bullshitting 101~#45 - Changes

While you were in college, or currently in college, have you ever question yourself,after 2years of studying -> 'Why the eff am I doing this course?' or maybe realized 'Oh shoots, I have lost my interest in this course'? 

Well I have..It took me 2 years of being in a design college, 7 years of loving arts and design..I realized, I just suck bigtime at designing, and the thought of loving arts and design, oh well, it went kapooosshhh,straight into the drain, drain of doom, coz it wasnt arts and design that I actually loved, but, it was actually, arts and crafts...

I decided to carry on anywayz..Coz, recently, if you have read my earlier post, you would realize that I was suppose to tell my parents that I wanna quit. But I didnt. =) This is my war, I cant back out now. So, Im gonna fight eventhough I get bruises, cuts, shots and bombed.

But, it's confirmed, that Im gonna fail again definately, this semester. It's confirmed that I will fail Advance Advertising Visual. There's a reason to that. Then, there's Corporate Identity 2, which the lecturer has been rejecting my work all out. This friday is the last day, final project presentation/submition. Last week, last critique, he said that I should repeat, and for the 1st time in my life, I said 'I will consider it, but, I have 1more week, I will still try to do my best.' and WOW, that feeling after that, I was proud of myself. Just like how I avoided those men who wanted to come over when my parents was gone, I knew something bad would happen if they came, I stand out for myself. WOW, i didnt feel cheap for the 1st time, that time. =) 

Is this my change? Is this being matured?

And yesterday, after chatting on MSN with Ms.S, who advised me to talk to my parents, I talked to my dad. I told him that I was gonna fail. And, I felt like crying at that time, coz I felt so relieved letting it out from my heart. I told him everything, in such a short time, I think bout 10mins. Haha. But now, the hard part, he said 'u need to tell mommy'...Aiyooo...That's hard. So, am gonna wait till my result comes, then tell. Unless, dad tells mom 1st..haha.

Newayz, Im actually loving this change in me..It made me a better person. And I hope this change last a lil longer that the last change I had. Better yet, last forever! Haha.

And, Im actually surviving without men. That's a first. Hahaha. I love being single. But that doesnt mean, Im not opening my eyes looking for a future husband. LOL~ But, Im not like before, not desperate in wanting to have a boyfriend. I mean, that's good right? Hmmm...

Well, I also realized that my blog, has become somewhat a 'diary' now..hmmm..before this, it was more like a poet's page, then, a place where i write things that hits the reader's minds, and now, this bullshitting post, has become more like a diary thingy. LMAO~

Newayz, I hope you enjoyed reading. =)

Peace out.

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#44 - recent update...

Well well...it's been,ermm,God knows how long, since my break up...

WOW!!!

It's been a week, I completely stopped texting him or calling him or YMing him...LOL...I finally forgotten him..I have no feelings towards him already...Im so so thankful that he broke up with me...Im more stable now..I can live properly now..I come home early everyday...So, Mr.M, THANK YOU SO MUCH...=D Im do glad that it is all over...And that I did it, I moved on with my life...And, because of you, you changed me..I have no feelings towards love anymore, Im not some desperate girl wanting a boyfriend anymore...Thank you..That's all I can say to you...And thank you for letting me feel once, what it feels like being in a real relationship...You wasnt bad to me, you treated me well, like a princess..Love and treat your future wife more than you loved me ok...=)

Well, my next trip of life, Im done fishing for boyfriends...It's time to fish for a husband...Well readers, I aint getting younger aite, Im getting older day by day, soon, in June, I will be 24...;)

Well, this tuesday, will be the last day of me living alone...Two weeks alone, it has been a great test from God..But Im glad I made it through...Im glad God lead me to the right way...And wow, no men was brought home while mom and dad was gone...Fuh, Im so amazed..I should totally give a pat on my shoulder..LOLz...

