~PoemTime~

~The Magic Beneath~
-written on the 22nd of March 2010-
*it was written on a Monday, third day after the breakup. I was inspired by the lake I was hanging out at, at the apartment, at Seri Kembangan.*

The lake, the peaceful water,
It dances slowly, gracefully,
The smell of the lake,
Oh how it excites me.

The sun shines on the water,
How beautiful it is,
It's more heart warming than a diamond,
This is it,
The home of many water creatures,
But here I am,
Wondering, pondering alone,
Is there more than the water creatures?
Perhaps a wonderland, beneath the calm waters,
Perhaps a party underwater,
Perhaps a mermaid land,
Perhaps, a magical underwater, yet haven't been touched,
Secretly hiding, smiling happily to be unfound,
Oh, what if they are looking at me?
I should then be at my best look, yes, I should!
And I can, I already felt magic.

~The Call From The Lake~
-written on 22nd of March 2010-

I hear my name being called,
They are calling me,
Softly, soft voices almost a whisper,
"Nathra, Nathra, Come join us"

This is it, I thought,
My chance to be happy and free,
Gracefully swimming side by side with them,
No more thinking to do, no more worrying,
Just be me, wild and free.

But then came a strong wind,
Along with the thunder,
Waking me from my daze,
Realizing me of reality,
"I can't," I answered softly,
"This is my world, this is my choice,
My life is here, I belong on land." 

Then I heard, soft cries,
The nature begin to sound,
The crows begin crowing badly, repeatedly,
But they understood, my choice.


But I know and they know,
My heart will always be with them, 
I am, their warrior, their saviour,
I vow my life to them.

~I am, me~
-written on the 22nd of March 2010-

This is it, this is me,
Im lucky,
Im lucky to own this perfectly good pair of eyes,
To see how beautiful the nature is,
How beautiful the sky and clouds are.
Im lucky to own this perfectly good ears,
To hear the sound of nature,
The sound of birds, the sound of water.
Im lucky to own this perfectly good senses,
To feel the beauty of nature,
The beauty of life.


And I saw, the evil me,
Waving goodbye,
Her part is done, and, I won,
I won my destiny,
I choose to let it be,
I choose to be happy,
All along, I thought others influenced me,
But now, I woke up,
From the 24 years of dreaming.


It's all in my hands,
It's only me who can change my destiny,
It's a new day, it's a new hope,
I am, me.


u kno u love me,
x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#39 - 01.04.2010

~1st.APRIL.2010

Today, I didn't text or call him at all..I have to be strong and move on in life...Move away from him...1st step is to stop texting or calling him!!And I keep telling myself "Nathra,you are a strong independent women, you can do it, you can let him go from your life!!!" But who said I cant post songs for him here right? Like he always say, "LOL" ....

So, today's pick, is Sean Paul feat. Jay Z - Do You Remember?

I've been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn't have to live we could start again...
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back...
(Yo Jay Sing for these ladies!)...
So long since you've been missing
It's good to see you again
How you how you doing
And how about we don't let this happen again...
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Jay Sean Do You Remember
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)...
Yo ay girl yo bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun
When I was still your number one
Well it might seem far-fetched baby girl but it can't be done
I've got this feeling fire blazing and it's hot just like the sun
Know you feel it too my girl just freeze up may the good vibes run ...
Girl take a sip of the champange take a lil trip down my lane my girl
While you noe every night you'll feel alright look I tell you dis girl atta My world
Dont change imma na Rearange Ay girl imma tell you straight dis atta my world
How many years do you want come kiss dis I know you miss this
That's what I heard that's what I heard that's what I heard word girl ...

There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Oh)
Let's bring it back....

And from the Ronan Keating's - Stay, I love this lines...

Why dont u stay, 

im down on my knees, 

Im so tired of being lonely, 

Dont I give you what u need?

Will try to update everyday aite...

p/s: "Happy Aprilfool Day everyone...Happy being fooled!!" - no,i hate to be fooled and i dont fool people..

u kno u love me, 

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#38 - Lyrics for Mr.M...

My number 1 song for him is, Smile, by Uncle Kracker...Coz no matter what, Mr. M always, ALWAYS made me smile...

~SMILE~

You're better than the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip-side of my pillow (that's right)
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
Let's me know that it's okay (yea, it's okay)
And the moments when my good times start to fade....
You make me smile like a sun, Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird, Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile....
Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along just like a flower pokin through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain
And just like that...
Don't know how I lived without you
'Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile...
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh you make me smille
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh you make me smille....

 :)

Brian McKnight songs are really good for a person who's still in love eventhough he/she was dumped/broke up..Here are my selected song lyrics for him...All from Brian McKnight...

~Still In Love~

I think I must be dreaming
That you are here with me
Must have died and gone to heaven
And it's all that I hoped it would be..
When the eagles forget how to fly
When it's twenty below in July
And when violets turn red
And roses turn blue
I'll be still in love with you..
I live to be around you
You take my breath away
Can't help but talk about you
Every night and day...
When eagles forget how to fly
And it's twenty below in July
And when violets turn red
And roses turn blue
I'll be still in love with you...
All I need is you
Need you just to hold me, console me
Over and over.......I love you...
When the eagles forget how to fly
And it's twenty below in July
And when violets turn red
And roses turn blue
I'll be still in love with you
Still in love with you...

