bullshitting 101~#54 It's all about me, me and me!!

Let's see, where do I start...

Oh...

Note. Please take cautious precausion when you befriend Nathra. LOL~

BEWARE: I am damn complicated!! I'm smart, yet stupid. I'm ugly, yet cute. I'm always happy, yet sad inside. I'm not weird, I'm just unique, and I love being me. I'm straight, yet crooked. I'm a lover, yet a hater. I'm sane, yet insane. I'm rough and tough, yet soft and sensitive. There's only 2 choices for y'all to pick, either L.O.V.E. M.e. or G.e.t. t.h.e. e.f.f. o.u.t. o.f. m.y. l.i.f.e. Thank you.

 

I'm a person who puts on a fake smiling mask before I leave my house everyday.
I'm never perfect, I've never wished to be perfect, but I wanted things to be perfect.
I never liked money, I hated it. But yet, I still need to hang on them for survival. DAMN.
I have the potential to be a serial killer and a tiger/cat(basically,animals).
To me, the highest respected creature in this world and in life is ANIMALS!

Love is a STUPID thing! It's just a waste of time. But then again, maybe that's only for me, not for others,LOL. Ive been through enough shiets with men. I'm done with love. Maybe yes, I want to love, but, I have a feeling that men are just gonna poach it again and again. So,buhbye!!LOL~
Im not weird, Im just unique. Friends say that I'm very random, yes, I am, but I dont give a damn if you like it or not. LMAO~

Everything is gonna be about me and only me because I have build a thick strong brick wall around me, no intruders allowed. But, should there come a prince who is strong enough to break it, heck, I'm willing to open up :)

 

What I hate most? Well....

I hate liars.

I hate cheaters.

I hate heartbreakers.

I hate exboyfriends(LOL).

I hate fuckers.

I hate money.

I hate men/people who have no guts to come tell me straight if they got a problem with me.

I hate men who can't speak English, at all. URGH!Such a turn off.

I hate men/people who keep bringing themselves down ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Hellooo, be positive la!

I hate men wearing slippers when out on a date with me. It's like, you dress up nice, you look so good, but suddenly, when Im checking you out from top to bottom, the bottom part would just kill everything, slippers??haha..

I hate those who hates animals.

I hate obeying rules. I live my own rules occay!

I hate when people tell me what to do.

Basically, I'm a hater. LMAO..

I'm born a leader. I like to lead. It's a natural instinct that comes automatically when needed. You got problem with me, you come tell me straight to my face. I can read people's personality, people's body language, but, I would just shut about it, because I like it when they tell the truth, even though I already know the truth. haha. To me, yeah, truth hurts, knowing things hurts, but heck, if you don't tell me, how the fuck am I going to know the truth, and try to do something about it, right? haha..Plus, I'm tough as hell, so come on, spill!!hahaha...

This post is very random ya? LOL..Well, it is clearly writen on the title, all about me..hahaha...Pity you guys who has to suffer to read this, but, so? Is it writen on my face that I care? hahaha..Omg, I miss using that line so much..haha...

p/s: The guy I like? hmm...I don't know. I'm really scared. Plus, does he like me back? I don't think so lah. Hmm.. Maybe it was just a kiss? Anyway, the wall is still up high, no one broken it yet. So, whatever lah. haha. But damn, do you know how it feels like, liking someone so much, seeing a future with the person, but then, the person is not into you? And, do you know how it feels like, liking a lot of people, but always being rejected? LMAO~ To hell with love. RAISE A GLASS WITH ME!!hahaha...

 

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#53

Sometimes,

I just wonder what life means.

Sometimes,

I wonder what love is for.

Sometimes,

I wonder what it feels like to know all that.

This was written because of dad. Yes, my dad.

Something he said, made me sad.

Then, I thought to myself,

Why did he changed?

Why did I changed?

Why did mom changed?

Why did Tash changed?

Why did Nadz changed?

Why did we all change? Why?

Why did life became so hard as soon as we step into adulthood?

Why does family pretend to be happy, but not admitting their true feelings?

Money.

You killed us all.

You took happiness away.

As long as I live,Im going to hate you.

Lost.

That's what I'm feeling.

Not knowing what's going to happen next.

I hate waiting, why make me wait?

Sometimes,

I wish I don't know what feelings is.

Most of the time,

Im praying I don't have feelings.

Numb.

That's what I want to feel.

Wind.

Bring my sadness away.

Take my worries away.

Take my questions away.

I wish to be on a hill,

where it's all green,

filled with little flowers,

Oh how beautiful that feeling would be.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

~PoemTime#2~

Yesterday,Today,Tomorrow II

20th September-01October2010

Yesterday,

I was foolish, I was stupid,

I wasted time like it didn't mean anything,

I screwed up big time.

Yesterday,

I only thought of playing, I was rebellious,

I choose to be in my own world,

But I wasn't the person I was today.

