bullshitting 101~#31 - Scared.

This is life, feeling scared is something that can't be separated with human beings. Therefore, I have that feeling too. Its killing me inside. Im so scared....

Im scared of:

• Loosing the man I currently love so much.
• Loosing my precious relationship with my sister.
• Loosing my family.
• This lack of motivation feeling that I'm feeling which is bringing me down in studies.
• Not being able to achieve my dreams to go to the U.S. to be a photographer with National Geographic and nudity photographer freelance/with Playboy.
• Being alone in this evil world.
• Loosing all my babies(Cats,Tortoises n Fishes).
• Being a loser.
• Being a sad pathetic person I use to be,again...
• Hurting the heart of the man I love.
• Missing people alot, coz it makes me cry.
• L.O.V.E.
• Going crazy and loosing my mind.
• Having anger management issues.
• Loosing my husband(I don't know who that is gonna be) coz I hate sex.
• being so scared...

There's many more points that I can type, but I rather not bore all of you readers :)

"Fears need to be faced with bravery"

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#30 - damn damn bz...

hello readers...

Well, 1stly, I would like to apologize, for not updating my blog, for such a long time. Since I came back from AbuDhabi (beautiful n peaceful place), everything is just so messed up. Ive been too busy. I only have time for my facebook.haha..Anyway, here's the updates...

I went twice, to abudhabi, i went, i came back, i spent the worst one week in malaysia, then i flew to abudhabi again. hahaha...thanks to my sister for the expenses. the trip, it was beautiful. i never thought UAE would be such a beautiful country. im loving abudhabi, and winter in UAE was awesome! COLD,BUT NO SNOW!!haha..

I came back on the 5th of January 2010. and classes started on the 6th. haha...So, the 1st week of college was like, "aha,whatever...boring..blablabla..." then came then 2nd week, gosh, a lil heavy...and when the 3rd week came, i was like 'shittt,die die die...' (so much of wanna change into a positive person yeah?haha)

Then......lalala....came the cheezy part...haha..I met someone...on facebook...who's now my boyfriend...its such a coincident ok...that he's Arab..he's from Yemen..haha..and,from what i see, and what my bestfriend(N) and my cousin(R) see, he loves me alot..dunno la how it goes..im feeling a lil hard to trust and to give in fully these days..maybe bcoz of Ied..haha..

Oh,not forgetting...I told my parents about my sister(the best sister anyone could ever have)...and my sister found out...now..she's not talking to me..she said 'I NEVER WANT TO KNOW YOU EVER AGAIN!!GET OUT FROM MY FUCKING LIFE!!' shit...i miss her so much...oh T, i wish i could hug and say that i miss u so much..look readers,dont judge me wrong ok..my intention was pure and true...i was trying to save her..i guess, she wants to drown in her own mistakes forever, fine then!!hahaha...

So readers, that's a lil update for you guys...im really sorry for not updating this blog..Soon yeah?hehehe...Im trying my best to do well this year...its my final year..one year only..coz i have a target..my target is to study in US next year..therefore, no failing..no hanky panky stuff..hehe..but i will do keep updating once in a while..In the mean time, please bare with me!!!

x.o.x.o.,

you know you love me,

-nathra-

To my lovely loyal readers ;)

Hello there people,
Well,im just writing this post to apologize to all you loyal and kind readers, for not updating my blog for quite some time now.
Ive been darn busy since end of nov till now.
Last minute plans..
Travelled alone on the plane, 4times..
Travelled to abudhabi,TWICE..
Had the best holiday in my life,being with my sister..
Will update soon yeah..
But for now, just hang in there, be patient, and take care..
Not forgetting, HAPPY NEW YEAR, but for me, what's new?nothing is new for me..haha..

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#29 - CHANGING MYSELF!!!

yesterday, i had a talk with a friend..

well,finally,someone actually did make me realize that i shud change myself..

i hate this person i am now, i wanna be the person i was before i became this ugly monster..haha..

Today, i woke up feeling happy, feeling grateful to be alive...

i have a long way more to go, and im gonna make it right!!

people, you gotta love yourself!!!yes!!and i will love myself..God didnt gave me life for nothing right?..hehe...

well, remember readers, "The climb is a struggle, BUT, the view up there, is awesome!!!"

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#28

Well, hello there readers..Today, i did this psychology personality test on facebook, i usually do those quiz when im bored,and just for fun..but gosh, this quiz said some true stuff about me...so,the result is below here, for u to know a lil more info about me..hehe..well,its all true except for the last 2 points ok..ehehe...

