i shud have listen to her..

my mom once told me, that what is currently going on in my life right now will happen...
i should have listen...i should have...
no one knows how i feel right now...
yes,im so sad,so depressed,and i have other shit to handle too...
yet,i can still smile and laugh happily...
but here,in my four walls,i lock myself...i cut myself..i bleed myself..i hurt myself..

why the hell did we have to end up like this?

put all the blame on me...

yes,this is an angry post!!!no thinking involved...

dad blamed me..he said its because of my stupidity that the stray cat has been hanging around my place..
mom blamed me for the reason my sister date the loser..
mom blamed me for being a trouble in her life..
mom blamed me for the reason my sister broke up with sufyan..
the world blames me for being here in this world..
she blame me for breaking this up..
he blamed me for him turning into a playboy..
they blame me for failing..
andddddddd moreee fucking blamessssssssss............

FUCK ME RITE??!!im the one to blame!!!yes,dump allllllllllll ur blames on me...just throw it at me!!!coz it has alwaysssssssssssssssssssssssssssss been about me rite????

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

sajak hati

baru semalam aku rasa bersalah pada teman paling baikku,
harini, aku digemparkan lagi, aku baru tau, yang selama ini,teman yang ku anggap adik,telah menyimpan perasaannya dariku,
aku betul2 ingat semuanya telah selesai seketika dulu,
tapi,tak sangka,oh,baru ku ingat, aku ini bukan jenis berdendam...
adakah kerana dendam?
adakah kerana sayang?
adakah kerana sakit hati yang kemudiannya memakan diri dan menjadi benci dan meluat dan akhirnya bertukar menjadi dendam?

tapi,apa kamu tidak tahu,
katakan padaku,kalau ku tidak pernah memberitahumu tentang diriku?
apa tidak berkali2 ku telah berkata minta maaf dengan penuh ikhlas?

manusia melakukan kesilapan,manusia tetap akan melakukan kesilapan banyak kali..
aku ingat kamu telah pun melupakan kisah lama,kerana kamu sendiri berkata kita tidak akan bertengkar lagi,tapi kini...
sayang kerana ini terjadi..

aku tau kamu berperasaan,
aku juga berperasaan,
aku tau kamu terluka,
aku juga terluka,
mungkin benar keputusanmu,
aku tidak tahu,
aku takut untuk berkata apa,
kerana,
aku tau,apa saja yang aku kata,semuanya adalah salah.

tapi,tetap disini, ku ingin meminta maaf,kalau aku bisa mematikan tubuhku ini,supaya kamu dapat melupakannya,ku akan membuat begitu,(bukankah manusia selalu memaafkan orang yang telah mati?)

mungkin,jika ku fikirkan lagi,ku akan jatuh sakit.....

-sajak hati-
-written on 12th july 2009,spontaneously-

bullshitting 101~#4

well, today, 4th of july, something happened again, as usual...

imagine, ur father, scolded u, for no reason, because he was pissed at ur mother..
suck right?
its like, 'wtf,why do u have to let ur anger out at me?'
so i had a bad day..
i went to my aunt's, to teach my lil cousins arts, as usual, on a saturday(FOR THE $$$),
and,they were about to go out, they asked me out,
so,instead of being a teacher for today,
i followed them, and i had fun..weeeee~

and,ZOMG,my aunt was like 'so nathra,u have a boyfriend now izzit?'
and i said 'erkkkkk,no lahhh'
then she said 'i think u have one...just tell me laa,im cool'
and i still said no...
then at the parking lot,somehow,we were talking bout 'men and cartoonish like movies'
and she said 'corey(my cousin's bf) sure oso like it,how bout ur bf nathra?'
and i said 'no lah,puhhleaseeee,he's an inspector,he dont watch cartoons'
then she said 'ooo,so u got bf laaa??'
and i was like 'damnnnnn' in my heart...
hope she wont let the secret out to my mom..fuhh...scary...

well,see,i dont mind if my parents finds out i have a bf..its about time see..hehehe...
but,my parents,MY LOVELY PARENTS,they have these super high expectation,that i just cant CANT catch up with...
my mom once said 'nathra,u shud find a bf like pilot....'
see...hmmm...i dont care who my bf is,what he does,coz what's important is,am i happy?
i can marry a rich dude,but live another effing sad life right??
but what if,i marry a person,who's just a normal guy,but,i live a happy life with him?
after all,they are,still a person right?hmmmmmm....