~Kiss Your Love Goodbye~

Tell, tell me it isn't so
You say you have your reasons for leaving
You have to go
I watch you turn and walk away
And I'm searching to find
The right words to say
Hoping and praying you'll stay...
So I'll kiss your love goodbye
I guess it wasn't meant to be
I gave my all, you've tried
And now I see
The love caught my eye
I went blind
And now it makes me cry
The only thing I can do
Is kiss your love goodbye...
Why, why should I look deep inside
To find where I went wrong, girl
'Cause after all, you'll still be gone
Oh how I've tried
Though I gave my best to you
You were determined to leave
And there's nothing I can do
Guess that none of my dreams won't come true...
I won't ask you why
(I won't ask you why)
Give me back my pride
'Cause time will mend
The heart that you've broken, baby
I'll let you go
Though I love you so
I'll find a way to kiss your love goodbye...
I guess it wasn't meant to be
I gave my all, you've tried
And now I see
The love caught my eye
I went blind
]Now it makes me cry
The only thing I can do
Is kiss your love
Is kiss your love
Is kiss your love goodbye
Goodbye...

~Till I Get Over You~

I remember the way you used to
Touch me all time
I told you how I was
The luckiest man alive
And now I hear you showin' off
Your new boy, frontin'
Like everything's all right
I'll be damned if I let you know
That I still
Find it hard to sleep at night...
[1] - Outside I'm smiling
Inside I'm crying
I just keep denying
Till I get over you...
Endless times I stayed up
All night, waiting for you to call
Lying to myself
'Cause, you aren't thinking 'bout me at all
My eyes are holding back the tears
My pride won't let you see me act a fool
Cuz I'll be damned if I let you know
That I still feel something for you...
Can't forget the way we touched
(Every day, every night, baby)
And the way we used to make love
(I still remember how it feels)
Baby, but now it's over and you're gone
(I've got to say goodbye)
Because I know, I can't go on without you...

~Show Me The Way Back To Your Heart~
I remember days and nights were never cold
Had you in my life, I had you there to hold
And I remember love warm as a summer day
But I lost you
And I lost my way
Now I'm in the rain
Begging you please, please
Baby, won't you show me the way back to your heart
Let me see a sign to know if I'm close or far
Lead me back to the road
That leads back to your arms
Every night another lonely street
I walk down alone
Searching for a light
Your light to lead me home
Leave a candle in the window
And let it shine for me
Take my hand and take these tears away
I can't take the pain
I'm on my knees begging you please...
Take my hand
Take me in your arms
I'm out in the dark
Down on my knees, begging you please 

~Can You Read My Mind~

When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?
Oh when I look at you
I probably should go
Cause I wanna be with you
More than you'll ever know
Hmm for a taste of you
I could calm my desire
Baby you blow my mind
You light my fire, oh
I want you (yeah)
Need you (yeah)
Can't live without you
When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?
Is it the way I feel?
The curiosity or the things you do
That brings out the lust in me
The thought of me and you, drives me wild
Come close to me
Can you stay awhile?
Hold you, need you
Can't live without you
When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?
When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?
Yeah
Hold you, need you
Can't live without you
When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

~ONE LAST CRY~

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry...
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry...
Cry.....
I was here
You were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry...
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Stop living a lie...
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on
And on ....
And on ....
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Been living a lie...
I guess I'm down,
I guess I'm down,
I guess I'm down...
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

Yeah..Im gonna back off now, stop haunting him and his life, stop sad pathetic messages begging him to come back..Im so tired...But if he could see, that Im just a girl, standing in front of him, asking him to be mine, even just for a while...and if he could see, that every second with him is a precious moment for me...But what can I say, I tried, I fought for this love, but now, I gave up...Im too tired...If it's writen that he'd be with me for a while more, then no matter what, he'd still be with me for a while more,But if it's writen that he will be gone, then he will be gone...So, I'll put it in God's hands...After all, he will always be in my heart..Everything happens for a reason, so, this break up, there must be a reason to it..But, no matter what happens in life, as long as we breathe, we must keep getting up, and move ahead for the future..:)

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#37 - real bullshyt!!

I thought to myself,

Here I am,

Feeling so sad,

Unable to even have the feel of wanting to look at a man,

Unable to even think of the word fun,

And there he is,

Having fun..

Going ahead with his life...

Shit...

Then I tell myself, 

WTF?!?!

bullshitting 101~#35 - The YM note to my dearest love...

26.March.2010

i couldnt resist myself from not telling him what my heart feels.i didnt want to text or call him,so,through YM,i sent him this long message.it came from my heart.

yes,i still wish he'd come back to me for a while more. each time my phone rang, be it msg or phonecall,my heart beats faster than a F1 car.every morning when i wake up, i question myself if it was a dream or not.but, i realize, it was a reality. he will never come back to me. and i have to let him go. i am strong. i know i can do it.so nathra, let him go, kiss him goodbye.

hello,hi,i need to tell u d truth.the truth is,1st,im sorry,i was so angry bcoz u dumped me now,not b4 u leave to yemen.there is a big difference u dump me now n u dump me later.plus,i just wanted to feel love for a while more.but,its ok.im recovering now.but yes,i do miss u so much.n still love u so much.i kno u wont talk to me ever again.mayb that's d best.for me to forget u.but u kno what,i think u're a coward for not being able to go thru that pain,coz i took d challenge,but u didnt.and i think u dont love me anymore.and maybe,i wasnt even sure of wanting to marry u.but,i was sure that i did love u.but nvm,im sure God has plans for all of us.and im sure,i will get to go thru this,eventhough it hurts so much u leaving me just like that now.