Dear Nathra Nd, below are your PSYCHOLOGY PERSONALITY test result:

You love the crowd... a party animal! Too many “friends”, you can’t easily tell which among them is real and not...

You’re usually expressive... Open about your emotions and most of the time willing to talk about it.

You love deeply... you may flirt along and people think you’re a playboy/playgirl but the truth is: your heart belongs to only one.

You appreciate simple things in life... You hate complicating things that’s why you’re typically up-front in any aspect.

You’re an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend... You don’t care if your partner doesn’t really love you as long as you love him/her. You give your all...

You’re intimidating! People have an impression that you’re elite—or if not, you simply look sophisticated. You gain praises but not companions.

You’re independent! You’re also risky just like the bajaken who sail in the vast and dangerous ocean to look for treasures!




u know u love me,
x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#27

i've always been the kind of girl,

that hid my face,

so afraid to tell the world,

what i've got to say,

but i have a dream,

right inside of me,

gotta let it show,

it's time, to let you know...

yes...this is me..

im just someone,

looks more like you,

but,

my character,

geez...i think im actually an alien sent down from God..

hahaha...

sometimes, i feel like im God's joke..

it's always trouble when it comes to me..haha..

troubles and problems are the two main thing that cannot be separated with me..

it's like a curse,somehow..

yes,of course sometimes i wish life cud be pretty normal,

but then, i realize,

if there are no troubles and problems,

i wouldnt be streetsmart as i am right now...

i think i know a whole lot more ways to deal with stuff than most of normal person wud do..

hmmmm...

only, sometimes, in some things, i choose to be stupid and to be ignorant..hehehe...

well what's this post is all about?

i really dont know too...its just another of those bullshitting101..haha..

p/s: DEAR FLASH, I MISS YOUR COMMENTS...

u know u love me,

-xoxo-

-This Is Me-

Sometimes,

As I sit up on my bed,

I would cry so hard,

So hard that I couldn't feel my tears...

Sometimes,

As I think to myself,

I would get so confused,

So confused that I just can't think anymore...

Sometimes,

As I fall in love,

I would love so much,

So much that I could feel my heart cries...

Sometimes,

As I get hurt,

I would get hurt so badly,

So badly that I feel like breaking things...

Sometimes,

As I get upset,

I would feel so sad,

So sad that I wish to go as far as I could...

Sometimes,

As I face the mirror,

I would feel so regretful and pity,

So regretful and pity that I would question myself, 'Why did I turn into a bad monster?'

Sometimes, I wish there were more happiness to life,

Sometimes, I wish I could just be naked and show my trueself,

Sometimes, I wish I could turn back the time,

Sometimes, I wish to be someone else,

Sometimes, I wish that I was unborn,

Sometimes, I wish to go far away, to a place where Im a complete stranger to everyone,

Sometimes, I wish this climb of life wouldn't be so hard,

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so different than all of you,

Sometimes, I wish I would wake up one day thinking that all that has happen throughout my life was just a dream, a bad dream.

But then, sometimes,

To think about all this,

I am just, me...

We are all unique in our own ways,

Sometimes, maybe,

We should just accept it all,

Strengthen up, and suck it up like a soldier,

But then,

I am who I am,

I am, ME...

written on 5th November 2009,

at 8am

u know u love me,

xoxo

bullshitting 101~#26

well,

here we go again..

"love" topic again...

currently, i feel like me and him, is not gonna go anywhere...

currently, i feel like i cud smell breakup around the corner...

currently, i dont know if i shud carry on loving him or not...

currently, i like how we are, but, it's a lil bit too much of 'just frens'..

currently, im just going with the flow...

i trust him..

i hope it will last longer than my previous relationshipSSS...

well,

let's just sit back, relax, and see how things go...

rite?

hahahaha...

u know u love me,

xoxo

bullshitting 101~#25

well,

it's not only one person who told straight to my face...

but....here's the thing...

23years ive been living, i still dont know what love means...

7 years of my dating life, i've choose to be stupid...

23years ive been living, what i want, i have to have it...

7years of my dating life, i got almost all the men that i wanted.:)

23years ive been living, ive been growing up with the belief that 'happy family' dont exist...

7years of my dating life, i was hard like a rock, cannot be hurt..only past 2years ive became soft...

23years ive been living, it was all deep confusing sadness...

