brain jam..

bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...going crazy...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...do u understand...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...do u feel it...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...i cant take it too...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...does it hurt...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...shoot me...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
do u feel brain jam after reading this?coz im having brain jam..so many things on my lil brain..
im one person,but the things i deal with,is like 10 people's problems..
hmmm...dunno la...
let it be..let it be..i'll just see what god have for me..
oh..that rhymes..
ok now...cheers!!

death...the way my brand new year started..

what a way to start a brand new year..
i started new year with a death in my family..
my brother in law's sister..a 20 year old girl..
super smart girl..got number 2 in her uni..
thank god,2008 has changed me..
i realize that i was too old for all the nonsense of life(clubbin&going out too much)..
well,i hope,her soul will rest in peace..
i will remember her,as she was..a happy bubbly person..
*alfatihah to nur salina bt mat wahab*

newsflash bout ied!

talked to ied's brother..abang zalimi..
owh..
i feel better..
i got to know,that ied is now in sarawak..
and ied's phone is with abang zalimi and the simcard is with the sister..
owh..
thank u god!!
finally,newsflash..
at least i know something bout ied..hmm..
i really love him..
even after all the other shitty mistakes ive done..
i wont..i wont cheat anymore..
coz..its all lust..
i cant fall for anyone anymore..
i love him too much..
i will keep waiting...
owh..so happy!!

p.i.n.k a.d.d.i.c.t tells her story..

P.I.N.K A.D.D.I.C.T
that's who i am..
i ain't sure if that's whom i will be in the future..

i use to be..
O.R.A.N.G.E A.D.D.I.C.T
then when i was in limkokwing,
i was..
B.L.A.C.K A.D.D.I.C.T

therefore..for the future,
i can't say yet whom i will be..

but for now,
i have black n pink punk bangles..
i have pink socks..
i have pink hair highlights..
i have pink teeshirt..
i have pink bags..
i have pink pens..
and im eye-ing for the pink LG handphone..
and more pink stuffs...

therefore,here,i would like to say...
i am....
-P.I.N.K A.D.D.I.C.T-

my new year song

Went back home again
this sucks gotta pack up and leave again
say goodbye to all my friends
can't say when I'll be there again
It's time now to turn around
Turn my back on
EVERYTHING (turn my back on) everything....

Everything'schanging when I turn around all out of my control I'm a mobile.

Start back at this life
Stretch myself back into the vibe
I'm waking up to say I've tried
Instead of waking up to another TV GUIDE
It's time now to turn around
Turn and walk on this crazy ground oh oh oh....

mobile..the song for me..for new year..

when will all this end?

suffering..
annoying..

been waiting..
how long more i have to wait?

im bursting out my brains,
just trying to figure out,
why hasn't he call me?

shitty,
super shitty feeling..

waiting,suck big time!!
hoping,is suffering!

mohd iedrus bin daud,
i waited,
and waited...
and i hope u will remember me,
as the girl,who waited,
and stopped herself from moving on..

i am,
just a normal girl,
who craves for him,
who wants more,
who has been waiting,
waiting, and waiting...

i dont know,
how long i can last,
how long more i can wait..
but i will,
keep on,waiting,
even if u have forgotten me,
even if u have choose to dump me,
even if u took a major big step ahead of me...

because,
i dont know why,
a kind of feeling,
in my heart,
that has been beating,
an uneasy feeling,
and it is called,
L.O.V.E

in the name of love,
i will wait...

but,yet,
i will keep asking,
when will all this end?

ARRIOS....sunway pyramid..top floor!!

adalah satu kedai ni,
kat sunway pyramid,
kedai tu,selesa gile,
leh smoke, mamat keje kat sana pun cute(hehe)..tapi warga myanmar..
that day, i hang out there, from 2pm till bout 9.30pm...
only got up to go to the loo...omg..
it was sooo comfortable laa...
feel like i was at home..
*note:if u sit at the long sofa la,not the single chair!*
i love that shop..somemore, the guy know what i always drink..diet coke!!
woooootttt!!!!
i officially love that shop!!somemore can smoke...fuhyooo...
they play [v] or mtV on tv somemore..wokeh la tu rite?
hmmm.....kedai tu,kat tingkat atas,sunway pyramid..huhu...
silalah pergi...they got delicious hot chocolate drink..yummy...speggeti ok la..takde r xsedap!!

ini adalah free promote utk kedai tu..wakakakakaka....

hidup ni...camne ek?

hidup ni,umpama roda yang berputar...
ehh takk...
hidup ni,umpama kapal terbang yang telah melanggar wtc..
hmm..leh jadi...tapi tak gak kot...
hidup ni,umpama minum coke dan jadi mabuk sbb coke..
hahaha...lagi r tak logic...
hidup ni,macam perlawanan baseball,ada kalah,ada menang...
haa...logic r gak kan?hmm..

well,life is like a game,its god's game,so,u gotta play it well...

i screwed up mine..i lost in the game..for now...

in the future,i may never know whether i will win,or still loose...

so,lets just see,how the game goes.......

p/s: to readers of my blog,find in my previous posts in MAY2005 posts,a poem titled 'yesterday,today and tomorrow'...its beautiful..read it..

