bullshitting 101~#68 - Ended my 3year war.

Wow.

It's finally over.

The three year war I was in.

It was a tough one. So much dramas.

But heck, I'm relieved that it is over.

So, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~(jumps up and down)

p/s: to be updated soon.

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#67 - Those were the days.

WOW!!

I've been in a war for 3 years, since September 2007, and now, my war is coming to an end.

My final battles will be on the 26th November 2010 and 27th November 2010. It's just matter of days now.

Will I win this war? Im positive that I will! I believe in myself! :)

Neway, the story goes like this...

In September 2007, I wasn't happy at all being in TOA, honestly. haha..But, what the heck, I had to please my mom. I remember the 1st day of orientation clearly. I saw 2 empty seats in between L and N. I choose to sit beside N..That day, I had a look that on my face that clearly said 'u talk to me, im gonna kill u!!i dont wanna be here!'..LOL...and this N, wow, she had the guts to talk to me weh. She said 'so, what course r u taking', on my mind i said 'why the fuck r u talking to me' but i turned to her, smiled, and said 'advertising'. haha..and who knew she'd be my awesome best friend. haha..then when registering, i saw cik P(u kno who u r)..I was leaning agaisnt the wall,near cik P. she was all sooo bubbly..and in my heart, i said 'oh,look at this girl, stupid bimbo'(no offense cik P), then, who knew cik P wud be my awesome best friend too...LOL!!!

Oh, i couldnt forget those 'im gonna quit' and 'i wanna die' days too. hahaha...looking back at 3 years of the past, wow, it really makes me laugh. Gosh, and those running to the toilet, crying hard in the toilet cubicles, having panic attacks, leaving scars on my hands. Oh dear, those were scary moments. Oh, not forgetting those shaking and sweating while doing presentations, hah, I practically drenched in my sweat. I often say ‘I’m going to burn down TOA’ too, and cursed everyone (I don’t mean it!!)..Funny moments!!

There were really sad ones too. The time when I had a huge cold war with cik P. Loosing her as a best friend that was hard to handle. But as time goes by, I’m sure it will be forgotten. I’m glad she’s happy. :) Oh, and I was ALWAYS hanging out at her place back then. Fell in love with a boy, her neighbour. Damn, I thought Ied was really ‘the one’. Stalking him after he came back from sabah. Wow, believe it or not, I am a pretty good stalker, I can totally work as a P.I. LOL…But, till today, he’s always in my heart…..Even my closet, and my wallet…LMAO~

There was also the part where my family doesn’t know the truth. Hehe. I purposely failed, twice. But, without realizing, the purposely failing would change me from a happy talkative person in class, to a anti-socializing person. Before, I would always be the leader, I have friends to go to lunch with, hang out with. But I failed and had to go down to a lower batch. Man that killed the happy me. Haha. But, I learned a lot from failing though. Failing is not wrong; failing is just a part of learning. :)

Well, anyhow, all this falling down, no matter how many times I fell, one thing I learnt, I would always get up, stand tall, and walk again. It made me a stronger person. I gained so much experience. Well, tell ya d truth, the experience I have in me, seriously doesn’t fit my age, I should be 30 or more. Haha. Lucky me I guess. ;p

Neway, TOA has taught me a lot, it’s just more than education, it’s about life, friends, people, experience, happiness, sadness and a whole lot more. I’m glad my mom chose to put me in TOA. Thank you TOA :)

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#66 KAU PEHAL?

Isn't it weird that when someone you like ignores you, but the more they ignore you, the more you want them?

WHY?

Right now, honestly, I don't have feelings for him. Seriously. But then, why do I feel pissed that he blocked/deleted his facebook? I don't have feelings for him but why do I smile when that one day memory flashes back on my mind? I don't have feelings for him but why do I feel pissed that he's ignoring me? I don't have feelings for him but why do I see his facebook everyday?

Then again, think about it, I'm the type of person who can't sit peacefully if I don't get a straight answer. I hate being left hanging. I feel pissed at him right now. It would be enough if he just text me a message saying 'SORRY' and 'We can't be friends', but it would be better if he tells me the truth. I don't care if he even wanna say IF he was just fooling around with me. I just hate the fact that I'm being left hanging. Aiyoo...

Men are complicated aren't they?

There's few thoughts about him on my mind.

