Well, here goes nothing...
Back then, when I was a little girl, I was the happiest. There was no questions to what is life about or what love means or worrying about money. I did no know a single thing about anything. All I felt was fun, being mengada2 with my family members, the love my family gave me (oh, yeah, being the last daughter in the family, hehe), going for all those camping trips, and all those 4X4 trips around Thailand. Life seemed so easy back then.
Till, I entered the age of 15. I started to feel the urge of committing suicide. I wanted to die so badly. Why you may ask, but I don't know the main answer to that. Being a teenager I guess. Or I started feeling like there was no freedom to life. I was different than any of my family member. I hated the education system, I hated studying, I just wanted to have fun, I became a theft in my own house just for the sake of having money to chill with my friends, I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Oh, yeah, forgot to mention, I was in a 2nd ranking class when I was 14, but I was placed in the last class when I was 15. Maybe that changed my life. Maybe that was the cause of me giving up in life. And on top of that, the love I felt was going away, my family (without realizing) was slowly breaking up due to money. That was when each night I prayed to God to take my life away and that too was when I started playing around with blades. Yes, I have had tonnes of scars. Why I cut myself? Because the pain from the cut, would overtake the pain that goes in my heart, and it's nice to see the blood slowly coming out of my skin. No, I'm not crazy, I just act crazy. Then I would skip tuition almost everyday, to go chill in Metro Kajang. I became one screwed up case, yet, people still think I was a goodie good girl. Why? Because I did not act wild? HaHaHa. Master in disguise, that's what I would call myself. LOL.
So, this is me, and what people may talk about me after my death, " Nathra, the girl who gave up on life since she was 15..." Hey hey, next thing people would think is, pity her family..Right? No! Because no one cares. If they actually really cared, when they found out I have scars, they would not have think that I was following some black metal shit. And they would not have said things like I was a trouble to them. They would not have indirectly called me stupid.
All I wanted was love and care. Yes, there you go, I'm admitting it now. That might be the reason why I had all those 30 ex boyfriends. Because all throughout my 25 years of living, all I know is how to love, but I never known what love was. I would go to friends, to relatives, to family, to boys, just to feel love and care. Call me sick and sadist, but I did everything I could to feel love. I needed the attention. Oh, yeap, I love attention and fame. If I had to become a killer for fame, I would have done it.
I crave for acknowledgement. All those sacrifices I did when my sisters gotten their chance to study in UK. I was a growing teenager, what my friends had, I never had. That's when I started stealing, just so that I could go chill in mcd with them. Sick right? But heck, that was life, I guess. But no one knows what I felt inside. No one asked. No one cared. No one even asked me if I was occay for not getting the chance to study abroad. Yeah, I really don't mind coz I hated studying anyway, but it's just nice to have someone that cares for me. I don't even remember when was the last someone actually looked in my eyes deeply and just ask me if I'm really occay.
See, maybe my life is not so bad compared to others, but heck, I still have to go through all of it, I am a human being too, don't my feelings matter too? To make it even worst, honestly, I'm fucking lost. I don't know what the fuck I want in this life, what's the purpose of me being here... It's the worst, when you have no clue on what the fuck you're doing in this world or what the hell you wanna do in life. I'm completely lost!
In love, that's another story. I need to be constantly reminded that he loves me. Why? Because all they did (my 30 exes) was just saying those three so called fucking magical words. They don't put it in action. So I don't know how to see if a person loves me. Pity mr. sunshine, to have a super screwed up person like me eh? Haihh...I'm just too damaged. Can he be the one to change me? Occay, here's the thing, I'm starting to believe him, I'm starting to trust, but, when he's in front of me, I can see love, I can feel love, but now that he left again, I don't feel it. How fucked up am I right? Urghh...I love him so much :(
But thinking about those 3 days, wow, the way he looked at me, the way he caressed my hair in front of his friends, oh shit, and how he put food for me on my plate when we were dining with his family and friends...No one ever did that to me!! Wait, no guys ever even wanted me to know their friends...Oh fuck, he's doing this for me and I am still blind...
Oh shiet, anyway, forget love. So, life, yeah, I hated life and that has been like, erm, forever...Yeah, I just wanna run away from all this shiet and just live in a jungle..Or best if life just ended.. I'm so tired of being me, of playing this so called games of life. I'm tired...
Ha, now, I hate work. I wasn't born to work, oh wait, maybe I was not born to work in offices!!! I need to move around. Yeap, my attitude towards work has gone so bad. I go late, I go as I like, I have the urge of shouting at my senior when he tells me to change something that I have been doing like forever now..Urgh, I don't even talk to any of the bosses, unless it's fully related to work. I'm fucked. Seriously, fucked. I'm looking for another job now, like gile2 mencari. Looking for jobs all around the world. Let's see where life brings me to.
Occay, I think the truth has been out.. Hmm... That's all I would crap for now, I guess.
" I wished God has given us a 'user manual guide' book when He created us.
That would have made my life puzzles a whole lot easier..."
u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-
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