Crapping 101 #12 -- > Hello new car, Goodbye my baby WJQ 8200... :(

Zomg, few minutes ago, I just received a call.


Queen.


The 1st thing she said 'Hello, I enjoy driving your new car...'


DAMN!!! And I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to my baby??!!! WTF!!!??? Why can't anyone tell me anything??!! I love my baby..WJQ 8200...I will cherish and remember you for the rest of my life...<3 you alot..you were the one I'd run to when I'm cry, sad, all those doshing moments, you making me feel like an F1 driver, owh, and that night of the break up, you accompanied me, you teman me cry eventhough I was hysterically screaming my lungs out to the songs played... damn that asshole who dumped me so kejamly...hahaha...


HOLY SHIET!!!


But, ya, hello to my new car..Too bad you haven't got the chance to meet your new owner yet.. Hmm...


GAJI OH GAJI, PUHLEASE DONT BE A B1TCH, PLEASE MASUK ESOK!!!


LMFAO~


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #11 --> Loneliness...

Help!!!

Can you hear me?

Can you see me?

I'm afraid...

It's too dark in here,

I can hear the echo of my own voice,

I can hear the echo of my own cries,

Yet, I can't see anything.

Help me!

Please, just be here with me.

This is torturing,

I feel pain,

A deep cut right in the heart,

Take me away,

Get me out of here...

Darkness, gloomy,

I have my eyes wide open,

But why can't I see anything?

This echo is pretty scary,

Voices in my head is haunting me,

I'm haunted,

By my own deep thoughts,

I'm haunted,

By my own silent cries.

I don't want to be alone,

Take me away,

Get me out of here...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #10 --> Kehilangan...

Hidup sepatutnya umpama burung-burung berterbangan bebas di udara,
Atau seperti ikan-ikan yang berenang tenang di dasar lautan.


Tapi, bagiku, semuanya pantas,
Tidak dapat ku pejamkan mata,
walau hanya untuk seketika.


Dunia telah berubah,
Apa yang Dia pernah ciptakan,
Semuanya hancur musnah,
Di tangan manusia.


Apa maknanya semua ini?
Adakah benar dunia ini hampir kiamat?
Manusia hilang agama, lupa diri, sesat jalan,
Apa ini semua tidak menakutkan kita semua?


Tapi, mengapa?
Kenapa aku masih berjalan ke arah itu?
Aku masih mengikut jalan yang salah.


Aku kebuntuan,
Aku kehilangan,
Aku cuba pejamkan mata,
Untuk melupakan semuanya,
Tetapi, gagal,
Ia datang menghantui diriku lagi,
Hanya sesaat sahaja aku menahan diriku,
Tapi, aku kehilangan lagi.


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #9 --> Come away with me...

Just a slow song I created back then...HeHeHe...Even did a recording of me singing it...LOL~

Come away with me,
Far away up high,
Fly away with me,
Up in the sky,
Come away with me,
To the moon up high,
Swim away with me,
Deep in the ocean free.

We'll be so high,
Up in the sky,
High above the mountains,
We'll make it through,
Just me and you,
Be wild and free,
Together...Together...
Just me and you,
Wild and free,
We'll make it through,
Together...

Come away with me,
Far away up high,
Fly away with me,
Up in the sky,
Come away with me,
To the moon up high,
Swim away with me,
Just you and I.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #8 --> Damaged...

Life,

It can be a real bitch.

Pain,

I felt it almost all my life.

Hurt,

That is what I feel.

Trust,

I think I lost it.

Love,

I'm too blind to see it.

Wall,

That is what I have built around my heart.

Lost,

That's what I am now.

Hatred,

That's all I know.

Friends,

I have lost a lot of them.

Family,

Who are they? Seriously.

Money,

It torn my family apart.

Soul,

I don't think I have one.

Heart,

It bruises easily.

Relationship,

I want to be in a long one.

They might say,

That life is so beautiful,

That life is amazing,

I don't believe in that.

They don't know what I have been through,

What I have seen through out my life,

They don't feel pain.

I'm damaged.

I'm messed up.

I'm too damaged to be cured.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #7 --> If I lived in the US of A...

It was 11.22 pm; I was laying on the bed, trying not to think too much about Mr. Sunshine, then the thought of me living in US came up on my mind. I just had to blog about it.

If I lived in US of A, these are the things that will happen:

1. I think I would not wear a bra.
2. I will get a pierce, under my lips, right in the middle.
3. I will go clubbing every Friday and Saturday night.
4. I will live a wild life, do things that I haven't done before.
5. I would love to rent a car, and just drive to nowhere, go on road trips.
6. Go shopping a lot.
7. Learn to cook coz it's not easy getting Halal food there?
8. Go thin within 3 months.
9. Work my ass off for money.
10. Stand in the middle of Times Square, and snap a photo just like that nostalgic photo, the kiss or some shiet like that.
11. Start on my nudity photography shots, find people who would go nude for me or couples having sex and want that moment to be captured. ;)
12. Wear short skirts, leggings, converse high cut shoes, wear hot heels, have so many sleeveless. I'd just be hot and sexy.
13. Get the love of my life to live with me, in this case, Mr. Sunshine. Live a married life with him. LOL.
14. Ride a Mustang.
15. Have a dog, Siberian husky perhaps.