 but,i want to assure u,coz i like to be assured,assure u that i would have totally be fine if u left me later,now,im hurt,yes,bcoz i didnt expect this at all.but i shud have seen it coming.all the signs,of u,wanting to break up with me.u wanted to break up a long time ago,am i right.haha.but whatever it is,i tried not to miss u,i tried not to love u,i tried not to think of u,i tried to be angry at u,but i just cant.n evryday,i pray,that u will change ur mind n come back to me for a while more,but i know,that is just my imagination,it wont happen.but,want u to kno,i miss ur smell,ur smile,the sex,ur love,ur skin,ur sweat,ur hands,ur hair,ur style,ur heart,ur voice,basically,i miss the whole u.take gud care of urself.remember,love ur wife no matter what,n never toy with her heart.

and thank u,for being the best boyfriend ever,thank u for giving me love when i needed it so badly,eventhough u taken it away frm me now(hehe),but the most is,thank u,for being u,for being happy.im glad at one point,i did make u happy n u made me happy.thank u.goodbye mohamed,goodbye baby.u'll always be in my heart.

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#34 - Live diary

18.January.2010.

~ A man, came into my life, gave me happiness, gave me love, changed my life, made me a whole new person, made me believe in love, made me change my perspective over sex, basically, he changed my life and made me smile again.

20.March.2010.

~ That man, whom was suppose to be with me a while more, before he get back to reality of marrying someone else(arranged marriage), DUMPED ME. He said, he could not lie to himself, lie to me. Eventhough I made my choice, knowing that he cant marry me, I told him, its occay, as I accepted that fact, I accepted the fact that, I only have appoximately 3more months to be with him, happily in love, but...he took it away. Cruel, evil, wishing badly to hate him, yet, I couldnt. But then, I tried and tried, I guess its no use. Maybe he didnt know, he was,to me, the strength, courage and bravery to face the world. And yes, I was already so madly deeply in love with him. And from what he said, he loves me very much too. But, why say 'before we fall more deeply and hurt ourselves more'? Hmmm...Nevermind, let that be it...Ive said it once,to a guy,Im gonna say it again,here, 'I love him, and I will always love him, till I draw my last breath.' But, i have once learnt, that, 'if you love someone, you gotta learn to let the person go.' So, I will...

20.March.2010.

~ After all that commotions, crying, blablabla, I went home. And if you readers read my post before this, you will know, I was already feeling way lower than depressed, and the break up was a real wrong timing thingy. So, I was at home, mom and dad noticed something different, coz I went to bed early, sitting in the dark, tears flowing automatically, brains was thinking more than usual, dizziness due to the bottle of beer. I made my decision. Ive decided to talk to dad. Well, why not mom? Occay, the reason is because, talking to a women, is not as easy as talking to a men. K? : ) Well, before that, let me remind you, I may not have written this in my blog, but i wrote it on facebook. Ive finally found my dream job, to be a photographer with National Geography and to also have my very own 'Kid's Arts & Craft Centre'...It may not be a big dream to you readers, but to me, its way bigger than big. Its my passion. Working anywhere near animals. Teaching kids(people said i have the patience to teach kids, i gave tuitions bfore :D ) So, now, Im waiting till Tuesday comes, Im gonna talk to my daddy, it's my only chance. I cant take the pain of lying to myself, what more, lying to them. I SHOULD HAVE done this a long time ago, but only now, after the break up, I decided to take actions for myself. I shouldnt rely on anyone anymore, what more, cling on to the word 'LOVE'...Since daddy is good at business, mommy is good with registrations and stuff(she had her own kindergarden) and Im good at teaching and also at arts and crafts, Im sure, if we three joined our talents together, we can be on top. YES. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!! But honestly, I cant study anymore, Im done with it.

22.March.2010.

~ Moha, a really nice friend of mine, is gonna leave on this date, meaning, today. He helped me alot when I had ups and downs with that man I loved and have lost. Moha, is simply a great friend. I hope to meet him again, someday, somewhere, in future. I love him very much (as friends). I wish him all full luck for his future. And that I will always be there for him, through ups and downs, through happiness and sadness, I will always be there for him, and I will forever be his friend, good friend, best friend, a shoulder to cry on.

23.March.2010.

~ This date, marks it all. Im gonna talk to my dad. Like adults. Wish me luck guys!!

* As we go on, we remember, all the times we've, spent together..I just wanted to spend every last minute I had before the time comes with him...But its ok Nathra, you love him, you gotta let....him......GO. *

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#33 - The happenings...

I never thought it would be this hard...

Why is it always unfair?

Why?

1) I love him so much..I would do anything for him(SERIOUSLY,ANYTHING!!but not stupid things la..haha)..Time is running out...but why cant we be like we use to be?happy...or is it true that once men make a girl fall deeply in love,then they are not scared of loosing her?hmmm...i was scared of loosing him..but now..he made me feel like im the worst girlfriend ever..and he just proved that i can never be in a nice relationship..honestly readers,im a girl,i started dating at the age of 16,now im 24,but i already have almost 30 ex bfs..WTF rite??hmmm...

