Crapping 101 #53 --> Full of crap...LOL~

Today, I'm feeling a little down.


I wish I could see him, get a hug from him, get a kiss from him, talk to him, one last time...


I miss him, his text messages, his calls, laughing with him, telling him shiet...Haih...How sad it is when things were fine, but there are unfair reasons just lingering around...


It took me 2 years to forget Ied before this... I wonder how long it's going to take for me to forget Mr. Sunshine...LMFAO~ 


Anyway, today is a very boring day. Woke up at 4 plus...Been doing nothing since then.. It feels like I have no brain or someshit like that...I think even Patrick the starfish has a better day than mine. HaHaHa...


Oh shiet..Suddenly, I'm wondering, how is he doing in Jakarta? Is he fine? Has he been eating well? Has he been taking care of his health? Has he been fucking around? Shiet...WTF? Why am I thinking about him. He quit on me. Ahh, enough Nathra, fuck it, forget!!


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #52 --> Head Count to how many men who check me out!!

So, recently, I have decided to do a head count, on how many people in Malaysia or in this world would find me attractive... Meaning, they would either check me out, or have the guts to approach me.


Last week, Thursday, there was 1 guy, who was actually checking me out. He was in his car, waiting for only God knows what. I'm not sure if he's chinese or malay. He was in a Viva. I walked from 7 Eleven at Convent Kajang school to my car. He watched me. I got in my car, started the engine, turned on the inner lights coz I was about to top up my phone. I looked at him, I noticed he was staring at me..After I topped up my phone, I turned off the lights, then I looked at him again, I saw him showing his phone to me, with the screen facing my direction, I guess that's his way of saying 'hey, whats ur number'...LMFAO~ He should have just be a man, got down of the car, and approached me. Anyway, that was the 1st guy.


Then, yesterday, I went to Cameron Highlands with Mom, Dad and Rini. There, 3 guys checked me out. Aha, yes, not 1, but 3!!! LOL~ Alright, this just means that my plan to be hot, is working! :) Being hot is not only just looking good (face) alright people, being hot means, you gotta walk proudly, gracefully, like you own the world, and dress up nice, have confidence, speak good English with accent...Damn, it's tough alright!! Anyway, all together, head count, 4 now...


Today, CNY lunch at cik P's home, as usual, this is the 4th year I go there, it is my culture now for CNYs. After lunch, went to meet cik R, at Bangsar. Went to do threading and face+neck bleaching again, shit, the lady did my eyebrow a little to thin..LOL~ Nevermind that. Then, me and cik R, went shopping, then chill at Coffee Bean & Tealeaf. While walking in Bangsar Village 2, there was a dude, he was old lah, I think around 40ish...He checked me out. LMFAO~ I was talking to cik R, telling her about living in New York, being hot, walking like we own the world...So I was walking straight, with chest out, with English accent..He saw me, he checked me out as he passed by me...LOL~ So, head count, 5 now!!!


5 people checked me out...Hmm...How many more to come? I guess we'll just wait and see.. Ngee Hee Hee.. I guess this break up is doing me good. Sad, but I'm hot now, so who cares? LMFAO~


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #51 --> Miss, miss, miss... :)

Alright.


I think I miss him. I wish I could replay 30th October - 11th December 2011 again and again. LMFAO~


It was nice having him calling me, texting me, skyping with me, staring at me, listening to me, smiling at me, laughing with me. Owh dear, I'm only me when I was with him. I felt so real and alive. :)


Oh those sweet memories. But, I guess, shit happens, you can never escape the shits of life right? LOL~


Kalau saja semua itu masih berlaku....


It's occay. I will get my feet back on the ground. But, I still will wait for him, even if it takes forever, even if he has moved on.


Lirikan matanya, telah terpahat di dada. Senyuman ikhlasnya, telah terbuku di hati. Ahh, rindunya aku dengan dia. :)


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #50 --> I wished the future never appeared in mind...

I have been asking myself a million times, do I actually want to marry him?