Hmm, I just have to do all those. HaHaHa. That is, if I lived in US of A.

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #6 --> Fresh new start, across the sea!!

Alright Alright...


I know, my post previously was a sick post. Don't blame me. HeHeHe...Blame my weird mood swings lah..Going crazy already trying to cope up with my bloody hell of a mood swing...


I need to get a new bloody job A.S.A.P. so that I can quit before getting confirmed by the end of December, which is THIS EFFING MONTH!!!


Anyway, so, I'm gonna get a new fresh start, hopefully. I've applied for jobs in Singapore and Indonesia..If I get a job in Indonesia, that will be super awesome, coz I will be a millionaire there...WOAH!! Imagine if they agree to pay me 6.5 million, which is about RM 2275...Damn...JUTAWAN WEH!!! And I don't need to pay EPF and all that shiet (coz I think I won't be living till 55) LMFAO~ But if Spore, suck sikit lah...Hmm...Everything oso expensive, living cost, dosh, minum, bla bla bla...haihh..If Indonesia, food pun senang cari, dosh cheap, minum pun cheap, I heard can get 1.5mil whole apartment for rent...Hmm...Occay kan?


I need this fresh start so badly. Aku dah tawar hati duduk kat Malaysia ni. Benda yang menghalang aku untuk melangkah jauh adalah anak-anak aku (kucing lah!!)..Kalau ikut macam si Sunshine buat, senang lah, tiap bulan balik, renew visa..Hmm..Dapat gak balik few days kan..Harap-harap, they accept me, they accept my permintaan gaji, AND they accept me nak balik tiap bulan..LMFAO~ Ingat company bapak hang ke cik nathra oi!!! LOL~


Tapi, tu lah dia...Tak tau lah how I'm gonna survive being independent. See right, 25 years of living, not even once my parents allow me to go out to venture the world and be independent...So, yeap, I'm pretty much dependent on people. It's time to change. Good kan, my plans?


Change is good. It makes a person see a whole lot of different things from various aspects. Oh crap, ape benda lah pulak aku crap ni. HaHaHa.


Oh, kalau dapat kerja di Indonesia, senang deh, karna gwe juga bisa ngomong bahasa Indonesia. Iyalah, udah di dalam darahnya seh, gwe ini campuran Indonesia juga ya..HeHeHe..Occay, not perfect lah, but can lah..HeHeHe..


Anywayz, let's pray for me and this fresh new start aite.. Thanks readers, for always being soooo patient reading my craps and bulls..HaHaHa...I really do feel pity for y'all...


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #5 --> Truth to be told...

I think it's time to tell the world the real me.


Well, here goes nothing...


Back then, when I was a little girl, I was the happiest. There was no questions to what is life about or what love means or worrying about money. I did no know a single thing about anything. All I felt was fun, being mengada2 with my family members, the love my family gave me (oh, yeah, being the last daughter in the family, hehe), going for all those camping trips, and all those 4X4 trips around Thailand. Life seemed so easy back then.


Till, I entered the age of 15. I started to feel the urge of committing suicide. I wanted to die so badly. Why you may ask, but I don't know the main answer to that. Being a teenager I guess. Or I started feeling like there was no freedom to life. I was different than any of my family member. I hated the education system, I hated studying, I just wanted to have fun, I became a theft in my own house just for the sake of having money to chill with my friends, I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Oh, yeah, forgot to mention, I was in a 2nd ranking class when I was 14, but I was placed in the last class when I was 15. Maybe that changed my life. Maybe that was the cause of me giving up in life. And on top of that, the love I felt was going away, my family (without realizing) was slowly breaking up due to money. That was when each night I prayed to God to take my life away and that too was when I started playing around with blades. Yes, I have had tonnes of scars. Why I cut myself? Because the pain from the cut, would overtake the pain that goes in my heart, and it's nice to see the blood slowly coming out of my skin. No, I'm not crazy, I just act crazy. Then I would skip tuition almost everyday, to go chill in Metro Kajang. I became one screwed up case, yet, people still think I was a goodie good girl. Why? Because I did not act wild? HaHaHa. Master in disguise, that's what I would call myself. LOL.


So, this is me, and what people may talk about me after my death, " Nathra, the girl who gave up on life since she was 15..." Hey hey, next thing people would think is, pity her family..Right? No! Because no one cares. If they actually really cared, when they found out I have scars, they would not have think that I was following some black metal shit. And they would not have said things like I was a trouble to them. They would not have indirectly called me stupid.