Today,

I'm changing bit by bit,

I may not be fully matured,

But I wasn't all what I was yesterday.

Today, I have a dream to achieve,

I have a goal to reach,

And I am certain to score by tomorrow.

Tomorrow,

I will be better than what I was today,

I won't be stupid and fooling around like yesterday,

Everything will change,

And goals of today will be achieved.

Tomorrow,

Frowns will all be turned upside down,

I would be on top of the world, smiling,

I will be proud of myself,

And I could stand tall and say

"I made it, through it all".

Untitled

01October2010

Darkness,

That was all she could see.

Cold,

That was all she could feel.

Her cries and screams was all meaningless,

It was swollowed by the wind.

Love,

It was all she needs.

Calm,

It was all she wanted to feel.

Deep, rough, scary voice of the wind,

It was all she could hear.

'Is this the end', she asked.

Silence, was all there was.

Stuck in the dark,

She was to scared to move,

Not knowing what was ahead,

She curled in,

Holds her body tight,

She puts her head down,

Praying to die.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#52 Mr.M...

Who knew 4th November 2010 would be a lucky day.

I met someone,Mr.M.. The story goes like this...

It was his birthday. I wrote a post on his wall. Then we chat at facebook. I read his info, and I loved his bio. LOL. So we talked and talked,blablabla, we ended up continuing chatting on YM. I never felt so fun talking to a person before,honestly. Then he said he was gonna go to pyramid the next day(4th November la), so we planned to meet up. It was a 'blind date' kononnya. But damn, he bailed on me!!LOL~ but he has to work, so, understandable..:) Then two days after that(6th November), i texted him, so we planned on lunch, at MCD Bangi, but he had to go to Ikea with his mom. Understandable,family comes 1st. :) Then that night, we were suppose to hang out, but he lost his wallet(clumsy boy!!LOL), so the plan got cancelled again. It's ok, understandable too...:) Then, 7th November, we finally went according to plan, well, since Im always broke, he lost his wallet, and I hate public, so we hang out at the hill in Kajang. We sat there from 6+pm till 10pm, WOW, but it was amazing, especially sitting with him up there, talking, laughing, and watching crackers popping everywhere, and not forgetting, the weather was PERFECT that day!! He's amazing. He's who he is, just like from the chatbox. :) Well,usually, guys I meet, they are not at all like what they say,LOL...

Then, mom called(damn,if not,cud hang out longer with him,LOL) so I had to leave. I drove to 7e to get my dosh, then sent him back to his car where he parked. So, we were saying bye and stuff, and suddenly he just kissed me on my cheeks. That moment, I just can't explain the feelings, but OHMIGOSH, it was amazing. but I was shocked too at the same time. I really think my heart did stop for like 5seconds then(LMAO), then, I thought he was gonna go, but, he kissed my cheeks again..Seriously woo, guys wud usually go for the lips straight, but he didnt, he didnt cross the line, that's one amazing thing about him. AND OMG, HE HAS FUCKING SOFT HANDS,wow!hahaha..It was so sweet. That moment, was just again, WOW..

Anyway, the main thing I wanna say is actually, I think Im scared. Im scared to love. shiett right?hmmm...Im scared, that when I give my heart, it would be broken again. I don't want a boyfriend, i want a husband. Hmmm..But, to get the husband, we gotta go thru the boyfie process right?hmm..damn..But, anyway, it's still so bloody new. If he's really the one, like how my heart feels(opps,kantoi..LMAO), I hope it goes well. Coz if it's not, Im gonna soo not give a damn about love and feelings anymore. Penat weh...hahaha...

But, why is he on my mind alot? Damn...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

p/s: Im in love with this song now, I think this song goes to him.. ;)

Miranda Cosgrove - Kissin you

Sparks fly it’s like electricity
I might die, when I forget how to breath
You get closer and there’s no where in this world I’d rather be
Time stops like everything around me is frozen
And that the night is the thieves
Few moments when you open my mind to things I’ve never seen

Cuz when I’m kissing you my senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place you’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away when I’m kissing you
When I’m kissing you it all starts making sense
And all the questions I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
How clear it becomes when I’m kissing you

Past loves they never got really far
Walls of pictures I’ve got in my heart
And I promise I wouldn’t do this
Till I knew it was right for me
But no one, no guy that I met before
Could make me feel so right and secure
And have you noticed I loose my focus
And the world around me disappears

Cuz when I’m kissing you my senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place you’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away when I’m kissing you
When I’m kissing you it all starts making sense
And all the questions I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
How clear it becomes when I’m kissing you

I’ve never felt nothing like this
You’re making me open up
No point in even trying to fight this
It kinda feels like it’s love

Cuz when I’m kissing you my senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place you’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away when I’m kissing you
When I’m kissing you it all starts making sense
And all the questions I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
How clear it becomes when I’m kissing you

<3

bullshitting 101~#51 Lost another baby....