At 1st, the answer was YES, YES and YES...Then, been thinking so deep, I did not had a single thought about marriage for the first time in my life while I was in a relationship. I never even thought I would have dated him. So I guess, my answer would be a NO. I don't know who the fuck he is, how can I say I want to marry him. I guess, my intention was just to love, be loved, but, not marriage. Basically, what I'm saying here is, I just wanted to be in a relationship with him. Nothing more than that.


I was driving back alone from my grandmother's house. This thought came to mind. Therefore, I'm blogging it here.


Been thinking so deep. He acts like he's all mature, but no, he's actually not. Hey, I'm not saying I am. LOL~ He acts like he's all tough, but no, he's actually not. Maybe what I have been writing in my blog, made him, and a lot of people think, that I would want to marry him. Maybe it freaked him out. Hey, I'll never know.


Anyway, after thinking and those thoughts came to my mind, next thing I know, I was already in Kajang, passing by Kajang Church, I just thought about him. And I felt sad, to be honest, I felt like fuck, I think I miss him. And wish that I could tell him that all I wanted was just a relationship from him.


But what the fuck, what's done is done. All we can do is not to think back, or even look at the future, but look at life now, and live the life. Ahaks, if that was so easy to be done, I wouldn't have had a blog in the first place right? LOL~


u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #49 --> It finally hits my farking brain..

The long drive home, traffic jam.


I managed to ask Dad a question. The intention was to try to understand Mr. Sunshine's decision on the break up.


ME : Dad, when you marry Mom, were you scared? About religion.


The first thing he replied.


DAD : That's why I dated Mom for 7 years. To ensure that I love her, to ensure that I understand and learn about the religion and culture.


Wow. He really did love her. He said, a guy who really loves you, would do anything for you, even die for you. I guess what he meant was, if a guy really loves me, he would take a bullet for me straight in his heart. Meaning, if someone were to shoot me, the guy would be willing to jump in front of me so the bullet would hit him, instead of me.


I guess, in Dad's case, he did not quit the relationship. He really knew what he was signing up for. He took the challenge. He really did love Mom. He also said, if a girl is willing to do anything for a guy, that's no use, the marriage would not last long.


That just put sense in my head. I guess, Mr. Sunshine did love me, but he did not love me till the extend that he would die for me. I guess, there's just no use in being together. I'm going to move on. Yet, deep in my heart, I know, I still wish he would have love me to the extend of doing anything for me, I still wish he did not quit on me, I still wish he is the one whom I will wake up to every day for the rest of my life. After all, he even moved on now, he's happy wherever on earth he is, he doesn't even care a single shiet about me, so, why should I suffer right? :) After all, if he really loved me, he would still wont have the heart to look at any girls, fuck any girls, he would have still want to know about me, he would have still called me, misses me, love me, he would still keep in contact with me.


After the talk with Dad, I changed my decision, a man must be willing to jump in front of the bullet for me. I'm not going to do anything for a guy anymore. Fuck that shiet. If a guy really had balls, he must do anything for me.


I'm glad Dad did not quit on Mom. I'm glad he took 7 years to date her, to know that he really loves her, and to convert. I'm glad he is my father. And I'm farking glad I had that talk with Dad.


Mr. Sunshine is my true love I guess, cause I was willing to do anything for him, but he may not be the one I will end up with. True love only come once, but it doesn't mean that they will be the one you'll end up with. Sometimes, even a couple who's married for 30 years, they would still be thinking of 'Hey, I once had a real true love, but it did not happen.'


Anyway, Mr. Sunshine, if you read this, note this dear, you will always be my true love. I will always have a place for you in my heart, in my life. But, if you are not willing to take a bullet for me, I guess your decision was right. Thank you, for ending it now, than ending it later. I guess you were right all along, when you said you did not want us to get hurt later. I guess you blocking me on facebook was the right thing to do after all. It is helping me, eventhough I still do love you and miss you, and do hope you'll come back. But, I guess, I owe you an apology, and a thank you. I hope, one day, we will meet, and would laugh about the past.