PAWGS!!!

perfect
amazing
wonderful
great
superb
PAWGS-after 5years of not having to read a whole bloody text book,now i have too...
hmm...my brain hurts,i feel dizzy,i feel sick,wanna throw up!
eee,pissed at myself for cant accepting more info!!
urghhh,disgusted with my lack of bookworm talent...
PAWGS!!!!!

humans n problems...

hmm...can we run from our problems?i wonder..
can i run away,from all the problems that im facing right now,and just come back again,after a year?
why is it,that,humans and problems,cant be separated?
i never knew,life would be darn complicated..hmm...
if i knew,i wouldnt wanna be that one choosen sperm/ovum...
and if i cud change my life at this very moment,i wud wanna change it...
i wanna be a princess,who has a happy life,without problems,and have Ied as my prince,and have everything done very easily,and also smart...
YEAHH,DREAM ON NATHRA!!!!!!

kematian...

aku tertanya tanya...
apakah akan berlaku setelah kematianku?
adakah mereka akan rinduiku?
adakah mereka akan mengingatiku?
persoalan demi persoalan..
bilakah ia akan terhenti....

what about life?

kenapa ye?kenapa hidup ini,adakalanya terasa amat hebat,tapi,adakalanya,hidup ni,rasa teruk sekali macam sial...

but to me,life was never perfect..maybe,being the last in the family,therefore,life is just unfair..there is an explaination to that theory ya..im not just writing that for fun..but it is fact..hmm..

well,my life,is always sad..but everytime before i leave my house,i put on a fake mask..a mask that shows me laughing,n smiling...well,u can call me a faker,but,there are reasons to that...
have u ever felt like,u have everything,but yet,there is something missing..like a missing piece from a puzzle..hmmm..that's me...

well,I A.M D.A.M.N C.O.M.P.L.I.C.A.T.E.D!!

rindu....

rindu,
mengapa?
kerinduan di dalam dada,
teramat menusuk jiwa..

2bulan...
tiada panggilan.
2bulan,
tiada bersua..

ku ditinggalkan..
7bulan(bila ko nak tiba?)
sampai bila aku harus menanti?
berlalu lah kamu masa..
berlalu lah dengan pantas..

i miss IED...
my policeman..
my property!!
i will wait,for as long as i have to wait...
i will.....keep waiting....

*teringat lagu avril-keep holding on plak*

biarlah...

adakalanya,
hidup ini memang penuh kesedihan.
adakalanya,
hidup ini dicampur sedikit kebahagiaan.
tapi bagiku,
seribu senyuman ku lemparkan,
tetapi,
yang satu di dalam hati,cuma keperitan.

persoalan,demi persoalan,
dapatkah ia terhenti di suatu masa nanti?
jika ku berada di dimensi yang lain,
atau mungkin juga jika ku dilahirkan semula setelah kematian,
dapatkah ku menjadi seperti kamu yang lain?
yang memiliki seribu senyuman yang ikhlas..

bagiku,
hidup ini tidak sehebat mana,
tapi ku tetap bertahan menghadapinya.
kerna Dia amat berkuasa,
telah dijanjikan kehidupan olehNya,
maka,aku akan bersabar..
biarpun ku harus tetap terseksa,
biarpun ku harus tetap memberi seribu senyuman palsu yang seterusnya,
aku sudah biasa..

apakah harus aku menunjukan diriku yang sebenar kepada dunia?
kenapa harus aku?
tidakkah itu memang sudah menjadi kebiasaan di dalam diri manusia?
untuk berbohong akan keadaan mereka yang sebenarnya?

biarlah ku teruskan bersembunyi disebalik seribu senyuman dan persoalan ini...

the rain..today...soaked me..

today,
rained heavily in sunway..
me and pern,walked back to my car...
WOW!!!
i was soaking wet wen i got into my car..(omg,sounds wrong)
hahaha...but yet,the experience...was so great...
i never actually did that...i repeat,NEVER!!!
never ever walked in the heavy rain..
hmm..i bet its darn damn romantic if u walk with ur loved once...
i can already imagine,by now..me and IED,walking..laughing..holding hands..
all under the rain...
hmmmm.......

money money money!you're so funny!!!

owh man...
im so dead deja pissed at him..
dont they think...

already i dont even go hangout with friends..
im not working..
i definately dont have sisters who gives me pocket money..
and i definately dont get any so called allowance..

and each week,he onli gives me rm50...
and the government has this huge hobby of taking their citizens money right...so,
rm1.60+rm1.60 goes to the toll..journey to college..
if im late,rm1.00 for another toll,silk highway..
all this is just for 1way journey..how bout return??

now my class 3days only..yesterday,i did my printing..so i gave him a receipt that written rm10...
he says 'now i no money..btw,ur college 3days only wat..'

im so hurt...owh man...tears are in my eyes now,even by just writing this..arghh...
how cud he do this to me?
see,that's why,i shouldnt even study anymore...
i shud just work...then at least i can have my own fucking pocket money...arghhh...

but sometimes,i think,
if i wasnt born in to this world,they wont suffer...
their burden will be done...coz both my sisters is now working...
maybe i was a huge mistake...

money money money,
you're so funny,
in my fucked up world...

in Johor...

why is there such humans beings living in this world?
and yet,they are still being called a human?
sadly enough,they are the one with brains..

news:in Johor,dog's head was thrown near a drain...

what happened to the rest of the body?
unbelievable,but true,its being EATEN!!!
by stupid,shouldnt be alive human beings...

and i ask my self,what,isnt there enough meat/food in this world?

i also heard stories,that in vietnam,people eat dogs and cats,therefore its hard to find stray animals around...

sick!sick!SICK!!SICK!!SICK!!

if i own this world,i will make sure,these people who does such act,will suffer to DEATH!!

you came and left..just like that..