Life is just one fucked up shit, don't you all think so?

Well, if you have read my previous post, you'd know that i've lost a baby in June 2010,a day after my 24th birthday.

On 17th September 2010, I lost another baby, Soxy. She just vanished too, just like Rasta. Yeah, it's like double the cut on Nathra's heart. Nathra had 7 lives, now just 5.

Why is it just too damn hard? I have nothing, I gave my happiness away. I lived like shiet. I accepted everything. But the only one damn thing that gave me strength to carry on living, why did You have to take it away from me?

bullshitting 101~#50 - Note to my lost baby,Rasta.

*Belaian Jiwa*

Rasta a.k.a. chacha my baby,Seindah tiada lagi kau ku ingatkan,Sayang kau hilang,Menanti biar sampai akhir hayat ku di dunia ini,Kau tahu bertapa ku sayang padamu,Hanya bidadari sebagai ganti(bidadar pun xdpt gantikan mu),Hanya takdir menentukan ia,Oh belaian jiwa.Sayang,kembalilah padaku,ku rindu belaianmu,ku harap,kita akan bersama,selamanya.

My note to her is a prayer.

It's been too long,and I cant seem to let you go. I prayed every night for you to be back again. I prayed that I would see you by my window again, and each time I turn and look at the window, my heart would beat so fast, feeling like you would pop up. 28th June 2010, I wish I didn't wake up that morning, I wish I didn't let you out that morning, I wish I didn't have to go do my assignment. 27th June 2010, that was the last night I slept with you, the last day i heard your meow, the last day I lay my head on your body,feeling your heartbeat, the last day I hand fed u, the last day I talked to you. The last day, I lived. Now, I'm incomplete. And I still cry myself to sleep every night, I still pray so hard wishing I would get to do things with you again. No one would understand, why I went crazy just loosing my babies which apparently is cats. But Rasta, I lived since I was 15 because of you and the rest. You guys make me complete. If you guys weren't here,i would have ended my life. Now, you're gone. But when all of you leave me, I will leave too, I will end my life too because I kept living for you all. I love you Rasta. The memories, they haunt me all the time. And I cant seem to let you go. Just wait awhile more, I know, We will all be a perfect lil family again, in our own private world.

 *Oh how I miss my lil baby so much. How she would pretend to sleep in my arms when I stroke her. How she sleeps on my tummy, and when I laugh, the vibration from the laugh would make her growl. How loving she was. Oh God, please let me meet her real soon. I would trade my life in, just to see her again, just to get her back, in our perfect little family which is so not perfect without her anymore. 

u know u love me,

~x.o.x.o.~

bullshitting 101~#49 - August 2010 Update..

Well, hello again readers.

Im gonna talk about all the happenings in my life since the last post.

So, here are the updates...

1) My Birthday, 27th June 2010, will hopefully be the last birthday I will ever celebrate. Why? Well, here's the whole story to it. That day, I went to a pet exhibition in MidValley. I don't remember when the last time I actually felt happiness. It hit my head that day, that my love for animals, is just too strong, and that I want to do something for animals, so ive decided to be an animal activist..wee~ Anywayz, on that particular day, I bought soft food for my 7cats...And I hand fed them that night..They were so obidient to listen to me asking them to wait for their turn..But who knew, that would be the last day I would see one of my baby,Rasta... :'( Yes, she got stolen the next day. The day I wasnt home, coz I was at the zoo doing my shoots for my college assignment. But I really curse the person who stole my baby..I curse them to have 7 different sickness, all together at once, for 7 bloody cursed generations. Till I get my baby back!And I aint giving up on finding her!!

2) So as I was enjoying my happy single life, but missing my 2 exes of mine, I've realized I have no love left in me. I think I've officially closed my heart to love. OMG...Scary..LOL...So, one of my ex, MR.S has a new love, i hope he'll be happy with her coz he wasnt happy with me,right?lol...but i mean good, i hope he'd be happy..:) and as MR I...Damn i think im STILL not over him..LOL...I miss ied so much..I wonder if he's happy..hmm..But wait, on chinese new year, when i visited cik P ( ied's neighbour), apparently, cik P told me that he looked at the window when he heard my voice. And he saw me with a new bf(ex now,LOL)..What does that mean? As far as I know, Men has this so called 'dont care,dont give a damn' attitude rite? So why did he looked if he was suppose to have forgotten about me?hmmm...What do you all think?

3) Well, I recently felt like Im such a nuisance to my parents, I feel like Im such a disappointment to them. And Im such a trouble for them. Im just a waste of money. ermm, i think that's about it for this topic...hmm..