1) He likes a girl, but the girl ignores him, coinsidently I came into the picture, so he went out with me, and that was it.

2) He is a big liar who just love to lie.(I still don't understand why I was told to lie to his friend..Hmm)

3) He's still heartbroken with his ex fiance` that he decided to play girls out...?Hmm..

4) He's just a big talker kinda guy? But not the doers? Hmm...

I don't know..Sometimes, I feel pity for myself, but then, the more I think about it, I actually feel he's the one who I should be pity about. Seriously, I pity him. Why is he like that? Well, if I were friends with him for longer, maybe I could have helped him, directly or indirectly. But, he made the decision, so, I respect it..~

p/s: OMG, what if, all this while, what he written on his fb, the songs he posted, the everything, was actually meant for me? What if he was just testing me? Ahh,cant be..But I have a feeling that he's actually in love with DyaZara but doesn't wanna admit it to himself.. Hmm.. But the last status I saw, he was hurt with a girl saying something bad to him..hmm..I think it's not me..LOL..If it was me at all, WTHeck, who cares?!Maybe you did deserve it...? LMAO~

*Anyways, this is way outta topic, but, today's presentation went well. I just need to do some touch up, and submit it next Friday. And tonight, is gonna be work night again. Coz tomorrow will be printing day, so I can prepare for Saturday. :) Pray for me aite. I can't go through the education system again. LOL~

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#65 - Mr.M, you are right. I'm sorry.

Well,today,he posted a status saying "Jangan Sesekali Kite Samekan Seseorang Tu Dengan Orang Len.. Sebab Kite Sendiri Pon X Suke Disamekan Dengan Orang Len.. Memasing Ader Kelebihan Dan Kekurangan.. Yang Hampir Sama.. Tp Sebenarnyer Sangat La Berbeza..!~"

I am pretty sure it's intended for me.LOL.

He's right. I shouldn't be saying that he's just like others. Because I was feeling mad at him, I said so. But to think about it, he was different. He made me happy when we were just friends. He made me felt happiness again after so long. He was the 1st guy I've met who is sweet. So, just because he broke my heart, my heart which was already broken so many times(LOL), that doesn't mean he's just the same as others.

I hope he reads this post.

I'm sorry. I feel ashamed of myself. I shouldn't say that you're the same as others and putting the blame on you for breaking my heart again. So, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.

Well, the blame part..I should be blaming myself. Coz I made the decision to open my heart. I made the decision to love him. I made the decision to be stupid. So, it's all on me.

And, I shouldnt text him anymore, no matter how much my heart wants to, no matter how much I misses him, no matter how much I want him to be my date to my friend's wedding happening this Sunday. LMAO~ Neway, I shouldnt. I'm going to try my very best to stop.

So, I guess, the text message I sent you last night, is the last. My messages, it comes from my heart. If you're dating someone else now or in the future, I hope you'll be happy with her. I hope you find what you're looking for. And, I hope you succeed in life Mr.M. Just don't go toying around with hearts anymore k? :)

Woohooo, now, as for me, OMG, I wore a full arbaiyah set of clothes today, which means, I wore a veil too!!! LOL..My aunties was amazed. And they said that I looked beautiful ( I doubt that is true, coz ugliness will always stay.) haha. My grandma couldnt recognize me at 1st. LOL. Damn funny lah the situation at granny's just now. They asked me is it forever, I said no, but, we'll never know in the near future, Insyaallah. :)

Yesterday, I read prayers before I sleep. I felt peace later. Mr.M was like only 10% on my mind. I slept smiling. I'll be fine. If I lived before this without Mr.M, I can go on surviving just the same. But I really thought he was gonna be in my life to share sadness,happiness,craziness,anger and so on..:) It's ok. Nevermind. I'm sure the right guy would come. But, before that, I must change 1st. :)

Alright then readers. Today I felt peace. Hope it last forever. :)

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#64 You better believe in karma, cause I do.

So, I thought this guy would be a different guy. I really believed he was different. But, apparently, he's just the same.He's just the same as those other guys. And how stupid I was to have again, believed a man. Damn it. And all these men is just sitting there, happily, laughing the shiet out of me. And I'm the one who has to suffer.