Oh Oh, I'm going to start a head count, on how many guys out there, who tries to woo me, who's attracted to me... Just for fun. Hey, I'm still holding on to my words, I don't think I want to get married. ;) Too many things I have seen and learn from marriages. Enough. Too scary. I think the only perfect one I have seen so far is, erm, Mr. Sunshine's parents. Alright, goodbye marriage, hello to the new Nathra!!


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #48 --> 19.01.2012 Updates...

Today, 19.01.2012.


Apuchi's 1 year death prayer. I went, at about 11ish. Saw her picture, then realized how much I misses her. And how things were different for last deepavali and the coming deepavalis. No more waking up in the morning to go to see Apuchi on each deepavali. No more visiting her. No more smelling her smell. :(


Then, while at the prayer, Mom told me Nenek is not well. She started hallucinating and stuff. Seeing the dead. She's already in between reality and the other world. Just like Apuchi before she died. So we went and visit Nenek after the prayer. She was just lying on the bed, as usual, bedridden. I felt like crying looking at her like that. If she dies too, that's it, I won't have any grandmother anymore. As it is, I have never met my grandfathers, they died before I was born. It's gonna be so weird again for each Hari Raya. But, part of me feels like it's best that she goes away. She's suffering so much, just sleeping all day, no movement. Hmm. :(


Then, on the way back, I drove, Dad sat at the passenger seat. The long traffic jam given me a chance to talk to Dad, privately. Update on the next blog.


Btw, last night, I slept, I woke up suddenly, hearing my own voice, calling my name twice 'Nathra, Nathra.' FARKING SCARY OCCAY!!! Ngee~


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #47 --> 18.01.2012 Update

Alright.


So I went to Seremban, to meet Dr. R. Walking in the psychiatry department was a little weird for me, felt like I was a crazy girl, checking in an asylum by myself. HaHaHa.


I was prescribed with medication. Hurmp~ Dr. R gave me 'Fluoxetine' and sleeping pills 'T. Lorazepam'.. He said 'Fluoxetine' will make me happy all the time. Muahahahaha, just what I need! Let's see whether it will make me happy.


Anyway, googled this drug, got the answers to it.


Q1 : Why do I need this medicine?
A1 : Fluovex is used to treat depression.

It can also be used to treat anxiety disorders such as panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or an eating disorder known as bulimia nervosa.

Fluovex may also be used together with other medicines to treat other depressive conditions as decided by your doctor.

Fluovex belongs to a group of antidepressants known as Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs).

Q2 : What side effects would I experience?

A2 : Fluovex may make you drowsy or dizzy. If you are affected, do not drive or take part in any activity in which you need to be alert.

Common side effects of Fluovex include headache, abnormal dreams, loss of appetite, anxiety, weakness, diarrhoea, dry mouth, indigestion, flu, difficulty sleeping, tiredness, loss of sex drive, nausea, nervousness, sore throat, rash, sweating, tremors and hot flushes.

Alert your doctor if any of these side effects are severe or refuse to go away.

Other side effects are less common but may need medical help. Alert your doctor if you develop any of these symptoms:
- hallucinations
- unusual restlessness and the inability to rest or sit still
- agitation or extreme, unexplained excitement (non-stop talking, moving or gesticulating)
- very fast, irregular or pounding heartbeat
- difficulty breathing
- severe muscle spasm or stiffness

*SHIT!!!LOSS OF SEX DRIVE??!! LMFAO~

Q3 : Are there any restriction to the type of food I can take?

A3 : Avoid alcohol. Alcohol, even in small amounts, can worsen the drowsiness caused by Fluovex. It can also affect your reaction time and make it unsafe for you to drive or take part in activities in which you need to be alert.

*GOOD, GONNA QUIT DRINKING ANYWAYS!

So, those are the 3 main important questions on my head..Ngeee~

Hope I wont have those side effects!!! Scary....

Anyways, that's all bout the update on 18th January 2012... ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #46 --> The rules and updates on me...

Let me start by saying this. This country is not fair eh. The rules are crap.