All I wanted was love and care. Yes, there you go, I'm admitting it now. That might be the reason why I had all those 30 ex boyfriends. Because all throughout my 25 years of living, all I know is how to love, but I never known what love was. I would go to friends, to relatives, to family, to boys, just to feel love and care. Call me sick and sadist, but I did everything I could to feel love. I needed the attention. Oh, yeap, I love attention and fame. If I had to become a killer for fame, I would have done it.


I crave for acknowledgement. All those sacrifices I did when my sisters gotten their chance to study in UK. I was a growing teenager, what my friends had, I never had. That's when I started stealing, just so that I could go chill in mcd with them. Sick right? But heck, that was life, I guess. But no one knows what I felt inside. No one asked. No one cared. No one even asked me if I was occay for not getting the chance to study abroad. Yeah, I really don't mind coz I hated studying anyway, but it's just nice to have someone that cares for me. I don't even remember when was the last someone actually looked in my eyes deeply and just ask me if I'm really occay.


See, maybe my life is not so bad compared to others, but heck, I still have to go through all of it, I am a human being too, don't my feelings matter too? To make it even worst, honestly, I'm fucking lost. I don't know what the fuck I want in this life, what's the purpose of me being here... It's the worst, when you have no clue on what the fuck you're doing in this world or what the hell you wanna do in life. I'm completely lost!


In love, that's another story. I need to be constantly reminded that he loves me. Why? Because all they did (my 30 exes) was just saying those three so called fucking magical words. They don't put it in action. So I don't know how to see if a person loves me. Pity mr. sunshine, to have a super screwed up person like me eh? Haihh...I'm just too damaged. Can he be the one to change me? Occay, here's the thing, I'm starting to believe him, I'm starting to trust, but, when he's in front of me, I can see love, I can feel love, but now that he left again, I don't feel it. How fucked up am I right? Urghh...I love him so much :(


But thinking about those 3 days, wow, the way he looked at me, the way he caressed my hair in front of his friends, oh shit, and how he put food for me on my plate when we were dining with his family and friends...No one ever did that to me!! Wait, no guys ever even wanted me to know their friends...Oh fuck, he's doing this for me and I am still blind...


Oh shiet, anyway, forget love. So, life, yeah, I hated life and that has been like, erm, forever...Yeah, I just wanna run away from all this shiet and just live in a jungle..Or best if life just ended.. I'm so tired of being me, of playing this so called games of life. I'm tired...


Ha, now, I hate work. I wasn't born to work, oh wait, maybe I was not born to work in offices!!! I need to move around. Yeap, my attitude towards work has gone so bad. I go late, I go as I like, I have the urge of shouting at my senior when he tells me to change something that I have been doing like forever now..Urgh, I don't even talk to any of the bosses, unless it's fully related to work. I'm fucked. Seriously, fucked. I'm looking for another job now, like gile2 mencari. Looking for jobs all around the world. Let's see where life brings me to.


Occay, I think the truth has been out.. Hmm... That's all I would crap for now, I guess.

" I wished God has given us a 'user manual guide' book when He created us. 

That would have made my life puzzles a whole lot easier..."

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.- 

Crapping 101 #4 --> Love, Seemed pretty believable now...

"Every moment spend with you is a moment I treasure, and every kiss you give will be the only one I would ever remember."

It's pretty believable now and I'm starting to trust. His eyes showed me love. The way he treated me, the way he cared for me, they way he talks to me, I'm starting to fall deeper and deeper, I'm starting to trust him, I'm starting to believe that this is all real. Is that a good thing? Hmm...


The best part was just waking up in the morning, and he was the first thing I saw. OMG, I will cherish that forever. Shit, this is getting to deep, right? Damn, I'm always stupid when I'm in love.


Scared? Yeah, I'm scared like shiet, but this is life, if I get heartbroken again, so what? That's life right? And life moves on, eventhough it will be hard like a metal beam, but eventually, I will move on. But I hope it will last long. Last forever? I don't know. We're two different people from two different religion. Yeah, eventhough my culture is more to Indian culture, but, what he asked me before, replays on my mind. If I were to marry a non-muslim, will he willingly want to convert? I mean, to me, if dah sampai tahap nak kawen tu, kena lah convert, tapi itu lain2 punya hal, itu belakang cerita lah bro...HaHaHa...


Wait, why the fuck on earth am I thinking about all this kawen shiet? WTF? Chillax lah Rock Chiq, today baru genap sebulan dia bergelar boyfriend. Haihh..But, wait, I'm just too screwed up and messed up, will he even think of marrying me? Nah, I think I'm too messed and screwed up that no one would ever wanna marry me. Hmmm...


Yes pitiful readers, I'm super messed up, fucked up, screwed up, ahh, all the UPS lah..No freaking way anyone would want to spend their lifetime with me, what more Mr. Sunshine. Haihhh...