Dei, to all the guys whom I gave my heart to, but they poached it, well guess what, there's this thing in this world that is called KARMA. What goes around comes around la weh. I paid my time. So, it will be yours next. And when you are going through it, I hope you will see my face each time you blink, and feel the pain I go through. Then, at that time, when you realize, it will be too late.

Look, I liked you but I told you I was scared. But then, you said 'if you are scared, then it's ok.' So, I felt like that was a dare. See, when I feel challenged, I will take it up. So I opened my heart for you. But oh, you had to hurt me like this? I did tell you, my weakness was I bug people alot. Yeah. Because of what? Because I love. 

This is it. As long as I still breathe, this is it, I had enough, no more man, no more love. Good bye love. I'm breaking up with love forever. I'll stick to my decision that I made before this, to never get married. And I vow my life to God and animals. That's it. Nothing more.

But what pisses me off, I can never sit quietly till he come tell me upfront. Face me. Tell me. If he does, then I'll respect him. I don't care if he can't be with me or whatever shiet. It doesn't matter. But what matters is when he bravely come face me and tell me the truth. I'm not piss at him, I'm just pissed coz Im left hanging without a clue of anything. Coward much dude? Damn you make me LMAO~

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#63 Today's mood: HAPPY

Wow, yesterday I was like a fire burning like hell.

Today, Im like the wind, blowing softly.

See, Nathra has terrible mood swings. Is there any reason for that? LOL~

Dear Mr. M,

If you are reading this, which I hope you will.

I have no clue on whatever you're trying to do. 

You seemed fine to me, so, there should not be any reason for not telling me anything.

Unless....

a) you're a coward.

b) you're heartless.

c) i'm just thinking negative shiets. LOL.

So, bla bla bla, yada yada yada. I'm gonna stop texting you, stop calling you. Must! Fuh..

This is the point where I move on. Plus, I had so many man, just like you, entering my life for just a second, so, I can go through this. Ding Ding. I'll be fine in no time.

Oh, and remember when I told you the shiets I went through? Remember you asked me once if I see you as a guy who's just using me for satisfaction? That time I said no, but heck, it's actually a YES. Plus, I'm blinded already. Can't see what's right and what's wrong when it comes to love. Maybe coz I closed my heart before this.Hmm..

But, I won't forget Sunday, November 7th..I think that was one of the best days of my life. And I will never forget, that I met you, once, a sweet guy who just made me fly so high and kept saying 'awww~' :)

Thank you for giving me the chance to feel that day. :)

So, now, Buh-bye!!

Newayz, y'all...

Thursday 18th November : Final presentation for Advertising Campaign 3.

Saturday 20th November: Pre Final Presentation for Corporate Literature.

Friday 26th November: Final Presentation for Practical Project.

Saturday 27th November: Final Presentation for Corporate Literatur.

Hurmp~

Wish me luck y'all..I cannot,CANNOT go through the education system anymore ever again! LOL~

Love y'all..

Love Mr. M, nottt...But, I still like him, but it's going away. Good,no?

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#62 Post full of rage and hunger. LOL..real bullshitting!!

OH MI GOD!!!

1) I hate waiting, do not ever make me wait!

2) I hate cowards who can't just fucking come straight to my fucking face and tell me the fucking truth.

3) I hate people who toy around with a person's heart, especially when they know what that person has been through with before.

4) I fucking hate liars.

5) I can't stand when people has a phone, but never know how to answer calls/reply text messages.

6) I hate myself when I love someone, see, I became stupid!!!

7) I hate when people give me fake fucking promises.

8) I hate when people kisses the other person, say that they love, but suddenly stops everything without an explanation.

9) I fucking hate my fucking heart!Why the fuck do I have to have that stupid 'love' in me?

10) I totally hate it when people rejects my fucking call!

WARGHHH!!!

FUCKSHITFUCK!!

URGH!!!

Disgusting shietzos happening. Damn!

*this is a post full of rage. LOL~ eh,hungry la!

ehem...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#61 Bruno Mars...

Oh wow..

You posted that song by Bruno Mars titled 'just the way you are'...

Oh how I wish it was for me...But it's not.. So, never mind...LOL...

Haihz...

That girl must be lucky to have you posting that song for her..

But, if I could turn the song around, instead of singing it for a girl, I'd sing it for you.

Coz you are amazing, just the way you are...

I wish there was a guy who'd sang that song for me.

