scars on my hands,im suicidal again

she's pretty messed up now
no..
she's totally messed up now
she's regretting a lot of things now
she should be dead by now
she should be outta this world by now

but,
should she?
what about others who love her,
what about others whom she loved,
what about others..

then she thought again,
its always about others,
and she's always being left out,
she's always the 2nd choice,
she's always pretending to be happy,
she's always being dumped by everyone,
it was never about her..

who is she?
is she me?
i wonder...

then i got the answer,
it is me..
i always want everything to be about me..
but that never happened,did it?

but,
secretly,slowly,after being patient,
after wanting something so badly,
somehow,i get it..

then i realize,
when i've set my eye on something,
i must get it..

yeah..that's me..
im a psycho,go-hatter,crazy,outta this world,wants everything but dunno what i want person..
im a bitch..
im a freak..

then i realize,
oh,
i hate myself,
that's why,
its 'scars on my hands,im suicidal again'..

my dlsr!!weee!!!

i got it!!!
im so happy!!
nikon D60kit...
RM1870...
mummy said its my early birthday present..which is in june..
awesome la!!!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
WOOT WOOOOTTTTT!!!

pern n nix..ingat lagu ni x?haha..

pern and nix...do u guys remember this song i modified for college?

apa salahku,
kau buatku begini,
dalam dilema diantara berjuta kerja..
usah biarkan diriku keseksaan,
melakukan kerja kerja yang membebankan..
tidak pernah ku duga ini semua terjadi,
oh-wo-oh-oh...semua ini..
telah banyak yang ku beri,
sejak 1st day lagi,
kesabaran telah pun dicabar..
hanyalahhh Tuhan saja,
bisa memahami semuanya,
kesabaran daku meneruskan..perjalanan....

cinta dalam hati

this song..has a million meanings for me..hmm...

mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
mengagumi tanpa di cintai
tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
dalam hidupmu, dalam hidupmu

telah lama kupendam perasaan itu
menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
bahagia untukku, bahagia untukku

reff:
ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu
meski ku tunggu hingga ujung waktuku
dan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
dan ijinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejab saja

kenape?

kepada,
-kamu-

salahkah aku suka padanya?
salahkah aku berterus terang?
bukannya aku nak suka pada dia..
tapi hati dah terpikat,nak buat macammane?
penantian itu sangat menyeksakan..

i just wanna be the one you share your love with..
it was fun laughing with you..
it was fun knowing you..
i wanna be that special one..

tapi,kalau susah sangat,
takperlah..
biarlah aku menjadi temannya sahaja..
biarlah aku mengenalimu setakat berkawan..
kerana,itupun dah cukup istimewa buatku..

dari,
-aku-

ZA...

it starts from KAMI and the star news paper..

i secretly adored him..
i secretly have feelings for him..
by accident..
i never knew i wud like u alot..
and i read ur poem for her..
i wish i cud be her in that poem..
i wish i cud be part of ur life..
i wish i cud share ur moments..
i wish i cud be the one who have great laughs with u..
i wish i cud be the one holding ur hands..
i wish i cud be the one u hug..
i wish i cud be the one u kiss..
and if u marry that person,
i wish i cud be that person..
i wish i cud be the 1st thing u see in the morning..
i wish i cud be the last thing u see before u sleep..
i wish i cud be the one who u give ur love to..

i never thought,
i wud like u,
to this extend...

i cant catch up...

have u guys ever....
felt so tired?
ur brains are dead?
ur body has decided to weaken up?
ur mind cant make decisions anymore?
u r at the edge if giving up,or maybe u have gave up?

its like,u r standing at the edge of a broken bridge,on top of a mountain,and below u is a never ending river,and just one more step,u will fall,from high above,into the river below,and that's when it all ends,all ur problems,ur tears,ur broken smiles,ur life,ur breath,ur relationships..everything..in just a split second..*poofff*..it all goes away..

that's me..
that's what i feel..
that's the simplest,best explanation i cud say about how i feel...

at this point of life,
i cant cope up with college..
this sem is so hard..
im just one body..
but they give me everything to do like i have 10 body..
its not easy..
i wonder,how can other's cope up..
then again,
everyone is different..
they r stronger,im weaker..
oh..i see...

well,yet,i still try..
i pray for the best..
i need the light from God..
to shine my path,
to lead me to the right way..

-the end-

DEJA-JEALOUS!!

jealousy...
taking over my body..
taking over my mind..

today,i went for my old highschool buddy's wedding..
she's my age..23..she got married today..im so happy for her..
and few weeks ago,my other highschool buddy got engaged..good for her too..

and me..
my frens asked me..'ko bila lak?'
all i said was,'nak ada bf pun takleh lagi,ni lak nak kawen/tunang'

its true..
im 23years old..
but..
my parents dont let me be in a relationship..
and,its also hard for me to have a guy friend..
hmmm....

oh,im tired of being nathra..

im getting paid just for doing online surveys!!seriously weh!!

OMG!!I EFFING LOVE U,TASHA!!!

i told tash,
that i sanggup jadi her kuli batak,
just for a ticket to Sunburst...

tash said,
ooo dah kluar dah yeah? okok nnt i kirim duit kang i masukkan..
and also...
takde acct kau. nnt i suruh dauz belikan... 143 murah gle..

wowww!!!!
seriously..tash's gonna belanja me ticket to sunburst!!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
aha aha...
woot woootttt!!!

to those who reads my blog!!!u r tagged!!

1. Name one person who make you laugh last night?
-NO FUCKING ONE...but animals,yes...

2.What were you doing at 0800?
-APPARENTLY,I WAS STILL IN LALA LAND..

3.What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
-DOING STUNTS WITH MY CATS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE..