But yeah, anywayz, let's talk about now lah, he's just so bloody sweet. Or maybe because there weren't any guys yang treated me like that. Or maybe coz he's matured enough, not like those younger kids I use to date. Or maybe because I changed? I mean, seriously, I had so many kekurangan back then when it comes to love, but I'd rather not say it here. HeHeHe.


Eh, anyway, these past few days was the best days of my life of having a boyfriend lah weh..Chilling with his friends (MEREKA SANGAT AWESOME OK!!), chilling till so late (OMG, FREEDOM!!), spending time with HIM..Ahh, sangat hebats lah! Nanti nak ajak mereka2 datang lepak kat gazebo rumah lah :) Cuma pity lah, no alcohols allowed..LMFAO~


Haih, now here comes the sad part, he's leaving tomorrow :'( I feel like crying actually, tapi xboleh, kena control macho. HaHaHa..BTW, I love his family, they are so cool. His mom and his dad, sangat baek. Hmm..And I love the fact that my Mr.Sunshine is a workaholic and familyholic, it's not easy to find a guy like that these days occay! His flight is at 1pm tomorrow, I will be at work then. I wish I was rich, that I didn't have to work, and I can fly across the sea to him anytime. DAYMN!!


Oh, is it normal for guys to not say 'love you' and is it normal for girls to always say 'love you'? But these days, I noticed since he don't say it, I seldom say it too. Hmm. But I love him, I know my heart does. And I can see it in his eyes that he loves me too. Lagi satu, macam banyak je persamaan antara me and him. Hmm, aneh bangat sih..Takut juga lah. Tapi, xpe lah, just go with the flow lah kan? Kalau ada jodoh, ada lah. Kalau xda, xpe, move on sudahhh..hahaha...


Shiet, gwe cinta bangat sama dia. Dan gwe sayang bangat sama teman2nya. Gwe juga sayang sama keluarganya. Dan anjingnya si Tiger. HaHaHa...Gimana ini sih..Gawat neh, gawat...Udah terjatuh cinta lagi. Waduh...


Eh, why on earth I'm suddenly speaking indo language? LMFAO~


Alright, before I crap on more shiet, let's end it here for now.


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #3 --> Let's talk about the four lettered word...

Let's talk about the four lettered word that people like to use so much..No, it's does not start with a F or a S…It's L.O.V.E. Yeap, let's talk about love.

When you hear the word love, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? When you think about love, what is your first thought? Is it sex? That's what most men or women think about these days. Coz they use their vagina and penis to think.

What I think about love? Well, let's see. First I would think of my dead cat, Abang Arrow, the one and only true love of my life. Then I would think of the love for God. Then I would think of the love my parents gave to me, and the love I have for them. Lastly, I would think about my future husband (whoever that will be, if I would have one).

My future husband. Can he love me purely? Can he give his whole heart to me? 100%.. I want a man who can love and treat me good. Who does not think with his penis. Who would be madly deeply in love with me, to the extend that when he tells me he loves me, I can see it in his eyes; I can hear his heart cry. Do they really exist these days? LOL. Well, and of course, he thinks about me every now and then. He would go crazy if he didn't meet me for at least a minute each day, and would die if he did not listen to my voice. I want a man that I can rely to, who can hear my heart out, who just knows me so well more than I know my true self. Well then, does such human being exist these days? Seriously…

I know, I know, that does not exist, and that's just bullshiet. HaHaHa..It would be nice if they did exist eh? HaHaHa.. Anyway, yeah, that's what I think about love or what I want from the word love.

Hmmm….

Well, mr. sunshine? Fuhhh… Yeah, he's sweet, I got pissed at him the other day. I should not have wrote my previous post. Since that night after the talk, till this very second, day 2, he had not said a word to me, talked to me, replied my text. :'( And I have been very sad since. So, do I love him? Hmm…I think I do. All I know is that I think about him, I'm worried coz I don't know if he's pissed at me now, or he's just busy, I can't wait to see him, but I'm scared too at the same time..Shiet, I miss him.

Ha, I can't write anymore, brain has gone jammed up because he's on it all the time. Hmm..

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #2 --> Pissed Is what I'm feeling right now!

The chat on skype last night got me thinking alot. Seriously, ALOT...

What do men want? What the hell do they actually want? I got to figure that out..

Well, why can't he see what I'm doing, what I do for him? Why can't he understand that I just want to spend one whole day with him, even if that means just lying there beside him? Why can't he spend 1 and a half day with me, and 1 and a half day with his family? That's all that I'm asking. He made me start thinking that it's true what I have thought of all these while, that men just want to use me. Why? Why are men so evil and cruel? Occay, not all, but maybe the ones I meet...Why can't they fall madly deeply in love with me, like how I'm madly deeply in love with them? Or do that only happen in fairytales? 