It's sweet. But then, does it happen in reality, what said in the song? LOL...

Newayz, here, enjoy the lyrics...:)

Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are

[Verse 1]
Her eyes, her eyes
make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday (yeahh)

I know, I know
When I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so
Sad to think that she don't see what I see
But everytime she asks me "Do I look okay?"
I say

[Chorus]
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

[Verse 2]
Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh
she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfects what you're searching for
Then just stay the same
So don't even bother asking if you look okay
'Cause you know I'll say

[Chorus]
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are

[Repeat Chorus]  

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#60 'The break up'

1st thing's 1st, OMG, who knew this would be the 60th post.haha..

The Break Up...

3steps to go through...in my own words...:)

Step 1.

The Break Up.

You fall into a 7feet deep hole.

Step 2.

Healing Process.

You try to climb out of the hole. You suffer and feel pain.

Step 3.

Congfuckingratulations. You're fine.

You made it through. You stand tall and look down at the hole saying 'heck,that wasnt that bad!'

Just sharing with you readers. :)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#59 the true definition of love,in my eyes.

Love.

That four lettered word.

Beautiful to listen to it.

Ugly when you go through it.

Well, definition of it?Here goes nothing...

1) When you say you love, don't just say it, make sure you feel it and it comes truly and purely from your heart.

2) In love, you got to have full trust.

3) Love is not a one sided thing, so when you tell the other person that you love, do show your effort in proving it.

4) In love, there should be no secrets. So, whatever shietzos you have on your mind, spill it out, no matter if it's going to hurt.

5) Never lie in love.

6) Believe in it when you say 'I love you'.

7) Never ever misuse the word love, especially not for the fuck of your satisfaction.

8) Love of course, is complicated. It has it's ups and downs. If you make through it, then pretty sure you can survive with him/her forever.

9) Fully anticipate when you love someone.

10) When you love, put your whole heart into it.

I think I did a mistake.

Did I call/text you too much? YES.

Did I love you too soon? YES.

Am I confused whether I love you or super like you? YES. (took me few days to realize this)

Do I think that we should get to know each other better? YES.

Because I love(sayang,bukan cinta) you, I gave my heart to you? YES.

I suck at relationships? YES.(been too long since the last one)

Do I feel like you don't put effort? YES.

Do I feel like we haven't known each other for real? YES.

Do I regret knowing you? NO.(I'm glad you came into my life, doesn't matter if just as a friend or more)

So, to your question "Bila kita boleh kapel?"

The answer, the right answer is, "Tunggu la,kita kenal lah hati masing2 dengan lebih mendalam dahulu."

It's time for me to make it all right.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#58 Life is sweet when u make it sweet...

Dear readers,

If you are one of those sick minded people, like me(haha), you should probably listen to the song by The Band Perry titled If I Die Young. It made me want to write this post. Watch the video too. It's very sweet. The video is awesome, beautiful colour.

Here, the lyrics:

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town says he'll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls 

I would sing this song, anytime, all the time..

Look, life is one great thing ever given to us by God. Who knew a beautiful song would make me open my eyes to that. I'm going to appreciate the time I have in this world. All this while, I've been complaining to not have love, and how life is full of shietzos...Now, it's time to throw all that away. Embrace life as I still can. 

I have love all around me. 

I have parents. 

I have sisters. 

I have a great nephew and an awesome brother in law.

They all love me. 

What more, I have 5 beautiful awesome best babies(cats) and 2 amazing tortoise. Somehow, we speak the same language(lol)..

I have amazing aunties and uncles who understand what I go through. 

I have good friends who understands my situation and somehow helps me in everyway. 

I have a great friend(boyfie?) who makes me happy each time we meet face to face, so what if he doesn't calls, so what if there's whatever shietzos going on, but, what matters is, when we meet, it feels like there's just the two of us living on earth. Nothing else matters. He makes me smile all the time. He makes me laugh. He's the sunshine that shines through my darkest days. He's the voice in my laughter. And he makes me feels appreciated and loved. And he cares and listen.

And lastly, I have God with me, who loves me just as much as he loves all his creations. He gives me strength to carry on. He puts faith in myself. He makes it all amazing.

What more do I need? I know that they will come through for me when I need them.

I have to break out from the bad thoughts I have all this 24 years on my mind.

