should i or should i not?

so,i really love this guy,but i really havent heard from him for quite long,too long for me..hehe..coz when u really love someone,time passes by sooo slow when it comes to waiting.
so,i've been thinking yah,im 22 this year,and next year,im gonna be 23...so,been planning........MAYBEEEEE,im gonna tell my parents bout him...
but now,ive been also thinking,maybe i havent got the courage to tell them,so scary..but who knows,maybe next year,being 23,will be wiser?right?
so,anyone have ideas on how to do that??pern?nix??hmmmmm.....
FREAKYYY!!
FREAKYYY!!
FREAKYYY!!
FREAKYYY!!
FREAKYYY!!

ied..where r u..

so,im writing again...
where are you ied?
i missed you..
why are we being separated by the sea?
why do we need to go through this hard time?
why do i have to suffer?i always suffer..
im tired of suffering..
im tired of waiting..
but,im still gonna try to put my head up high,and wait....
i know,u will call me soon...
that's a strong feeling...u will call me soon...
real soon........

i wanna be an actress..

i love fame!!
i love fame!!
i love fame!!
i love fame!!
i love fame!!
shouting out to all readers..
whoever who know anyone/any agency that's looking for an actress,let me know!!
im too addicted to fame!!hahaha...

dear anonymous...

well,my post,titled "waiting" has been commented by an anonymous..
well,dear anonymous,well,waiting hurts..but if u like a person,u shud tell the person,coz if i were u,i wud go to that person,and let him/her know how i feel about him/her...
and if that person already know,but maybe for unwanted reasons he/her couldnt be with u,and u know that there's no way u gonna be with that person,then straight to ur face im telling u,THERE IS SUCH WORD IN THIS WORLD AS "MOVE ON".....sorrie to be harsh...
see,for my case,i am already in a relationship,and im worried of his wellbeing...coz we r separated by the sea...so,its very difficult..
try imagining urself,having a loved one(which u r in relationship with!),being god knows how far away from u,and u havent seen him/her in 3weeks and in the next 7months,and u havent heard from him/her in 2weeks since he/her landed in that place,and u dont know if u r gonna hear from him/her in the next 7months...
now,picture that....
but anyways,thank you for reading and putting down ur thoughts on my blog,i highly appreciate it...

waiting...

waiting...
ive been waiting..
its getting too long now..
but im still waiting...
i hate waiting...
coz waiting makes me loose my mind..
my mind changes into negative thoughts if waited too long..
call me..dont make me wait..
how long more shud i wait?
if only u wud understand this..
if only u cud feel what im going through..
if only u knew how waiting feels like...

its been 3 weeks since i last saw u...
its been 2 weeks since i last heard from u..
negative thoughts are coming soon..
when am i gonna hear from u?
when will 7months come?
when can i wake up n feel happy knowing that u r near to me?
when can i see u again?
when can i get rid of the negative thoughts that r coming in my head?
why am i like this?
why am i too in love with u?
why cant i take it easy?
why why why?
ARGHHHHH
ARGHHHHHH
ARGHHHHHHH
ARGHHHHHHHH
BID MY BLOOD TO RUN,
BEFORE I COME UNDONE,
SAVE ME FROM THE NOTHING I'VE BECOME...
(erkk,tetibe je ada lagu evanesence ni asal ek?)

dreams...

2 bad dreams...one involving pern..which i was at pern's with my car and also my new bike that dad bought me(in the dream laa) which looks the same as iedrus's bike,same colour,same number plat...then bla bla bla...cut the story la..haa,me n pern was in my car,in the jam,it was raining slightly,and my car kindda skidded..ishh,hard to explain la..but it wasnt my mistake,it was the car,it has a life,and it wanted to do bad to me...so freaky!!!the other involving iedrus..i dream that the snake bit him and he died..so sadddddd......so scary..nightmare..arghh..another thing im curious about,y do i always have dreams that involves snakes?gosh..is that bad?is it dangerous?does that mean bad luck?arghh...confusing laa...

understand

I Know What It's Like To Want To Die, How You Try To Fit In But You Cant, How You Hurt Yourself On The Outside To Try To Kill The Thing On The Inside.