Next, I'm going to say, life is unfair too.


If they were to allow inter-religion marriages, no one would feel so pain, and everyone would be happy. Well, everyone has their own faith to hold on to, even if they married another race, if they still believe in what they believe in, so what? Even if they converted just for formality sake, and still believe in their own faith, so what? Other countries allow all these, which I think is awesome. Can I be there please!! Haihh..


Life...Why is there such thing as being scared? Why is there such thing as being daring? Haihh.. Can't everything be mutual, the same? That say 'If you love someone, learn to let that person go', it's so bloody unfair. What's the point of loving someone, if you have to let go? Just the same with what's the point, of starting something beautiful, then, because of things happening around you, you quit that something beautiful, for someone else's sake, not for your own sake. Hmm.


But alright, I'm starting to accept the facts. I'm starting to move on, trying to put a smile on my face, but it seems so fake. I hate being fake. I'm only me when I'm with him. But I guess this is reality, you love someone so much, and at one point, you just got to let go. Reality is a bitch. A real pain in the ass. Nevermind, time will heal me. But yeap, I'm not going to love anymore, couldn't care about it anymore. I just know, there's only one person I love, that I will wait for till eternity. I know it is stupid, but he was the best. He was just too special, too perfect. But, I also wish the best for him in everything.


Life goes on, yes. I will do the things that I have always wanted to do all these while. For a start, loose weight and go gothic. I want to be like that girl Abby on CSI. ZOMG, she has always made me amazed, she inspires me. Then, I'm going to make sure I own a scrambler bike, go for rally races. Owh, awesomeness. I would make people amazed by my appearance. Find a job I would love working in. Find my true self, cause he whom I love and can never stop loving, inspires me to see wonders ahead of me.


I can never hate him, in fact, I'm actually blessed to have had him in my life before, because of him, I'm changing, I have the courage to change. He made me want to look good, he made me want to dress like a girl, he made me want to loose weight, he made me see wonders of life. So, thank you, YOU. And because of him, I'm also blessed to have great friends. Because of him, I knew what love was, eventhough I know it's impossible to see it ever again, what I saw in his eyes, and the love I saw that his parents have for each other, Wow, I'm blessed.


Gee, I'm actually smiling while writing all these. The memories, makes me happy. The flashbacks, makes me happy. Yes, there are times when I would feel so sad, feel so unfair, but, reality check, that's life eh. We just got to be strong and face it.


Alright, tomorrow, my appointment with the psychologist is at 8.30 a.m. I'm scared to go, but I'm looking forward to finding out what it will be like. Like a friend said, sometimes, we would listen to a person who wears a white coat, who tells us things in a way that we can understand. Hope he would help me, and I hope by meeting this doctor, I would help myself :)


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #45 --> Fikirkan sejenak teman-temanku, hidup ini sangat aneh.

Hidup ini sangat aneh.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa ada orang yang amat membenci diri kita. Di mana titik permulaan kesalahan kita, bolehkah di undurkan semula kesalahan itu? Setiap orang, pasti boleh mendapat keampunan dari orang yang membenci. Semua orang berhak menerima peluang kedua.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa ada orang yang amat mencintai diri kita. Padahal, kita tidak sehebat mana pun. Bukan harta dan kekayaan yang dicari, tapi, kesucian di dalam hati yang di nilai. Tanya, kenapa cinta dia amat suci dan ikhlas terhadap diri kita? Kenapa dia tidak boleh melupakan kita? Haruskah aku mencuba sekali lagi, memberi peluang kepadanya? Tanya diri anda semua itu. Sekali lagi, setiap manusia berhak menerima peluang kedua.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa diri kita amat menyintai seseorang itu. Memang dia tidak memiliki harta, tidak memiliki rupa sekacak Brad Pitt, tapi, hatinya amat murni, dan matanya hanya menunjukkan cinta ikhlas. Kelakuannya, tutur katanya, cara dia membawa diri, cara dia menghormati, mungkin kerana semua itu, kita tidak dapat melupakan seseorang itu sehingga ke akhir hayat.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa ada orang yang sanggup berkorban apa sahaja untuk kita. Keluarga, agama, anak-anak yang dicintainya, hidupnya. Tanya pada diri, betulkah begitu suci, murni dan ikhlas cintanya terhadap diri kita? Bolehkah dia menjadi ibu/bapa kepada anak kita? Kalau sudah sanggup di korbankan segalanya, telah difikir panjang oleh dirinya, memang, dia boleh menjadi isteri/suami kepada diri anda. Kerana, cinta sejati itu bermaksud, mereka yang sanggup melakukan apa sahaja, demi menyelamatkan suatu hubungan, demi untuk membahagiakan kita.