ive noticed...
what friends are for..who my true friends are,and who's not...
i had a friend,who wuz close to me...
but i lost her..to so many reasons..
why the hell did we have to end up like this?
friends come and go..i hope,pern will come and never go..
but to the ones,who terasa,yang pk that you are one of them who came and left....
maybe,dah takdir...maybe,mmg dah tertulis,u wont be that special one...
but its ok,i will remember our shared moments together...
but,im pissed...for so many reasons...that u never knew,and u will never know...

what's going on?

all u see in the papers: POLITICS
all u see on tv: POLITICS
all u see around the government: POLITICS

can i please have some peace,and good image to the world please?
maybe this is why,i dont understand a thing about politics..
maybe this is why,i hate politics..

come on,what happen to peace?love?cooperate?friendship?
what you give is what you get..
what you gonna get,is what you have gave...

well,well...

i miss iedrus so much..
that it just doesnt matter anymore..
that i just dont care anymore..
but i managed to ask his brother and his exhousemate la..
hmmm...
ive been thinking..
now,i waited almost 2months..
then,months after months..i will still wait patiently...
then,after 7months,if still no call,nothing,what's gonna happen?
do i have to go search for him?or will he look for me?
do i have to still go on waiting?hmmm...like a fool??hmmm...
im so in love with him...way too in love with him..
i wonder,
does he misses me as much as i miss him?
does he even think of me?
have he eaten?well enough?
is he fine?
is he being bullied?
i miss him..i love him...hope he will be fine...

i've been tag!!so are u pern!

Do you think you're hot?
owh,yes!!and crazy too...hehe..

Upload a favourite pic of you.

Why do you like that pic?
owh,coz i look F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S!!!hehehe...

When is the last time you ate pizza?
Ages ago..cant remember wen..owh,i miss the delicious taste of it..hmm..anyone,belanja me!!

The last song you listened to?
God Must Hate Me-Simple Plan

What are you doing now besides this?
YM'ing..

What name would you prefer besides yours?
NAT

People I Tag :
hmm..who r..can i tag back the same person?YESS!!
1.PERN
2.PERN
3.PERN
4.PERN
5.PERN

Who is no. 1?
my BFF!

No. 3 is having a relationship with...
the chocolate,KIT KAT

Say something about no. 5
if it wasnt for her(for so many reasons),i wouldnt be dating si polis(IED)

How about no. 4?
she's so fun!with her,we both can conquer the world of laughter and craziness!!

Who is no. 2?
she is,and forever will be my BFF!!!

mohd iedrus bin daud..

its been one month,one week now,still no calls...
im at the edge of giving up now..
but i still love him..
and im still waiting,and hope'ing..
what shud i do?
i need love...i want love..and i only want it from him..
he was my choosen one..
but then,maybe it is written in the book of life,
that i have to feel pain,suffer,n sadness..
because,almost all my life,thats what ive been going through...
it was never fair...never...
i think im losing it now..
arghh...

life..

life isnt that beautiful..
life isnt that fair..
life isnt that great..
life isnt that perfect..
how beautiful u want life to be,yet it is still too ugly..
how fair u want life to be,yet it is still unfair..
how great u want life to be,yet it still sucks..
how perfect u want life to be,yet it is so distorted..
but,no matter how much u want to change ur life,
never ever wished that u had someone else's life,
coz god gave each and every human,a unique life..
u can try to change ur destiny,but dont wish for something same like others.....

why?

its been a month now,and i still havent heard from iedrus..
what happened to him?i really dont know..
but i have this feeling like he forgotten my number...hmmm..
sad..so sad..how long more must i wait?
is it fair to be kept waiting?
is it fair to keep on waiting?
people out there,who is in love,but being left out,being pushed away..
thats not fair..
but mostly,it happens to girls..hmm...
why ya?
maybe we shud listen to beyonce's new song titled 'if i were a boy'..
its so true...hmmm...

ied..

iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!iEd!i LoVe yOu!
and even more,i miss u alot,too much,even more than much...

some..

some people,are just so lucky..
some are just so good in figure drawing..
some are happy being in their relationship..
some are so smart..
some are just so pretty..
some got their loved ones to call,and im just still waiting..
some are just so talented..
some are just good in anything..
some are just too rich..
some are just too nice..

but some people are also ungrateful,
some r good in what they do,yet,they compare themselves..
some have others too love them,yet,they only want one..
some are smart,but just too lazy..
some are rich but yet not grateful with those money..

sometimes,its nice to be those lucky ones..
sometimes,it sucks to be the lucky ones..
sometimes,its nice to be someone else..
sometimes,its just nice to be yourself..

WARNING!!

WARNING!!!!
DO NOT LET NATHRA DRINK COKE!!!
SHE WILL BE EXTRA HYPER AND CRAZY IF SHE DRINKS COKE N THERE'S NO WAY ON EARTH U CAN HANDLE HER!!!

should i or should i not?

so,i really love this guy,but i really havent heard from him for quite long,too long for me..hehe..coz when u really love someone,time passes by sooo slow when it comes to waiting.
so,i've been thinking yah,im 22 this year,and next year,im gonna be 23...so,been planning........MAYBEEEEE,im gonna tell my parents bout him...
but now,ive been also thinking,maybe i havent got the courage to tell them,so scary..but who knows,maybe next year,being 23,will be wiser?right?
so,anyone have ideas on how to do that??pern?nix??hmmmmm.....
FREAKYYY!!
FREAKYYY!!
FREAKYYY!!
FREAKYYY!!
FREAKYYY!!

ied..where r u..