4) OMG, I can't believe Im about to go into my 3rd year Last sem...OMG OMG OMG ZOMG!! Seriously? I always thought I was gonna be a huge dropout..LOL...I guess, I am strong after all right? Wow...Even though Im not good at what I do, But im still proud of myself coz after all that whining about bla bla bla, I actually made it thru yawww...LMAO~ Unbelievable, but soooo true...WOW!

So, that's a lil bit about my latest updates....

p/s: Im sick of fishing for boyfriends, it's time for the real thing, I need a husband, someone who would respect and understand me, accept me the way i am, support me, care for me, give me strength, wont give up on me, love me, and most of all, always be my lover even after 50 years of marriage..:)

That's about it yeah...Hope to find time to blog again...

you kno you love me,

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#48-song for my family and note for Tash.

The song of the day today:

"When We Die" by Bowling For Soup
Well, I know that it's early
And it's too hard to think
And the broken empty bottles
Are reminder in the sink
But I thought that I should tell you
If it's not to late to say
I could put back all the pieces,
They just might not fit the same

Nothing's worth losing
Especially the chance to make it right

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes
Are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

Well, I know it's been years now,
And I don't look the same
And the hopes and dreams you had for me
You thought went down the drain.
And the room feels so empty
where my pictures used to be
And I can't say that I blame you,
But you can't blame me

Cuz nothing's worth losing
Especially the chance to make it right

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

Come over
Come over

Cause I gotta know,
If I am doing this all on my own

Come over
Come over

How can I show you if you're not here

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes
Are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes
are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

 

Today, 8th June 2010.

I wrote on my sister's facebook wall. I kept it too long, I had to burst it out. Ive realized, no one is gonna acknowledge me anyways, so, I should just shut and keep it inside. Let me hurt, let me burn myself, but, I dont want anyone else to feel what I feel, its just too painful.

I wrote:

for the f*** of my satisfaction, i cant do this, i had to say it...
"I miss those moments we had, those free life we had, nothing to worry situation, that only one day i had being with just u(the day ur alien in ur toe went away,we went to abudhabi mall), those singing and dancing days, those sitting on bed watching mov...ie day,those goin crazy finding for the stupid kaleido baju day, those getting to look at u everysinglebloodydayafterloosingUfor4bloodyeffingyearsandnowlostyouagain days, those hugs, those waves, your voice, ur bloody annoying always moody days(lol),most of all, i miss you."
goodbye.  

owh,also,those doshing moments, those lying down in ur bed when u're at work and i was crying hard not believing im finally seeing u after ages and nothing or no one was getting in my way of just being with u(i kno,sounds effing lesbo,but i aint it ok!),camwhoring,walking and holding ur hands(just like how i use to hold ur hands when we walked in kajang...)
The reason why i just cant stop from feeling all this, coz u were the one who actually cared for me since i was small.u were like a mom to me.u nurtured me.u let me sleep on ur thighs all the way when we were in thailand.u took care of me.i guess,all im trying to say is, thank u.

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#48-Read and Shut It Up!!

Dear Readers,

Specifically, sisters, cousins, aunty or uncle...

1) I'M SUPER DUPER PISSED AT YOU WHO CANT SEEM TO SHUT AFTER READING!GO FUCK YOURSELF BITCH!!(whoever you are)

2) THANKS TO YOU, YOU JUST MADE MY RELATIONSHIP LEVEL WITH MY FATHER, SUPER LOW!!!

3) MAYBE YOU THINK IT WOULD ACTUALLY MAKE HIM REALIZE, WELL GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WRONG. IT BACK FIRES BACK TO ME YOU BITCH!

Dear those who reads my blog,

I write, I trust.

Wow, never once, I expected some effed up related person to me, would read and tell my father that I wrote a post bout my father. What a fucking bitch you are.

You,

My blog is my only bestfriend in my world. Even relatives ditch me, what more sisters or so called friends. Im all alone in this world. Yes, sounds pathetic, but I pray no one ever go through what I've been through. I can only write things in my blog. To me, I should share some personal stories to the world, so it would be a lesson to others, and to let others know that there are such things that happens in this world. But wow, I never expected you(whoever motherfucking bitch you are) to go and report bout this to my dad. Ya, why don't you go report that I wrote a special mother fucking story for you and that I called you a mother fucking bitch?!

Gosh,how stupeed can you be? 

But if you are my sister, and you are trying to pay back to what I've done,CONGRATULATION! Im one step to disowning my family. So there, you can go live happily ever after with your so called 'family'!!

But if you are my other sister, why, why do you have to report?Why on earth have I done to you? I kept all your secrets all these while, but you keep breaking mine...

But if you are my cousin, what the fuck weh? I dont bother you, why you gotta come into my already effed up life and make it even more effed up?

But if you are my uncle or aunty, gosh, geez, thanks alot for being one hell of a great aunt/uncle.