Damn, I just don't get it. He became my boyfriend a day before he left for oversea. Now, after a month, I get to be with him again, tu pun 3 days jer kot, then he's gonna go off again. Is it so hard to just please a lady? Haihhh...I totally respect his decision of wanting to spend time with his family, but, how bout me? I wanna spend time with him too. Oh, maybe the question here is, does he want to spend time with me? Some good quality time..Not just to do it, but to just spend time together, like true lovers? Damn, are we even true lovers? LOL..

Shiet people, all I want is just to spend some time with him. But what he said last night, had got me thinking alot.

This is so not fair. Why does my love life always suck? Why do men always treat me so badly? How many times of hurt I have to go through till I'm finally feel happiness? Maybe I will go to work now. Haihh...I just want to feel love. Yes, I crave for love and attention. This is what happens when that stupid shit people chase after so badly, yeap, MONEY, ruins your family. Then your parents would be so busy thinking about how the fuck to find money, they forget you. They forget they once had a baby whom they gave so much attention to. Yeap mom and dad, fuck my tears flowing like a river now, maybe all the shit I did was just to win your attention! URGH!

Now I'm fucking pissed. Last night I slept feeling fucking pissed too. Fuck, and work, shit, it's getting on my nerves too. I did not fucking stayed in college, finish my fucking diploma program, just to be some pirate ok, yeap, if the police found out, they would put me behind bars, coz I copy so many CDs at work. Is that the job of a graphic designer? FUCK!!

Shit, this love, the love this time, had made me loose my mind. Is it because I really love? If so, DAMN LOVE then.

But seriously, what he said, had got me thinking so much. Am I some person you come to when you need me, then leave as you like? Hmmm...

Sorry readers, sorry for all the swearing...

Btw, if u're my aunty, my uncle, my cousin, my siblings, my lover, my friends, my what the fuck whoever, this is the only place I get to let my feelings out. So fuck you if you think you're gonna go behind my back bitching about me, or turning my blog into a gossip topic. Coz you don't know the fuck I go through in life. So fuck off and just shut after reading! Thank you. After all, no one is perfect. And of all person, I'm just crap.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #1 --> New day of crap begins...

Well well, it's a new title now. Done with bullshitting 101, now it's time for crapping 101..LOL...


So, here it goes again, all the crappy thoughts that comes in my head, that goes straight to my awesome blog, yeap, I think it's awesome, just like me. LMFAO~


The other day, this lovely girl, my cousin, said that I'm cool. HaHaHa..Wow, apparently, I'm cool. So nice to have people adoring me. NgEeEeE...


Yesterday, my friend read my blog for the first time, and he asked me, who am I. Wow, does my blog really speak the true me? Hmm..


This guy who's my boyfriend, shit, I think I'm in love with him. This feeling is weird. From all my past so called love life, this time, this feeling is weird. Is it because I'm more mature now? Or because my heart has been guarded by all the pain men has caused? But yet, I still feel like a child. HaHaHa. But then, today, there was this tiny voice in my head again..I just have to blog about it..I heard it saying, "Shit, I love sunshine, and I feel sad already. One day I will be heartbroken again. He too, will leave me, just like all the other man I loved. I wish he could stay and be the one..." Yeap, that sick voice. Sometimes I wonder if that sick voice is me, or some evil psycho person living in me. Weird.


Hey, don't you think it's weird, that I just think alot? Sometimes I feel like WTF? Why can't my brain stop thinking just for a second? I even think when I sleep. Urgh~


Oh, continue back my story.. So yeah, I love the fact that it has been 3days now that we skype. Lack of sleep, ahh, who cares. HaHaHa. I feel so good when I get to see him. Sometimes, I feel like I wanna gigit him so badly, coz he's sooo cute. Hey, when I say cute, it does not always mean the looks ok, it's the attitude. He won my heart, yeap, with his cute attitude. Oh dear, I miss him so much eventhough I see him on webcam. HaHaHa.


Well, it's just 4 days more now, till he comes back, for ONLY THREE BLOODY DAYS, but uh-ha, 3 days still counts right? Rather than not coming back at all. NgEeEe...But I wonder, will I see him again after he goes back there? HmMmM...I wish I could see him everyday, snuggle in bed with him each night, wake up in the morning seeing his face, and him, being the last person I see before I sleep - eh, sounds like husband jer..LMFAO~


Nah, I don't think there is a single human being out there who would ever wanna marry me. I'm lost weh, confuse child I am. Not forgetting, damn complicated, I mean, the wires in my brain has all tangled up kinda complicated. I'm actually a pretty simple person. I think. HaHaHa. Since I have a strong feeling that I won't marry a malay guy, I wonder what's the process of a non muslim converting to be a muslim. Hmm..No, I can't ask my mom how dad converted. You crazy? HaHaHa.