so,im writing again...
where are you ied?
i missed you..
why are we being separated by the sea?
why do we need to go through this hard time?
why do i have to suffer?i always suffer..
im tired of suffering..
im tired of waiting..
but,im still gonna try to put my head up high,and wait....
i know,u will call me soon...
that's a strong feeling...u will call me soon...
real soon........

i wanna be an actress..

i love fame!!
i love fame!!
i love fame!!
i love fame!!
i love fame!!
shouting out to all readers..
whoever who know anyone/any agency that's looking for an actress,let me know!!
im too addicted to fame!!hahaha...

dear anonymous...

well,my post,titled "waiting" has been commented by an anonymous..
well,dear anonymous,well,waiting hurts..but if u like a person,u shud tell the person,coz if i were u,i wud go to that person,and let him/her know how i feel about him/her...
and if that person already know,but maybe for unwanted reasons he/her couldnt be with u,and u know that there's no way u gonna be with that person,then straight to ur face im telling u,THERE IS SUCH WORD IN THIS WORLD AS "MOVE ON".....sorrie to be harsh...
see,for my case,i am already in a relationship,and im worried of his wellbeing...coz we r separated by the sea...so,its very difficult..
try imagining urself,having a loved one(which u r in relationship with!),being god knows how far away from u,and u havent seen him/her in 3weeks and in the next 7months,and u havent heard from him/her in 2weeks since he/her landed in that place,and u dont know if u r gonna hear from him/her in the next 7months...
now,picture that....
but anyways,thank you for reading and putting down ur thoughts on my blog,i highly appreciate it...

waiting...

waiting...
ive been waiting..
its getting too long now..
but im still waiting...
i hate waiting...
coz waiting makes me loose my mind..
my mind changes into negative thoughts if waited too long..
call me..dont make me wait..
how long more shud i wait?
if only u wud understand this..
if only u cud feel what im going through..
if only u knew how waiting feels like...

its been 3 weeks since i last saw u...
its been 2 weeks since i last heard from u..
negative thoughts are coming soon..
when am i gonna hear from u?
when will 7months come?
when can i wake up n feel happy knowing that u r near to me?
when can i see u again?
when can i get rid of the negative thoughts that r coming in my head?
why am i like this?
why am i too in love with u?
why cant i take it easy?
why why why?
ARGHHHHH
ARGHHHHHH
ARGHHHHHHH
ARGHHHHHHHH
BID MY BLOOD TO RUN,
BEFORE I COME UNDONE,
SAVE ME FROM THE NOTHING I'VE BECOME...
(erkk,tetibe je ada lagu evanesence ni asal ek?)

dreams...

2 bad dreams...one involving pern..which i was at pern's with my car and also my new bike that dad bought me(in the dream laa) which looks the same as iedrus's bike,same colour,same number plat...then bla bla bla...cut the story la..haa,me n pern was in my car,in the jam,it was raining slightly,and my car kindda skidded..ishh,hard to explain la..but it wasnt my mistake,it was the car,it has a life,and it wanted to do bad to me...so freaky!!!the other involving iedrus..i dream that the snake bit him and he died..so sadddddd......so scary..nightmare..arghh..another thing im curious about,y do i always have dreams that involves snakes?gosh..is that bad?is it dangerous?does that mean bad luck?arghh...confusing laa...

understand

I Know What It's Like To Want To Die, How You Try To Fit In But You Cant, How You Hurt Yourself On The Outside To Try To Kill The Thing On The Inside.

22 and still,life has no meaning..

take my life away,
i don't want to be here,
i have everything,
but yet,am not happy.
why?i questioned myself,
i feel unhappy,
i feel down,
i feel like i want to end it,
end my life that doesnt mean anything to me,
take me away,
far from my own life,
bring me away,
where i could mean my laughter,
make me disappear,
make me go away...
-written on 24sept08-

MUNGKIN,kan?

mungkin, kalau aku bawa diri,semua akan gembira,kan?
mungkin,kalau aku pergi jauh,mum & dad akan sedar,kan?
mungkin,kalau aku takde,orang takkan tau pun,kan?
mungkin,kalau aku mati,mereka bahagia,kan?
mungkin,aku tak bermaksud apa-apa pada keluarga,kan?
mungkin,pada diaorang,aku cuma patung boneka,kan?
mungkin,aku memang menyusahkan diaorang,kan?
mungkin,aku memang mengada-ada & rosak,kan?
mungkin,aku memang bodoh,kan?
mungkin,mum memang maksudkan apa yang dia kata,kan?
mungkin,aku memang tak wujud,kan?
mungkin,aku patut bawa diri,kan?
mungkin,aku patut mati,kan?
MUNGKIN,SEMUANYA BETUL!
MUNGKIN JUGA AKU BUKAN ANAK MEREKA....
-written on 5th october 2008-

Hari ini dan Esok

Hari ini,
ku telah berputus asa,
ku ingin pergi jauh,
membawa diri,
ke dunia lain.
Hari ini,
ku sedar,bahawa ku tidak berguna,
aku ingin bersendirian,
jauh dari keluargaku,
ku sedar,ku tidak layak,
untuk dipanggil manusia.
Esok,
aku akan berjauhan,
aku akan bersendirian,
menempuhi hidup tanpa keluarga,
di duniaku sendiri.
Esok,
akanku mati dengan bangga,
atas keputusanku,
walau dihina dan dicaci,
ku tetap akan bangga,
kerna ku bisa membuat keputusanku sendiri.
-wrote on 5th October 2008-

cinta...

