bullshitting 101~#91 -Life updates

Woah...


Feels sooo long since I logged on here.


Well, no, I never forgotten that I have a bloglife. LOL. I've been busy.


Here's the updates.

1) OMG, work? Damn, I should have studied super hard in high school so I could work with animals now instead of the lame art world. Haih. Art actually don't even matter in my life. -REGRETS.


2) My work? Well it's ok lah. My superiors are treating me fine. My graphic design 'sifu', well I call him sifu coz he's my senior and he's like super fast at work. WOAH!!I'm so jealous of his great talent. But there is this si pendek who's so effing annoying and I hate her so much that I can puke in her car, on her face, and this is just not normal puke, it's blood puke!!URGH! Yes, that is how much I hate her. Haha. My friend cik L, I like to be friends with her. She's nice. And also cik G, she's sweet. Part of me feels like quitting, like giving up. But, I'm not a quitter, I only say the word 'quit', like a million times, but I never had the guts to do it. Haih..Dunno lah. My sister and bro in law ask me to quit. I mean, seriously, what kind of workplace don't even support your medical bills..HAIH...Damn, I'm lost. If I quit, I don't think I would wanna stay in the design world. I wanna work with animals SOOO BADLY!!!


3) At this age, my hearts beats even faster when I think of animals. My love for animals is becoming too strong that even I myself is so afraid. Shhh. This is a secret and you readers are the 1st to know. When I see those dead carcasses lying helplessly on the road, OMG, I could stand it. The more I see, the more I wanna lock myself in a dark room forever. Is that possible?Coz I would love to do it. Last month, in April, I saved a helpless little kitten from the road, she was just waiting for death to happen. I brought her home, Dad scolded me, Mom did too, but I rather get all the scoldings than just leaving the kitten behind. If you readers saw what I saw, you'd do the same thing. And even till today, I can never get that picture out of my head, it's like a broken record playing over and over again. Anyway, she's healthy now, and she's like a little devil. Seriously. Everyone has scratches all over. LOL.


4) My baby Abang(Arrow), he's super old. He's so skinny, seriously, like just bones and skin and fur. Yesterday I saw his picture when he was so healthy, I just cried. I would rather have his sickness than letting him have his sickness. He can't even walk straight anymore. :'( 


5) Since my Apuchi left this world, I'm missing her. Hmm. I wish she was still around. :(


6) My graduation will be happening this Saturday. OMG! Scary. What should I do on that day. ARGHHH!!!

Anyway, my lappie's battery is running low. Will update real soon. Promise..hehehe..

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#90 - OH MY GOD! It's been a month working & OMG, I met IED!!

Wow!!!


I can't believe that it's been a month now since I've started working. Who knew this 'Miss I wanna do nothing when I grew up' is in the adult's world, also known as the working world. Haha. So the ka-chings are now lying safely in the bank, but yesterday I had to take out some(which seem SOOO MUCH) to pay for my car loan. DAMN lah...After taking it out, my mind just went crazy thinking 'omg, what if it's not enough to support me for a month?' Aiyoo..Scared...


OMG!!Yesterday, also, 5th April 2011, I met the one person I have been looking for, talking about, searching for ever since 2009! IED! Yeap, I met him yesterday, FINALLY! Haha. So he gained weight. Wow, for a policeman who use to have the perfect hot bod, now having a belly and so, shit, it's sooo not hot ok! But WTH lah right, I've gained weight too(BUT IM JUST A G.D.,NOT A EFFING POLICE!), nevermind lah, whatever lah right? hehe. Coz I still like him just the way he is. But, now it's too early to say things, whether I'm in a relationship or not, even though he said yes yesterday, but then, men will always be men, a lying machine(no offense). HA-HA-HA!! He said I will get to meet him again today, but let's see how things goes, especially since he has turned his phone off. What? Is this the 1st sign? Haha..We'll see.....Let time tells it all.


So, that's the latest update lah readers. Nothing new, nothing old. But fresh from the oven stories though. LMAO~ 


p/s: Abang Arrow(my cat, my son) is so old now. Weak bones. Can't walk perfectly even though his appetite is just extremely over perfect, but he's so skinny. I hope he will live long. My prayers goes to my cats that they will live long and healthy, to my tortoise and the eggs she laid - that the eggs will hatch, AND TO ALL THE ANIMALS IN THIS CRUEL WORLD THAT ARE BEING KILLED, ABUSED, RUN-OVER BY VEHICLES!!MAY GOD BLESS YOUR SOULS!


u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#89 - Working Life...And brains that can't seem to forget IED. URGH.