To you(whoever you are), seriously, I totally blame you, for making my percent of love towards my father, way low...Its like the SIMS2 game, where there is a relationship level % thingy, ya, mine just reached, 20% or 30%...Thank u..seriously..THANKFUCKYOU!!

I CURSE THOSE WHO READ MY BLOG AND CANT SHUT...I CURSE YOU!I NOW PRAY THAT YOU'D GO THROUGH THE SAME FUCKING SHIT I GO THROUGH.I CURSE YOU TO HAVE A LIFE LIKE MINE!b1tCh.

p/s: sorry dear readers who don't go telling my family bout my sacred blog. =) sorry. this post is totally not for you, IF you are not the one. ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#47-Imagine again

Let's play imagine game again.

Dear readers, 

Have you had someone you love close to you, but they are not actually close to you? You lived with your family, but, it feels like they are strangers? Calling someone 'mom' or 'dad', but, they don't actually act as one? Imagine, it's always wrong time to have a talk with them. Imagine, he or she always doesnt have time for you, but have time for others. And even if you asked them for help, they complain to much just to help you with a simple task? Imagine having to miss the person who use to shower you with so much love and care and attention, but one day, he or she just changed and don't seem to have time for you anymore...Well yes, time changes people, but, I didnt know time changes parents. Then one day, you realize that you don't see your father as a father anymore, you see him as a bank, just for school money, or as a private home tutor, cause he's good in alot of stuff..Have you felt all that? Maybe some of you actually did felt that before...But some of you might don't even know what is a father, or never even felt a father's love. Well, at least, that is way better than receiving and loving a person, then suddenly, that person just don't seem to have time for you anymore. 

I have felt it. I am going through it. Ive never realized it, but today, there was an incident that made me realize bout it. And I told my self, "OMG, I don't know who that man is anymore, he's just a person I go to for school money, and for help on some study stuff"..The incident that occured today, few hours ago, has really test my patience. I almost shouted at them.I almost felt like killing them. But, while going through that incident, talking to myself, tears was just dancing in my eye, waiting to flow down my skin like a river's flow..Next moment, I found myself in my room, praying for God to give me all the strength I need to face this test, this incident. And thank God, He helped me go through that anger moment. And now, here I am, sharing you what happens in the world of today.

Dear parents of the world, do not, ever, stop giving attention to your child..Eventhough they have gone matured, they are still a human being. Humans love receiving attention. Realizing or not, all of us somehow, in different situation, in different types of matters, we all love the attention..And never put others 1st. Your child is the seed of you.Growing up moments, they need you the most. Do not ever tell them to quiet and go away when they come to you while you're watching some stupid politics news.I swear, I curse the effing politic system!And also, give and take with your child. They help you when you asked them for help eventhough they do make those 'lizard noises'...

Dear Dad, I wished I didnt loose you to time. I wish you were still the same you, who used to have all the time in the world for me. I wished all this didnt happen. Most of all, I wished that you realized all these...

Now, Imagine...

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#46 - 15.05.2010 update

Well well,

Where do I begin this...hmm...OHH...

So, in the previous post, I said that I was gonna fail right?

Well, apparently, I only failed the one subject I know I wanted to fail =) but the other one, I passed..But I did consider retaking...So I registered..

Then suddenly, my dad said that he has no money for the retake fees..So I had to drop it..but hey, I proceed to the next semester ok...haha..But, I hope I can do it and score well this time..Pity mommy n daddy...hmmm...

So far, that's all I can update for now..

Oh, BTW, YES, I AM STILL SINGLE ok!!hahaha...trying to be single la..sick of love..it's like a meditation moment ok..hahaha...

ok then...keep checking for more updates aite..will try to update always...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#45 - Changes

While you were in college, or currently in college, have you ever question yourself,after 2years of studying -> 'Why the eff am I doing this course?' or maybe realized 'Oh shoots, I have lost my interest in this course'? 

Well I have..It took me 2 years of being in a design college, 7 years of loving arts and design..I realized, I just suck bigtime at designing, and the thought of loving arts and design, oh well, it went kapooosshhh,straight into the drain, drain of doom, coz it wasnt arts and design that I actually loved, but, it was actually, arts and crafts...

I decided to carry on anywayz..Coz, recently, if you have read my earlier post, you would realize that I was suppose to tell my parents that I wanna quit. But I didnt. =) This is my war, I cant back out now. So, Im gonna fight eventhough I get bruises, cuts, shots and bombed.

But, it's confirmed, that Im gonna fail again definately, this semester. It's confirmed that I will fail Advance Advertising Visual. There's a reason to that. Then, there's Corporate Identity 2, which the lecturer has been rejecting my work all out. This friday is the last day, final project presentation/submition. Last week, last critique, he said that I should repeat, and for the 1st time in my life, I said 'I will consider it, but, I have 1more week, I will still try to do my best.' and WOW, that feeling after that, I was proud of myself. Just like how I avoided those men who wanted to come over when my parents was gone, I knew something bad would happen if they came, I stand out for myself. WOW, i didnt feel cheap for the 1st time, that time. =) 

Is this my change? Is this being matured?