4.What happened to you in 2006?
-WORKED IN TOPSHOP SINCE JAN TO JUN..THEN HAD THE TIME OF MY FUCKING LIFE FOR A MONTH(no parents for a month),WENT TO SINGAPORE WITH MY OWN FUCKING HARDWORK MONEY..THEN TASHA CAME BACK!THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME..OUH,I ALSO MET ZUL IN JULY..SO..YEAH..HMM...

5.What was the last thing you said out loud?
- "DAD,CLOSE THE CHICKEN COOP"

6.How many beverages did you have today?
-2GLASSES OF PLAIN WATER

7.What color is your hairbrush?
-PURPLE(yucks!)

8.Was was the last thing you paid for?
-PALLMALL MENTHOLS

9.Where were you last night?
-HOME..(im home all the time,major loser la..)

10. What color is your front door?
-BROWN

11.Where do you keep your change?
-WALLET OR MY CAR'S COIN BOX(for tolls)

12.What's the weather like today?
-I DONT KNOW..IM HIGH ON DRUGS..CANT FEEL WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE..

13.What's the best ice-cream flavor?
-IM NOT A BIG FAN OF ICECREAM..BUT,MCD HAS THE BEST STRAWBERRY SUNDAE SO FAR..

14.What excites you?
-MEETING PERN N NIX JUST TO TALK CRAP N LAUGH..SPYING ON DLGUY(b4 i dated him)..DOING THINGS MY PARENTS DONT LIKE ME TO DO..HURTING MY SELF BY PUNCHING/CUTTING MYSELF..

15.Do you want to cut your hair?
-NO..I WANT IT TO BE LONG..MAYBE LIKE PERN'S...I HAD SHORT HAIR TOOOOOO MANY TIMES BEFORE..

16. Are you over the age of 25?
-IM ONLY 23..

17.Do you talk a lot?
-APPARENTLY,I HAVE A MOLE BELOW MY LIPS..YEAH,I DO TALK ALOT!BUT ONLY WHEN IM OUTTA THE HOUSE(away from parents)

18.Do you watch the O.C?
-NO..TOO KIDDISH FOR ME I THINK..

19.Do you know anyone named steven?
-OMG OMG..YES..THE LECTURER IN TOA...HMMM...

20.Do you make up your own words?
-"chillax"??"mengong"??i dunno lah..im too high on drugs to be thinking right...

21. Are you a jealous person?
-VERY MUCH I THINK,BUT I DONT REALIZE IT??!!??HEHEHE..

22.Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'A'.
-A????HMMM...AHMED??HAHAHA...

23.Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'K'.
-K???I HATE HUMANS..NOT MUCH FRIENDS LA..

24. Who's the first person on your received call list?
-KHAIRUL(his name dont start with the letter K ok),(he's a guy whom ive been avoiding)

25.What does the last text message you received say?
- "GO LA MANDI,WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?"and something something else..too long..i 4got..and i deleted..

26. Do you chew on you straw?
-SOMETIMES..IF IT HAPPENS,MEANING NATHRA IS FEELING BORED ALREADY...

27.Do you have curly hair?
-HMM..YES..CURLY AND WAVY..ALMOST LIKE A TSUNAMI!!URGHH!!

28. Where's the next place you're going to?
-I DUNNO..I HAVENT SHOWER..MY HEAD IS TOO HIGH ON DRUGS(need to crash my bed),WANNA DO ASSIGNMENT BUT ILLUSTRATOR IS FUCKED(need pern's help tomoro),WANNA FINISH WATCHING ENTOURAGE SEASON4!!!

29.Who's the rudest person in your life?
- ME,MYSELF AND I??HAHAHA...I DUNNO..OH YEAH..THERE IS 2PEOPLE I VERY MUCH HATE,DOES THOSE COUNT?ITS LUTH AND FAREZ!HOPE THEY DIE IN THE WORST AND MOST TORTURING WAY!

30.What was the last thing you ate?
-RICE N CRAB..MOM COOKED..

31.Will you get married in the future?
- I DUNNO..WANT TO..WITH IED..BUT..IF IED DUMPS ME,I DONT KNOE THEN,I MIGHT CLOSE MY HEART FOREVER I THINK..BUT ANYWAY,ITS ALL IN GOD'S HANDS...

32. What's the best movie you've seen in the past 2 weeks?
-MARLEY AND ME..DAMN SAD WEH..I CRIED...HMMM...ALSO,SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE..HMM..

33.Is there anyone you like right now?
-LIKE?YES..ZAHIRIL ADZIM..I LIKE HIM SO MUCH!(wish to date him,but who the heck am i,rite?)..BUT IF U SAY LOVE...WELL..DEFINATELY MOHD IEDRUS...hehehe...

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
-TODAY...AT ABOUT 4...AFTER I ATE LUNCH..

35. Are you currently depressed?
-I GUESS SO..LOST,DEFINATELY..DEPRESSED?HMM..I THINK YES,COZ I NEED MORE CIGGIES ALL THE TIME!!!

36.Did you cry today?
-NOPE..

37.Why did you answer and post this?
-BECAUSE PERN TAGGED ME..and indirectly she did dare me with her sentence "like they are going to do la!dont think so,anyway..."I CANT TAKE THREATS/DARE!!HUHU..

38. Tag 1,2,3,4 or 5 people who would do this survey.
WELL..I DONT KNOW MUCH PEOPLE..BUT,CAN I JUST SAY,PEOPLE WHO READS MY BLOG,U R TAGGED!!OH I KNOW U KNOW ITS U!!!HAHAHA...
-christina
-zahiril adzim
-shafiq
-fazli razali

note:*high on drugs here mean,im on medication,im sick...