WOAH!!!

I survived work of 2weeks yaw...Work is fun lah..Stress comes along the way once in a while of course, owh come on, tell me which work place has no stress. But apart from stress, Im starting to get the hang of it. Work mates are awesome people. I love them. They are really fun and awesome. Work is sort of free and easy, not much pressure. Food? Well, we found a shop that has RM5.90 buffet weh.. That's damn cheap..WOOTWOOT!! Haha...

OHH!!!

Anywayz, for as long as I've worked, that is also the amount of time IED has been on my darn mind. URGHHH!!!I'm still not getting a hang of it ok!! Starting to hate it. What kind of person says he loves you, but never do a single thing to what he says. Last week Sunday we talked. I felt happy lah weh. Then he goes missing again, LIKE USUAL!!! AIyOO...WTF la dei? Cheikk!! I want him out of my mind. Please lah God, please take him away from my mind and heart!!!

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#88 - The Big $$, it changed humans.

All these while, I've always said that life is cruel, that life is evil. But now, after growing up, I change my mind. Life is not cruel, the people in it are cruel. My sister once told me that there's no nice people in this world, and that this is a man eat man world. What she said is certainly true. Everyone has something to achieve, something they want, therefore, they are willing to choose to hurt their friends, their loved ones, their family. I hope I wont be one of those cruel ones. I hope each time I forget, God will always remind me to come back to my senses.

Sometimes I feel pity for those who tend to forget about love, life and God. All they see are the big $$ in front of them. What happened to humans? What made them be who they are? I am going to start work soon, but I'm not working for the money. But then, when I start thinking about the responsibilities I have, to pay for my study loan, to pay for my car, my babies(cats) food, my toiletteries, my bills, OMG, somehow after all the calculation, it feels like it's never enough. "Is that is?" I asked myself. Am I going to be one of those who will be blinded by the big $? Oh gosh..

As long as we remember who we are once, and always pray for guidance from God, hopefully, Godwilling, we wont be blind. I pray for myself and every single human being living in this world. Then maybe the world would be a beautiful place to live in again.

Think about it.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#87 - All in 1 (update)

So, I've been feeling pretty low since 29th January 2011.

The story goes like this.....

28th January 2011 - Tash(my sister) came back for a holiday from AbuDhabiBaby..Felt sooo happy getting to see her again..LOL..

29th January 2011 - This day, I can never forget. Tash accompanied me to Rozana's wedding. Then, we dropped by home, pick Arrow(my cat) up and went to the vet. At 5.30pm, we were already back home, talking to dad, asking about how Apuchi(my grandma) is cause she's not well. At that time too, dad received a call from my aunty's maid, saying that Apuchi is gone. :'( Then we all rushed to Damansara from Kajang in 2 different cars. Yeap, she left forever on this date. My grandma, who would be turning 100 years old this March 2011, died. I was so sad. On the 30th January 2011, was her funeral, she was cremated this day. For the 1st time in my life, I cried at a funeral. I love my Apuchi so much. She was so kind to us sisters. I remember when we were little, she took care of us cause our parents was away, she was forcing us to sleep, and Nadia influenced Tash to not sleep. Then they called me, and I ran along with them, locked ourselves in a room, and Apuchi was screaming outside the door. Then Nadia unlocked the door and jumped up to our double decker bed. Apuchi couldnt reach us, but I remember clearly, she was screaming and scolding us with a thin cane(yeap,my mom always kept canes at home). Oh how naughty we were. But hey, I was influenced ok!!LOL..Apuchi was also so generous. Oh dear, I miss her alot..Hmm..Since January 29th, I've been so lazy to come online, cried alone alot, been feeling lost too. Haihh..

Hmmmm.......

8th February 2011 - I went for another interview, at Fairview International School. WOAH. They were so impressed with my photography skill. Wow, I felt so proud that day, I swore I could have jumped like crazy at that time, but I couldnt. LOL.

Dont remember date - Iedrus texted me. Few days before, I sent him a text thanking him for the good times we had last time. I also did mention that I won't text him anymore. So then he texted me back few days later. He also said that he still loves me and stuff. Oh, I also got to hear his voice again. He changed. He sounded more mature and fierce. LOL. Anyway, that night, felt soooo good, laughing and talking and texting with him. But then, the next day, and the next day, and the next day, till now, he went silent again. WTF right? Damn weird lah he. URGH~ Piss the hell out of me!

