i shud have listen to her..

my mom once told me, that what is currently going on in my life right now will happen...
i should have listen...i should have...
no one knows how i feel right now...
yes,im so sad,so depressed,and i have other shit to handle too...
yet,i can still smile and laugh happily...
but here,in my four walls,i lock myself...i cut myself..i bleed myself..i hurt myself..

why the hell did we have to end up like this?

put all the blame on me...

yes,this is an angry post!!!no thinking involved...

dad blamed me..he said its because of my stupidity that the stray cat has been hanging around my place..
mom blamed me for the reason my sister date the loser..
mom blamed me for being a trouble in her life..
mom blamed me for the reason my sister broke up with sufyan..
the world blames me for being here in this world..
she blame me for breaking this up..
he blamed me for him turning into a playboy..
they blame me for failing..
andddddddd moreee fucking blamessssssssss............

FUCK ME RITE??!!im the one to blame!!!yes,dump allllllllllll ur blames on me...just throw it at me!!!coz it has alwaysssssssssssssssssssssssssssss been about me rite????

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

sajak hati

baru semalam aku rasa bersalah pada teman paling baikku,
harini, aku digemparkan lagi, aku baru tau, yang selama ini,teman yang ku anggap adik,telah menyimpan perasaannya dariku,
aku betul2 ingat semuanya telah selesai seketika dulu,
tapi,tak sangka,oh,baru ku ingat, aku ini bukan jenis berdendam...
adakah kerana dendam?
adakah kerana sayang?
adakah kerana sakit hati yang kemudiannya memakan diri dan menjadi benci dan meluat dan akhirnya bertukar menjadi dendam?

tapi,apa kamu tidak tahu,
katakan padaku,kalau ku tidak pernah memberitahumu tentang diriku?
apa tidak berkali2 ku telah berkata minta maaf dengan penuh ikhlas?

manusia melakukan kesilapan,manusia tetap akan melakukan kesilapan banyak kali..
aku ingat kamu telah pun melupakan kisah lama,kerana kamu sendiri berkata kita tidak akan bertengkar lagi,tapi kini...
sayang kerana ini terjadi..

aku tau kamu berperasaan,
aku juga berperasaan,
aku tau kamu terluka,
aku juga terluka,
mungkin benar keputusanmu,
aku tidak tahu,
aku takut untuk berkata apa,
kerana,
aku tau,apa saja yang aku kata,semuanya adalah salah.

tapi,tetap disini, ku ingin meminta maaf,kalau aku bisa mematikan tubuhku ini,supaya kamu dapat melupakannya,ku akan membuat begitu,(bukankah manusia selalu memaafkan orang yang telah mati?)

mungkin,jika ku fikirkan lagi,ku akan jatuh sakit.....

-sajak hati-
-written on 12th july 2009,spontaneously-

bullshitting 101~#4

well, today, 4th of july, something happened again, as usual...

imagine, ur father, scolded u, for no reason, because he was pissed at ur mother..
suck right?
its like, 'wtf,why do u have to let ur anger out at me?'
so i had a bad day..
i went to my aunt's, to teach my lil cousins arts, as usual, on a saturday(FOR THE $$$),
and,they were about to go out, they asked me out,
so,instead of being a teacher for today,
i followed them, and i had fun..weeeee~

and,ZOMG,my aunt was like 'so nathra,u have a boyfriend now izzit?'
and i said 'erkkkkk,no lahhh'
then she said 'i think u have one...just tell me laa,im cool'
and i still said no...
then at the parking lot,somehow,we were talking bout 'men and cartoonish like movies'
and she said 'corey(my cousin's bf) sure oso like it,how bout ur bf nathra?'
and i said 'no lah,puhhleaseeee,he's an inspector,he dont watch cartoons'
then she said 'ooo,so u got bf laaa??'
and i was like 'damnnnnn' in my heart...
hope she wont let the secret out to my mom..fuhh...scary...

well,see,i dont mind if my parents finds out i have a bf..its about time see..hehehe...
but,my parents,MY LOVELY PARENTS,they have these super high expectation,that i just cant CANT catch up with...
my mom once said 'nathra,u shud find a bf like pilot....'
see...hmmm...i dont care who my bf is,what he does,coz what's important is,am i happy?
i can marry a rich dude,but live another effing sad life right??
but what if,i marry a person,who's just a normal guy,but,i live a happy life with him?
after all,they are,still a person right?hmmmmmm....

ok,im stopping now...cant think anymore..wanna watch 'hotel for dogs' now..weeeeeeee~