Setiap orang berhak menerima peluang kedua dalam hidup. Ujian memang akan terus datang dan tidak akan pernah meninggalkan kita. Semua itu, hanya untuk menguji kekuatan mental dan fizikal diri kita. Menguji kecekalan diri kita. Menguji sedalam mana keikhlasan diri kita. Menguji kesedaran diri kita.

Fikirkan sejenak teman-temanku. Jadilah manusia yang sentiasa memberi peluang kepada orang yang lain, kerana itu akan menjadikan diri kita hebat dan dipandang tinggi oleh masyarakat.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Dear You... #2

Dear you,


I just have to write this down. Sorry.


I can't seem to get you out of my mind. I just miss you too much. I wish you'd meet me, so I could just shake you off and tell you that I fucking love and miss you so much! But I also wish I could turn back time, so I could undo the mistake I did, the one that made you hated me so badly. Now, not only I lost you as the one I love, but even lost you as a friend.


I'm going to let go of my ego, and admit this.


Yes, I am madly deeply in love with you. Yes, I am willing to wait for you till the day I die. Yes, I'm loosing my mind not having you around. Yes, you mean the world to me. Yes, I would be there for you, through every single thing that you'd go through. Yes, I would take the pain for you, I would take your sadness away. Yes, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Yes, I want to know every single thing about you.


My heart says, don't let go, you're too perfect. You are my drug, you are my weed, you are my alcohol, you are my everything.


Please soften your heart, please forgive me, please come back, please be with me, please make me happy.


I still stand on my grounds, where I am willing to sacrifice everything I have just to be with you. I will never ask you to change anything about you.


I miss you and I love you.


Sincerely,
-Nathra ND-

Dear You...

Dear You,

I know, I had made the biggest mistake, and I know, you hate me so much that you might even want to kill me. All I could say is, I'm really sorry. I wish I can undo what I have done, so I could still be friends with you. My hard headed head, has caused everything to be wrong. But hey, I have to say this. So hear me and listen. Since you left, 12th December 2011, I have been feeling so empty, so lifeless, so down. I miss the whole you so much, your smell, the way your eyes shine, your voice, your smile, it made my heart calm. Now, I want you to know, that I will always be there for you, no matter what happens, I will always stand tall by you and that you can always count on me. I will wait for you, even if it kills me, I will wait for you till the end of my life. 

My heart has a tattoo of your name in it.

Sincerely,

-Nathra ND-

Crapping 101 #44 --> The perfect song that speaks my heart...

Perfect song to speak for my heart ;P for Mr. Sunshine...


"There You'll Be"

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me


[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be


Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me


[Repeat chorus]


'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always


[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be

Crapping 101 #43 --> Updates on life... :)

So here I go again, talking about shiets that has happened in my life.


That is why my blog's URL is called haunted-in-sadness...