2) Parents..why cant they have planning for their kid's future before having the kids?hmmm...or at least,make the right decisions whether or not to have kids more than they can afford?hmm...not informing the kid 'malaysia,or any other country,where r we gonna find the money to send u to study?' FUCK MONEY LA!!!because of money,my dreams are broken..my life has officially ended..coz i dont have the mood,courage and effort to study or to go US anymore!!!

3) Im feeling like shit..super depressed...way lower than the word depressed...shootsss...i swear,if my house has a gun, the bullet is sooo gonna go through my head...then i'll be free from the world..only gonna have to worry bout whats gonna happen in hell..hahaha...yeah,im definately gonna go to hell..huhu...

yeah...that's few happenings that's going on in my life, on my effing head, all at the effing same time!!!haihhh...the rest is bout my sister, self issues and education...hmm..

got to go now...thanks for reading!! : )

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#32- Understanding love

L-O-V-E

What do we understand from this four letter word? Does it only mean l-o-v-e, or does it actually has a meaning?Well, from my understanding, there are two kind of love, love that actually mean very deep or love just for the sake of saying...

LOVE:

 1) Love and a relationship, cannot be started based on lies.

 2) Love is a big thing, it is when 2 people, has deep feelings for each other.

 3) Love won't work if you cheat.

 4) Love can be pretty painful, for example, when you love a person so much,truly n madly,but the person hurt you by lying or cheating,even if it is just a small white lie.

 5) Love in a relationship, need to have trust, without trust, there's no point in being in love with each other.

 6) Love can be pretty confusing, for example, sometimes, we confuse our self with love,like and fling.

 7) Love can be very very deep indeed.

 8) Love is pure and true.

 9) Love is when you and your partner, share everything together, no shyness, no secrets.

10) Love sometimes is just a game, it's up to you to play and tackle it right.

11) There's two kind of love in this world - 'puppy love' n 'matured love'.

12) Love doesn't only mean 'SEX'.

13) Love doesn't only mean love for partner, it can also be for anything, from living things to objects.

14) Love is somehow a special feeling, tickling your heart, making it so excited and nervous at the same time.

15) Love can also be addictive, for example, a person can be dependent on it.(dangerous)

16) Love is not a thing to play around with.

17) Love can also be love for God.

18) Love can cure hearts, it can change a person from being sad or depressed to being happy.

19) Love can be blind, it can be anyone you will fall in love with.

20) Love is sometimes, lame, dumb and stupid.

So, now, what is your understanding of love? Hmmm... Don't you think love is one hell of an amazing thing, but damn complicated at the same time?

Hahaha...

you know you love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#31 - Scared.

This is life, feeling scared is something that can't be separated with human beings. Therefore, I have that feeling too. Its killing me inside. Im so scared....

Im scared of:

• Loosing the man I currently love so much.
• Loosing my precious relationship with my sister.
• Loosing my family.
• This lack of motivation feeling that I'm feeling which is bringing me down in studies.
• Not being able to achieve my dreams to go to the U.S. to be a photographer with National Geographic and nudity photographer freelance/with Playboy.
• Being alone in this evil world.
• Loosing all my babies(Cats,Tortoises n Fishes).
• Being a loser.
• Being a sad pathetic person I use to be,again...
• Hurting the heart of the man I love.
• Missing people alot, coz it makes me cry.
• L.O.V.E.
• Going crazy and loosing my mind.
• Having anger management issues.
• Loosing my husband(I don't know who that is gonna be) coz I hate sex.
• being so scared...

There's many more points that I can type, but I rather not bore all of you readers :)

"Fears need to be faced with bravery"

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#30 - damn damn bz...

hello readers...

Well, 1stly, I would like to apologize, for not updating my blog, for such a long time. Since I came back from AbuDhabi (beautiful n peaceful place), everything is just so messed up. Ive been too busy. I only have time for my facebook.haha..Anyway, here's the updates...

I went twice, to abudhabi, i went, i came back, i spent the worst one week in malaysia, then i flew to abudhabi again. hahaha...thanks to my sister for the expenses. the trip, it was beautiful. i never thought UAE would be such a beautiful country. im loving abudhabi, and winter in UAE was awesome! COLD,BUT NO SNOW!!haha..

I came back on the 5th of January 2010. and classes started on the 6th. haha...So, the 1st week of college was like, "aha,whatever...boring..blablabla..." then came then 2nd week, gosh, a lil heavy...and when the 3rd week came, i was like 'shittt,die die die...' (so much of wanna change into a positive person yeah?haha)

Then......lalala....came the cheezy part...haha..I met someone...on facebook...who's now my boyfriend...its such a coincident ok...that he's Arab..he's from Yemen..haha..and,from what i see, and what my bestfriend(N) and my cousin(R) see, he loves me alot..dunno la how it goes..im feeling a lil hard to trust and to give in fully these days..maybe bcoz of Ied..haha..

Oh,not forgetting...I told my parents about my sister(the best sister anyone could ever have)...and my sister found out...now..she's not talking to me..she said 'I NEVER WANT TO KNOW YOU EVER AGAIN!!GET OUT FROM MY FUCKING LIFE!!' shit...i miss her so much...oh T, i wish i could hug and say that i miss u so much..look readers,dont judge me wrong ok..my intention was pure and true...i was trying to save her..i guess, she wants to drown in her own mistakes forever, fine then!!hahaha...