ok,im stopping now...cant think anymore..wanna watch 'hotel for dogs' now..weeeeeeee~

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#3

yes yes,
in life,my pretty effing life,
i have hurt people,
i have hurt people badly,moderately and mildly...haha..
my words,can stab a person's heart..
well,im glad im good at that...
but to people that ive hurt,
maybe i didnt intentionally mean to hurt u?
or was it intentionally?
maybe there was time it was unintentionally and vice versa...
payback is a bitch...but,nathra,she aint a payback person(but she's a bitch,haha)...
see,no matter how much hurt she is,
she can never payback,
yet,she still hang in there...
its that relationship she appreciates,
therefore,she closes 1eye...
how bout the other eye?(wont it still be feeling the feeling of being poked?)
hmmm...
i was waiting for sorry from alot of people in my life...
i waited...but yet,its always me who have to apologize...
its always me who have to give in..
why can you give in?why??
take a mirror, place it in front of u, look at your self 1st, do u deserve an apology from me?

*so much anger in me...its all life experience shit, and u people is the one who gives me this experience...thanks alot bitches and asses!!!urghhh!!!you ugly fugly creatures that's always expecting an apology from me!!!realize your mistake 1st la..arghh...

*tiada kena mengena dengan yang hidup atau pun yang mati...

-xoxo-

let's all go naked...

"Let's all go naked, be ourselves, take out our masks, show our true selves"

ain't gonna happen, ain't it?

i don't think anyone could ever do that, just show your true self?hmmm...

to certain people, i can, to certain people, i can't show my true self...

but to most of the people, i put a fake happy mask everyday every time before i step out from a place called home...

why can't i just show the real me to the world?

why do i need to be fake?

or wait, maybe i am confused if i am happy, or if i am sad...hmmm...

-xoxo-

Shhh....

Silent night,
Peaceful night,
Shhhh,
Do you hear it?
Do you hear the sound of silent?
How amazing it is,
That the only sound I was hearing,
was coming from the crickets outside,
And the sound of my room fan,
And the sound of the cat's biscuit dropping as it slips from my cat's mouth,
Oh, I looked outside the window,
How dark it is,
But the street lights shines and brighten the earth,
No movements tonight,
Shhhh,
Silent night,
Peaceful night.

-written on 23rd June 2009-
-xoxo-

iedrus and his life as an inspector...

well,as some of u may have know,iedrus is this 22year old inspector who is so darn effing sexay in his uniform..ohh la laaaa...wkakakaka...

neway, i cannot get mad at him eventhough he promised to call me but didnt...i cannot get mad at him eventhough he said he will meet me but he didnt...i cannot get mad at him even if he promised to come on my bday day,but he didnt...i cannot get mad at him even if he was the cause of us getting lost in PJ...i just cant...see,somehow,i understand his job...i know he needs to sumbangkan bakti pada negara(yg bengong ni)...

i maybe cant get mad...but,i am sad...i am disappointed...sometimes i think,i waited for 7months(despite all the cheatings behind him),and now,i still gotta wait?he dont call me at all...and there's no way i can call him,coz he dont own a phone...sadis r...all i can do is stalk him,or crash pern's place(feel like im a bitch coz feel like im using her and i dont wanna use her)...so,due to feeling like that,i found a new way,just park my car a lil far from pern's house(so that pa dont see),and stalk my boyfriend...damn...nak bercinta pun payah...penuh keseksaan jer...

that day,i seriously asked iedrus,if he really love me,or was he just trying to get into my pants....he said...he loves me...then he asked me back,if i love him...i said yes..then he asked y i love him...and i said,'i dont know'...so funny la,y izzit people have to ask y we love them?see,being in love with a person,it doesnt have a reason...it is just when a heart,have locked on a target,and it is kept that way...ZOMG,1st time im saying that sentence..haha..

omg,im running from my title,aint i..haha...well,so yeah,iedrus,he's so bz...i understand his job,his duty...eventhough i dont show it...but in my heart,in my head,in my body and soul,i know that that is his responsibilities...but it wud be really nice,if he cud at least call me...right?hmmmm....

and the thinking goes on again.......