1st, let me talk about someone. My once upon a time Mr. Sunshine.
Yeap, no one could replace him, no one can show me love like he did in his eyes, no one could do the things he did while we were together. It is fucking sad that he left, what more, he hates me now. Maybe this is for his own good. I'm hazardous, to me, and to him. I'm a virus. LOL. Anyways, yes, I'm slowly healing, but he is still on my mind, I still cry myself to sleep, I still feel his presence around, I still see his eyes and smile, I still see a picture of me with him, I still keep his messages. But one day, I will be able to forget him, yet, know that I once had the best boyfriend anyone could ever have. Oh, I miss Tiger, feel like kidnapping him. LMFAO~


2nd, some may have known about how I have given up on life when I was 15. The other day, I went to the doctor, I finally had the guts to talk to the doctor about myself. He said, he is actually a psychology doctor. WOW. It was like God had sent him to save me. He said, I am having a mild depression. I might need to be on medication for about 2 years. Fuck scary! But, I haven't been hallucinating much, so, I might still be able to cure without medication. Wednesday, I have an appointment with him in Seremban Hospital. Readers, being depressed, having to meet a psychiatrist, does not make a person crazy. What more, just because I was dyingly fighting to get Mr. Sunshine back, does not make me crazy (YOU dont have the fucking rights to say 'sorry to say, but youre going crazy' Fuck You, coz you made me be this ugly monster I am now!) I'm now anxiously waiting for Wednesday, I wonder what will happen. It's scary, but apparently, since the break up, I have been engaging myself with scary and dangerous things, it makes my adrenaline rushes like crazy, it's a little addictive occay! LOL.


3rd, I have called both my sisters to go with me to Jakarta in February. So, I might be going there, Jakarta Pusat, far from Mr. Sunshine, good. Going to meet my Om Efan there, he's good in seeing things, so, got a lot of things to find out from him. I wonder why every time I ask him when I will get married, he never answers. But when my sister or cousin ask, he answers. Does it mean that I won't get married? Hmm. Talking about marriage, yesterday, I told my mom, that I won't be getting married, so, she should not expect a son in law from me. She just shut. I hope she understands, that I'm done with men. I can't seem to trust men anymore. 


4th, I have been looking for a job like crazy in Jakarta South, but can't seem to get one. Nevermind, I think, I'm going to apply in Malaysia first, as a back up, but still look for a job in Jakarta, or Australia. I just need to go away. Praying hard that I will get a job, also, been praying hard for Mr. Sunshine (how stupid).


Anyways, these are the updates in life. It will be occay. Life is a tough one, but the challenges, makes me a stronger person.

" The climb is a tough one, but the view up there is awesome!"

Anyways,


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.- 

Crapping 101 #42 --> It has to stop. Sorry Mr. Sunshine.

I had to admit this to my faithful readers.


I have became so stupid, so blind, so dumb, so annoying since he left.


How stupid was I to kept fighting for it, and worst of all, I lost him as a friend. I was so blinded by love, could not see what I was doing. I was so dumb to have kept pushing, kept going off limits. I was so annoying, I made him got annoyed.


Sudahlah Nathra. Enough is enough. Put a full stop to it. Concentrate on changing pathetic self, concentrate of achieving your dreams of being a photographer with national geographic and to own a Hummer H2 (black with silver chrome)! 


Put him far away, like you have never met him on the 29th October 2011. For all I know, I liked him when I was 14, and that is it. I never dated him, never met him, never felt his skin, never kissed him, never seen eye to eye with him!


Instead of telling him to try to make it work, Nathra, you are the one who SHOULD try to forget him! Biar makan dalam sekalipun, you can do it. Anggap sahaja macam ex-ex kau yang dulu, yang dilupakan begitu sahaja. Find a goal, find something to do, make your self busy! Spend more time with your babies!!


:)


Step one to changing, loose him from my life, completely!
Step two to changing, GROW UP! Be matured.


WOOT WOOT~


Sorry Mr. Sunshine. I was being a fool and so childish. There is another Mr. Sunshine out there, even more perfect than you, even better than you. And you will find someone who would be better than me too :)


One day, we would meet up, and would laugh about how foolish I was. But I would know, God once sent me the best boyfriend ever, the one who made me saw love. Thank you Mr.Sunshine...


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #41 --> OH CRAP!!!

HOLY FUCK!!!


What did I do??!!


I got blocked!!!!!!!!!


Dari hujung rambut, ampunkan aku!!!!


FUCKKKK!!!!!

Crapping 101 #40 --> 20 things to be done to change by 27th June 2012!!