Newayz, that's the latest update readers...Got to go now...House cleaning time...b4 mom and dad come home...If not, geezzz, you wouldnt guess how noisy it will be if the house is dirty...haha...Take care readers...=D

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#43 - Song of the day...05032010

 The chosen song for today is by Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone....I chose it coz, im already gone..LMAO~

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone 

 yeap..so, this is the song of today...that is,for me la..haha...=D

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#42 - moha,im in love with you...LOL~

I have a friend, his name is Moha...I love him so much...Im sooo sooo in love with him.....Gosh, he's a nice guy...He helped me alot!!Im so glad that it was faith that brought us together..LOL~

Dont get me wrong ok readers...All that i have said, is as a friend..hahaha...

We can never know who will be our husband, or for the men, who will be their wife...or shud i say, wifes...hahahaha...

But Moha, if u read this, i want u to know, i really love you and appreciate you being my friend...=D im so so glad that i got a chance to know you...Love you buddy!!!

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#41 - single for 2 weeks and 1 day..

*wishing so badly that MR.M wud read this post!!!but dont get me wrong Mr.M, i dont regret, not even a lil tiny bit, that i know u in my life...im glad i did actually!!!=D *

Well well, what do we know, its been 2 weeks and 1 day ive been single..and i thank God very much, coz im fully recovered..Thanks to those friends who has been supporting me too..And thanks to my inner self, i did it, i have put him outta my mind, i dont love mr.M anymore, i dont miss mr.M anymore too...But i dont hate him actually, i really wish to thank him face to face, for letting me go, and, most of all, for being in my life and taught me so much, and for making me feel how it feels like being in a real relationship...Wow, it was an amazing feeling, it was an amazing experience, it was an adventure...Thank you so much Mr.M...we can be close friends like he wanted b4, but i dont know if he wants it anymore, haha, but, not now, just a while more...

oh yeah,enuff of mr.m storie...lets talk about Iedrus..if u guys have been following my blog, i was in love previously with mr.iedrus the sexay policeman...haha...gosh, 2weeks being single made me realize, i was obsessed over mr. m bcoz of the feel, but then, i fail to see, that i still miss mr.iedrus...gosh...even on CNY day, i went to miss P's house with mr.m, but my heart beats fast going there, wishing to see at least a glance of mr.iedrus..i was even looking up to his window...and miss P, told me yesterday, that apparently, he saw me, he heard my effing loud voice, and he saw me...OMG, does this mean, im still in his heart? or at least, he misses me? coz if he didnt give a damn, why look right?hmm..but he saw me with mr.m...haihhh...

anywayz...i told miss P to help me keep myself to stay single for 3 years...unless, its mr.iedrus coming back to my life, OR, if its a hot sexay white guy!!!hahahaha...so,hope this wish wud come true...coz, i actually promised myself to stay single b4, but then, mr.m came into my life..haha..but now, i hope to be single...3 years...lets all pray for me that i will make it, to be single for 3 years, unless mr.iedrus or a hot sexay white guy appear...AMIN...:)

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

1st April 2010

Omg, how could I forget to tell the most important part of today...

Last night, at d back of my ears, I felt pain, then i touched, felt like a round ball (thought it was a bone jutting out)...

Today, while presentation, I still felt pain, even till i got home after class. the pain is like,hmm,how do i say it in english,hmm,its berdenyut denyut la..haha..So i asked my neighbour, if her son(Dr. B, whom i adore very much,d best doctor ever!!!) is working, she said yes. Neighbour aunty is a very kind person. She then straight called her son and told him that im going to the clinic today. Awww...

Cut the story short.

I went to see Dr.B today..Well, he said the swell behind my ear is the limb, its swelling most prob coz of my throat. So he prescribe me antibiotics and pain killers for that..