I know I can pull through it. I can make it through.

I believe in myself.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#57 real bullshet.

Ahh..

Love is one fucked up shit lah.

And I'm one stupid shet too.

Why laaa when I love, I put too much interest in it?

At the end of the day, get myself burnt. DAMN.

24years of my life, all I've been looking for is love.

Is that why I put so much attention into it?

But why can't people see my effort in making things work?

Why do I always have why?

Why did it appear now?

If only it didn't appear, then all this wouldnt happen.

But if it didn't appear, then this blog would most probably not be updated, I would feel sad always, I would not have a reason to go on, and bla bla bla, yada yada yada...

WHY???!!!

Hish...God Gammit betul la!Urghh...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#56 - 11.11.2010, at approximately around 12am+ with Mr.M ;)

Well.....

11.11.2010..about 12am plus...It happened...

He made me soooo happy...

I love him, yes, as in care for him and so. But not deeply yet, too early for that right....?

Sayang, if you are reading this...I forgot to answer your question, it's a yes..;)

Oh, one thing I love about him, he's sweet, he makes me feel appreciated and I can see love in him.

This is scary to say, but, I don't know why, I see a future with him. OMG.

Oh dear, I love his body(perfect woo), his hairstyle, his smile, how he makes me laugh and the fact that he speaks English(yeay) and soo on...=)

I hope it last. I hope he is 'the one'.

Yes, I'm still having difficulties to trust, so, I hope he will be patient with me.

I'm scared, but I'm gonna try, coz I really like him alot.

Ha, I can go on writing this, but, heck, I got work to do.

So, I shall say, to be continued.

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#55 Thanks for hurting me...

Dear 'To whom it may concern',

Sometimes I wish you wouldn't be so hard on me.

Sometimes I wish you were still the person I grew up living with.

Promises you made, that never came through. Thank you.

The 1st business card I did, you threw in the bin?!..Thank you.

The amount of times I tried to talk to you, but you pushed me away, yet you all say I didn't try?...Thank you.

You compared me to someone that did something worst, yet you said I was worst? Thank you.

The times you told me that I was disturbing you but you were just watching the bloody news bout the bloody country. Thank you.

And so....

Thank you. For what I have become, it's all taken from examples that happened around me. The things you do to me, it left bruises in my heart. I even started to think if I belong in the right place or not. Till one point, I just asked myself, do you not love me anymore?

But who am I to tell you off. Im just a kid. So, all I wanna say, is thank you. Thanks for hurting me.

That person I loved long time ago, has gone missing. I don't know who you are anymore. Sorry.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#54 It's all about me, me and me!!

Let's see, where do I start...

Oh...

Note. Please take cautious precausion when you befriend Nathra. LOL~

BEWARE: I am damn complicated!! I'm smart, yet stupid. I'm ugly, yet cute. I'm always happy, yet sad inside. I'm not weird, I'm just unique, and I love being me. I'm straight, yet crooked. I'm a lover, yet a hater. I'm sane, yet insane. I'm rough and tough, yet soft and sensitive. There's only 2 choices for y'all to pick, either L.O.V.E. M.e. or G.e.t. t.h.e. e.f.f. o.u.t. o.f. m.y. l.i.f.e. Thank you.

 

I'm a person who puts on a fake smiling mask before I leave my house everyday.
I'm never perfect, I've never wished to be perfect, but I wanted things to be perfect.
I never liked money, I hated it. But yet, I still need to hang on them for survival. DAMN.
I have the potential to be a serial killer and a tiger/cat(basically,animals).
To me, the highest respected creature in this world and in life is ANIMALS!

Love is a STUPID thing! It's just a waste of time. But then again, maybe that's only for me, not for others,LOL. Ive been through enough shiets with men. I'm done with love. Maybe yes, I want to love, but, I have a feeling that men are just gonna poach it again and again. So,buhbye!!LOL~
Im not weird, Im just unique. Friends say that I'm very random, yes, I am, but I dont give a damn if you like it or not. LMAO~

Everything is gonna be about me and only me because I have build a thick strong brick wall around me, no intruders allowed. But, should there come a prince who is strong enough to break it, heck, I'm willing to open up :)

 

What I hate most? Well....

I hate liars.

I hate cheaters.

I hate heartbreakers.