ketika kamu sibuk berlatih,
ku disini mengingatimu.
ketika kamu sibuk bercakap,
ku disini bercakap tentang kamu.
ketika kamu sakit,
ku disini merasai kesakitanmu.
dan ketika kamu sedang tidur,
ku disini membelaimu.
apabila kamu menyedari,
masa 7bulan berlalu pantas,
ku disini merasai seperti 7tahun menantimu,
sentiasa kamu dihatiku,
ku merinduimu, ku mencintaimu,
dan ku ingin kau tahu,
ku sentiasa di dalam hatimu,milikmu..
kerna akulah,
aku..
yang tetap mencintaimu,
walau dunia terbahagi dua,
kau tetap dihatiku...
cinta....

mix stuff....

i figured out something...well..maybe..im too extream lazy..to do anything..maybe the two years spent doing nothing at home,has made my brains and body lazy..extreamly lazy...i just like sitting doing nothing..or hanging out with frens..coz i love laughing...and i also found out that i like doing my own art..its more like expressing what's in myself...hmm...owh..nix n pern..i miss those days going back with u guys on d bus n lrt..we use to laugh like there's nobody around us..n wen people look at us,we just laugh tercekik sbb kena tahan gelak..hahaha....owh man...i miss year 1...hmm...TOA made us suffer...well...maybe just me..i dont knoe how evry human that goes to TOA can cope up laa...ishh....gila aku jdnye..maybe by d time i graduate,im gonna enroll into d asylum..haha...owhh...bored bored bored...hmmm....dunno wat else to say...but..i think,these days,im a lil happier..as in work wise..i try to think that its 4 my own good..and nvm to suffer,as long as others dont suffer seing me not doing anything in my life...and..im sad also,coz i miss iedrus so much...its been 2weeks not seeing him..and 1week havent heard any news for him coz he cannot bring his hp...and he's stuck in d jungle someplace in Sabah..aiyoo..hmm...its ok...he'll be back in 7months..and i think,i have a mission...to loose weight in 7months...and ive been thinking,when he meet me in KLIA,will he notice me or he wont know who i am..hehehe...well...good luck to me on my mission..hope u guys will support me!and hopefully i can tahan my nafsu for food..hahaha....

feelings??

happiness..what is happiness?
sadness..what is sadness?
anger..what is anger?
love..what is love?
devastated..what is devastated?
shocked..what is shocked??
and so on...
feelings...owh feelings...have u ever felt a kindda feeling,that u cudnt explain..its like all in one...and ur body tingles to it...blood rushes in u..heart feels weird..hmm..i have..and have u ever feel sad most of the time,but goes around faking up ur own feelings to hide the feelings out?i have...have u ever felt like the world hates u?i have...well...d best thing that explains me,myself and i...the song sang by simple plan-welcome to my life...hmm...

huh?

so yeah..he left..but...he didnt leave for good la...he is undergoing training in sabah at this very moment...3months in sabah...then 3months dunno where(but hopefully in kajang)...then 1month back in sabah for d final training..and...he's now actually a sub-inspector...after training,he will naik pangkat to inspector..then dunno when la,he's gonna enter those polis academy n naik pangkat to chief inspector..then kawin with me..hahahaha...
now,its been few days since i last saw him..actually,1week to be exact..and its gonna be for 7months more..unless he gets to be in kajang la..but if not,7months..and i have asked so so so many people this question,"7months is not long right?"....just to be assured...hmm...
actually,im so sad....plus we just met...but hey,i forgot to mention,we have so many common things...its like 'bagai pinang dibelah dua' r weii..hehe...i miss him laaa...arghh....kan best kalau 7bulan tu sama dengan 7hari/7minggu je....hmmm....
but neway,life,is pretty messed up..my works are last minutes...my energy has gone away with the wind..my mind,often flyz away...and wen im driving,i only think of either CRASHING INTO D TOLL'S WALL or IEDRUS(dlguy)...and wen at home,i lock myself up in my room...my mind,gone with the wind...i wish i cud not be who i am today...and i really really wished,i had parents/family members who understands me better..who can actually see n feel what im going through...who can actually,be in d same shoe as mine..
and ive gave up...on studying..on living...i gave up on everything...all i have in my life at this moment is,my babies......every humanbeing has gone away from me..drifted away..even iedrus..but iedrus case is acceptable,he needs his training..hehe...but everyone else...mum?dad?tasha?nadia?fazli?pern?nix?i needed u guys.....i need u guys badly...but,where r u?
can i just float away and vanish into thin air?can i fall from earth into the space n disappear?can i cut my self so deep n alot,that there wont be any skin left for me to cut?can i punch the wall so hard that it breaks?can i hang myself off klcc tower?can i crash my car,into the toll's wall..and if i do,will i be flying through the air b4 i die?can i be assassinated?can i be murdered?
will i be missed?will i be remembered?will i be forgotten?

finally,its about time!!

finally,after pern passed the letter n kept pushing him 4 d number,he asked 4 my number..omg..and he started by just miscalling me..and then messaging..thnx to d technology,or else,i'll be stuck with zaman batu nye surat menyurat..haha...now,dlguy,is my boyfriend..haha...PERN,BANYAK BANYAK TERIMA KASIH YAA!!!hehe...u'll be top1 on my wedding guest list!!hehe...
so ya,at 1st i have 2boyfriends,but then,i ended things with zul..coz i didnt have feelings 4 him,and i figured out y i shud not keep him to myself..but ya,i were happy,zul was dissapointed..hmm..nvmla...life moves on...but ya,dlguy,he treats me like a princess..huhu..but.......im so so super sad now...he left today morning...and i wont meet him till after 7months..hmm...he's leaving 4 sabah,4 training..and i keep telling myself,7months is not long..is very fast...ya?hmm...
dlguy,he's an inspector..and his goal is to keep getting promotion..and to marry me..huhu...owh man,love was so gud..finally...hehe...neway,i've been thinking..when he comes back after 7months,i wanna go pick him up at klia...and,i think i will just stop n stare when i c him..tergamam kejap kot..hehe...then run n hug him..u know,like in those movies..hehehe...but now,i just cant wait 4 that moment...coz,not onli i wont c him 4 7months,but no calling also..he only can call me on satdays n sundays..psycho r....baru kawin da kena macam ni..aiyoyo...gila la aku...btw,i met his sister at his house..hahahaha....his sister mcm scary r..garang je muke..eeee..seram...neway...im glad that i have someone who loves me n i love him too...
XOXO

why ya?