12th February 2011 - Tash left back to AbuDhabiBaby, back to her working life. Haihh..No more doshing partner, no more roommate, no more laughing gang. Damn...

14th February 2011 - The day couples love soo much. BLERGH~ So called Valentine's day. Lots of Muslim couples were caught on this day too. Tsk Tsk..Ape nak jadi dengan melayu sekarang. Haha.Ni lah namanya Dunia Akhir Zaman ye. Hmm. ANYWAY!!!!Bloody funny lah this day. I woke up, thinking I peed in my sleep, cause my pants on the right of my thighs were wet, my bed too. I went to the toilet, touch my underwear, it was dry. Then I remembered, Mama(my cat) woke me up earlier, wanting to go out, but I was just so tired, I just slept off. HAH. She took revenge on me and peed on my bed..DAMN...So, there goes my day answer of 'what am i gonna do today'. HAHA. I washed my duvet, my bedsheet and my pants. Put it to dry, cooked lunch, washed the toilet..Somehow, when alone at home, I love doing housework. I love it when people don't see me doing work. Hahahaha... Then, I saw a misscall, from a landline number from Ampang. BAMMM, my heart knew it was Fairview International School, cause I was pretty confident I SCORED the interview..HEHEHEHE....So I called back, yeap, she said 'CONGRATULATIONS', and I was just smiling.....hahahaha... Right after that, I called dad, then mom, then tried calling Nadia, but no answer, so I texted her instead. It all went with 'Guess who's gonna start paying for her own life now?' YEAPPP!!!!OMG OMG OMG, Im gonna have to start paying my education loan, my car loan, my cat's food, my toiletteries, my clothes, my dosh, my petrol, my toll, ARGHHHH, my my my and myyyyyy....HAIYAAAAA~ COMMITMENTS!!! See, that's why I don't wanna get married, cause if not, I'm gonna have to pay for wedding, then share money with husband, then baby's pampers, baby's this, baby's that..FUCK ALL THAT...hahahaha...

Yeah, I guess that's it for the updates.. Hmmm... Hope to update soon. Thanks for reading =)

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#86 - Job Interview

Well, here's the updates on jobs.

Erm, my 1st interview was in Dec 2010, the eve of Christmas, 24th December, at 6.30pm. Yeah, crazy, it was Christmas eve, and they work late. LOL. The pay offered was too low, after calculating expences, I didn't quite like the job, especially after knowing that the work time was from 9 to 11 at night and there are time where they have to work on weekends. PERGH! Crazy, with only RM1500?? Travelling all the way from Kajang to Damansara? No thank you. LOL.

So, I have another interview tomorrow, 25th January 2011. This one, I have to thank Miss P, for helping me to ask her boss if they have a job placement. :) THANK YOU CIK P!!! Well, I'm not sure if I will get it or not, but, miss P, seriously, you asked your boss pun dah cukup, even if he/she said no. :) 

Oh dear, let's see how things goes tomorrow yeah.

But I'm hoping to get a job with butter&bread advertising. From their job ad, they seem like a fun company to work with. Hmm. I dunno lah. Let's just put it all in the magic of my confidence and in the hands of God. =)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#85 - 24th January 2011 message from Ied.

Today, I woke up at 8am, went to the vet, brought my 3 sick cats. My phone was on silent at all times and was just left in my bag in the car. At about 12ish, I took out my phone, while I was waiting for mom to buy groceries. I saw a message.

10:35am

Sorry la, smlm sy tido.. tggl mana skrg?

12:24pm

O..dah hbis bljr. sy keja ok...

12:30pm

Blum lg x da jodoh lg. awk?

*this message was replied to me because I asked if he's married. LMAO~

12:35pm

Skrg awk masih dgn dia?

*this message was replied to me because I told him that the last ex bf I had was the one he saw - Mr. M...

12:41pm

Oo...ingt dah khawin..

*this message was replied to me because I think he got confused. LOL. Then I told him I was single since april of 2010.

12:49pm

X da pun jgk..

*this message was replied to me because I was curious all the time since the broke up, if he had dated other girls after our break up. Just as I thought so..LOL..

12:58pm

Smpai skrg ke? ke u ingt masa... hehe..

*this message was replied to me because I told him that I once saw him driving a police car, then I turned back, saw a police car, and I followed it because I thought it was him, but it wasnt. Then I also said I was sorry because I just couldnt stop thinking about him since the break up. After this message reply, I replied back saying that I can't stop thinking about him because he's the only guy whom actually had alot in common with me, and he understands me, and that I could feel love from him back then.