This is it. My list of what needs to be done to change to myself.

1) Work out like crazy, must loose tonnes of weight by 27th June 2012! This means, eat less too!!
2) Quit drinking if possible!
3) Cut down on doshing!
4) Do dangerous shiet that seemed to be so scary all these while! All those adventurous stuff. For a start, follow Tash for that whitewater rafting shiet! 
5) Believe and keep believing! Make it happen!
6) Change yourself, be a positive person! Don't put negative before positive all the time!
7) GROW UP! Be matured enough to take care of yourself!
8) Start taking up responsibilities, work hard and work smart! Rajinkan diri!!
9) Start socializing again! Be that awesome person you were once upon a time ago! You can do it! It will bring back your confidence!
10) Keep your hair long!!! Don't ever cut it again, unless it's just trimming! Keep it brown, with low lights strands!
11) Learn to wake up early on weekdays! Don't be late for work again! And don't skip work again PLEASE!
12) Start back on photography!!
13) Have faith in yourself!! Always believe that you can do it! Trust yourself before you trust others!
14) LOVE YOURSELF MORE, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!
15) Learn to take care of yourself! Be independent!
16) Once you loose all those fats, go for castings, go for modelling auditions!!
17) Start being a girl, but don't loose that gangster in you!
18) STOP BEING A COWARD! If you have something to say, just say! Don't be scared of life! Life is too short to be a coward!
19) Stop whining, stop crying!
20) GET THAT THING YOU WANT SO BADLY! GET IT BACK! WIN IT BACK! 

You can do it Nathra!! You can!! I know you can and you will... People will see you and say 'damn, whos that rocking chic?' Muahahaha... People who dumped you will regret dumping you!!


This is your future! Live it, love it, do it, practice it! All for your own good!! Pain is nothing! What you will gain out of it, is SOMETHING you'd treasure all your life!


Let's start from now onwards!! WOOT WOOT~

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #39 --> Letter for you...

Dear you,


Sometime I wonder, did you date me because you really did like me, or because you just wanted to use me. Sometimes I wonder, did you really mean everything you have said to me? Those text messages, those times on skype, those calls made...Did you mean it all? Most of all, I wonder, did you really mean it when you say that you love me, or did those words just did not mean anything and you did it just to satisfy me? I mean, seriously, to think about it, if a person really did love someone, they would do anything to save the relationship. They wont think about the future TOO SOON, cause we'll never know who we will end up marrying someday. Did you really mean it when you said 'why not' to my question of 'do you even want to marry me?' or was it that you were just too drunk?


I was so stupid right? To have not seen it all. You know what pisses me off the most, that 1st time we chill together, just you and I, on the hill, at the tokong, I asked why do you think about me. I thought you knew the inner me, the one that no one else know, not even my parents, you said people always use me. And geee, you did use me too. Right?


I just wanted a relationship out of you, not a promise of the future. Yes, I was madly deeply in love with you, that I wrote a lot of crap on my blog too. Maybe you did read my blog, or maybe your friends read it, and told you about it. It has a title called 'crapping101' for a reason you know...


Now, I wonder, when I whisper your name here, alone, can you hear it? When my heart cries longing for those moments of being in a relationship with you, those skypes, those text messages, etc., can you hear it cry? I wonder, when I miss you so badly, do you feel it too?


I'm not going crazy, I did not go crazy, I'd never go crazy for a guy. I'm starting to accept the fact that you choose to miss out on a huge deal, I don't loose anything, you're the one who's missing out something. But hey, nevermind. Break ups usually teaches me a lot, and I have known a lot about you from that. I don't wish for anything bad for you, but, I'd like to wish you best of luck in life. And remember, in future, don't break a girls heart. Maybe you have a plan of breaking all girls heart because of your past, or maybe you did not have intentions like that, but instead, you thought it would be alright, till you realize that I was falling deeply with you. Yes, I was falling deeply with you, but not as deep as you may have imagine. If I were to get hurt so bad, like you kept saying 'i dont want you to be hurt even worst later on', well, you're totally wrong, because, hey, I'm doing SO GREAT here. And next time, don't waste time. Alright? Imagine if someone did that to your sister, or your mother, wouldn't you kill those people who hurt them? If I had a brother, I think you'd be dead by now. HaHa. Luckily, I don't have brothers. Anyway, with or without you, life goes on no matter how shitty it would be. And heck, since you left, I don't even have a single scar on my hands, AWESOMENESS! HaHaHa.


