anymore, I'm never going to trust anymore, and this wall around my heart, will never be broken down again. This time, I'll control the game.
Anyway, so, Mr. Sunshine, oh dear, we haven't talked like we use to, since last Sunday night, and today is Sunday again. One week. It has made me loose my mind. Why is it that when a relationship just started, everything was so sweet and nice, then, it turn out to be weird. Hmm. He's married to his work, I know that. But, if he really did love me, takkan sekali oso cannot reply my text? But then, kesian him also, work so hard, day and night. And the worst part is, I don't know how is he, whether he eats properly, whether he calls his parents, whether he is really ok... Haih...I feel like shit not knowing anything about him. That suck.
Maybe I am selfish, wanting him to call me, to text me, to talk to me...But I just want security, I don't want this relationship to end, I want long term relationship. I don't care if he's not the one to be with me for eternity. But fuck, isn't it unfair, that God has always give me terrible relationship? Jealous siot tengok orang2 dapat bercinta dengan gembira. Haihh...
Nevermind, what goes, goes. What comes, comes. I guess since I signed up in this relationship, then I have to just deal with all the test God is giving me, suck it up like a soldier. After all, all these test, will only make me learn, will only make me grow, and will only make me stronger. I will just play the game and go with the flow.
Will things be better? Can it work out well?
What a little bird told me is true, I've been worrying so much about what will happen, when I should be worrying about now. Instead of thinking about myself, I should be thinking how is he doing over there.
I've been such a bad girlfriend. So selfish. Hmm. Alright, I'm gonna try cooling down, concentrate on life, concentrate on getting a new job, try to live a happy life instead of some depressed shit life, and give him the space he needs.
Anyway,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Why does my life always revolve around the word W.A.I.T.?
I have been waiting my whole life, how long more must I wait? All I wanted was love and affection, happiness and joy. Is it too hard to just be able to feel all that? I'm tired, so tired of waiting.
Why can't people around me see right through me, feel me? Why?
I'm never going to give my heart out anymore, I'm never going to trust anymore, and this wall around my heart, will never be broken down again. This time, I'll control the game.
Anyway, so, Mr. Sunshine, oh dear, we haven't talked like we use to, since last Sunday night, and today is Sunday again. One week. It has made me loose my mind. Why is it that when a relationship just started, everything was so sweet and nice, then, it turn out to be weird. Hmm. He's married to his work, I know that. But, if he really did love me, takkan sekali oso cannot reply my text? But then, kesian him also, work so hard, day and night. And the worst part is, I don't know how is he, whether he eats properly, whether he calls his parents, whether he is really ok... Haih...I feel like shit not knowing anything about him. That suck.
Maybe I am selfish, wanting him to call me, to text me, to talk to me...But I just want security, I don't want this relationship to end, I want long term relationship. I don't care if he's not the one to be with me for eternity. But fuck, isn't it unfair, that God has always give me terrible relationship? Jealous siot tengok orang2 dapat bercinta dengan gembira. Haihh...
Nevermind, what goes, goes. What comes, comes. I guess since I signed up in this relationship, then I have to just deal with all the test God is giving me, suck it up like a soldier. After all, all these test, will only make me learn, will only make me grow, and will only make me stronger. I will just play the game and go with the flow.
Will things be better? Can it work out well?
What a little bird told me is true, I've been worrying so much about what will happen, when I should be worrying about now. Instead of thinking about myself, I should be thinking how is he doing over there.
I've been such a bad girlfriend. So selfish. Hmm. Alright, I'm gonna try cooling down, concentrate on life, concentrate on getting a new job, try to live a happy life instead of some depressed shit life, and give him the space he needs.
Anyway,
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Crapping 101 #17 --> T.R.U.S.T.
How much do you trust a person?
How easy do you trust a person?
I use to trust people alot and I use to easily trust a person.
After 30 times of having people breaking my trust, I was done.
" T.R.U.S.T. needs to be E.A.R.N.E.D. It does not appear out of nowhere."
I don't know how much I can trust a guy, or will I even trust a guy? The person I am with now, is not at fault. I can never blame him because it is simply not his fault. It was men, all the men I knew, they didn't just broke my heart, they took away trust too. Throughout my time of being single previously, I have built a tall wall, surrounding my heart, guarding it so well, so I would not trust and would not get hurt again. I'm not going to let my self get hurt again.
So, trust, it needs to be earned. At first it was going smoothly, the walls were cracking up. But now, it got patched up again.
Anyway,
u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Crapping 101 #16 --> I need a bloody chillpill!!
I think I suck so badly when it comes to relationship.
I feel pity for Mr.Sunshine, to have such a damaged person in his life. LOL.
But yeah, I don't blame him, I blame myself for being this person. I worry too much. Maybe cause I just don't want to loose him, he's special, he brings the confidence out of me, he's sweet, he's real, he makes me feel so special. Hmm. I'm not ready to loose him just yet, and I wish this relationship would go on forever.