That was it. Then, total silent again. I don't know if he went silent because the message I sent freaked him out, or because he fell asleep, again. LOL. But after the no reply for hours, I sent 1 message saying 'ey, awk tertido lg ek? awk masih kerja mlm ek? takpe.. i fhm. u mesti penat. u jaga diri k. :) '

LMAO~

Somehow, if felt weird. After all these years of wanting to find him so badly, wanting him so badly and just want want want, now that he finally started texting me, after TOO long, I feel like, excited but scared. Hmm. See right, I don't want someone who's just gonna be my boyfriend. I'm actually looking for a man with a husband quality. I know he has that in him, but the work part is terrible, but then, the Q is, if he ever get back with me again, that is if he do la, will my parents accept him? Hmmm.....A long ponder there.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#84 - The ex is back a.k.a. IED!

Oh dear.

since the break up in July 2008, I have been waiting and waiting.

I was not able to get him out of my head no matter how many replacements I had.

Let's recap. 

2010 Hari Raya Aidilfitri.

I went to the bookstore, purchaced the most awesome raya card, wrote a really long message in it, sneaked up to Ied's house postbox, so many postbox, oh well, townhouse, so place the card in one postbox that I pressume it was his, apparently it was the wrong one, Miss P said someone placed the card in another postbox, then one day, the card was gone, I had a lot of assumptions back then, thought someone stole it, or maybe he didn't want to be friends anymore, maybe his brother secretly read it then threw it away blablabla. Woah, that's a long recap. Haha.

Today, 23rd January 2011.

I received a text message that reads 'hai ni natra ke?' Well usually I'd go super rude by answering 'no,ini nathra' See, I hate it when people spells my name wrongly. But, heck, I was asleep when I heard my phone saying 'one message received', yeap, that's my message tone. LOL. So I just replied 'yes.' That was it. I slept back. Then I woke up about 1.30pm, went for shower, came out, while I was getting dressed, I received another text message saying 'sorry ganggu trima kasih la sbb hntr kad raya hari 2..' And my heart seriously paused(nope, it didnt stopped,LOL), I was like, oh shoots. Ok, the reason why that happened? Coz he was the only man, person , human being that I sent a card to last year ok. So, totally easy to know who the person was right? Then I replied 'Erm, iedrus?' and he sent another message that reads 'Ya sy...' WOAH!!!!!IT IS IEDRUS...pergh..onli this time, there wasnt test..damn, I shud have given a test question like back then eh? See how much he remembers rite? LOL. Neway. I replied 'Owh, i ingat, u dah benci i...' Then he replied a message that reads 'X da mana ada pun..' So I thought to myself that 'ok, he's cool with being friends' and I replied him saying 'Saya nk mintak maaf, sbb seludup letak kad tu kat peti surat u. kelakar je masa tu. owh, kerja mcmmana?' and that message was sent at 2.56pm, now it's 12.35AM..Still no reply. Well I did text him once at 8'ish at night, saying 'hi..tgh buat ape?'...But still no reply. I don't want to call him, or even texting again, because last time, we broke up because apparently he claims that I don't understand his job. So, I better just shut now, let him start. Right? OMG, I don't even know what's right and what's wrong anymore. ARGHHH!!!

Newayz, let's just see how things goes. Really need a dosh right now. LOL.

p/s: I've been single since April 2010. WOOT WOOT!!!

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#83 - Been Busy

Woah, went lost for a while then.

So, the updates...Yeah, I've been seriously looking for a job now. Figured out that I can't be taking money from my broke parents all the time right. :) Good step to being mature! Woohoo! Lol..Occay, I've been busy, sleeping at 4am, waking up at 4pm, looking for job at night, replying comments on my facebook, deleting my notification emails, crazy nonsense facebook chats and bla bla bla...I did thought of logging in to update my blog, but, I didn't quite felt like writing. Hmm. Wait, do you readers think that I fit to be a writer? Since I was recently active on blogging, I felt like I love writing. Oh, I haven't wrote poems in such a long time eh? Hmm. Gosh, so many things I wanna do and HAVE TO DO before I die.. Hmm.