I hate exboyfriends(LOL).

I hate fuckers.

I hate money.

I hate men/people who have no guts to come tell me straight if they got a problem with me.

I hate men who can't speak English, at all. URGH!Such a turn off.

I hate men/people who keep bringing themselves down ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Hellooo, be positive la!

I hate men wearing slippers when out on a date with me. It's like, you dress up nice, you look so good, but suddenly, when Im checking you out from top to bottom, the bottom part would just kill everything, slippers??haha..

I hate those who hates animals.

I hate obeying rules. I live my own rules occay!

I hate when people tell me what to do.

Basically, I'm a hater. LMAO..

I'm born a leader. I like to lead. It's a natural instinct that comes automatically when needed. You got problem with me, you come tell me straight to my face. I can read people's personality, people's body language, but, I would just shut about it, because I like it when they tell the truth, even though I already know the truth. haha. To me, yeah, truth hurts, knowing things hurts, but heck, if you don't tell me, how the fuck am I going to know the truth, and try to do something about it, right? haha..Plus, I'm tough as hell, so come on, spill!!hahaha...

This post is very random ya? LOL..Well, it is clearly writen on the title, all about me..hahaha...Pity you guys who has to suffer to read this, but, so? Is it writen on my face that I care? hahaha..Omg, I miss using that line so much..haha...

p/s: The guy I like? hmm...I don't know. I'm really scared. Plus, does he like me back? I don't think so lah. Hmm.. Maybe it was just a kiss? Anyway, the wall is still up high, no one broken it yet. So, whatever lah. haha. But damn, do you know how it feels like, liking someone so much, seeing a future with the person, but then, the person is not into you? And, do you know how it feels like, liking a lot of people, but always being rejected? LMAO~ To hell with love. RAISE A GLASS WITH ME!!hahaha...

 

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#53

Sometimes,

I just wonder what life means.

Sometimes,

I wonder what love is for.

Sometimes,

I wonder what it feels like to know all that.

This was written because of dad. Yes, my dad.

Something he said, made me sad.

Then, I thought to myself,

Why did he changed?

Why did I changed?

Why did mom changed?

Why did Tash changed?

Why did Nadz changed?

Why did we all change? Why?

Why did life became so hard as soon as we step into adulthood?

Why does family pretend to be happy, but not admitting their true feelings?

Money.

You killed us all.

You took happiness away.

As long as I live,Im going to hate you.

Lost.

That's what I'm feeling.

Not knowing what's going to happen next.

I hate waiting, why make me wait?

Sometimes,

I wish I don't know what feelings is.

Most of the time,

Im praying I don't have feelings.

Numb.

That's what I want to feel.

Wind.

Bring my sadness away.

Take my worries away.

Take my questions away.

I wish to be on a hill,

where it's all green,

filled with little flowers,

Oh how beautiful that feeling would be.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

~PoemTime#2~

Yesterday,Today,Tomorrow II

20th September-01October2010

Yesterday,

I was foolish, I was stupid,

I wasted time like it didn't mean anything,

I screwed up big time.

Yesterday,

I only thought of playing, I was rebellious,

I choose to be in my own world,

But I wasn't the person I was today.

Today,

I'm changing bit by bit,

I may not be fully matured,

But I wasn't all what I was yesterday.

Today, I have a dream to achieve,

I have a goal to reach,

And I am certain to score by tomorrow.

Tomorrow,

I will be better than what I was today,

I won't be stupid and fooling around like yesterday,

Everything will change,

And goals of today will be achieved.

Tomorrow,

Frowns will all be turned upside down,

I would be on top of the world, smiling,

I will be proud of myself,

And I could stand tall and say

"I made it, through it all".

Untitled

01October2010

Darkness,

That was all she could see.

Cold,

That was all she could feel.

Her cries and screams was all meaningless,

It was swollowed by the wind.

Love,

It was all she needs.

Calm,

It was all she wanted to feel.

Deep, rough, scary voice of the wind,

It was all she could hear.

'Is this the end', she asked.

Silence, was all there was.

Stuck in the dark,

She was to scared to move,

Not knowing what was ahead,

She curled in,

Holds her body tight,

She puts her head down,

Praying to die.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#52 Mr.M...

Who knew 4th November 2010 would be a lucky day.

I met someone,Mr.M.. The story goes like this...