Then I told him, I might be having anxiety, but im not sure, then i explained to him that im having sleeping and eating disorder, feeling very tired,blablabla...1st he checked my blood presure,u know,using that strap on thing then they press and press this air ball thingy,and that strap becomes tighter and tighter,gosh i love that.haha.well,he said blood presure is normal. Then he checked my pulse, on my right hand, he said its a lil fast, normal people wud have 52-60, but mine is 70...hmmm...then he checked my heartbeat, he said heartbeat is normal. he also asked if i have any fast heartbeat when i wake up or anytime, i said i do hyperventilate sometimes... So he said that i have a lil anxiety goin on.maybe due to stress or not enuff rest. hack,of course la, the finals, the break up, the knowing im not gonna go to US to study, the study-breakdown,ALL AT ONE TIME, how can i not be stress?!?haha...So anywayz, he gave me sleeping pills..

Then i told him, that 2 people told me that having moles coming up, alot, in a short time, might because of cancer..I also told him that i have like bout 4 / 5 moles that came up in 3 months. he asked me where, i said at my leg, mostly, that i can see of...he said nahhh,that's not cancer. that might be skin having some problems( or something like that la he said.....not sure..haha..) i didnt hear much bcoz my heart was quite relieved knowing i might not have cancer...fuhhh...can live a lil peacefully now..haha...

So yeah...then i went out...usually, i didnt have to pay...but this time, damn, rm25 gone...dad is sooo gonna kill me..harharhardyharhar ( new kinda laugh)...

newayz, i better take my pills and sleep now...its already 1.27am...nyteynite readers...

u know u love me, 

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#40 - something written down on 23rd March 2010

From this break up, I learned something,

Something so precious, to be kept in mind,

Something that no one will ever tell me..

That is, to never fall in the hands of love, ANYMORE!

I also learned that, love will always come with the word pain. They are best of friends. This is what Miss N told me.Haha.

Never trust a man! Never trust the three letter word said by a man - ' I  Love You'. Also, never let your heart be controlled by the word love,NEVER!!

But, it's gonna be quite hard to do this, but i will have to mati-matian try it! I need a change. I have to change myself. But from what I know, I already hated love, all along, grew up hating love. Haha.

And as for Mr.M, he's the biggest coward i've ever known. I was all in for this challenge, then he backed out. Like as if it wasnt hard for me to let go of the person I love? Like as if I wasnt scared of whether I will even find a nice guy like him who gave me a real relationship? Like it wasnt easy for him because he has everything planned out for him? Geezzz!!!

Now, who's happily laughing away being free, free to flirt, free to have intimate relationship with anyone, free of looking at girls, free from being chased down by his stupid use to be gf(me), free from everything, AND, see who is the one suffering the pain....I regret much of adding him on fb!!If only I could turn back time..If only...

But hey, look on the bright side, maybe meeting him in my life was the reason to 'everything happens for a reason'...because if i didnt fall in love so deep with him: 

• I wouldnt stop flirting around like a cheap bitch.
• I wouldnt have felt what it is like to be in a REAL relationship.
• I wouldnt have felt love.
• I wouldnt have stop looking around at men, b4 this, i had 'eye magnet to men'..LOL
• I wouldnt have know few good friends.
• I wouldnt have felt a real guy, with a real sincere heart.
• I wouldnt have known about the lake at Heritage,LOL.
• I wouldnt have watched - gray's anatomy season 6, entourage season 5, and so much more...:)
• I wouldnt have felt the feeling of having a husband.
• I wouldnt have felt the feeling like 'secretly married to a guy,no one knows about it,but every morning crawl into bed with him.
• I wouldnt have felt what it feels like seeing him the 1st thing in the morning when i opened my eyes, and seeing him the last thing at night before i close my eyes.
• I wouldnt know what sex is all about.
• I wouldnt have felt what it feels like having a boyfriend who pays for almost everything..
• Most of all, I WOULDNT HAVE FELT, HIS LOVE. 

Still, till today, after deciding to let him go from my life, after all the pain i went through, somehow, thinking bout him, still makes me smile.. 


u know u love me,
x.o.x.o.