Newayz, all this pushing around by everyone, asking me of what I'm doing, pushing me to work, it finally went through my thick skull, that I just have got to look for a job for the money to survive AND SO THAT EVERYONE WOULD LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Hahaha. No seriously, try having people pushing you around, telling you what to do, bla bla bla. Then lecturers told you A, these people telling you to fuck what the lecturers said and just go with B..Which one I should listen to? People who has been in this industry I'm in or someone who's completely not from the art stream? Hmm. Blank. Confused. Lost. Silent. Just die please. LMAO~

Oh, well, actually, what's with all the anger. Sorry, had to let it out somewhere right? I didn't have anyone to tell, so, it's totally not wrong writing about it. Hmm. Anyway, money. Why is money so important? Why did humans become slaves to the word money? Humans would seriously do anything for money right? Even to the extend of having to self their baby, or selling their body, or loosing their family, even loosing their body parts. Seriously crazy. 

Have you readers actually got the chance to just pause your life, and just take a look around? Seriously, I've done it so many times. Look, our lives, everything is in the face pace, that's why it's called human race right? It's all a race, everyone running, rushing, fighting against the time. Just try this. Seriously. One day, when you're out shopping, just stop, pause, and look around at everyone. Or if you're stuck in a jam, pause, look around at other drivers. Or if you're standing, in a packedfull train, pause, look around. Try to observe. Everyone has money written all over their mind. But if you observe closely, you will find peace and calm at one of the faces you see. You know why? Because, that is the face that doesn't think that money is everything, that face doesn't put money first. Then when you are done observing, look at your self, see through your mind, ask yourself, weren't you thinking of money too?

Do you know why we adults always say that kids don't understand us? Because we created that reason. We choose to jump from peace, happy and free world into a messy, dark and gloomy world of our own. Do you even remember how peaceful your heart was beating back then when you were little? I do, and I still do feel it most of the time. Humans were never our enemy. The true enemy that is bringing us down, money. It sucks the life out of you, your soul, your strength, your heart, your feelings and all the power in you. At the end, here I am, writing about you, and there you are, being called as a slave to money.

Wow, it's been a long post now. You all go have fun. I shall continue doing my thing. I'm feeling another post. Aha.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#82 - Job survey...

 So, I've been registering at Job pages..And I found 1 page that requires me to do a survey. A little tiring to do so, but the answers were fun. Haha. Here it goes:

 At a Glance

• Does not strive to complete tasks, prepared to leave work unfinished.Expresses emotions and needs attention. Tends to be concerned with own opinions and feelings.

• Empathetic, understanding, helpful and supportive.

• Does not seek positions of power or authority.

• Less trusting, but has the skills to engage people to fulfill own objectives.

• A good supporter of others.

• Less inclined to decide how and what needs to be done ahead of schedule.

 While at Work

Ms Devarajah is prepared to put in hard work moderately but she may at times prefer to work at her own pace.

Ms Devarajah is relatively dependable to deliver results on time. She may sometimes be late in meeting deadlines.

Ms Devarajah initiates plans and ideas easily but may not persist with the tasks until completion. She is prepared to leave tasks unfinished; hence she may prefer short-term assignments as she is more likely to complete these tasks. She may lose interest and focus when working on long term assignments.

Ms Devarajah is able to produce work that is moderately high in quality but she may at times be careless.

Ms Devarajah is an emotional person. She finds it difficult to conceal her feelings. She is likely to seek attention from others. Ms Devarajah is passionate, romantic and warm, and needs to be with people. As her emotional needs are high, she is often the 'taker' in a relationship. She tends to make decisions based on her own feelings and opinions.

Ms Devarajah is sympathetic and considerate towards others. She is also likely to be tolerant, understanding and forgiving. Ms Devarajah lends support and offers help readily. She often lends a listening ear to others and is concerned about their welfare. She is also charitable.

Ms Devarajah is friendly and outgoing when she is with friends although she may at times prefer to be quiet.

Ms Devarajah selectively forms strong bonds with people although these bonds may not be very deep.

Positions of power, influence and authority are not Ms Devarajah's concern. She does not mind letting others assert authority over her. She is accommodating, laid back and easy-going.

Ms Devarajah is moderately concerned with prestige, rank and reputation.

Ms Devarajah is skilful in managing people. She can be an excellent negotiator and is persuasive. She is also diplomatic and tactful in dealing with people. Ms Devarajah not only understands human behaviour and motives, she is also able to engage them to accomplish her objectives. Although curious and accurate about human nature, she neither trusts nor believes people easily.

A good supporter to the people around her, Ms Devarajah does not desire to lead or influence people. She is uncomfortable taking charge and does not feel the thrill of challenge in leading others. She prefers to responds rather than initiate. She looks to others to provide direction and does not naturally want to persuade or motivate others to take a certain course of action.