-xoxo-

27th june 2009

that day, turned out to be shit...
there are secrets that i wont let out that happened on that day...

laughing hard with nix,awesome laaa...and that night,sending her home,we did something we alwayssssssssss do....'BOOOOO' at people by the roadside,on the motobikes,and to those with their glasses down..hahahaha...

iedrus said he wud come meet me at mv,but he didnt come,but i didnt get mad at all bout that...i just cant...nix said,maybe because we understand each other,coz we know each other,coz we r both the youngest...hmm..maybe la...

this year, i didnt get to blow off 23 candles off the cake...i didnt get a cake...every other year,without fail,i always get my cake...maybe.......i shud have just stayed at home instead of going out...rite?then mum n dad wud have surprised me with a cake like they always do...hmmm...

*sad,tears in my eyes now*

-xoxo-

Bullshitting101~#2

written on: 18th June 2009(before i came to my senses)

well,once upon a time,i learned that if you love someone,you gotta learn to let the person go...
yes,i am ready to let the person go...
but kan,like i said,and many people say,EVERYONE DESERVE A 2ND CHANCE la...
i must fight for it..right?
hmm..if i give up,like how i always give up,then,no point la...no point in living..
but,the thing that pisses me off,is that u dont quit something u just started la!!haishh...
sadis taw...sadis...cam pengecut pun ada...macam pesalah pun ada...uhhhh,cheeky..hehehehe...

aku memang merindui dia,yeah,i do really miss him...but,i cant force someone into loving me la kan..hehe..i only can hope..and dream..and keep on dreaming..but we did have a plan..didnt we..but its ok...maybe i wasnt the one who was suppose to be in that plan..its ok..i totally understand...
people,remember,"DONT EVER LEAVE SOMEONE HANGING WITH A MILLION QUESTIONS"
people,remember,"DO NOT QUIT SOMETHING U STARTED,IF U WANNA QUIT,DONT START IT.."
same goes to marriage...
hahaha...well,i guess,when u r really heartbroken crashed crushed(wow),u just go crazy for a bit,but,if u r strong enuf,u can move on,u can do it,even though the memories haunts u down...but i know,i am strong enuf..and at least,i changed..thanks for that special person who made me change...i became a lil bit more girly,and i feel hard to simply swear,and i sing happy songs like 'always look at the bright side of life'...hehehe...
but,somehow,i tot that person was different,really different,but,it turns out that he was just the same as the others...takperla...kita belajar dari pengajaran...
aku pun xkan jadi pushy...aku akan jadi penyabar...and,who knows,soon,nathra will wear tudung(feels like it laaaaa)...hehehe...neways,i love that person,and always will...but i will mend back my broken heart like i always do...hehehehe...
but,hey,THANK U...

~xoxo

W.E.M.L.

well well...
i guess,if i wud be given a nickname,i wud be call,'the confused one'...who doesnt even know of what she wants in life...

1) i dont know if what i said before,bout not loving iedrus,was true or was just because i found someone new...
2) i am being a desperate bitch rite now,arent i?coz im looking for iedrus again...
3) i can move on from being dump..i found out the truth..not from sharif though...i realized,it was my mistake all along..i pushed him too hard,that i accidentally pushed him away..
4) i told my friend that i wanna banned 27th june in my life,meaning no presents,no wishes,but,i really dont know how true i want that...hmmm..
5) i dont know if i still love iedrus,but,i really really do miss him alot...
6) i've lost my mind,i cannot think anymore,its like,i lost my brains or something...y?
7) but im already fine from being dumped...
8) actually,signs were there all along,that me and sharif mmg xserasi from the start..he is just him,and im me...we r two different people with different likings...hmm...no wonder everyday i sure sing 'kita berdua,jauh berbeza,langit dan bumi,blablabla' everytime after i reach home from seeing him...haha...

see...and there's more going on...hmmm...

"WhatEvaMajorLoser-W.E.M.L."