~PoemTime~

~The Magic Beneath~
-written on the 22nd of March 2010-
*it was written on a Monday, third day after the breakup. I was inspired by the lake I was hanging out at, at the apartment, at Seri Kembangan.*

The lake, the peaceful water,
It dances slowly, gracefully,
The smell of the lake,
Oh how it excites me.

The sun shines on the water,
How beautiful it is,
It's more heart warming than a diamond,
This is it,
The home of many water creatures,
But here I am,
Wondering, pondering alone,
Is there more than the water creatures?
Perhaps a wonderland, beneath the calm waters,
Perhaps a party underwater,
Perhaps a mermaid land,
Perhaps, a magical underwater, yet haven't been touched,
Secretly hiding, smiling happily to be unfound,
Oh, what if they are looking at me?
I should then be at my best look, yes, I should!
And I can, I already felt magic.

~The Call From The Lake~
-written on 22nd of March 2010-

I hear my name being called,
They are calling me,
Softly, soft voices almost a whisper,
"Nathra, Nathra, Come join us"

This is it, I thought,
My chance to be happy and free,
Gracefully swimming side by side with them,
No more thinking to do, no more worrying,
Just be me, wild and free.

But then came a strong wind,
Along with the thunder,
Waking me from my daze,
Realizing me of reality,
"I can't," I answered softly,
"This is my world, this is my choice,
My life is here, I belong on land." 

Then I heard, soft cries,
The nature begin to sound,
The crows begin crowing badly, repeatedly,
But they understood, my choice.


But I know and they know,
My heart will always be with them, 
I am, their warrior, their saviour,
I vow my life to them.

~I am, me~
-written on the 22nd of March 2010-

This is it, this is me,
Im lucky,
Im lucky to own this perfectly good pair of eyes,
To see how beautiful the nature is,
How beautiful the sky and clouds are.
Im lucky to own this perfectly good ears,
To hear the sound of nature,
The sound of birds, the sound of water.
Im lucky to own this perfectly good senses,
To feel the beauty of nature,
The beauty of life.


And I saw, the evil me,
Waving goodbye,
Her part is done, and, I won,
I won my destiny,
I choose to let it be,
I choose to be happy,
All along, I thought others influenced me,
But now, I woke up,
From the 24 years of dreaming.


It's all in my hands,
It's only me who can change my destiny,
It's a new day, it's a new hope,
I am, me.


u kno u love me,
x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#39 - 01.04.2010

~1st.APRIL.2010

Today, I didn't text or call him at all..I have to be strong and move on in life...Move away from him...1st step is to stop texting or calling him!!And I keep telling myself "Nathra,you are a strong independent women, you can do it, you can let him go from your life!!!" But who said I cant post songs for him here right? Like he always say, "LOL" ....

So, today's pick, is Sean Paul feat. Jay Z - Do You Remember?

I've been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn't have to live we could start again...
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back...
(Yo Jay Sing for these ladies!)...
So long since you've been missing
It's good to see you again
How you how you doing
And how about we don't let this happen again...
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Jay Sean Do You Remember
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)...
Yo ay girl yo bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun
When I was still your number one
Well it might seem far-fetched baby girl but it can't be done
I've got this feeling fire blazing and it's hot just like the sun
Know you feel it too my girl just freeze up may the good vibes run ...
Girl take a sip of the champange take a lil trip down my lane my girl
While you noe every night you'll feel alright look I tell you dis girl atta My world
Dont change imma na Rearange Ay girl imma tell you straight dis atta my world
How many years do you want come kiss dis I know you miss this
That's what I heard that's what I heard that's what I heard word girl ...

There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Oh)
Let's bring it back....

And from the Ronan Keating's - Stay, I love this lines...

Why dont u stay, 

im down on my knees, 

Im so tired of being lonely, 

Dont I give you what u need?

Will try to update everyday aite...

p/s: "Happy Aprilfool Day everyone...Happy being fooled!!" - no,i hate to be fooled and i dont fool people..

u kno u love me, 

x.o.x.o.