Ms Devarajah is as keen to explore abstract concepts when the topic appeals to her and she is as interested to discuss theoretical issues as the average person.

Being less inclined to plan, Ms Devarajah has the tendency to be disorganized, unsystematic and reactive to the situation. She may waste time and effort because she may end up having to rework her tasks due to lack of planning.

Ms Devarajah is generally able to express herself although not to a high degree of eloquence.

Ms Devarajah is generally able to tolerate some uncertainty although she would be uncomfortable if uncertainty or changes increase.

So,that's about it..hehe..

u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-  

bullshitting 101~#81 - Forget.

Forget.

That's what I need to do now. So many things I need to forget. But now, the main priority on my forget list is Mr. E. Yes. Him.

I need to forget my feelings for him. Gosh, I feel stupid each time I like a guy. Stupid right? I should'nt be liking any guys, especially after all the shietzos I had to go through because of the bloody creatures created called men. Oh, maybe I was dating boys all these while. Now, I'm 25. Yet, still can't find a man, wait, I can't even see a man in my life, all I see are stupid male humans. LOL.

So, Im giving up on Mr E. This give up is not the bad kind of give up that you all hear. This one is good. I must forget my feelings for him or any other guys. Plus, I need to concentrate on finding a job, so that I could save money to re-do my swimming pool. Weeee~ Swim naked?NOT!! LMAO~

This is it, yes, it might take sometime, especially to stop writing about him, but I know damn sure that I can do it. Easy as 1,2 and 3. :) If I made it, letting go all those stupid species of male humans in my life, Mr. E will be an easy one too. Especially now, that Im starting to question what I actually feel for him. I know, it's going away. I'm letting go and I'm glad I am letting go. LOL.

Nathra always end up doing stupid decisions or at least always end up making herself look stupid. HAHA. But, this time, I know, this is the right decision. I know I'm right in what I'm doing now. And I'm glad I made this decision.

One thing I learn.

As humans, we never fail to receive choices or options. It's all up to us, of what we choose to do. People say it's all faith, but did you know, faith can be changed?

Why are we being called the human race? Because we always tend to run, always after something, always late, always have something to do. Everything is a race. Can we stop, look around, take a deep breath and feel the moment of being able to pause. That would be a good one.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#80 - Miss is a feeling.

Miss.

That's what I'm feeling now.

I miss those chats I had with Mr. E, I miss those webcam sessions I have with him. I miss how he would make me laugh non-stop. I miss how cute he act while on webcam.

Why did we end up like this? Why do I feel the distance now? Would it make a difference if he had not forced me to tell him the truth, that I like you? Would it make a difference if I lied to him about the truth? Hmm.

Mr. E, why the hell did I have feelings for him? Why the hell did I like him? But this time, it doesn't hurt so much liking him and not getting the positive response I want from him. But each night, I still pray that he would open his heart for me to be in it. Hmm. I'd pray that he'd like me for me, for who I am, for my heart, for me being able to understand him and his job, not for other pathetic reasons. Would'nt it be a miracle if he suddenly tell me on the 15th Jan, 'Nathra, I like you so much, I was just testing you all these while'.... WOW. Sweeeeetttt...Haha..I think I would cry at that very second or most probably smile non-stop till he gets freaked out. LOL.

Weird lah. Why is it possible that when I like other guys and when I know it's negative, I can easily forget them. Why is it different with Mr. E? Why do I still pray and hope? Why do I feel like behind his words of 'Im a bad guy' I see good in him? Why why why? Urgh! Still can't be able to stop having questions in my life. LOL.

Well, see how far I went from the main topic. Haha. Occay, I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss that once I actually felt close to him like he was my best friend, and that I can rely on him, I can tell him anything, I feel safe and comfortable with him. Haih. I guess, if time changes, days changes, week changes, month changes, year changes, what more, a person, he changed too, I changed to, you all changed too. Right? Hmm.

I'm going to end my post here, for now. Thank you for reading.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#79 - 2011 has arrived..

Well well, 2011 has finally arrived eh? Oh hey, nah, I wasnt waiting for the year actually. I wished we could go back, cause it's scary, next is 2012, then what? We die? Haha..

So, newayz, happie new year to all of you readers, to friends and enemies, to the loved and unloved, to the rich and the poor, to the happy and the sad ones, to the young and the old, to the lost and found, to the remembered and the forgotten. Happie new year. I hope all your dreams, your wishes, your goals, your target, your hopes (even if you were hoping for the guy you like to like you back), I hope it all come true :)

I will always love you readers, doesnt matter if you're a silent reader, a loud reader, a hater or a lover =)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#78 - Ushering 2011...

