bullshitting 101~#78 - Ushering 2011...

Today, 31st December 2010.

Felt empty inside. No one to go out with. No plans. No mood. Nothing new about the year, nothing new about me.

Suddenly, the feeling of missing someone, wishing we were still together came rushing in my heart and head. Ied. Yeap, Ied. I'm thinking about him. Thinking of how long we would have been as a couple if we didn't break up. Thinking of how much I woudnt miss him, if we were still together. Thinking of how I won't suffer till now, if we hadnt broken up. I miss him. Ied is my only exboyfriend whom I can't seem to forget. Why? Did he put some black magic on me? Or was he so special that I can't seem to get him out of my heart? Hmm. Till today, I still seem to have questions on my mind, and wishes and hopes that he would come back to me. I can't seem to find the right perfect guy to replace him. Wow, I can't believe I'm actually looking for a replacement, not someone new. He was too special.

I wonder if Mr. E could be special too, but heck, Mr E and Nathra, doesn't fit to be together, too much in common things, it would be like North magnet and another North magnet. But I think Mr. E and me can be best friends. Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, I'm still jobless. Therefore, facebook is always updated, blog is always updated, therefore this post is here. LOL.

OMG, still on my mind, Ied. Will I be able to find someone who can be as special as him? Wait, suddenly, I thought to myself, why am I so desperate to find a boyfriend? Yes, DESPERATE?!?! Am I lonely? Why do I want to feel love so badly? Isn't the love I have from my family is enough already? Or am I just scared to not get married before the world ends? Or is it peer pressure cause all my friends are married, getting married, or at least in a stable relationship?

"Arghh, what's with all these effing questions, Nathra??" I asked myself.

Aha, no answer to that one.

I turned away from the screen, looked at the clock hanging on my room wall, it shows 6.41pm. Damn. I'm gonna be alone tonight. Not being able to celebrate the coming of the new year, the additional year to my age, yeap, believe it or not, I'm gonna be 25. Wow. Even I can't believe it myself. Will I be matured enough? Will I change? Will I be able to answer the questions I have been asking myself all these while? Hah, there you go, haven't got an answer, but added more questions. Haih.

"Nathra, stop whining!" I told myself.

Wow, I'm starting to enjoy this post I'm writing. Haha. Love the style I'm writing. Oh damn, there I go again, praising myself, I'm just soooo into myself. Aha. Sometimes, I feel like Im so into myself, that I should be marrying my own self. Haha. Don't you think so?

Anyway, I hope 2011 will be a better year for me and my family. I hope our financial will be stable, I hope there won't be any family fights(damn, I'm sick of those). But hope what I will get a great job. Hope that I will be close to God and that I will change to be a better person. AND Quit Doshing!!Haha..

Pray for me aight, and wish me luck.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#77 - 5 Days vacation...

Wow..

I went to Terengganu on Saturday(25th Dec 2010), and came back after 5 days of being there. Oh my dreams to face the beach, wow, best days of my life. Haha. Felt peace. But the weather from day 3 onwards was bad though. Hmmm...

Newayz, Im glad I decided to follow my aunt to Terengganu. Had fun doshing by the beach. Had fun of making sure I face the beach each night. LOL. But, that 5 days, I miss my babies alot. I was glad too, coming home, to this four walls around me, sleeping with my babies...:)

But yeah, I'm hoping to go to Lumut next. ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#76 - Damn.

Today, I feel lost.

Owh, actually, I was doing fine, until, he came on my mind, and I read something that made me felt uneasy, and I felt bored, and I was feeling like shiet about the interview tomorrow.

Hmm. I wish he exist, but I wished I never liked him. Why did he have to look so gorgeous after 6 years. Haih.

Why did I gain so much weight after I left highbloodyschool? URGH!

Why is it December already? OMG, I won't have time to diet!!URGH!!

This company that I'm having interview with tomorrow, they seem unreal. Their website is like under construction. They company name has an enterprise at the end of it, not even Sdn. Bhd. LOL.. Therefore, I feel like 'why the fuck did I agree to go?'

BlaBlaBla.... YadaYadaYada.....

FUCK YOU MR.E!!!hehehe...no offense, just felt like saying it for fun to you. hehe.

Alright, forget Mr.E...forget...forget...FORGET!!!

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#75 - Haiyoo, Must Stop Again...

Damn..

This is torturing.

Must try again, and I know I can do it!

I'm gonna stop texting him, stop calling him, just stop looking for him again. But, stop thinking about him?Erm, that's impossible. LOL.

Newayz, all gonna be good. But he said he's coming to KL for new year and for the gathering. Well, hope to see you then. But for now, diet diet and diet!!!!!Very Importante!!Must look good!!Hehe..