i have everything..i got a family,my babies,my best frens(pern n nix),my car,my new laptop,my ipod,my bf,basically,EVERYTHING...but....why am i still unhappy?why am i feeling like its not what im hoping for?why am i feeling like i want something else?hmmm...

Pern passed the letter to DL...

OMG OMG OMG....
PERN passed the letter to DLGUY...waaa...so scared...wat will d reply be ya?hopefully positive!!!arghhhhhhhhhhh................

i miss him...

can i get married?hmm...stupid question...but,ya,i wanna get married...its not because of sex...but,its because i wanna live with him,sleep with him,sit n watch tv with him,see him everyday,breath the same air with him,share the same bed,do everything with him...well,most of u might say 'cheh,not getting married oso can do maaa'...yes...so true..but...try having a parents who dont want/dont let u have a bf eventhough u r 22years old..and when u wanna go out with him,having ur chest being so pain,u have to lie to ur parents about ur whereabouts...hmmm...sad ya...so...yeah...OH MAMA SAYA MAHU KAWIN,OH MAMA SAYA MAHU KAWIN...LALALALA....
-bye-

lappie lappie toppie...

uh la la....so happie...my new toy...aaaa...yeay...tasha promised me my 'june' birthday present will be a laptop,just delayed,but yeay,now i got it...this is the best birthday present ever!!!thanks alot sista!!!!

DLGUY..moving out!!

OMG OMG OMG!!!!red alert!!!
i have been hanging out at my fren's house,pern,to chill with her...andddd....to spy on her neighbour whom i have gave a nickname-->DLGUY coz he,use to,drink Dutch Lady strawberry..so gay..but...still...i like him..but..i dont know..i just wanna make frens with him laa...
then one day,like a stupid retard,i asked his name,he said his name is idrus...
then merdeka day,he finally ACTUALLY talked to me..wow..he ask where i went and wat time i went home n he said he bertugas at dataran merdeka..then i ask bertugas what??he said he's a polis...owhhhh...so hot!!!MEN IN UNIFORM ARE SOOOO SUPER HOT!!!*nix will agree with me,TOTALLY!!*
neway,recently,pern called me..she said...he talked to her..he said he's transferring to sabah...bloody sabah..so far...we will be separated by the sea!!arghhhhhhh....worst nightmare!!so...now...my task!!to get his number no matter how!!see,its hard to see him,coz he's always not at home..the time he comes back,very not reliable...so..i told pern..i asked her actually..if she wud pass a letter to dlguy if i write a letter for him..she said yes..of course she also said its like "zaman percintaan dulu2 yg guna surat menyurat"-->sentence not exact as hers la..
neway...isnt this great...but the scary part is the waiting for the reply part..hmmm...but,hopefully the letter im gonna write wont be too berbunga2..hahaha...but i hope i will score it!!to get his phone number..haha....
*shhhhhh....dont tell my boyfriend,after he jealous....HAHAHAHAHA....

aiyoyoo...

"dead...let me be dead...shoot me..."
why must i be tortured with figure studies?i hate humans..and i have to learn to draw them?oh man...so messed up!!the worst part is,they tricked me..usually the name of the subject shud be figure studies..but now they changed it to visual fundamentals...that name sounds like it got nothing to do with figure la...ishh...darn that college arr...hmmm...klaa...nothing else to tell...

insecure??

im having this major feeling this pass few days..
ok..let me tell u y i have this major prob,its because of my bf,wen we go out,he looks at girls,other girls,like he wants them or sumthing(that's wat i feel laa)...
and this past few days,in my head,i have been having images of my bf looking at other girls...
im so tired of picturing it!!arghhh
i tried to not think that way...but it aint stopping...hmm...
so,im trying to figure out if it is ok to feel insecure of my bf..or its totally wrong??
well,i did ask a wise one(tasha,my sister)..she said he shouldnt be looking at other girls if he really love me...
but neway,i trust him,i know he's not capable of cheating towards me..i just kno la,dont ask me how i knoe!!
gosh...i know nix and pern will be mad at me...pls dont..im already goin nutz trying to get rid of this stupid images...
oh ya,forgot to mention...i did tell him all this..of how i feel...so far,the last i went dating with him,i didnt really notice him looking at other girls..hmm...did it work??hmmm...
oh..then yesterday i told him bout me having pictures of him looking at girls in my head,he said im thinking of nonsence..hmmm.....
BUT WHATEVER PUN,I STILL FUCKING FREAKING LOVE HIM!!!HAHAHHA...(now night time,not puasa time,can swear,hahaha)

i guess,that's how i had to....