Oh fuck, ZOMG, so, I have been doing some workouts since last week. Jog, sit ups and now, dance on the dance mat with PS2. And damn, I lost 4 KGs. Na'ah, hell no, I ain't telling you my weight. HeHeHe. No one can know that, and no one knows. LOL. But weh, I'm so excited lah. 4 KGs look like a small figure, but it means big to me weh. See, I just have to go thin, occay, maybe not thin, but I want the figure I had back in highschool. The perfect size, perfect weight. HaHaHa. Plus, I gotta look good you know. HeEhEe...


Anywayz, got to go now. Feel like this craps are all really starting to sound like crap. Hah. See what I mean. LOL.


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#101 -->Insecurity and LOVE again..NgEeEe~

Is it weird to be scared?


Yes, that's the line I want to start this blog with. Hmm. 


Sometimes I feel like I'm going to grow old alone, die alone in my house, with my cats just being around me. Or are they going to leave me too?


Insecure is what I feel. Insecure of myself, insecure of life, insecure of love, insecure of everything. I feel so scared. Yeap, I had just too much bad experiences in life. Maybe to some other people, it's just a small thing, but to me, it's a big deal. For instance, love. When I love, I really love, I don't look at other man. But why can't these people I have loved before look at all that? Why can't they see me for who I am? Just like my family. Hmm.


The reason why I choose to love animals with all of my heart? Because they don't judge me. They accept me. I'm fat, I'm a mood swinger, I don't know what I want to be in life, but they don't care about all that. Because, they see through me, they don't judge me. They make me so happy. Everyone else just choose to judge me all the time, they don't see right through me.


Shit, occay, let's get back to my main topic. Yeah, maybe I'm a big coward who just pretend that I'm fine, I'm strong and that I have control. Maybe I like to be in control cause it's a distraction.


Urgh, shit, what am I crapping about? Is this it? Is this what being an adult is? This sick feelings I feel in my chest? If in that case, being an adult is full of crap.


Anyway, happy thoughts, happy thoughts...Oh, shit, I think I accidentally fell in love..Oh no, am I going to feel another heart breaking moments? Coz I'm really so sick and tired of it.. It seriously does hurt occay readers. Please, don't say love, if you don't love. Easy. Don't pretend, don't be a faker. I mean, it hurts so much, I think it's even worse that being hit by a fast track train. Eh, but for now, fine fine, they can say I'm having love-sick/angau, or whatever shit they wanna call it. So what? I am, just  human being kan? God created love among us all. 


Oh no, I really feel so sorry for you readers, coz I'm talking crap again. HaHaHa..


Eh, 30th November 2011, would be 1 month I've been dating him. Insecure, honestly, yeah, there's just insecurity in this relationship. Maybe coz it's too early. Eh, what rubbish am I talking, macam cari suami jer. LMFAO~ I think I'm just too complicated for anyone to even think of marrying me. He's too awesome, he's perfect to me..But yeah, who cares about all the other stuff, he makes my heart beat, he makes me feel alive again, he makes me feel the air rubbing against my skin, he is my sunshine, and I love him. ;P


Occay, I think right now, this very second, I don't even know if I'm awake or asleep. I have only slept for 2 hours. Blergh...I'm gonna take a shower and sleep..Oh I miss him so much..Yeay yeay, not including today, it's only 5 days more!!!I can't wait... :) As son as I see him at the airport, I'm gonna just hug him so hard, and kiss him soooo hard, like there's just two of us left in this world. Ngeee heee hee....


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#100 --> Feeling Psyched!!! and some other weird shietzos..

Zomg, I'm psyched!!!

Yesterday, 20.11.2011, he came online and we talked on skype. YES, webcammmm!!! Damn, I was so happy, I was smiling all the time, till my cheek hurts. LOL. We started skyping about 12am I think, till 3am.

*Sayang, if you are reading this, yes, I just have to update my blog. HA-HA.

I'm just sooooo happy that I was able to see him; I just miss him so much. Wow, being able to see his smile again, his eyes, and his tattoo, just being able to see him, I'm going GA-GA already lah. Even till today, when the thoughts of last night comes on my mind (which is most of the time), I'd just smile, and my heart bounces.

He just makes my heart beats so fast. I don't remember when the last a guy make my heart beats fast, maybe never. Hmm...Being in this relationship with him, is just so exciting, I don't know why. Maybe because it's him, the guy I liked when I was 14. Like seriously, WOAH! I bet he gets that alot, a girl liking him, I mean, who wouldn't like him. HaHaHa. Oh dear, I feel so bubbly now.

He's my sunshine, like that song "Sunshine in my window, that's what you are, my shining star..Making me feel, I'm on top of the world..."