But yes, I have to admit this, I do miss you, I do wish you'd just come back and be in a relationship with me, I do wish you'd miss me and love me still (ala, kan u said u'd always be there for me, and breaking up was not easy for you too, eventhough you seem to be doing SUPERFINE, HaHaHa), I do wish we were still together like normal.


Ahh, nevermind, nevermind...Life goes on with or without you in it. Plus, I never needed a man to make life happen anyways. Was single for a year plus, almost 2, before I met you anyways, was doing great only. Now, I will concentrate on loosing SO MUCH WEIGHT, and am going to try to be a model, and an awesome photographer. After all, my dreams is to work with National Geographic as a photographer and have a HUMMER before I die. So, I will concentrate on achieving that! :)


Hope you will take good care of your self, always remember what I have told you, that health comes 1st before work, don't smoke too much if you're drinking, always remember to call your parents. I wish you all the best in life.


P/S: Remember, I will, love you all my life, I will still hope that you'd come back, and that I will always be there for you no matter what. You can always count on me. Unless you're just using me. LOL~


*no hard feelings aite...


Anyways,


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #38 --> 7 Things I hate and love about YOU!

This song, I could really sing it a million times to you. Like seriously, a million times, and never get bored of it!


"7 Things" by Miley Cyrus

I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we've shared

It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
But nothing's ever gonna change until you hear, my dear

The 7 things I hate about you

[Chorus:]
The 7 things I hate about you (oh you)
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends they're jerks
And when you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

It's awkward and silent
As I wait for you to say
But what I need to hear now
Is your sincere apology
And when you mean it, I'll believe it
If you text it, I'll delete it
Let's be clear
Oh I'm not coming back
You're taking 7 steps here

[Chorus]

And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention
The 7 that I like

The 7 things I like about you
Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
And when we kiss, I'm hypnotized
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined everything's alright
I want to be
With the one I know
And the 7th thing I like the most that you do
You make me love you
You do (oh)

Now, that's her version of 7 things. This is mine. Here goes nothing, ala, it's not like you read my blog anyways...LMFAO~

7 Things I hate about you:

- You're lame, your games, you're insecure!

- You love me, but how far true was that?

- You can make me so happy, but you can make me so sad too!

- I hate how I can't tell whether you're telling the truth or you're telling lies.

- You're a runner. In life, problems will always appear!

- You never share your problems, you keep too much, you hide things.

- You made me saw love, you made me love you!

Aha, there are also 7 things I love about you:

- Your smile, your eyes, your smell

- When we kiss, I'm hypnotized

- How you showed me love

- You're smartness, you're stupidity, your gangsterness and your perfectness

- You're parents, your life

- When we're intertwined, everything is alright

- You made me love you.

Yeap...Those are the 7 things I hate and love about you. Blergh, it's not like you're gonna read this anyways.. It's not like all these matters anymore anyways...So, whatever lah..

Anyways,

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #37 --> No one, messes with Nathra!!

Ha Ha...


Well...Readers, do good in life, and you get it back in return. Do shit in life, you'll get shit back in return. Karma. Don't under estimate the power of it. Beware. Don't toy around with it.


And, most of all, don't mess around with Nathra, even to each member of my family. I may look stupid, I may act dumb, I may be a kid, but, the power in me, don't under estimate it. You'll get a nice one in return. The fire has started, and it's spreading real bad. Beware is all I can say. Like I always tell everyone, "no one, messes with me." 


Just a reminder to all you readers, don't do shit to me...You don't want to end up pretty bad :)


Anyways,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-