Today, 31st December 2010.

Felt empty inside. No one to go out with. No plans. No mood. Nothing new about the year, nothing new about me.

Suddenly, the feeling of missing someone, wishing we were still together came rushing in my heart and head. Ied. Yeap, Ied. I'm thinking about him. Thinking of how long we would have been as a couple if we didn't break up. Thinking of how much I woudnt miss him, if we were still together. Thinking of how I won't suffer till now, if we hadnt broken up. I miss him. Ied is my only exboyfriend whom I can't seem to forget. Why? Did he put some black magic on me? Or was he so special that I can't seem to get him out of my heart? Hmm. Till today, I still seem to have questions on my mind, and wishes and hopes that he would come back to me. I can't seem to find the right perfect guy to replace him. Wow, I can't believe I'm actually looking for a replacement, not someone new. He was too special.

I wonder if Mr. E could be special too, but heck, Mr E and Nathra, doesn't fit to be together, too much in common things, it would be like North magnet and another North magnet. But I think Mr. E and me can be best friends. Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, I'm still jobless. Therefore, facebook is always updated, blog is always updated, therefore this post is here. LOL.

OMG, still on my mind, Ied. Will I be able to find someone who can be as special as him? Wait, suddenly, I thought to myself, why am I so desperate to find a boyfriend? Yes, DESPERATE?!?! Am I lonely? Why do I want to feel love so badly? Isn't the love I have from my family is enough already? Or am I just scared to not get married before the world ends? Or is it peer pressure cause all my friends are married, getting married, or at least in a stable relationship?

"Arghh, what's with all these effing questions, Nathra??" I asked myself.

Aha, no answer to that one.

I turned away from the screen, looked at the clock hanging on my room wall, it shows 6.41pm. Damn. I'm gonna be alone tonight. Not being able to celebrate the coming of the new year, the additional year to my age, yeap, believe it or not, I'm gonna be 25. Wow. Even I can't believe it myself. Will I be matured enough? Will I change? Will I be able to answer the questions I have been asking myself all these while? Hah, there you go, haven't got an answer, but added more questions. Haih.

"Nathra, stop whining!" I told myself.

Wow, I'm starting to enjoy this post I'm writing. Haha. Love the style I'm writing. Oh damn, there I go again, praising myself, I'm just soooo into myself. Aha. Sometimes, I feel like Im so into myself, that I should be marrying my own self. Haha. Don't you think so?

Anyway, I hope 2011 will be a better year for me and my family. I hope our financial will be stable, I hope there won't be any family fights(damn, I'm sick of those). But hope what I will get a great job. Hope that I will be close to God and that I will change to be a better person. AND Quit Doshing!!Haha..

Pray for me aight, and wish me luck.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#77 - 5 Days vacation...

Wow..

I went to Terengganu on Saturday(25th Dec 2010), and came back after 5 days of being there. Oh my dreams to face the beach, wow, best days of my life. Haha. Felt peace. But the weather from day 3 onwards was bad though. Hmmm...

Newayz, Im glad I decided to follow my aunt to Terengganu. Had fun doshing by the beach. Had fun of making sure I face the beach each night. LOL. But, that 5 days, I miss my babies alot. I was glad too, coming home, to this four walls around me, sleeping with my babies...:)

But yeah, I'm hoping to go to Lumut next. ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#76 - Damn.

Today, I feel lost.

Owh, actually, I was doing fine, until, he came on my mind, and I read something that made me felt uneasy, and I felt bored, and I was feeling like shiet about the interview tomorrow.

Hmm. I wish he exist, but I wished I never liked him. Why did he have to look so gorgeous after 6 years. Haih.

Why did I gain so much weight after I left highbloodyschool? URGH!

Why is it December already? OMG, I won't have time to diet!!URGH!!

This company that I'm having interview with tomorrow, they seem unreal. Their website is like under construction. They company name has an enterprise at the end of it, not even Sdn. Bhd. LOL.. Therefore, I feel like 'why the fuck did I agree to go?'

BlaBlaBla.... YadaYadaYada.....

FUCK YOU MR.E!!!hehehe...no offense, just felt like saying it for fun to you. hehe.

Alright, forget Mr.E...forget...forget...FORGET!!!

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#75 - Haiyoo, Must Stop Again...

Damn..

This is torturing.

Must try again, and I know I can do it!