7 years of my dating life, i've always fall too fast, then hate too fast too...

blablabla,it goes on and on...

well,somehow people, have u ever known someone who knows what he/she is going into,but yet, they just chose to pretend blind...i have...i know that person too well...because,she is,me...

but then again, what if this is all fated? That karma will be catching up with me a lil too many times? That this pain i feel over and over again, is something to repay the sins ive done?

Well,i aint a perfect muslim...But at least ive quit drinking...That's a good start rite? And maybe i will have my heart closed soon?Who knows rite? And smoking will stop too maybe? Hmm...

This is just game of life, i know im making mistakes, but, somehow, if i dont go thru all this mistakes,and more yet to come, when will i learn..rite?

But thank u everyone, for ur concern...=)

I hope i didnt hurt any reader's feelings...",

u know u love me,

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#24..continuation of post #23..

mari kita semua jadi dewasa sekarang,

or mungkin,

aku dah buat keputusan,

i will berfikiran matang now,

i will trust him, takpe la if i get hurt, but so far, its going fine..

but i dont dare to put full hope on it..

so, lets just play along, kalau hubungan aku ngan dia lama, eloklah,

kalau xlama, xpe, teruskan usaha cari baru..hehe..

p/s: im falling for him...

to you...yes,you..you know who you are...

Maybe you were too blind to see,

What I was trying to do,

Look and open your eyes and see properly,

Ive been trying all along to patch things up with you,

I guess you was just too interested with your 'love' that you went blind..

The next day, I didnt even said hie to you, was because I was so hurt,

I got so pissed, I got so mad, therefore, I lost my mind...

Yes, so I heard, you tried to say hello to me,

What, I thought it only took 1second to say the word hello, but it took you so long to do so...

I had enough..This cold war that has been going on for too long now, has to come to an end...

Im not sure if you're reading this, but I hope you do...

I want you, to forget everything that i've done,

now think of what you have done...

I really did try, all along, eventhough i gave up at one point, but i keep telling myself, dont waste the special friendship that i had with you once before...but you didnt care much...

So, now, Im telling you, yes YOU, this war, has ended, i have other wars to handle, i will forget every special friendship moments i had with you, and please do the same too. Thank you..

p/s: Yes, I know I owe you some money, I will pay it, but please give me time till i work to pay you..your cooperation is much appreciated. Thank you.

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#23

menangis aku terfikirkan benda ni dan ketika menulis ni...

aku ada teman lelaki...

tp, aku rasa sedih, dengan benda2 dia bwat...sabar mmg la aku sabar...aku trime je apa je yang dia bwat..sbb aku percayakan dia..tp,at one point tu, i just dont know who to trust...i have another source saying yang dia playboy...and byk benda yang menunjukkan kata2 itu betul, tapi, aku percayakan dia kot..cuma,mmg r ada masa kengkadang aku rasa cam diperbodohkan gak..hmmm..

now,bila ada ayat dari dia yang mengatakan dia perlukan seseorang yang memahami dia, aku terasa..walaupun dia slalu kata tu hanya main2 jer....tapi,aku pun ada perasaan kot...mungkin,sbb tu la slalu org kata yang lelaki ni tidak berperasaan dan perempuan plak emotional lebih..hmmm...weh,tapi mmg sakit gile kot..selama ni,aku sabar je,sbb aku faham his wants and his needs...but tetibe kuar ayat camtu..perghh..sakit kot hati..hmm..tapi,aku xbtaw dia..mungkin salah aku la kan?

anddd,mungkin korang akan kata aku ni bodoh sbb masih bertahan pas korang baca ape aku nak tulis ni,tp,aku telah belajar yang 'i shouldnt quit something i started' ....well, ramai gile pompuan, tanye dia, dia single ke x, he always say he single...perghh..terbakar je jiwa kot...i mean, yes, aku sayang dia, dia kata dia syg..tapi,benda2 camni,membuatkan aku rasa cam, dia ni mmg playboy sejati,or dia malu nak ngaku dia ada gf or what?katanya dia xnak kecoh2...eh,aku terpk la kan aritu, kalau kita menjawab soalan org ttg status relationship kita,kononnya kita jawab 'yes i dah berpunya', itu kecoh ke namanya?pada aku,tu hanya menjawab soalan je kot...

kengkadang, aku rasa, asal aku ni bodoh sgt? bape kali lagi karma nak kenakan aku? cukup r aku kecewa dah berkali2...sakit gile kot rasa...kengkadang,pk balik,mungkin mmg single lah benda paling hebat yg pernah berlaku dlm hidup aku..hmmm...i wish he cud understand me instead of saying i dont understand him when i do...patheticnyerrr dunia percintaan aku kan?hmmm

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#22

aku tertanya tanya la kan,

nape ek?

nape sebenarnya kita merasakan yang hidup ni susah?

tapi,

kalau kita buka mata kita dan lihat ke sekeliling kita,

kita akan sedar,

yang sebenarnya idop ni lebey hebat dari apa yang kita lihat..

hmmm...

ni la yang aku sedar baru2 ni..

masalah semua,

hanya dicipta oleh diri kita sendiri..

hehehe...

korang pk la sendiri ek...