-xoxo-

bullshitting101~#1

life isn't as bad as i thought it is..
doesn't mean that, one thing in your life goes away,you gotta be down..
if you have great friends,they just know how to make u feel better..
well,shit happens in life,rite?and,everything happens for a reason..
and,i know,everybody hates to be left hanging...hmm..
i wonder,what awaits me ahead..
will i end up having the one i love as the one?
will i be working in the advertising line as what im studying now?
will i be a successful person?
will i have a great life ahead?
will i be able to move on in life when im heartbroken?
i guess,its up to me right?its how i colour that white piece of cloth...
yeah...after all this crying and saying that i wanna die and stupid stuff like that,
i came to my senses...i came back to earth...i can do it..so what if just because of one stupid shit that happened,i have to screw up...unless,i am and was born to just screw up(hehehe)...
well,one thing u all gotta know,nathra is a very very negative and impatient person...
oh,talking about impatient,
dear friends,who've ive hurt,no matter what way ive hurt u,i wanna apologize..
and,people,remember,no matter how lost u feel,how angry u feel,how stupid u feel,EVERYONE DESERVE A 2ND CHANCE...
and,to all u mabukers out there-"DRINKING IS NOT A SOLUTION!!!"
and,to all u cowards or messed up people out there,-"TALKING IS THE BEST SOLUTION"~that's what adults do(if u say u r matured laaa)...

p/s:sorrie if this note singgung u readers feelings...this is my bullshitting mind speaking...hehe..
~XOXO

replied back msg...

hi..u xpenah sakitkan ati i,walaupun yeah,i ada xpuas ati dengan u..sharif,what happen to u?ini bukanlah sharif yang i kenal?i ada sakitkan hati u ke?i ada singgung perasaan u ke?hmm..kenapa u tetibe jadi camni?izzit because im just to clingy?sharif,the past was meant to be in the past...u met me for a reason..but now u r quitting what u started...i nak faham u..i know,inside u,there's this whole new wonderful person in there...u need to move on from the past...i accepted who u are...i choose u...sharif,apa maksud u dengan keserasian antara kita tiada?i tidak merasakan camtu pun...i tried to talk to u,but u seem to not open up to me..and,on saturday,u said u ada something nak bincang dengan i,is this the matter?kalau ye,ini bukan berbincang namanya sharif...u r just running away...y?talk to me...lets meet up,and talk...adults talk,so come,lets talk...face to face...look me in the eye,and tell me all this...one last time...
p/s:ur ayat gile jiwang..didnt know u cud say things yg berbunga2...and,i miss ya,we really did actually have something special...

this was what i replied to him...and gosh,my mood swings like faster than the rocket...geez...one second im fine,one second i feel sad,one second i feel happy...geez...wat's wrong?

break up msg..

hi....sebelum i cakap apa2 i nak minta maaf dulu,jika selama ni i banyak sakit kan hati u...dan i nak ucapkan terima kasih banyak2 untuk apa saja yg u buat untuk i...selama kita kenal...u tau tak sebenarnya kadang2 apa yg kita rancang tak semestinya berjalan seperti yg diharapkan,jadi kuatkan hati u sebab i bukan membenci u,bukan ada perempuan lain dan bukan sebab i marahkan u....tidak ada cacat celanya dari pandangan i,cantik manis sama macam manusia lain,apa pun situasinya kita tetap bole jadi kawan dan soal jodoh semuanya kerja tuhan,i tak nak tipu u,setelah sekian hari ini i mengenali u i cuba untuk cari keserasian antara u dengan i....jelas sekali sebenarnya sayang i pada u berbatas tidak bole diberi lebih....sebab hati ni tak bole nak dipaksa lagi....i harap u faham....tiada soal atau isu lain selain isu mengenai hati kita sendiri...setiap perlakuan u sebenarnya tidak sesuai untuk i mungkin disebabkan kisah silam i,i dh tak tau macam nak layan perempuan,manja u,comel u sebenar nya sangat istimewa tp sayang sebab ia bukan untuk i,sebaliknya orang lain,mungkin jodoh u nanti i tak tau dan i tak tau apa akan jadi kat i lg 2 3 tahun...i minta u faham isi hati i,i tanak pura2,dan i tak bole tipu hati i...u baik dan u bole jadi lg baik dari sekarang...bukan i tak suka kat u tak sayang kat u,tapi keserasian antara kita tiada,jadi i dah fikir masak2 lagi lama hubungan kita nanti hati kita akan jadi lagi rumit,dan mulai sekarang kita kawan je tak lebih dari itu,i minta maaf.