So readers, that's a lil update for you guys...im really sorry for not updating this blog..Soon yeah?hehehe...Im trying my best to do well this year...its my final year..one year only..coz i have a target..my target is to study in US next year..therefore, no failing..no hanky panky stuff..hehe..but i will do keep updating once in a while..In the mean time, please bare with me!!!

x.o.x.o.,

you know you love me,

-nathra-

To my lovely loyal readers ;)

Hello there people,
Well,im just writing this post to apologize to all you loyal and kind readers, for not updating my blog for quite some time now.
Ive been darn busy since end of nov till now.
Last minute plans..
Travelled alone on the plane, 4times..
Travelled to abudhabi,TWICE..
Had the best holiday in my life,being with my sister..
Will update soon yeah..
But for now, just hang in there, be patient, and take care..
Not forgetting, HAPPY NEW YEAR, but for me, what's new?nothing is new for me..haha..

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#29 - CHANGING MYSELF!!!

yesterday, i had a talk with a friend..

well,finally,someone actually did make me realize that i shud change myself..

i hate this person i am now, i wanna be the person i was before i became this ugly monster..haha..

Today, i woke up feeling happy, feeling grateful to be alive...

i have a long way more to go, and im gonna make it right!!

people, you gotta love yourself!!!yes!!and i will love myself..God didnt gave me life for nothing right?..hehe...

well, remember readers, "The climb is a struggle, BUT, the view up there, is awesome!!!"

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#28

Well, hello there readers..Today, i did this psychology personality test on facebook, i usually do those quiz when im bored,and just for fun..but gosh, this quiz said some true stuff about me...so,the result is below here, for u to know a lil more info about me..hehe..well,its all true except for the last 2 points ok..ehehe...

Dear Nathra Nd, below are your PSYCHOLOGY PERSONALITY test result:

You love the crowd... a party animal! Too many “friends”, you can’t easily tell which among them is real and not...

You’re usually expressive... Open about your emotions and most of the time willing to talk about it.

You love deeply... you may flirt along and people think you’re a playboy/playgirl but the truth is: your heart belongs to only one.

You appreciate simple things in life... You hate complicating things that’s why you’re typically up-front in any aspect.

You’re an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend... You don’t care if your partner doesn’t really love you as long as you love him/her. You give your all...

You’re intimidating! People have an impression that you’re elite—or if not, you simply look sophisticated. You gain praises but not companions.

You’re independent! You’re also risky just like the bajaken who sail in the vast and dangerous ocean to look for treasures!




u know u love me,
x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#27

i've always been the kind of girl,

that hid my face,

so afraid to tell the world,

what i've got to say,

but i have a dream,

right inside of me,

gotta let it show,

it's time, to let you know...

yes...this is me..

im just someone,

looks more like you,

but,

my character,

geez...i think im actually an alien sent down from God..

hahaha...

sometimes, i feel like im God's joke..

it's always trouble when it comes to me..haha..

troubles and problems are the two main thing that cannot be separated with me..

it's like a curse,somehow..

yes,of course sometimes i wish life cud be pretty normal,

but then, i realize,

if there are no troubles and problems,

i wouldnt be streetsmart as i am right now...

i think i know a whole lot more ways to deal with stuff than most of normal person wud do..

hmmmm...

only, sometimes, in some things, i choose to be stupid and to be ignorant..hehehe...

well what's this post is all about?

i really dont know too...its just another of those bullshitting101..haha..

p/s: DEAR FLASH, I MISS YOUR COMMENTS...

u know u love me,

-xoxo-

-This Is Me-

Sometimes,

As I sit up on my bed,

I would cry so hard,

So hard that I couldn't feel my tears...

Sometimes,

As I think to myself,

I would get so confused,

So confused that I just can't think anymore...

Sometimes,

As I fall in love,

I would love so much,

So much that I could feel my heart cries...

Sometimes,

As I get hurt,

I would get hurt so badly,

So badly that I feel like breaking things...

Sometimes,

As I get upset,

I would feel so sad,

So sad that I wish to go as far as I could...

Sometimes,

As I face the mirror,

I would feel so regretful and pity,

So regretful and pity that I would question myself, 'Why did I turn into a bad monster?'

Sometimes, I wish there were more happiness to life,

Sometimes, I wish I could just be naked and show my trueself,

Sometimes, I wish I could turn back the time,

Sometimes, I wish to be someone else,

Sometimes, I wish that I was unborn,

Sometimes, I wish to go far away, to a place where Im a complete stranger to everyone,

Sometimes, I wish this climb of life wouldn't be so hard,

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so different than all of you,

Sometimes, I wish I would wake up one day thinking that all that has happen throughout my life was just a dream, a bad dream.

But then, sometimes,

To think about all this,

I am just, me...

We are all unique in our own ways,

Sometimes, maybe,

We should just accept it all,

Strengthen up, and suck it up like a soldier,

But then,

I am who I am,

I am, ME...

written on 5th November 2009,

at 8am

u know u love me,

xoxo

bullshitting 101~#26

well,

here we go again..