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#21

im sitting here,

and i cud see her staring straight into my eyes,

it's like she's reading what's on my mind..

her big round eyes,

stared straight into my naked eyes,

the stare was going thru my body,

and went straight for my brains,

the stare that lasted for about 10seconds..

then she turned away,

something else catched her mind away..

then she jumped down the table and left,

and yes,

that was the 10second stare from her,

my cat...

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#20

i dont get it,

i totally dont get it...

i dont get what i dont get..

hmmm..

do u get it?

i dont get it too...

its all about the get get this days eh?

but i really dont get what im suppose to get?

ha?

blurr...

bullshitting 101~#19

actually,

after few months of my break up with ied,

im feeling soooooooooo lucky that it ended...

to think about it now,

how stupid i was then..hahahaha...

funny funny...

bullshitting 101~#18

story 1:

A Mother came home one day after few weeks staying in her married daughter's house. And she was so happy to come home, that she asked her husband and her daughter to go for lunch with her, as she was also so hungry. But her husband and daughter was very tired, that they slept(tido mati), and she got so mad...

story2:

A father, who was so tired looking after his 98year old mother, slept in the afternoon, the day his wife came home, and ignored his wife's request to go for lunch.

story3:

Daughter, who has her own insomnia problems(well, sort of),who was having troubles sleeping at night, didn't slept that day, and she drove all the way to her sister's house in Ampang from Kajang just to pick her mother up because her mother had to go to Cheras,JUST TO SIGN A CHEQUE, and drove her mother back to their home, and had to send her mother back to Ampang again in the evening. So, she accidentally fell asleep in the afternoon at home, and she slept so soundly(tido mati) that she couldnt wake up when her mother asked her to go lunch with her.

Story4:

After few days....

Mother is angry and sulking at her husband.

Father is angry and sulking at his wife, for no reason, well apparently, he said that his wife left without telling him, but his daughter heard her mother saying that she's going to Ampang(in a super angry way).

Daughter is stuck in the middle of her father's and mother's arguements. Silly silly arguements!!

The moral of the story:

FUCKING HELL WEHH, I AM YOUR DAUGHTER, NOT YOUR PUNCHING BAG!!thanks alot for teaching me all this shit!!

*Parents of the world, if you have a small lil stupid silly problem, don't let it out on your children. Even if you have a major huge problem, don't share it with your children. You are the adults here, so go figure it yourself!*

The end

-xoxo-

Title: Persoalan III

Sepinya,

Perasaan tanpa sesiapa,

Sunyi ku didalam duniaku sendiri,

Hanya ditemani nadi pernafasanku,

Kegelapan membutai penglihatanku..

Tatkala di dalam kesunyian dan kesepian ini,

Persoalan masih menghantui pemikiranku,

Persoalan yang masih ku belum ketahui jawapannya dari dulu,

Diriku meronta-ronta,

Ku ingin dijawab,

Aku tidak mahu dihantui persoalan-persoalan ini,

Aku sudah penat berfikir..

Tapi ku pasti,

Duniaku akan kembali terang,

Seperti dulukala ketikaku masih belum kenali dunia sebenar,

Dan ku pasti,

Persoalan itu akan terjawab..

Title: Hmmmm....

Confused,

Should I give in fully,

Or should i hold back,

My feelings...

It hurts to be hurt,

It hurts to love,

The pain that spread in my vains,

Should I fall in love again?

Scared,

Scared to fully trust,

Scared to move on,

But if I don't carry on,

When will I meet 'the one'?

Hmmmm.....

7:35A.M. of 2nd OCT 2009

As I lay on my bed,

Eyes wide open,

The clock shows 7:35am now,

Haven't slept the while night,

And by now,

Flash back from the past haunts my vision,

All the sins I've done,

Towards God, towards my family and towards people that I know(friends),

It all haunts me now,

Then questions cam up next,

Will I be forgiven for all this sins?

Will I be someone better?

It all came like the pourdown of rain,

Then my eye blinked,

And it all went away....