22 and still,life has no meaning..

take my life away,
i don't want to be here,
i have everything,
but yet,am not happy.
why?i questioned myself,
i feel unhappy,
i feel down,
i feel like i want to end it,
end my life that doesnt mean anything to me,
take me away,
far from my own life,
bring me away,
where i could mean my laughter,
make me disappear,
make me go away...
-written on 24sept08-

MUNGKIN,kan?

mungkin, kalau aku bawa diri,semua akan gembira,kan?
mungkin,kalau aku pergi jauh,mum & dad akan sedar,kan?
mungkin,kalau aku takde,orang takkan tau pun,kan?
mungkin,kalau aku mati,mereka bahagia,kan?
mungkin,aku tak bermaksud apa-apa pada keluarga,kan?
mungkin,pada diaorang,aku cuma patung boneka,kan?
mungkin,aku memang menyusahkan diaorang,kan?
mungkin,aku memang mengada-ada & rosak,kan?
mungkin,aku memang bodoh,kan?
mungkin,mum memang maksudkan apa yang dia kata,kan?
mungkin,aku memang tak wujud,kan?
mungkin,aku patut bawa diri,kan?
mungkin,aku patut mati,kan?
MUNGKIN,SEMUANYA BETUL!
MUNGKIN JUGA AKU BUKAN ANAK MEREKA....
-written on 5th october 2008-

Hari ini dan Esok

Hari ini,
ku telah berputus asa,
ku ingin pergi jauh,
membawa diri,
ke dunia lain.
Hari ini,
ku sedar,bahawa ku tidak berguna,
aku ingin bersendirian,
jauh dari keluargaku,
ku sedar,ku tidak layak,
untuk dipanggil manusia.
Esok,
aku akan berjauhan,
aku akan bersendirian,
menempuhi hidup tanpa keluarga,
di duniaku sendiri.
Esok,
akanku mati dengan bangga,
atas keputusanku,
walau dihina dan dicaci,
ku tetap akan bangga,
kerna ku bisa membuat keputusanku sendiri.
-wrote on 5th October 2008-

cinta...

ketika kamu sibuk berlatih,
ku disini mengingatimu.
ketika kamu sibuk bercakap,
ku disini bercakap tentang kamu.
ketika kamu sakit,
ku disini merasai kesakitanmu.
dan ketika kamu sedang tidur,
ku disini membelaimu.
apabila kamu menyedari,
masa 7bulan berlalu pantas,
ku disini merasai seperti 7tahun menantimu,
sentiasa kamu dihatiku,
ku merinduimu, ku mencintaimu,
dan ku ingin kau tahu,
ku sentiasa di dalam hatimu,milikmu..
kerna akulah,
aku..
yang tetap mencintaimu,
walau dunia terbahagi dua,
kau tetap dihatiku...
cinta....

mix stuff....

i figured out something...well..maybe..im too extream lazy..to do anything..maybe the two years spent doing nothing at home,has made my brains and body lazy..extreamly lazy...i just like sitting doing nothing..or hanging out with frens..coz i love laughing...and i also found out that i like doing my own art..its more like expressing what's in myself...hmm...owh..nix n pern..i miss those days going back with u guys on d bus n lrt..we use to laugh like there's nobody around us..n wen people look at us,we just laugh tercekik sbb kena tahan gelak..hahaha....owh man...i miss year 1...hmm...TOA made us suffer...well...maybe just me..i dont knoe how evry human that goes to TOA can cope up laa...ishh....gila aku jdnye..maybe by d time i graduate,im gonna enroll into d asylum..haha...owhh...bored bored bored...hmmm....dunno wat else to say...but..i think,these days,im a lil happier..as in work wise..i try to think that its 4 my own good..and nvm to suffer,as long as others dont suffer seing me not doing anything in my life...and..im sad also,coz i miss iedrus so much...its been 2weeks not seeing him..and 1week havent heard any news for him coz he cannot bring his hp...and he's stuck in d jungle someplace in Sabah..aiyoo..hmm...its ok...he'll be back in 7months..and i think,i have a mission...to loose weight in 7months...and ive been thinking,when he meet me in KLIA,will he notice me or he wont know who i am..hehehe...well...good luck to me on my mission..hope u guys will support me!and hopefully i can tahan my nafsu for food..hahaha....

feelings??