And yesterday, after chatting on MSN with Ms.S, who advised me to talk to my parents, I talked to my dad. I told him that I was gonna fail. And, I felt like crying at that time, coz I felt so relieved letting it out from my heart. I told him everything, in such a short time, I think bout 10mins. Haha. But now, the hard part, he said 'u need to tell mommy'...Aiyooo...That's hard. So, am gonna wait till my result comes, then tell. Unless, dad tells mom 1st..haha.

Newayz, Im actually loving this change in me..It made me a better person. And I hope this change last a lil longer that the last change I had. Better yet, last forever! Haha.

And, Im actually surviving without men. That's a first. Hahaha. I love being single. But that doesnt mean, Im not opening my eyes looking for a future husband. LOL~ But, Im not like before, not desperate in wanting to have a boyfriend. I mean, that's good right? Hmmm...

Well, I also realized that my blog, has become somewhat a 'diary' now..hmmm..before this, it was more like a poet's page, then, a place where i write things that hits the reader's minds, and now, this bullshitting post, has become more like a diary thingy. LMAO~

Newayz, I hope you enjoyed reading. =)

Peace out.

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#44 - recent update...

Well well...it's been,ermm,God knows how long, since my break up...

WOW!!!

It's been a week, I completely stopped texting him or calling him or YMing him...LOL...I finally forgotten him..I have no feelings towards him already...Im so so thankful that he broke up with me...Im more stable now..I can live properly now..I come home early everyday...So, Mr.M, THANK YOU SO MUCH...=D Im do glad that it is all over...And that I did it, I moved on with my life...And, because of you, you changed me..I have no feelings towards love anymore, Im not some desperate girl wanting a boyfriend anymore...Thank you..That's all I can say to you...And thank you for letting me feel once, what it feels like being in a real relationship...You wasnt bad to me, you treated me well, like a princess..Love and treat your future wife more than you loved me ok...=)

Well, my next trip of life, Im done fishing for boyfriends...It's time to fish for a husband...Well readers, I aint getting younger aite, Im getting older day by day, soon, in June, I will be 24...;)

Well, this tuesday, will be the last day of me living alone...Two weeks alone, it has been a great test from God..But Im glad I made it through...Im glad God lead me to the right way...And wow, no men was brought home while mom and dad was gone...Fuh, Im so amazed..I should totally give a pat on my shoulder..LOLz...

Newayz, that's the latest update readers...Got to go now...House cleaning time...b4 mom and dad come home...If not, geezzz, you wouldnt guess how noisy it will be if the house is dirty...haha...Take care readers...=D

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#43 - Song of the day...05032010

 The chosen song for today is by Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone....I chose it coz, im already gone..LMAO~

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone 

 yeap..so, this is the song of today...that is,for me la..haha...=D

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#42 - moha,im in love with you...LOL~

I have a friend, his name is Moha...I love him so much...Im sooo sooo in love with him.....Gosh, he's a nice guy...He helped me alot!!Im so glad that it was faith that brought us together..LOL~

Dont get me wrong ok readers...All that i have said, is as a friend..hahaha...

We can never know who will be our husband, or for the men, who will be their wife...or shud i say, wifes...hahahaha...

But Moha, if u read this, i want u to know, i really love you and appreciate you being my friend...=D im so so glad that i got a chance to know you...Love you buddy!!!

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#41 - single for 2 weeks and 1 day..

*wishing so badly that MR.M wud read this post!!!but dont get me wrong Mr.M, i dont regret, not even a lil tiny bit, that i know u in my life...im glad i did actually!!!=D *

Well well, what do we know, its been 2 weeks and 1 day ive been single..and i thank God very much, coz im fully recovered..Thanks to those friends who has been supporting me too..And thanks to my inner self, i did it, i have put him outta my mind, i dont love mr.M anymore, i dont miss mr.M anymore too...But i dont hate him actually, i really wish to thank him face to face, for letting me go, and, most of all, for being in my life and taught me so much, and for making me feel how it feels like being in a real relationship...Wow, it was an amazing feeling, it was an amazing experience, it was an adventure...Thank you so much Mr.M...we can be close friends like he wanted b4, but i dont know if he wants it anymore, haha, but, not now, just a while more...

oh yeah,enuff of mr.m storie...lets talk about Iedrus..if u guys have been following my blog, i was in love previously with mr.iedrus the sexay policeman...haha...gosh, 2weeks being single made me realize, i was obsessed over mr. m bcoz of the feel, but then, i fail to see, that i still miss mr.iedrus...gosh...even on CNY day, i went to miss P's house with mr.m, but my heart beats fast going there, wishing to see at least a glance of mr.iedrus..i was even looking up to his window...and miss P, told me yesterday, that apparently, he saw me, he heard my effing loud voice, and he saw me...OMG, does this mean, im still in his heart? or at least, he misses me? coz if he didnt give a damn, why look right?hmm..but he saw me with mr.m...haihhh...