"love" topic again...

currently, i feel like me and him, is not gonna go anywhere...

currently, i feel like i cud smell breakup around the corner...

currently, i dont know if i shud carry on loving him or not...

currently, i like how we are, but, it's a lil bit too much of 'just frens'..

currently, im just going with the flow...

i trust him..

i hope it will last longer than my previous relationshipSSS...

well,

let's just sit back, relax, and see how things go...

rite?

hahahaha...

u know u love me,

xoxo

bullshitting 101~#25

well,

it's not only one person who told straight to my face...

but....here's the thing...

23years ive been living, i still dont know what love means...

7 years of my dating life, i've choose to be stupid...

23years ive been living, what i want, i have to have it...

7years of my dating life, i got almost all the men that i wanted.:)

23years ive been living, ive been growing up with the belief that 'happy family' dont exist...

7years of my dating life, i was hard like a rock, cannot be hurt..only past 2years ive became soft...

23years ive been living, it was all deep confusing sadness...

7 years of my dating life, i've always fall too fast, then hate too fast too...

blablabla,it goes on and on...

well,somehow people, have u ever known someone who knows what he/she is going into,but yet, they just chose to pretend blind...i have...i know that person too well...because,she is,me...

but then again, what if this is all fated? That karma will be catching up with me a lil too many times? That this pain i feel over and over again, is something to repay the sins ive done?

Well,i aint a perfect muslim...But at least ive quit drinking...That's a good start rite? And maybe i will have my heart closed soon?Who knows rite? And smoking will stop too maybe? Hmm...

This is just game of life, i know im making mistakes, but, somehow, if i dont go thru all this mistakes,and more yet to come, when will i learn..rite?

But thank u everyone, for ur concern...=)

I hope i didnt hurt any reader's feelings...",

u know u love me,

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#24..continuation of post #23..

mari kita semua jadi dewasa sekarang,

or mungkin,

aku dah buat keputusan,

i will berfikiran matang now,

i will trust him, takpe la if i get hurt, but so far, its going fine..

but i dont dare to put full hope on it..

so, lets just play along, kalau hubungan aku ngan dia lama, eloklah,

kalau xlama, xpe, teruskan usaha cari baru..hehe..

p/s: im falling for him...

to you...yes,you..you know who you are...

Maybe you were too blind to see,

What I was trying to do,

Look and open your eyes and see properly,

Ive been trying all along to patch things up with you,

I guess you was just too interested with your 'love' that you went blind..

The next day, I didnt even said hie to you, was because I was so hurt,

I got so pissed, I got so mad, therefore, I lost my mind...

Yes, so I heard, you tried to say hello to me,

What, I thought it only took 1second to say the word hello, but it took you so long to do so...

I had enough..This cold war that has been going on for too long now, has to come to an end...

Im not sure if you're reading this, but I hope you do...

I want you, to forget everything that i've done,

now think of what you have done...

I really did try, all along, eventhough i gave up at one point, but i keep telling myself, dont waste the special friendship that i had with you once before...but you didnt care much...

So, now, Im telling you, yes YOU, this war, has ended, i have other wars to handle, i will forget every special friendship moments i had with you, and please do the same too. Thank you..

p/s: Yes, I know I owe you some money, I will pay it, but please give me time till i work to pay you..your cooperation is much appreciated. Thank you.

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#23

menangis aku terfikirkan benda ni dan ketika menulis ni...

aku ada teman lelaki...

tp, aku rasa sedih, dengan benda2 dia bwat...sabar mmg la aku sabar...aku trime je apa je yang dia bwat..sbb aku percayakan dia..tp,at one point tu, i just dont know who to trust...i have another source saying yang dia playboy...and byk benda yang menunjukkan kata2 itu betul, tapi, aku percayakan dia kot..cuma,mmg r ada masa kengkadang aku rasa cam diperbodohkan gak..hmmm..

now,bila ada ayat dari dia yang mengatakan dia perlukan seseorang yang memahami dia, aku terasa..walaupun dia slalu kata tu hanya main2 jer....tapi,aku pun ada perasaan kot...mungkin,sbb tu la slalu org kata yang lelaki ni tidak berperasaan dan perempuan plak emotional lebih..hmmm...weh,tapi mmg sakit gile kot..selama ni,aku sabar je,sbb aku faham his wants and his needs...but tetibe kuar ayat camtu..perghh..sakit kot hati..hmm..tapi,aku xbtaw dia..mungkin salah aku la kan?

anddd,mungkin korang akan kata aku ni bodoh sbb masih bertahan pas korang baca ape aku nak tulis ni,tp,aku telah belajar yang 'i shouldnt quit something i started' ....well, ramai gile pompuan, tanye dia, dia single ke x, he always say he single...perghh..terbakar je jiwa kot...i mean, yes, aku sayang dia, dia kata dia syg..tapi,benda2 camni,membuatkan aku rasa cam, dia ni mmg playboy sejati,or dia malu nak ngaku dia ada gf or what?katanya dia xnak kecoh2...eh,aku terpk la kan aritu, kalau kita menjawab soalan org ttg status relationship kita,kononnya kita jawab 'yes i dah berpunya', itu kecoh ke namanya?pada aku,tu hanya menjawab soalan je kot...

kengkadang, aku rasa, asal aku ni bodoh sgt? bape kali lagi karma nak kenakan aku? cukup r aku kecewa dah berkali2...sakit gile kot rasa...kengkadang,pk balik,mungkin mmg single lah benda paling hebat yg pernah berlaku dlm hidup aku..hmmm...i wish he cud understand me instead of saying i dont understand him when i do...patheticnyerrr dunia percintaan aku kan?hmmm

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#22

aku tertanya tanya la kan,

nape ek?

nape sebenarnya kita merasakan yang hidup ni susah?

tapi,

kalau kita buka mata kita dan lihat ke sekeliling kita,

kita akan sedar,

yang sebenarnya idop ni lebey hebat dari apa yang kita lihat..

hmmm...

ni la yang aku sedar baru2 ni..

masalah semua,

hanya dicipta oleh diri kita sendiri..

hehehe...

korang pk la sendiri ek...