happiness..what is happiness?
sadness..what is sadness?
anger..what is anger?
love..what is love?
devastated..what is devastated?
shocked..what is shocked??
and so on...
feelings...owh feelings...have u ever felt a kindda feeling,that u cudnt explain..its like all in one...and ur body tingles to it...blood rushes in u..heart feels weird..hmm..i have..and have u ever feel sad most of the time,but goes around faking up ur own feelings to hide the feelings out?i have...have u ever felt like the world hates u?i have...well...d best thing that explains me,myself and i...the song sang by simple plan-welcome to my life...hmm...

huh?

so yeah..he left..but...he didnt leave for good la...he is undergoing training in sabah at this very moment...3months in sabah...then 3months dunno where(but hopefully in kajang)...then 1month back in sabah for d final training..and...he's now actually a sub-inspector...after training,he will naik pangkat to inspector..then dunno when la,he's gonna enter those polis academy n naik pangkat to chief inspector..then kawin with me..hahahaha...
now,its been few days since i last saw him..actually,1week to be exact..and its gonna be for 7months more..unless he gets to be in kajang la..but if not,7months..and i have asked so so so many people this question,"7months is not long right?"....just to be assured...hmm...
actually,im so sad....plus we just met...but hey,i forgot to mention,we have so many common things...its like 'bagai pinang dibelah dua' r weii..hehe...i miss him laaa...arghh....kan best kalau 7bulan tu sama dengan 7hari/7minggu je....hmmm....
but neway,life,is pretty messed up..my works are last minutes...my energy has gone away with the wind..my mind,often flyz away...and wen im driving,i only think of either CRASHING INTO D TOLL'S WALL or IEDRUS(dlguy)...and wen at home,i lock myself up in my room...my mind,gone with the wind...i wish i cud not be who i am today...and i really really wished,i had parents/family members who understands me better..who can actually see n feel what im going through...who can actually,be in d same shoe as mine..
and ive gave up...on studying..on living...i gave up on everything...all i have in my life at this moment is,my babies......every humanbeing has gone away from me..drifted away..even iedrus..but iedrus case is acceptable,he needs his training..hehe...but everyone else...mum?dad?tasha?nadia?fazli?pern?nix?i needed u guys.....i need u guys badly...but,where r u?
can i just float away and vanish into thin air?can i fall from earth into the space n disappear?can i cut my self so deep n alot,that there wont be any skin left for me to cut?can i punch the wall so hard that it breaks?can i hang myself off klcc tower?can i crash my car,into the toll's wall..and if i do,will i be flying through the air b4 i die?can i be assassinated?can i be murdered?
will i be missed?will i be remembered?will i be forgotten?

finally,its about time!!

finally,after pern passed the letter n kept pushing him 4 d number,he asked 4 my number..omg..and he started by just miscalling me..and then messaging..thnx to d technology,or else,i'll be stuck with zaman batu nye surat menyurat..haha...now,dlguy,is my boyfriend..haha...PERN,BANYAK BANYAK TERIMA KASIH YAA!!!hehe...u'll be top1 on my wedding guest list!!hehe...
so ya,at 1st i have 2boyfriends,but then,i ended things with zul..coz i didnt have feelings 4 him,and i figured out y i shud not keep him to myself..but ya,i were happy,zul was dissapointed..hmm..nvmla...life moves on...but ya,dlguy,he treats me like a princess..huhu..but.......im so so super sad now...he left today morning...and i wont meet him till after 7months..hmm...he's leaving 4 sabah,4 training..and i keep telling myself,7months is not long..is very fast...ya?hmm...
dlguy,he's an inspector..and his goal is to keep getting promotion..and to marry me..huhu...owh man,love was so gud..finally...hehe...neway,i've been thinking..when he comes back after 7months,i wanna go pick him up at klia...and,i think i will just stop n stare when i c him..tergamam kejap kot..hehe...then run n hug him..u know,like in those movies..hehehe...but now,i just cant wait 4 that moment...coz,not onli i wont c him 4 7months,but no calling also..he only can call me on satdays n sundays..psycho r....baru kawin da kena macam ni..aiyoyo...gila la aku...btw,i met his sister at his house..hahahaha....his sister mcm scary r..garang je muke..eeee..seram...neway...im glad that i have someone who loves me n i love him too...
XOXO