anywayz...i told miss P to help me keep myself to stay single for 3 years...unless, its mr.iedrus coming back to my life, OR, if its a hot sexay white guy!!!hahahaha...so,hope this wish wud come true...coz, i actually promised myself to stay single b4, but then, mr.m came into my life..haha..but now, i hope to be single...3 years...lets all pray for me that i will make it, to be single for 3 years, unless mr.iedrus or a hot sexay white guy appear...AMIN...:)

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

1st April 2010

Omg, how could I forget to tell the most important part of today...

Last night, at d back of my ears, I felt pain, then i touched, felt like a round ball (thought it was a bone jutting out)...

Today, while presentation, I still felt pain, even till i got home after class. the pain is like,hmm,how do i say it in english,hmm,its berdenyut denyut la..haha..So i asked my neighbour, if her son(Dr. B, whom i adore very much,d best doctor ever!!!) is working, she said yes. Neighbour aunty is a very kind person. She then straight called her son and told him that im going to the clinic today. Awww...

Cut the story short.

I went to see Dr.B today..Well, he said the swell behind my ear is the limb, its swelling most prob coz of my throat. So he prescribe me antibiotics and pain killers for that..

Then I told him, I might be having anxiety, but im not sure, then i explained to him that im having sleeping and eating disorder, feeling very tired,blablabla...1st he checked my blood presure,u know,using that strap on thing then they press and press this air ball thingy,and that strap becomes tighter and tighter,gosh i love that.haha.well,he said blood presure is normal. Then he checked my pulse, on my right hand, he said its a lil fast, normal people wud have 52-60, but mine is 70...hmmm...then he checked my heartbeat, he said heartbeat is normal. he also asked if i have any fast heartbeat when i wake up or anytime, i said i do hyperventilate sometimes... So he said that i have a lil anxiety goin on.maybe due to stress or not enuff rest. hack,of course la, the finals, the break up, the knowing im not gonna go to US to study, the study-breakdown,ALL AT ONE TIME, how can i not be stress?!?haha...So anywayz, he gave me sleeping pills..

Then i told him, that 2 people told me that having moles coming up, alot, in a short time, might because of cancer..I also told him that i have like bout 4 / 5 moles that came up in 3 months. he asked me where, i said at my leg, mostly, that i can see of...he said nahhh,that's not cancer. that might be skin having some problems( or something like that la he said.....not sure..haha..) i didnt hear much bcoz my heart was quite relieved knowing i might not have cancer...fuhhh...can live a lil peacefully now..haha...

So yeah...then i went out...usually, i didnt have to pay...but this time, damn, rm25 gone...dad is sooo gonna kill me..harharhardyharhar ( new kinda laugh)...

newayz, i better take my pills and sleep now...its already 1.27am...nyteynite readers...

u know u love me, 

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#40 - something written down on 23rd March 2010

From this break up, I learned something,

Something so precious, to be kept in mind,

Something that no one will ever tell me..

That is, to never fall in the hands of love, ANYMORE!

I also learned that, love will always come with the word pain. They are best of friends. This is what Miss N told me.Haha.

Never trust a man! Never trust the three letter word said by a man - ' I  Love You'. Also, never let your heart be controlled by the word love,NEVER!!

But, it's gonna be quite hard to do this, but i will have to mati-matian try it! I need a change. I have to change myself. But from what I know, I already hated love, all along, grew up hating love. Haha.

And as for Mr.M, he's the biggest coward i've ever known. I was all in for this challenge, then he backed out. Like as if it wasnt hard for me to let go of the person I love? Like as if I wasnt scared of whether I will even find a nice guy like him who gave me a real relationship? Like it wasnt easy for him because he has everything planned out for him? Geezzz!!!

Now, who's happily laughing away being free, free to flirt, free to have intimate relationship with anyone, free of looking at girls, free from being chased down by his stupid use to be gf(me), free from everything, AND, see who is the one suffering the pain....I regret much of adding him on fb!!If only I could turn back time..If only...