that was a break up message i received...tak paham r,everything was fine..just because my status kat facebook merepek2 emonyer,dia rasa aku jadi gila sbb dia r?weh,ingat aku xda keje lain nak bwat dari jadi gila hanya sbb seekor jantan yang tak tau nak menghargai apa yg dia ada???arghhh.....fuck la....fuck!!!!and all my fucking problems pun had to start at the same time la kan?babi sial pukimak cibai hanjing sial!!!arghhhhh....

men and women

what's up with men? its so hard to understand them, and its so hard for them to understand us girls...

MEN:
-stupid
-straight
-lame
-heartbreakers
-cold
-heartless
-suckers!!

WOMEN:
-smart
-flickered minded
-emotional
-hot
-loving
-annoying at times
-good at planning
-soft hearted

so, basically, men and women are two different human beings with different brain shape i guess..hahahaha...

-xoxo-

latest newsflash about my love life..

so,
latest news,
dlguy dont call me anymore,i think he sorta get the hint(me not answering his calls)
but,i feel bad though..hmm..

but sharif,he's nice..ive been changing alot..having lotsa sense now in my head too due to sharif lecturing me alot..hahahaha....sweet..i find he cute in ALL WAYS!!!hahaha...

XOXO~

special edition for my love...

there are simple things that i find sooo amazing,
the simple things that u do,
the simple but amazing things that happen between us..

i love how my heart beats waiting to see u,
i love how u talk sense into me,
i love the way u clench your teeth when u cant resist looking at me,
i love the way u smell,
i love how your smell stick to my palm when we let go of our hands,
i love how your eyes whispers to me saying that u r all mine,
i love it when we talk for hours on the phone,
and how my legs just cant stop moving when im talking to u,
MOST OF ALL, I LOVE BEING IN LOVE WITH U...

i appreciate every single second spending time with u,
i appreciate every moment i spend with u,
and i want to spend the rest of my life,feeling more...

i <3>

in pain and left in pain...

i woke up this morning, with a terrible pain in me, lower part from the chest, terrible terrible pain..i woke up from sleep, not a peaceful sleep, its a freaking scary sleep, but awesome dream, but scary sleep...u understand?hmm..i presume u dont...neway, im in pain right, and i still had to go for my best friends marriage, been running around the whole day, then my head started to feel like my brains were loose...like when i walk, i can feel a terrible vibration in my head, yeah,picture that!!when i sit, i get up gosh the pain comes attacking me like worldwar2 man!!arghh...till now, its 10pm now, i just got back from a wedding, i told my dad that i wanna go to the doctor, he said ask mum about it, so i asked mum, and she said 'u go doctor also what the doctor can do?take medicine onlyyyy'....damn...so yeah, my parents rather loose me than bringing me to the doctor right??so if i die, then only they will realize that im in fucking pain right??? like hellooooo, im the one suffering, of course u dont care right??!!arghhh....

are your parents like that too?

my boyfriend forced me to go to the doctor, now i know why i didnt wanna tell my parents that i wanna go to the doctor, coz telling them, and they saying no, it makes my pain even worse!!bloody hell!!!arghhh...

pern, nix, if i die, show them this post, show my parents this post, tell them, that my body has been disfunctioning alot, and they didnt even care!!!

2 in 1

if a person claims that he or she loves u,
and at the same time, he or she dont have a phone,
dont u think he or she shud try no matter how, to call u?
hurmpp...
maybe he did ran outta love too......

newayz,
this new guy,shariff,he's great...he's just sooo cute..arghh..somehow, he makes me feel like i wanna be a better person, live a greater live, carry on living without hating it, be a real girl(finally)...i mean, seriously, im like, starting to think of 'oh man,what am i gonna wear today?', and ive been singing songs like 'allllways look at the brighttttt side of life'....hahahahaha...omg,im changing...huhu...glad..oh,but imagine me changing, but last time,i always break up with the person when i start to feel that the person ask me to change.hahahaha....wow...WOW...seriously,WOW!!!

oh crap!!

HOLY CRAPPP!!!!

iedrus is back...

and im,FUCKED!!!

DARN DAMN!!!