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#21

im sitting here,

and i cud see her staring straight into my eyes,

it's like she's reading what's on my mind..

her big round eyes,

stared straight into my naked eyes,

the stare was going thru my body,

and went straight for my brains,

the stare that lasted for about 10seconds..

then she turned away,

something else catched her mind away..

then she jumped down the table and left,

and yes,

that was the 10second stare from her,

my cat...

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#20

i dont get it,

i totally dont get it...

i dont get what i dont get..

hmmm..

do u get it?

i dont get it too...

its all about the get get this days eh?

but i really dont get what im suppose to get?

ha?

blurr...

bullshitting 101~#19

actually,

after few months of my break up with ied,

im feeling soooooooooo lucky that it ended...

to think about it now,

how stupid i was then..hahahaha...

funny funny...

bullshitting 101~#18

story 1:

A Mother came home one day after few weeks staying in her married daughter's house. And she was so happy to come home, that she asked her husband and her daughter to go for lunch with her, as she was also so hungry. But her husband and daughter was very tired, that they slept(tido mati), and she got so mad...

story2:

A father, who was so tired looking after his 98year old mother, slept in the afternoon, the day his wife came home, and ignored his wife's request to go for lunch.

story3:

Daughter, who has her own insomnia problems(well, sort of),who was having troubles sleeping at night, didn't slept that day, and she drove all the way to her sister's house in Ampang from Kajang just to pick her mother up because her mother had to go to Cheras,JUST TO SIGN A CHEQUE, and drove her mother back to their home, and had to send her mother back to Ampang again in the evening. So, she accidentally fell asleep in the afternoon at home, and she slept so soundly(tido mati) that she couldnt wake up when her mother asked her to go lunch with her.

Story4:

After few days....

Mother is angry and sulking at her husband.

Father is angry and sulking at his wife, for no reason, well apparently, he said that his wife left without telling him, but his daughter heard her mother saying that she's going to Ampang(in a super angry way).

Daughter is stuck in the middle of her father's and mother's arguements. Silly silly arguements!!

The moral of the story:

FUCKING HELL WEHH, I AM YOUR DAUGHTER, NOT YOUR PUNCHING BAG!!thanks alot for teaching me all this shit!!

*Parents of the world, if you have a small lil stupid silly problem, don't let it out on your children. Even if you have a major huge problem, don't share it with your children. You are the adults here, so go figure it yourself!*

The end

-xoxo-

Title: Persoalan III

Sepinya,

Perasaan tanpa sesiapa,

Sunyi ku didalam duniaku sendiri,

Hanya ditemani nadi pernafasanku,

Kegelapan membutai penglihatanku..

Tatkala di dalam kesunyian dan kesepian ini,

Persoalan masih menghantui pemikiranku,

Persoalan yang masih ku belum ketahui jawapannya dari dulu,

Diriku meronta-ronta,

Ku ingin dijawab,

Aku tidak mahu dihantui persoalan-persoalan ini,

Aku sudah penat berfikir..

Tapi ku pasti,

Duniaku akan kembali terang,

Seperti dulukala ketikaku masih belum kenali dunia sebenar,

Dan ku pasti,

Persoalan itu akan terjawab..

Title: Hmmmm....

Confused,

Should I give in fully,

Or should i hold back,

My feelings...

It hurts to be hurt,

It hurts to love,

The pain that spread in my vains,

Should I fall in love again?

Scared,

Scared to fully trust,

Scared to move on,

But if I don't carry on,

When will I meet 'the one'?

Hmmmm.....

7:35A.M. of 2nd OCT 2009

As I lay on my bed,

Eyes wide open,

The clock shows 7:35am now,

Haven't slept the while night,

And by now,

Flash back from the past haunts my vision,

All the sins I've done,

Towards God, towards my family and towards people that I know(friends),

It all haunts me now,

Then questions cam up next,

Will I be forgiven for all this sins?

Will I be someone better?