sometimes,i wish mum cud be my bestfriend.
actually,i wish she was,a mum who was also a bestfriend.
like for instance,the gilmore girls,or like nix n her mum or like ruby n her mum..
it's so cool,their mums are so cool.
they talk bout lotsa stuff--men.
well,im not saying here that i wish her mum was mine,but im just wishing my mum cud be so open n cool with me.
but to them,most of the choices i made is wrong,maybe that's why i let my mum choose my education choice--college and the course.
i wish i cud tell mum that even at this age of 22,i still havent figured out with what i want in life,but i just wanna enjoy but do nothing.
and i wish i cud tell her i have a boyfriend who is a really great to me,he's nobody special in his life,but he understands me,treat me right,well,eventhough he has no education background and just being a chef,but he makes me happy,isnt that's what important?
i wish,mum cud read my blog,all the stuff i wrote,oh yeah,she will,definately will,but only the day i draw my very last breath,if i go b4 her,i will tell her to check out my blog.
but really,i dont wanna and im sick of having to lie to my own parents about the stuff i do,or about who im going out with if im going dating.
im sick of lying,but,really,at this very moment,i still have/had to keep on lying...i guess,that's how i had to.....

avril's concert...

I SHUD HAVE BEEN THERE!!
I WUD HAVE BEEN THERE!!
I CUD HAVE BEEN THERE!!
--it was a be there or be dead thing..
but i wasnt there,fact that maybe if i had rich parents,i could have gone for it,or if i gotten to study straight after quitting limkokwing or if i didnt quit limkokwing,i wud have gotten a job by now and wud have had $$ to get the tickets..but too bad,just not my luck,i didnt get to go for it...
now,watching all those 'recaps' on tv,bout the concert,'DANG IT!!'..IT HURTS BADLY..its all coming back to me!i thought i got over it after shopping with mum on friday,d day d concert was held...
i really feel so sad,depressed,my head is burried below the earth now(wow,im becoming deep),wishing badly that it didnt passed yet or if only she was gonna come after 'Raya'(so that i go duit raya) or sumthing...oh gosh...Life is one hell of a pathetic poece of shit!!

29th AUGUST 2008-MOST TRAGIC DAY FOR ME!

OMG OMG OMG...ITS 9.11PM NOW...THE THING THAT I WANT TO BE MOSTTT AT,AT THIS VERY MOMENT OF TIME IS....AVRIL LAVINGE LIVE IN MALAYSIA CONCERT!!!!ARGHHHH.....IF ONLY IT WASNT BECOZ IM TOO POOR....IF ONLY IT WASNT BECOZ OF THOSE FREAKING PEOPLE WHO WANTED THE CONCERT TO BE BANNED,IF ONLY IT WASNT BECOZ OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO WROTE NEGATIVE THINGS BOUT HER IN THE PAPERS 'avril is a punk'????WHAT WERE THEY THINKING BOUT??!!!MY DAD IS INFLUENCED BY IT!!DAMN IT!!
see....when avril started out being famous,owhhhh....the papers wrote all those SWEET NICE DELICIOUS things about her...now they wrote bad stuff??!!??very fickled minded stupid idiotic bloody fucking piece of shit bastards!!!arghhh...and owh yeah...how bout those people who wanted the concert to be banned??owhh....how bout PUSSY FREAKING CAT DOLLS???they didnt mind that..wow...avril is not punk!!ok stupitos!!!she's cool...pink princess!!!she write beautiful songs that not even any of those uneducated artist in this country cud write!!arghhh!!!!IM TURNING INTO HULK NOW!!GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!SO SO SUPER ANGRY!!!!

MERDEKA!MERDEKA!MERDEKA!

owh yeah....independence day,is just few days away..so cool..im gonna go out on the eve of independence,celebrating....BUTTTTTT.........I ACTUALLY REALLY STILL DONT GET IT...
DO YOU GUYS ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT MERDEKA MEANS?WHAT DOES INDEPENDENCE DAY MEAN?WHAT DOES THE 31ST AUGUST 1957 MEAN TO YOU GUYS?
seriously man...almost all teenagers these days,people of malaysia these days,actually dont know what independence mean...they will all giv the sameeeeee answer to it 'its d day when malaysia is free from colonization n bla bla bla'.....but...come on...dont u guys think,the education of history of malaysia in malaysia is not good enough for those kids these days?the world is becoming to modern,and the people,of course,want to be modern too...but...no history is installed in them...
well,what i think is that maybe,they shud teach more bout independence day to the school kids...then maybe,they cud understand more...what do u guys think of this??hmmmmmm...just wondering....

flushed away...

-CREEP by radiohead-
"i wish i was special,
so fucking special,
but im a creep,
im a weirdo,what the hell am i doing here?
i dont belong here..."

that song is the perfect song to describe me..i dont have the perfect body,i wish i had..i dont have a perfect soul,i wish i had..and all my life,i was told to do things,well,maybe im the youngest,but,i have feelings too,but my family dont seem to see all that..its always me..'nathra do this,nathra do that'..always me gets the 'doings'..maybe thats one reason y i dont seem to see the point of me being here in this world.i just wanna be all by myself,living my own life,where i cud just do my own thing,in my own perfect little world of mine.
how many of u in this world who has life like mine?a life that is planned by not u,but ur parents.a life where u are told to do things,by ur family,not by ur own head.what can we do about this?
if i should go talk to them,tell them how i feel,they are just gonna say that im thinking to much..as it is,mum already did call me 'a spoilt brat', and that im troublesome to her, and indirectly calling me 'stupid'...it hurts..badly..it effects me!!why do my family,the one i loved the most have to do this to me?i feel unwanted,feel like,im not part of them..that's why,my love for them,are FLUSHED AWAY!!!

for my late fantasy baby,RIP!!