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#3

yes yes,
in life,my pretty effing life,
i have hurt people,
i have hurt people badly,moderately and mildly...haha..
my words,can stab a person's heart..
well,im glad im good at that...
but to people that ive hurt,
maybe i didnt intentionally mean to hurt u?
or was it intentionally?
maybe there was time it was unintentionally and vice versa...
payback is a bitch...but,nathra,she aint a payback person(but she's a bitch,haha)...
see,no matter how much hurt she is,
she can never payback,
yet,she still hang in there...
its that relationship she appreciates,
therefore,she closes 1eye...
how bout the other eye?(wont it still be feeling the feeling of being poked?)
hmmm...
i was waiting for sorry from alot of people in my life...
i waited...but yet,its always me who have to apologize...
its always me who have to give in..
why can you give in?why??
take a mirror, place it in front of u, look at your self 1st, do u deserve an apology from me?

*so much anger in me...its all life experience shit, and u people is the one who gives me this experience...thanks alot bitches and asses!!!urghhh!!!you ugly fugly creatures that's always expecting an apology from me!!!realize your mistake 1st la..arghh...

*tiada kena mengena dengan yang hidup atau pun yang mati...

-xoxo-

let's all go naked...

"Let's all go naked, be ourselves, take out our masks, show our true selves"

ain't gonna happen, ain't it?

i don't think anyone could ever do that, just show your true self?hmmm...

to certain people, i can, to certain people, i can't show my true self...

but to most of the people, i put a fake happy mask everyday every time before i step out from a place called home...

why can't i just show the real me to the world?

why do i need to be fake?

or wait, maybe i am confused if i am happy, or if i am sad...hmmm...

-xoxo-

Shhh....

Silent night,
Peaceful night,
Shhhh,
Do you hear it?
Do you hear the sound of silent?
How amazing it is,
That the only sound I was hearing,
was coming from the crickets outside,
And the sound of my room fan,
And the sound of the cat's biscuit dropping as it slips from my cat's mouth,
Oh, I looked outside the window,
How dark it is,
But the street lights shines and brighten the earth,
No movements tonight,
Shhhh,
Silent night,
Peaceful night.

-written on 23rd June 2009-
-xoxo-

iedrus and his life as an inspector...

well,as some of u may have know,iedrus is this 22year old inspector who is so darn effing sexay in his uniform..ohh la laaaa...wkakakaka...

neway, i cannot get mad at him eventhough he promised to call me but didnt...i cannot get mad at him eventhough he said he will meet me but he didnt...i cannot get mad at him even if he promised to come on my bday day,but he didnt...i cannot get mad at him even if he was the cause of us getting lost in PJ...i just cant...see,somehow,i understand his job...i know he needs to sumbangkan bakti pada negara(yg bengong ni)...

i maybe cant get mad...but,i am sad...i am disappointed...sometimes i think,i waited for 7months(despite all the cheatings behind him),and now,i still gotta wait?he dont call me at all...and there's no way i can call him,coz he dont own a phone...sadis r...all i can do is stalk him,or crash pern's place(feel like im a bitch coz feel like im using her and i dont wanna use her)...so,due to feeling like that,i found a new way,just park my car a lil far from pern's house(so that pa dont see),and stalk my boyfriend...damn...nak bercinta pun payah...penuh keseksaan jer...

that day,i seriously asked iedrus,if he really love me,or was he just trying to get into my pants....he said...he loves me...then he asked me back,if i love him...i said yes..then he asked y i love him...and i said,'i dont know'...so funny la,y izzit people have to ask y we love them?see,being in love with a person,it doesnt have a reason...it is just when a heart,have locked on a target,and it is kept that way...ZOMG,1st time im saying that sentence..haha..

omg,im running from my title,aint i..haha...well,so yeah,iedrus,he's so bz...i understand his job,his duty...eventhough i dont show it...but in my heart,in my head,in my body and soul,i know that that is his responsibilities...but it wud be really nice,if he cud at least call me...right?hmmmm....

and the thinking goes on again.......

-xoxo-

27th june 2009

that day, turned out to be shit...
there are secrets that i wont let out that happened on that day...

laughing hard with nix,awesome laaa...and that night,sending her home,we did something we alwayssssssssss do....'BOOOOO' at people by the roadside,on the motobikes,and to those with their glasses down..hahahaha...

iedrus said he wud come meet me at mv,but he didnt come,but i didnt get mad at all bout that...i just cant...nix said,maybe because we understand each other,coz we know each other,coz we r both the youngest...hmm..maybe la...

this year, i didnt get to blow off 23 candles off the cake...i didnt get a cake...every other year,without fail,i always get my cake...maybe.......i shud have just stayed at home instead of going out...rite?then mum n dad wud have surprised me with a cake like they always do...hmmm...

*sad,tears in my eyes now*

-xoxo-