See right, he's a workaholic, damn, that's good, cause it's not easy to find a guy who think of work. HaHaHa. But, when he's working, he's really working, he don't text me and stuff, then I'd go crazy. Hey, don't point fingers at me occay, I'm just a female, with emotions, of course I think of negative stuff before positive. Obviously, I am a negative person, if you have been following my blog since I first started the bullshitting posts. HaHaHa.
Occay, I seriously need a chill pill. I need to chill!! I need to start going with the flow.
Men would get bored of a girl like me kan? Occay, masa untuk berubah. Harus cuba dan cuba berfikiran positive mulai sekarang! YES!
LMFAO...Waduh, udah gila lagi ini. Hilang akal kali...
Anyway...
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
I feel pity for Mr.Sunshine, to have such a damaged person in his life. LOL.
But yeah, I don't blame him, I blame myself for being this person. I worry too much. Maybe cause I just don't want to loose him, he's special, he brings the confidence out of me, he's sweet, he's real, he makes me feel so special. Hmm. I'm not ready to loose him just yet, and I wish this relationship would go on forever.
"He is the sun, that shines on me, the moon, that shines my path when it's dark."
See right, he's a workaholic, damn, that's good, cause it's not easy to find a guy who think of work. HaHaHa. But, when he's working, he's really working, he don't text me and stuff, then I'd go crazy. Hey, don't point fingers at me occay, I'm just a female, with emotions, of course I think of negative stuff before positive. Obviously, I am a negative person, if you have been following my blog since I first started the bullshitting posts. HaHaHa.
Occay, I seriously need a chill pill. I need to chill!! I need to start going with the flow.
Men would get bored of a girl like me kan? Occay, masa untuk berubah. Harus cuba dan cuba berfikiran positive mulai sekarang! YES!
LMFAO...Waduh, udah gila lagi ini. Hilang akal kali...
Anyway...
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #15 --> H.O.P.E.
You've hoped, prayed, hoped so hard, but nothing came true.
Here, this line goes to all you believers who've hoped so hard.
This recent hoped came true when I stopped hoping.
I gave up on hoping and wishing that mr. sunshine would talk to me and don't go silent on me, suddenly today, I saw him online. I said hi, and he replied saying he was damn busy. See, that was all it took, just tell me something and don't leave me hanging, I hate to be left hanging. But yeah, when I stopped hoping, it came true.
I gave up hoping on the design companies and international schools I sent my resume to, suddenly today, I checked my email, and saw one replied email from one of the company. Wow, I felt so excited since then. Yes, eventhough they just asked for my portfolio, they did not say I got the job, but then, it made me so happy.
So, the moral of the story here is, sometimes, you just gotta stop hoping, and things might come true. If it doesn't, then you gotta believe that it was never meant for you.
Just food for thoughts.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Here, this line goes to all you believers who've hoped so hard.
"Sometimes, when you stop hoping, things might come true."There was so many things I've hoped for in life.
This recent hoped came true when I stopped hoping.
I gave up on hoping and wishing that mr. sunshine would talk to me and don't go silent on me, suddenly today, I saw him online. I said hi, and he replied saying he was damn busy. See, that was all it took, just tell me something and don't leave me hanging, I hate to be left hanging. But yeah, when I stopped hoping, it came true.
I gave up hoping on the design companies and international schools I sent my resume to, suddenly today, I checked my email, and saw one replied email from one of the company. Wow, I felt so excited since then. Yes, eventhough they just asked for my portfolio, they did not say I got the job, but then, it made me so happy.
So, the moral of the story here is, sometimes, you just gotta stop hoping, and things might come true. If it doesn't, then you gotta believe that it was never meant for you.
Just food for thoughts.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Crapping 101 #14 --> NOKHTAH.
Sampai bila?
Aku masih menunggu,
Hari tibanya semuanya akan terhenti,
Kesakitan di jiwa ini,
Air mata yang tidak pernah berhenti mengalir ini,
Sampai bila akan ku terus begini?
Aku harus meletakkan titik nokhtah,
Aku harus hentikan penyeksaan ini,
Bisakah aku meletakkan nokhtah itu?
Ya, aku harus,
Dan aku percaya,
Aku pasti boleh melakukannya!
Baiklah,
Aku akan hentikan kesakitan di jiwa ini,
Aku akan meletakkan,
NOKHTAH.
Itu dia,
Berakhirlah segala penderitaan,
Itu juga tandanya,
Tamatlah riwayatku.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Aku masih menunggu,
Hari tibanya semuanya akan terhenti,
Kesakitan di jiwa ini,
Air mata yang tidak pernah berhenti mengalir ini,
Sampai bila akan ku terus begini?
Aku harus meletakkan titik nokhtah,
Aku harus hentikan penyeksaan ini,
Bisakah aku meletakkan nokhtah itu?
Ya, aku harus,
Dan aku percaya,
Aku pasti boleh melakukannya!
Baiklah,
Aku akan hentikan kesakitan di jiwa ini,
Aku akan meletakkan,
NOKHTAH.
Itu dia,
Berakhirlah segala penderitaan,
Itu juga tandanya,
Tamatlah riwayatku.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Crapping 101 #13 --> This is the story about Arrow, the angel that was sent to me...
Do you believe that the best things in life comes for free?
I do...