It was his birthday. I wrote a post on his wall. Then we chat at facebook. I read his info, and I loved his bio. LOL. So we talked and talked,blablabla, we ended up continuing chatting on YM. I never felt so fun talking to a person before,honestly. Then he said he was gonna go to pyramid the next day(4th November la), so we planned to meet up. It was a 'blind date' kononnya. But damn, he bailed on me!!LOL~ but he has to work, so, understandable..:) Then two days after that(6th November), i texted him, so we planned on lunch, at MCD Bangi, but he had to go to Ikea with his mom. Understandable,family comes 1st. :) Then that night, we were suppose to hang out, but he lost his wallet(clumsy boy!!LOL), so the plan got cancelled again. It's ok, understandable too...:) Then, 7th November, we finally went according to plan, well, since Im always broke, he lost his wallet, and I hate public, so we hang out at the hill in Kajang. We sat there from 6+pm till 10pm, WOW, but it was amazing, especially sitting with him up there, talking, laughing, and watching crackers popping everywhere, and not forgetting, the weather was PERFECT that day!! He's amazing. He's who he is, just like from the chatbox. :) Well,usually, guys I meet, they are not at all like what they say,LOL...

Then, mom called(damn,if not,cud hang out longer with him,LOL) so I had to leave. I drove to 7e to get my dosh, then sent him back to his car where he parked. So, we were saying bye and stuff, and suddenly he just kissed me on my cheeks. That moment, I just can't explain the feelings, but OHMIGOSH, it was amazing. but I was shocked too at the same time. I really think my heart did stop for like 5seconds then(LMAO), then, I thought he was gonna go, but, he kissed my cheeks again..Seriously woo, guys wud usually go for the lips straight, but he didnt, he didnt cross the line, that's one amazing thing about him. AND OMG, HE HAS FUCKING SOFT HANDS,wow!hahaha..It was so sweet. That moment, was just again, WOW..

Anyway, the main thing I wanna say is actually, I think Im scared. Im scared to love. shiett right?hmmm...Im scared, that when I give my heart, it would be broken again. I don't want a boyfriend, i want a husband. Hmmm..But, to get the husband, we gotta go thru the boyfie process right?hmm..damn..But, anyway, it's still so bloody new. If he's really the one, like how my heart feels(opps,kantoi..LMAO), I hope it goes well. Coz if it's not, Im gonna soo not give a damn about love and feelings anymore. Penat weh...hahaha...

But, why is he on my mind alot? Damn...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

p/s: Im in love with this song now, I think this song goes to him.. ;)

Miranda Cosgrove - Kissin you

Sparks fly it’s like electricity
I might die, when I forget how to breath
You get closer and there’s no where in this world I’d rather be
Time stops like everything around me is frozen
And that the night is the thieves
Few moments when you open my mind to things I’ve never seen

Cuz when I’m kissing you my senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place you’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away when I’m kissing you
When I’m kissing you it all starts making sense
And all the questions I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
How clear it becomes when I’m kissing you

Past loves they never got really far
Walls of pictures I’ve got in my heart
And I promise I wouldn’t do this
Till I knew it was right for me
But no one, no guy that I met before
Could make me feel so right and secure
And have you noticed I loose my focus
And the world around me disappears

Cuz when I’m kissing you my senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place you’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away when I’m kissing you
When I’m kissing you it all starts making sense
And all the questions I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
How clear it becomes when I’m kissing you

I’ve never felt nothing like this
You’re making me open up
No point in even trying to fight this
It kinda feels like it’s love

Cuz when I’m kissing you my senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place you’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away when I’m kissing you
When I’m kissing you it all starts making sense
And all the questions I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
How clear it becomes when I’m kissing you

<3

bullshitting 101~#51 Lost another baby....

Life is just one fucked up shit, don't you all think so?

Well, if you have read my previous post, you'd know that i've lost a baby in June 2010,a day after my 24th birthday.

On 17th September 2010, I lost another baby, Soxy. She just vanished too, just like Rasta. Yeah, it's like double the cut on Nathra's heart. Nathra had 7 lives, now just 5.

Why is it just too damn hard? I have nothing, I gave my happiness away. I lived like shiet. I accepted everything. But the only one damn thing that gave me strength to carry on living, why did You have to take it away from me?