Crapping 101 #23 --> Just a little secret that needs to be told...

Let me tell you a little secret.

Once upon a time ago, I have lost my faith in God. I screamed at him, I yelled at him, I said I hated him so much. Since then, life changed. It never always turned out the way I planned, when usually it does. Then I regretted much.

Then, there was another time, I lost believe again. I started thinking, why, why and why. I never found the answer. He was never there for me when I begged him, when I need him the most. That's all I know. Yes, I may not be perfect, I don't even know how to pray, but at least I tried. I'll say prayers in my heart. But nothing ever happened. Then, it was forgotten just like that.

Recently, it happened again. This time, I was 60% sure that I'm lost.


A person who rejects the existence of any God is a Atheist.
A person who is ignorant of the God of Abraham is a Heathen.
A person who worships other Gods is a Pagan.
A person who doesn't believe in God at all is Called an Antheist (a-without, theism-beliefs on God).
However, there are also Agnostics, people who believe God MIGHT exist, but haven't reached a conclusion.

Agnostic, that might be me. I have been thinking, if one day, if there was a guy who wants to marry me, but does not want to convert, I might just go get married else where than Malaysia. I would not convert, but, I might not mind him not converting too. But that will make me loose my family. Even though I can't stand them at all, it's still nice to have them around. So, if the guy would convert just for the sake of marriage, then follows back the God he prays to, that's way better. Parents? I think they will understand, if they were explained to properly.

So, back to the main topic here, I think I don't know whether to believe or not anymore. Where is God when I need Him? I had enough teachings about religion when I was a little kid; I put much interest in it. I can't blame anyone for this, because why I became this, is because of myself.

Recently, I was in a relationship with someone who's a non Muslim. People said he might ask me to convert. But no, he didn't. If he wanted me to, instead of breaking up, he would have asked me to convert. Some people gave a weird look when I say he's a Christian. So what if he's a Christian? That's what I'd say. Some might blame him for what I am today, but no, it was not his fault, not at all. It was me all along since I was a kid. It's my choice and my decision whether I would want to convert, or marrying him without anyone converting. Even if it was not him, I'd still do the same.

Oh yeah, when I was a kid, my super awesome close to me cousin brother died in a car crash. I was too little to understand things. But, see, he was an Indian, so, everything was the Indian way. That night, was so clear to me, like it happened just yesterday. His body was lying down, peacefully in the hall. There were prayer chants playing from the radio. There weren't much people in the house, they were mostly standing outside. And there I was, this little Muslim girl, sitting and leaning on her cousin sister (the deceased's sister), moving my body along with her body, as she was reciting prayer chants. The smell of that thing they burn, I remember the smell till today. I was sitting there, for so long, till my Mom called me and tell me not to sit near there. I was pissed at her for not letting me be there. HaHaHa.

I can't explain to people why I am Agnostic, but, it's just me. I gone through shit in my life, I begged Him to help me, He did not come. The ones I loved so hard, kept going, kept leaving, I begged Him a million times to stop taking them, but nothing ever happened. I begged him to help me in life, but nothing ever happened. So, is He really there? Or is He just some sort of creation that people from the Stone Age has taught us? I don't know.

There you go, a little secret that needs to be told.

I somehow believe that He might be there, that there are such thing as Heaven and Hell, that there are someone up there looking down on us, that there are such thing as Hinduism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, but, is it all true? That is what I'm not sure of. Who am I? I don't know too. Isn't it all the same? But, does He really do exist?

I'm sorry if this post might hurt some readers. But this is me. And heck, this is my bloody blog, so I can bitch about anything I want. But, then again, I am truly sorry if I have hurt anyone, never intended to.

Like I said, it's just a little secret that needs to be told.

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-