Now, it's just 7 days more, till I get to see him for real again, and even though he's just gonna be here for 3 days, I will use all the time I can to be with him. But I know, family is important as well, I mean, if I was the one coming back from somewhere, I would want to spend some quality time with my family too, so I totally understand if he wants to do so. Like what the law of relationship says, 'give and take'...HeHeHe..

Shiet, I only have 250 bucks left in my bank. How how? DAMN, why must my pay only comes in on the 5th of each month? See, this job is just too far that I have no savings at all at the end of the day. I mean, seriously readers, why do we work, when at the end of the day, you don't get to save any money? Hmm..There's just so much things to pay...Car loan, Study loan, Car petrol, Tolls after tolls, Food, Ciggs, and just some money for chilling out with friends. I don't even shop, yet, no savings. Yes, I'm not like other girls, I actually hate shopping. It's a total waste of time. I usually shop when I know that I need something new. Am I weird? I don't think so..hmm..

Anyway, yesterday, I went to a job fair in PWTC, damn, it's just soooo government. No job opening for graphic designer. WTF right? I'm so gonna find a job somewhere away from Malaysia. I think Bandung is a nice place to work in, since I like Bandung. That's it, my target for this week, go online and search for job openings in Bandung, USofA and Singapore.

Oh dear, now that song by Jessie J "It's all about the money, money, money...", is playing in my head. Why must the world be all about money? Why is it so crucial to have money? What happened to happiness, love and peace? Why is money so important? URGH..If you have been following my whole blog since day 1, I'm sure you'd know that I HATE MONEY. Yeap, I hate money, no, wait, hate is a little less strong word, correction, I DESPISE MONEY! Money was the cause that torn my family apart, I mean, not really apart, but money was the cause of my family not being a family anymore.

Ha, I don't even get it when my mom want's me to marry someone who's well paid off. No, if she wants that, then she can marry them, cause at the end of the day, I just want a man who can make me happy, even if I have to live in a super small house, as long as he can feed me, and make me happy, that's enough. Plus, you work for money, you work hard, you get more. So, yeah, duit boleh dicari lah...

Oh, talking about marriage, my maid told me that my mom is worried of me. My mom went telling my aunties that she's worried of me, being single, after work, straight home, where got time to find a boyfriend. HA-HA. Good for her, she should be worried, who asked her to always not let me out to venture the world. But what she says is not true lah, I am not single, HeHeHe, but nah, I would never tell my parents if I'm seeing someone, until I'm assured that the guy is 'the one'. I just don't like the idea of telling them, then what if it don't work out, then what? Right? So, I will keep pretending, till I feel that the man I found will be the one. But it's kinda scary also, I mean, how do you know if that is the one? Oh readers who are married, can you tell me how you knew that the man you married was the one? For instance, even my friend, who recently got engaged, she's not even sure if he's the one...See...So how do you find out if that's the one? LOL...

But what I know is, I don't think I can marry a Malay guy. I just can't click with their minds. Yes, I am a Malay, but I'm also 50% Indian, and my mind is 50% Western, like most people who knew me would say, 'Nathra is just too westernized'..LMFAO~ I have a feeling that I will marry a non-Muslim dude, or not get married at all. HaHaHa..But I like the idea of waking up in the morning, and the 1st thing I see is my man, the person I love, the person I'd share my life with, and he would be the last I see before I sleep, so, yeah, I have to get married. HaHaHa...

Anyway, I think this post is just toooo long now, I should stop bullshitting..And oh, just couple more post and it would end the days of 'bullshitting101'...Unbelievable yeah..LOL. Nevermind, I already have a new title post in mind, 'Crapping101'..HaHaHa... Well, till then, take good care of yourself aight readers. Will be updating soon again.

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Another post about L.O.V.E.

I'm just sitting here, in my new home, in d hall, thinking what to write other than the bloody word - L.O.V.E.


Oh crap. I think it's gonna still be about it. Pity you readers. LMFAO~


Here it goes again.


Last night, 18th November 2011, I cried myself to sleep. Thinking that maybe he don't love me, maybe he don't care about me, ahh, all those negative thoughts lah. See right, the thing is, when you are away from the one you love, and you finish work at 3.30pm, you head home and don't have anything to do, there will be a little voice psychoing you in your head. That's exactly what happens to me. So, I fell asleep. The next thing I know, it was 3.30am+ when I received a call from him. I think that was the 1st time we talked for that long. About 30 mins? He listened to me talking rubbish and crap. LOL. That's one of the things I love about him, he listens. No matter how tired he is, or if he was about to say something but I say something, he would let me talk. Sweet eh? Hmm..But I feel pity for him also lah, to have a girlfriend who talks too much. HA-HA. We talked till his credit finished, then I called him, talked till my credit finished. Felt so exited, till I can't sleep coz my heart was beating so fast. Yes baby, you made my heart beat so fast, you make me feel so alive :) And I went work late, thank God that Ranveer texted me at 8.45am, had a super quick shower, chuck all my clothes in my bag(returning home to kajang), and went for work. Note, my work starts at 8.30am on a Saturday, I was an hour late. HaHaHa...