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#74 - Arghhh,you make me weak..Damn..

Oh Damn...

So like my previous post says, I was suppose to not text or call Mr. E, I was doing totally fine, not texting him, not calling him for about 5days or 6days, till.....I saw him online yesterday. I don't know why, I clicked on his picture icon on facebook, talked to him, but my intention was to just say hie. But he told me to call at 12.30am. Weird. But so I did call him anyways. I asked him why he wanted me to call. Well, he said nothing, just wanted to talk about the gathering, WHICH WAS GONNA HAPPEN WAYYYYY FAR AWAY, IN JANUARY...15TH JANUARY to be exact...It's ages away...haha..

But then, OMG, hearing his voice, arghhh, it makes me weak.....I like him tooooo much...Honestly, I think about him everyday. LOL..No, I'm not a freak ok! But, he's just on my mind, ALOT. I was wishing he'd like me back. Or if he do like me, say it straight to me. Haha. Seriously, I think men who can't tell a girl that they are into the girl, is a total coward. Haha..But I know he doesn't have feelings for me. I just know.

But it's ok lah. At least, having him as a friend, getting to hear his voice, is already good enough right? :) Yes, who doesn't hope for more, but I can't take the idea of loosing him completely. So, might aswell take the pain of not getting to be in love with him, rather than the pain of loosing him. :)

Somehow, he sounded like he care. Oh well, maybe just as friends. =)

So, that's all for the update now. Oh, I received to job offers. One via email(asking me to send a CV and my portfolio in, but im not interested), another via call, then email (which he set an interview on this Friday, which is like in 3days DAMN, but the company don't look promising enough, don't even have it's own website, WTH right? Haih..) So yeah, honestly, I'm freaking out like hell, I'm super scared to enter the adult's world - W.O.R.K. Shiettt...I'm gonna be one of those people, driving on the road, with a bloody damn stressed face, stuck in the jam back from work...OMG...Die loooo....Newayz, there are other jobs I found online, which really caught my attention. I'm gonna try apply for all those too. Hope it goes well.

Newayz, love you all readers. Thanks for always supporting me by reading my blog and being my follower. :)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#73 - Gonna have to let my feelings go...

This is it.

I can't bear the pain of having to hurt myself again and again.

I don't want to be the pathetic loser who keeps on going after you.

I don't want to be the one who waits around for you.

Yeah, You never asked me to, I know, it was my own stupidity.

Therefore, I'm letting this feelings I have for you go. I must forget you. I must forget the fact that I want love. I must give my love to God, then I'll get back more than love, that's one thing for sure I know. I must stop messaging you. I must stop calling you. And when 15th January comes, I will be matured enough to be totally fine and over you, that is, if Im free to go on the 15th January gathering. LOL.

So, I won't say it's my lost, but heck, it's your lost. ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#72 - I wish I never liked you...

Let me start this post with a sigh.

Haihhhhh~

Seriously, how many of you in this world got rejected? Or liked someone(in my case,so many), but the feeling was never returned? How many of you felt what it feels like to be heartbroken(oh gosh,I don't have enough fingers to count mine)? It hurts doesn't it? Hmm..

Does it mean that it was because we like the wrong person? Or you fell in love with the wrong person? Or just because the person was choosy? Ha, this one has a point, Malaysian men are always after hot girls. LOL. But seriously. Hmm. 

Sometimes I wonder, have those people that we liked ever felt the same way like we did? Hmm. Or do they even know how pain it is to be rejected? Haha.

Anyway, this guy that I like, well, I know he has no feelings for me. But, I ask myself, "Why am I still after you?" Well, he's my friend. I met him 6 years ago at national service. Why did it take me 6 years to finally like him? Why wasn't we friends back then? Oh, but he did mention that back then, he thought I was anti-men. Haha. Next time, y'all should never judge a person by the looks, the way they bring themselves or how they dress up like. Haha. Just because I'm rough and tough, I love wearing men's clothes, I act like I'm a boy, doesn't mean I'm that. Helloo,'read between the lines', think why I did that, not just hearing what people say. Ngeh~ I'm rough and tough because I grew up not having brothers, so my dad thought me and my sisters alot of things that a father should be teaching his son, not daughters, but damn, I'm so greatful my dad thought us to be that. :) Why boyish clothes? Cause it's very comfortable, seriously. LOL. Why act like a boy? Cause I love men/boys/guys, that was 1 way to hang out with them, plus, since I was a kid, I played with boys more than girls, and, I feel like I understand man more than I can understand a women. Haihh...LMAO~

Owh, this guy, you readers know I don't mention names, so let's just call this guy MR. E. :) This mr.E told me alot of things, I learned alot about him, things that you only can learn if you meet and hang out with the guy for a year plus, I learned all that in just couple of weeks, hours of chats. Maybe cause I learn fast about humans. Hmm..