dear dearest fantasy,
since u left me,on 30th may 2008,i miss u very much.i miss u jumping on my lap and sleep for a long time,i miss u standing by the kitchen window waiting for left overs,i miss u tagging along with me when i walk front&back outside the house,i miss your 'meow's..i miss u sitting & hiding under my blanket..tasy,i miss u so much..u left me,but i made u promise me that u'll never leave me,remember? will i ever see u again?having to face the fact that i was gonna wake up everyday knowing u're not around anymore and everything's just different without u was painful.i called u just now,while i was on the swing,i wonder if u cud still hear me?cuz i really still feel ur presence.i miss u tasy...i miss u very much..i love u and not in a single second that i will stop missing and loving u...
lotsa loads of love,
nathra najmie devarajah

me and zul...

im back again with zul..gosh...we broke up bout 2 months ago..very complicating...in july 2006 we started dating..then broke up in feb/mac 2007..then i was single for a year plus because i love zul so much n cant seem to wanting to replace him with another guy..hmmm...then in april 2008 we coupled back..then in june 2008 we broke up...then now..august 2008..2days ago,we coupled back..i cant get him outta my mind..i just,want him..he's different than any other guy in this world that i've known...soon,i will post up a story bout all the 20++ men i've dated..hahaha....thanks for reading..till then....
*btw,im so influenced by 'gossip girl',the tv drama...where it always end with.....

XOXO

LOVE 2

if u had one person that u loved very much, that u somehow, had to let go off, would u do that? i actually did let this one person that i very much loved. twice,i had to let him go twice, i did let him go because i've learnt that "if u love a person, you've got to learn to let the person go"..ok, that is about love, a different type of love.but what if, u love something, so much, that u wud die for it,but,God love it more than u do,will u let it go?i couldnt.i still havent.i cant.im afraid that i might forget it.im scared and i just couldnt let it go.what if,one day,i try to remember it,but i cant?that's y i cant let it go.and also i love him, too much,he's my baby,and he's still is,and i cant let it go,eventhough he's gone now,for quite sometime.but yet,i still feel him,his presence..i know he is still around.
now,back to reality..that's two difference i found out about love,apart from the 'complicating' things..love..it's a disease..a disease that weakens a body, killing the weak,softly and slowly inside,eating up bits and pieces of the weak's heart.then,the next thing you know................
*now,'weak' here means, a weak person,whom has been over powered by the disease.

The Devil That Killed Me Softly..

as i stand still,
looking at the things around me,
everything's moving fast,
i tried to move,
but my feets are locked,
i tried to scream,
but i can't hear my voice,
then i realized,my lips are shut,
i struggle to move,
but i can't,
i tried,over and over again,
then,everything turned black,
i can't see,
everything is dark,
i'm straining my eyes,
but i still can't see,
then,my heart stopped,
that morning,i wake up,
knowing that i died night before,
but if i died,
who is that person living in my body,
is it,the devils?

something,nothing...

words,
they are only words,
meaning,
it comes straight from the heart,
understand,
that's what the brain will do,
love,
its a kind of feeling that the heart feels,
thoughts,
that's when the brain thinks,
tired,
it's when the body runs out of battery,
politics,
it is a very stupid matter,
time,
is when the clock goes 'tick-tock',
humans,
they are born with different characters,
life,
everyone wants it to be 'purr'-fect,
food,
too much of it makes a person fat,
death,
is when someone's time is over,
goodbye,
is when i end this poem...

What if,one day,u found out that you are adopted?

see,im different from my family...im crazy..i love arts...i LOVE animals...im weird...i LOVE meeting new people...but they are so different..i often think of this..what if i am adopted?how will i react to that?hmm...will i go crazy and mad at the people who brought me up?or will i be glad that they told me?and...am i going to go find my biological parents?or am i gonna be satisfied with the one i have?hmmm...what wud u do?and how many people are there in this world who was adopted and knew about it..and how many didnt know they were adopted?hmm...so weird...and how wud those people who brought them up,who didnt tell them that they were adopted,how wud they feel?guilty?relief?what?im sorry readers,i am a person who thinks alot...ALOT!!really...even when im doin my 'business',even when im asleep i think...i think so..hehe...but really,WHAT IF,ONE DAY,YOU FOUND OUT THAT YOU ARE ADOPTED??

Do You Actually Know The People You Live With?

so,i've been thinking..who are those people i live with?those people whom i call mom and dad..those people whom i call sisters..are they really who they are?are they those people whom i know 22years ago?or were they actually being themselves or they are just pretending to be who they are?
maybe dad is being who he is....maybe he isnt..(definately!!)
maybe mum is being who she is...maybe she isnt..(definately!!)
maybe nadia is being who she is..maybe she isnt..
maybe natassia is being who she is..maybe she isnt..(definately!!)
there you go...the answers to the question..they are not those people i grew up with..they are not the person i lived with for 22years..who r they?its like they are being possessed by some "evil and crazy demon".....i repeat,"EVIL AND CRAZY DEMON"....that's what they are acting now...my mom wud rather loose her own daughter than letting her marry who she wants to..my dad wud rather spend time with his 90++ years old mother than spending time with his own family..my sister,tassia wud rather marry some guy and dump her family who has been with her since the day she was born...
its so weird...and the worst part is,i am the only one realizing all this..hmmm...im the onli one who thinks my family is broken up...or maybe,going to....
so now...how bout u guys?do you actually know those people you call mum,dad,sister,brother,lover,husband,child...do you actually know them?take a minute to think...who are they?are they the people u knew long time ago?are they?DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THE PEOPLE YOU LIVE WITH?