I told him the truth. About what I felt. I had to let it out. Like I always believe, adults talk. They share their problems, they talk, to solve things out. 


Maybe all I need is that kot. A man who would just be there for me, always around me, if he's not around, at least call or text. It makes me happy. Like when we first started dating, he always calls and text me, and I felt so bubbly. When things started to change, I was always feeling so lonely. Hmm...Anyway, let's think things positive. Yes, eventhough there might be times when I would think positive, but what matters is, I have him, I love him and when he say he loves me, I believe him.


Neways, will update soon, got to go out now.


I love you readers!!

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

What's up with me and the word love?

Honestly, I'm starting to feel the distance.

It was sooo sweet at first, yeah, I received numeral calls a day, text messages, but now, I'm loosing him to his job.

I just wanted a guy who would appreciate me and show that he really loves me. Hmm. What's happening? Is this normal?

Shiet, I think I just don't know how to be in a relationship. I feel like asking him to define what is 'in a relationship' is all about. Hmm. I wish he did not leave. I wish he got a job here, instead of there. But, if it wasn't because of him leaving, I would not have met him.

Fuck, fuckity fuck, I'm loosing my mind. Again, can long distance relationship work? FISHES IN D SEA mannn!!! LOL~

feeling so lost, where's that happiness i felt? hmm...

maybe coz now, im starting to think, if now he's so busy, only calls me once, don't really text anymore, and this relationship has only been for a month, how bout the other months to come? can i survive it? or am i gonna feel like shiet coz i would be missing him all d time and just swallowing it in my tummy and feel sick? hmm...

but i miss him. love? im not really sure if it's 100%. trust? i think there's only like 30% trust...hey, dont blame me for not trusting him ok, men made me be this way. all they want is just to use me and im also one bodoh case to just believe lah. haha.

well, maybe like he always say, and like my friends say too, just let time puts it all in place. i should just go with the flow right? yeap..i should..

sorry for over thinking about this matter. maybe i just did not want to get hurt again, just this once.

but damn, for the 1st time in my life, im changing, for a man. i started working out, not being anti-social again...ZOMG! haha..im such a spaz..haha..

newayz, im so psyched, he's gonna come back in just 10 days more, eventhough it's just for a very very very short time, but heck, at least i get to see him again :) yeay...can't wait to hug him, kiss him, and just stare into his eyes...*yes baby, ur eyes better be showing love.hahahaha...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#99 --> The one and only love in my heart...

This is the story about my love, my life, my soul, my everything.

I’m still madly, deeply in love with my dead cat! Yeap, I don’t think, I can ever love a human being, the way I loved him. He was just too special.

"Arrow, you came into my life, changed my whole life, filled my heart from emptiness. It can never be complicated with you. The way you listened, the way you love, the way you care, I don’t think anyone can compete that. How special you are to me, how much you did for me, no one can ever imagine."

If Arrow was still alive, I would say that repeatedly. He was more than a best friend to me, he was my life. He meant the world to me.

Yes, he left me on the 7^th July of 2011, but till today, 17^th November 2011, I still cry thinking about him. I just miss him so much. I miss how he would actually lick my tears when I cry, it was like he was telling me, “Don’t cry, I’m here with you”. I also miss his smell, his soft fur, his breath, his love, his stubbornness, I just miss cuddling in bed with him, and how he would climb on me and sleep and I would have to stay in a position for a very long time.

I wish he was still alive. I want him with me, for as long as I breathe. I don’t need a man or a friend in my life, I just need Arrow. Because Arrow, would always be there for me, no matter what.

“Arrow, you will always be my one and only love, you are my one and only shining star.”

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#98 --> Love oh Love

Oh Love...


That four lettered word..Love oh Love..


Yes readers, I'm so effed up, I think I'm in love.


He's just so sweet. I feel like there's just more to know about him. And yes, I EFFING MISS HIM SO MUCH!! Why didn't we met sooner? Hmm...


Part of me is still finding it hard to believe that he's mine. Hmm. That's normal right? I mean, when you liked someone 11 years ago, and suddenly, the man becomes someone you call 'mine'..It's also weird when I have to say 'my boyfriend'...Maybe coz I've been single for a year plus..Hmm..


Well, I hope it won't be another same old lame short relationship. I hope it will last longer, can it? Long distance relationship, will it work? I think it can...Since I got no feelings for any other man, I believe this can work out well :)


Neways, dear readers, I think I'm officially having love sick. Even thinking about him makes me smile, WTF right? I wish he didn't have to go away... :'(


I can't wait for 28th November 2011...I have a feeling I won't be able to sleep right the night before lah..HA-HA... Grrrr, I miss him so much already...been 2 weeks since he left...Fuh!! I need a chill pill!!


u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-