So anyway, since mr. E and I had a quarrel( i think it's a quarrel), we rarely talk now, what more seeing his 'damn i could just kiss him' face on webcam. Haihh..If you think Zac Efron is a super gorgeous hunk, this mr. E is my super gorgeous hunk, but I think if I had no feelings for him, he looks normal, not handsome, just cute maybe, MAYBE. LOL~ Shiet he's gonna kill me if he reads this. Haha.

Owh, I do like him, I really like him. But I don't think he feels the same way like I do. Hmm. But somehow, compared to previous likes, I'm taking it slow this time. And I don't feel as much pain as I do previously. Why? Cause I just like him? not like LIKE him? hmm..nah, I think I really LIKE him..haha..I think about him alot, I miss him so effing much, but then, I know, Love can't be forced, what more, forcing someone to like me back. But, that doesn't mean I should stop my efforts in making him like me. ;P Yeap, I will keep trying, slow maybe, but I won't quit just yet. Not for a long time though. Cause, you know, at somepoint, when you chase something, and you know it's a big NO-NO answer, you gonna stop. Same here in my case.

But what's weird is that, he kept saying he's a bad guy. Yes I haven't met him since 2004, but then, I feel like he's not bad, he's nice, maybe naughty yes, but not bad. Hey, reality check, everyone is naughty right? :) And it would be a miracle if he actually says 'owh, hey, i like you too'..haha..That only happens in dreams..haha..And yes, I would dream about it everyday, just dream lah, cause that ain't gonna happen. LOL. I think, he would be a great boyfriend, a great husband and a great dad. He's funny, he loves cats(I think men who loves animals,is protective, loving and safe to be with), he's nice, he's cute(haha),he's all that a girl could wish for. Hmm.

Neway, so long eh this post? Just about Mr. E..LOL...

Well, the conclusion is, I know the answer is negative, and he's my friend, so, I wished I never had feelings for him. So things would not get complicated. Haihh...

u kno u love me, 

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#71 OMG,he know now...

OHMIGOSHH...

He knows the truth of the whole truth now.

And I know the answer if it is a positive or negative too :(

But nevermind la, just having him even if just as a friend, is way better than loosing him completely right?

Well, I hope we'd still be like before, like how he always make me laugh, how he makes me happy, or better.

Ha, at least I feel relieved that I let it out of my chest now. haha.

p/s: deep down in my heart, I'd wish he felt the same. But, it's ok. Im tough, and I'll just suck it up like a soldier, like I always do.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#70 Dear you...

Dear You..

I wish I could tell you how much I'm into you. I wish I could scream my heart out and tell you that I like you. Also tell you how happy I am when I see you on webcam, or when I see your name appear online, or that you can make me laugh for hours just talking to you, or how my heart jumps when I see your face, or how excited I feel when I get your text reply, or even super excited when I received phonecalls(twice....hmm..) from you. Or how I saved those messages you sent me. Or that your name is the only name on my dialed list.

I wish you have feelings for me. I wish you feel the same way like how I feel about you. I wish you would tell me 'hey, i'm into you'. I wish you would open your heart for me. I wish you could see me for me, not for other reasons. But above all, I wish you would fall for me.

At first, I thought it was going somewhere, I seriously tried to believe that it was gonna be a positive thing this time. But, now, after today, I don't think the same anymore. I think it's negative. It was just my mind telling me that it was positive, but the real fact was, it was all negative. 

Maybe it was wrong to fall for a friend. Maybe it was wrong for me to even have feelings for you. But, why do I have a feeling like, we're so much alike. You're just a guy version of me. OMG.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#69 I have a crush on someone...

Erm..

Again..Boys..HAHA..

I didn't like him at 1st, was feeling totally normal..But then...I realized something...

★ We can talk for hours on fb chat or ym..And he can make me laugh for as long as we talk, till my cheeks get all cramped up. ★

★ Then, I saw his picture, there was this one album, he was with his cat. I have this believe that 1)pictures can tell a million thing 2) A guy that can love animals can be a women's man, loving and protective.Wahhh..★

★ He's a man in uniform. Woah!! ★

★ There was a question that I asked, and he gave an answer that shows he's a nice guy..But don't know how far true that is la...haha.. ★

At times it feels positive, at times it feels negative..haih..

Yes, I hope it will be positive, but, shud it be negative, it's ok..Been thru it alot anyways. I can deal with this too. :)

neways...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-