But hey, look on the bright side, maybe meeting him in my life was the reason to 'everything happens for a reason'...because if i didnt fall in love so deep with him: 

• I wouldnt stop flirting around like a cheap bitch.
• I wouldnt have felt what it is like to be in a REAL relationship.
• I wouldnt have felt love.
• I wouldnt have stop looking around at men, b4 this, i had 'eye magnet to men'..LOL
• I wouldnt have know few good friends.
• I wouldnt have felt a real guy, with a real sincere heart.
• I wouldnt have known about the lake at Heritage,LOL.
• I wouldnt have watched - gray's anatomy season 6, entourage season 5, and so much more...:)
• I wouldnt have felt the feeling of having a husband.
• I wouldnt have felt the feeling like 'secretly married to a guy,no one knows about it,but every morning crawl into bed with him.
• I wouldnt have felt what it feels like seeing him the 1st thing in the morning when i opened my eyes, and seeing him the last thing at night before i close my eyes.
• I wouldnt know what sex is all about.
• I wouldnt have felt what it feels like having a boyfriend who pays for almost everything..
• Most of all, I WOULDNT HAVE FELT, HIS LOVE. 

Still, till today, after deciding to let him go from my life, after all the pain i went through, somehow, thinking bout him, still makes me smile.. 


u know u love me,
x.o.x.o.

~PoemTime~

~The Magic Beneath~
-written on the 22nd of March 2010-
*it was written on a Monday, third day after the breakup. I was inspired by the lake I was hanging out at, at the apartment, at Seri Kembangan.*

The lake, the peaceful water,
It dances slowly, gracefully,
The smell of the lake,
Oh how it excites me.

The sun shines on the water,
How beautiful it is,
It's more heart warming than a diamond,
This is it,
The home of many water creatures,
But here I am,
Wondering, pondering alone,
Is there more than the water creatures?
Perhaps a wonderland, beneath the calm waters,
Perhaps a party underwater,
Perhaps a mermaid land,
Perhaps, a magical underwater, yet haven't been touched,
Secretly hiding, smiling happily to be unfound,
Oh, what if they are looking at me?
I should then be at my best look, yes, I should!
And I can, I already felt magic.

~The Call From The Lake~
-written on 22nd of March 2010-

I hear my name being called,
They are calling me,
Softly, soft voices almost a whisper,
"Nathra, Nathra, Come join us"

This is it, I thought,
My chance to be happy and free,
Gracefully swimming side by side with them,
No more thinking to do, no more worrying,
Just be me, wild and free.

But then came a strong wind,
Along with the thunder,
Waking me from my daze,
Realizing me of reality,
"I can't," I answered softly,
"This is my world, this is my choice,
My life is here, I belong on land." 

Then I heard, soft cries,
The nature begin to sound,
The crows begin crowing badly, repeatedly,
But they understood, my choice.


But I know and they know,
My heart will always be with them, 
I am, their warrior, their saviour,
I vow my life to them.

~I am, me~
-written on the 22nd of March 2010-

This is it, this is me,
Im lucky,
Im lucky to own this perfectly good pair of eyes,
To see how beautiful the nature is,
How beautiful the sky and clouds are.
Im lucky to own this perfectly good ears,
To hear the sound of nature,
The sound of birds, the sound of water.
Im lucky to own this perfectly good senses,
To feel the beauty of nature,
The beauty of life.


And I saw, the evil me,
Waving goodbye,
Her part is done, and, I won,
I won my destiny,
I choose to let it be,
I choose to be happy,
All along, I thought others influenced me,
But now, I woke up,
From the 24 years of dreaming.


It's all in my hands,
It's only me who can change my destiny,
It's a new day, it's a new hope,
I am, me.


u kno u love me,
x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#39 - 01.04.2010

~1st.APRIL.2010

Today, I didn't text or call him at all..I have to be strong and move on in life...Move away from him...1st step is to stop texting or calling him!!And I keep telling myself "Nathra,you are a strong independent women, you can do it, you can let him go from your life!!!" But who said I cant post songs for him here right? Like he always say, "LOL" ....

So, today's pick, is Sean Paul feat. Jay Z - Do You Remember?

I've been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn't have to live we could start again...
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back...
(Yo Jay Sing for these ladies!)...
So long since you've been missing
It's good to see you again
How you how you doing
And how about we don't let this happen again...
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Jay Sean Do You Remember
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)...
Yo ay girl yo bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun
When I was still your number one
Well it might seem far-fetched baby girl but it can't be done
I've got this feeling fire blazing and it's hot just like the sun
Know you feel it too my girl just freeze up may the good vibes run ...
Girl take a sip of the champange take a lil trip down my lane my girl
While you noe every night you'll feel alright look I tell you dis girl atta My world
Dont change imma na Rearange Ay girl imma tell you straight dis atta my world
How many years do you want come kiss dis I know you miss this
That's what I heard that's what I heard that's what I heard word girl ...

There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Oh)
Let's bring it back....

And from the Ronan Keating's - Stay, I love this lines...

Why dont u stay, 

im down on my knees, 

Im so tired of being lonely, 

Dont I give you what u need?

Will try to update everyday aite...

p/s: "Happy Aprilfool Day everyone...Happy being fooled!!" - no,i hate to be fooled and i dont fool people..

u kno u love me, 

x.o.x.o.