It all came like the pourdown of rain,

Then my eye blinked,

And it all went away....

bullshitting 101~#17

kadangkala, kehidupan ni, xdalah indah mana pun,

dan keinginan kita, xkesampaian,

dugaan dugaan,terpaksa kita lalui,

untuk apa semua tu?

haa,sebenarnya, semua dugaan tu, diberi Allah S.W.T.

untuk lihat kekuatan dan ketabahan kita,

dan juga, semua tu, menjadikan kita lebey kuat dan tabah...

sakit tu memanglah sakit,

kalau xrasa kesakitan tu, camne kita nak kuat and tabah,tul x?

just like, kalau dah terhantuk, baru nak sedar,

kita, kalau xkena skali, kita xkan sedar kan?

dah terkena, baru sedar, tul x?

actually, post kali ni,

aku pun xtau ni boleh membantu korang2 ke tak la,hehe..

tapi, maybe it can put some sense in your head la..hmm..

well, 23 taun aku hidup,

about 1st half tu, it was all pure happiness la,

the other half tu, dah mula brubah, jadi smakin perit..hehe..

maybe, sbb, as we grow older, we know more shit bout life kan?

hmmm..

we grow and we can think on our own,

we see what's happening around us..

maybe sebab tu gak lah, i have gone thru pahit manis kehidupan la kononnyer..

haha..

well, its 5.23am now,

been having hard time to sleep past few weeks,

somehow, facebooking and chatting made me wanna write this post..huhu..

neway, that's all i guess for now..

will update again..

oh,btw, ive been thinking of having another blog la,

photography blog..hmmm...so, wait for that blog la ye peeps..

u know u love me,

-xoxo-

news flash about ied~

well,

after few months of breaking up,

i told my friend who is his neighbour to tell him that i want to give back his stuff,

and i gave my friend the script..hehe..

also,to ask if he wants me to give him directly the stuff (so that i could meet him) or if he wants her to just pass it to him..

and sadly, he wanted her to pass it to him...

wow,

and till today,

i still wonder,

what did i do wrong that he didnt even looked at my face that day that he dumped me..

but then again,

i am coping up with it all

im doing quite well now forgetting him..

i'd say, i forgotten him about,ermmm,70% now..

that's good right?hmmm..

but still, the question is bothering me,

what the fuck did i do wrong..

see readers, i just need to know my mistake, so that, i wont repeat the same mistake with others..

we do learn from mistake right?but how am i gonna learn if i dont even know that mistake..?

hahahaha...hmm..

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#16

MEN

my topic today is->MEN

they are the the dangerous creatures of the world

they are like fire, we, girls, should not play around with them

when the fire is small, they are friendly

but when it goes big, they kill you in just a split of a second

they are also like chipsmore biscuit, 'now you see,now you dont'

they come as they like, and they go as they like

they are just there to break hearts

to use us girls as their toy

they are hard as a rock

they have no feelings or what so ever

they are also, simply, dumb

unless you have a heart as a rock, do not play around with men

they can kill!!

this post, is actually, bout what i feel..

recently, i have a new friend, and of course, its a 'he'

after few days of being friends with him,

i seemed to be confused with him.

see, finally today, i got to view his full profile,

and, i see that he somehow flirts with god knows how many girls

and yes, he has the looks, he's cute,

then today also, finally i gotten to know that he likes me too,

but then,

i started to wonder again,

is it true?

if it is true, then why must he flirt with other girls right?

then i came to a conclusion,

that, he is just that kind of men whom i think, looks for the best.

but then again,

isn't it dumb to admit something if you are not sure of it?

HAIHHHH...

Therefore, i found out, that, MEN ARE SIMPLY STUPID.

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#15

recently, there's just so many things that is and has changed in my life..

1st, i feel so much hatred in someone i use to know...so much that i dont even care and i dont even wanna hear a single thing bout the person. it annoys me to even think bout that person, what more to hear news bout that person...

2nd, im recovering from the breakup..im kindda coping up very well so far.. soon, i know i'll be able to go find him, look him in the eye and give his teeshirt back..huhu...

3rd, ive became an aunt to a beautiful baby boy at 8.20pm on the 15th of september 2009, my sister gave birth..awwww...but because i heard her shout, shoots,im thinking twice bout getting married in future now...ngeeeee...

4th, 1st day of my class, advertising visual, i have already felt so difficult..well, i hope i can go thru it..hmm..

5th, Eid celebration is justttt around the corner, im so excited for the money and the visiting and the eating, butttt, i feel something is missing, she's my heart, the one i grew up with, the one i rest my head on when we go for far trips, the one who i first called when i had my 1st menstrual cycle, the one who played with me always, she's like my twins even though she's older than me...tasha..hmm..i miss her loads..she's in abudhabi now..hmm..maybe i feel sad because already i had to celebrate without her for 4 years..and now,again? haihhh...sad sad...

neway, my brains are not functioning sooo well now to write more nonsense..hehehe...so,later ya...

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#14

yes,

im still hurt with him leaving me just like that,

yes,

i still miss and love him and can't seem to easily fall in love again with other guys,

yes,

i've change since he left,

yes,

im still wishing he would come back to me...

no,

i will not give up easily on life just because he left,

no,

i won't be the same person i was before,

no,

i won't forget him, ever,

no,

i will not quit everything just because my relationship failed..

the yes's and the no's i vow..

i will be a better me through all this failure...

-xoxo-

bullshitting 101~#13 - STILL HOLDING ON!!

well, 8th september 2009, my new life starts here, again...

im entering 3rd year of college diploma life..

honestly, i still can't believe i lasted that long in college..due to the past and laziness..hehe..

but yeah, eventhough i've complained so much about how hard and how much i hate studying, but it's amazing, i'm still proud to say, im still a college student bebeh!!woohoo..and booyaa to all of you who didn't thought i'd make it this far!!hehe...

and, here, i would like to say, im still standing still holding on to that thin thread, and i will last till i finish my degree and masters no matter what!!!weeeeehoooo!!!

-xoxo-