Back in year 2000, I lost a cat, he was called Boboy...He was amazing, lovable, huggable..Sweet jer dia..I was still in grieving moments...Then God brought an angel in my life.
Yeap, in Mr. Razak's tuition, in Sekolah Kebangsaan Kajang(SKK), I found the one true love of my life, Arrow. Since then, life was so purr-fect. Arrow enjoys car rides, yeap, he would stick his head out of the window, have his tongue come out a little, his ears would go back as the wind goes against his soft fur. Arrow loves eating too, not forgetting he was orange, oh yes, seriously, orange, I would always tell him that he's exactly like Garfield. My whole neighbourhood knows Arrow well too. Ya la, he use to go missing, and I like one lost wife, would go call him, like calling a missing husband. Then he would run back to me :) Rindunya saat-saat yang dah berlalu tu. Arrow also loves sleeping with me, and, as long as I would still be on bed, he will be there too, as soon as I wakes up, he would wake up too. My mom would say 'Abang is your husband, Nathra...' HaHaHa...When I take a walk down the hill, I'd just say 'Abang, jom..' and he would come running...You know how those moments on tv where a girl and a guy runs freely in a field full of flowers, with no one around, yeap, that would be exact like me and Arrow. He listens to every crap I tell him, just talking to him and looking in his eyes, I somehow know that he understand, and he knows I understand him. He also listens when I say no or when I scold him, somehow, my cats all listens to me, thank God for that :) And, when I lock my self in my room, cut myself, cry my self to sleep, he was the one who would sit next to me, who licks the tears on my cheeks...No one bothered, no one cared, but Arrow would always be there with me, for me...Owh, I can't count the countless times I told him of how grateful I am that God sent him to me...
Yes, maybe people won't understand why no humans can win my love the way I loved Arrow. Maybe people would just say 'eh, he's just a cat'...Maybe he did not spend money for me, like my parents did, but he did what a parent should have done, he gave me strength to live, to breathe, to move on, to want to live...He took my sadness away, he was the reason I did not want to die. He showed me love, he showed me life...
07072011, that was the day my soul left me along with Arrow's soul. I'm now so lost without him. I guess, God loved him more that I did. But then, he was never mine anyway, he had always belong to God.
07122011, marks the 5th month since Arrow left. His grave is always covered with flowers and Al-Fatihah. Till today, I still thank God, for letting me feel love, care, and simply a true love and friendship, eventhough it was from a cat.
Arrow will always remain in my heart, no one or nothing can ever get him out of there. I love you Arrow. I will cherish each and every moment that we had spent together. You rest in peace my love.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
I do...
Back in year 2000, I lost a cat, he was called Boboy...He was amazing, lovable, huggable..Sweet jer dia..I was still in grieving moments...Then God brought an angel in my life.
Yeap, in Mr. Razak's tuition, in Sekolah Kebangsaan Kajang(SKK), I found the one true love of my life, Arrow. Since then, life was so purr-fect. Arrow enjoys car rides, yeap, he would stick his head out of the window, have his tongue come out a little, his ears would go back as the wind goes against his soft fur. Arrow loves eating too, not forgetting he was orange, oh yes, seriously, orange, I would always tell him that he's exactly like Garfield. My whole neighbourhood knows Arrow well too. Ya la, he use to go missing, and I like one lost wife, would go call him, like calling a missing husband. Then he would run back to me :) Rindunya saat-saat yang dah berlalu tu. Arrow also loves sleeping with me, and, as long as I would still be on bed, he will be there too, as soon as I wakes up, he would wake up too. My mom would say 'Abang is your husband, Nathra...' HaHaHa...When I take a walk down the hill, I'd just say 'Abang, jom..' and he would come running...You know how those moments on tv where a girl and a guy runs freely in a field full of flowers, with no one around, yeap, that would be exact like me and Arrow. He listens to every crap I tell him, just talking to him and looking in his eyes, I somehow know that he understand, and he knows I understand him. He also listens when I say no or when I scold him, somehow, my cats all listens to me, thank God for that :) And, when I lock my self in my room, cut myself, cry my self to sleep, he was the one who would sit next to me, who licks the tears on my cheeks...No one bothered, no one cared, but Arrow would always be there with me, for me...Owh, I can't count the countless times I told him of how grateful I am that God sent him to me...
Yes, maybe people won't understand why no humans can win my love the way I loved Arrow. Maybe people would just say 'eh, he's just a cat'...Maybe he did not spend money for me, like my parents did, but he did what a parent should have done, he gave me strength to live, to breathe, to move on, to want to live...He took my sadness away, he was the reason I did not want to die. He showed me love, he showed me life...
07072011, that was the day my soul left me along with Arrow's soul. I'm now so lost without him. I guess, God loved him more that I did. But then, he was never mine anyway, he had always belong to God.
07122011, marks the 5th month since Arrow left. His grave is always covered with flowers and Al-Fatihah. Till today, I still thank God, for letting me feel love, care, and simply a true love and friendship, eventhough it was from a cat.
Arrow will always remain in my heart, no one or nothing can ever get him out of there. I love you Arrow. I will cherish each and every moment that we had spent together. You rest in peace my love.
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)