I'm gonna stop texting him, stop calling him, just stop looking for him again. But, stop thinking about him?Erm, that's impossible. LOL.

Newayz, all gonna be good. But he said he's coming to KL for new year and for the gathering. Well, hope to see you then. But for now, diet diet and diet!!!!!Very Importante!!Must look good!!Hehe..

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#74 - Arghhh,you make me weak..Damn..

Oh Damn...

So like my previous post says, I was suppose to not text or call Mr. E, I was doing totally fine, not texting him, not calling him for about 5days or 6days, till.....I saw him online yesterday. I don't know why, I clicked on his picture icon on facebook, talked to him, but my intention was to just say hie. But he told me to call at 12.30am. Weird. But so I did call him anyways. I asked him why he wanted me to call. Well, he said nothing, just wanted to talk about the gathering, WHICH WAS GONNA HAPPEN WAYYYYY FAR AWAY, IN JANUARY...15TH JANUARY to be exact...It's ages away...haha..

But then, OMG, hearing his voice, arghhh, it makes me weak.....I like him tooooo much...Honestly, I think about him everyday. LOL..No, I'm not a freak ok! But, he's just on my mind, ALOT. I was wishing he'd like me back. Or if he do like me, say it straight to me. Haha. Seriously, I think men who can't tell a girl that they are into the girl, is a total coward. Haha..But I know he doesn't have feelings for me. I just know.

But it's ok lah. At least, having him as a friend, getting to hear his voice, is already good enough right? :) Yes, who doesn't hope for more, but I can't take the idea of loosing him completely. So, might aswell take the pain of not getting to be in love with him, rather than the pain of loosing him. :)

Somehow, he sounded like he care. Oh well, maybe just as friends. =)

So, that's all for the update now. Oh, I received to job offers. One via email(asking me to send a CV and my portfolio in, but im not interested), another via call, then email (which he set an interview on this Friday, which is like in 3days DAMN, but the company don't look promising enough, don't even have it's own website, WTH right? Haih..) So yeah, honestly, I'm freaking out like hell, I'm super scared to enter the adult's world - W.O.R.K. Shiettt...I'm gonna be one of those people, driving on the road, with a bloody damn stressed face, stuck in the jam back from work...OMG...Die loooo....Newayz, there are other jobs I found online, which really caught my attention. I'm gonna try apply for all those too. Hope it goes well.

Newayz, love you all readers. Thanks for always supporting me by reading my blog and being my follower. :)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#73 - Gonna have to let my feelings go...

This is it.

I can't bear the pain of having to hurt myself again and again.

I don't want to be the pathetic loser who keeps on going after you.

I don't want to be the one who waits around for you.

Yeah, You never asked me to, I know, it was my own stupidity.

Therefore, I'm letting this feelings I have for you go. I must forget you. I must forget the fact that I want love. I must give my love to God, then I'll get back more than love, that's one thing for sure I know. I must stop messaging you. I must stop calling you. And when 15th January comes, I will be matured enough to be totally fine and over you, that is, if Im free to go on the 15th January gathering. LOL.

So, I won't say it's my lost, but heck, it's your lost. ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#72 - I wish I never liked you...

Let me start this post with a sigh.

Haihhhhh~

Seriously, how many of you in this world got rejected? Or liked someone(in my case,so many), but the feeling was never returned? How many of you felt what it feels like to be heartbroken(oh gosh,I don't have enough fingers to count mine)? It hurts doesn't it? Hmm..

Does it mean that it was because we like the wrong person? Or you fell in love with the wrong person? Or just because the person was choosy? Ha, this one has a point, Malaysian men are always after hot girls. LOL. But seriously. Hmm. 

Sometimes I wonder, have those people that we liked ever felt the same way like we did? Hmm. Or do they even know how pain it is to be rejected? Haha.

Anyway, this guy that I like, well, I know he has no feelings for me. But, I ask myself, "Why am I still after you?" Well, he's my friend. I met him 6 years ago at national service. Why did it take me 6 years to finally like him? Why wasn't we friends back then? Oh, but he did mention that back then, he thought I was anti-men. Haha. Next time, y'all should never judge a person by the looks, the way they bring themselves or how they dress up like. Haha. Just because I'm rough and tough, I love wearing men's clothes, I act like I'm a boy, doesn't mean I'm that. Helloo,'read between the lines', think why I did that, not just hearing what people say. Ngeh~ I'm rough and tough because I grew up not having brothers, so my dad thought me and my sisters alot of things that a father should be teaching his son, not daughters, but damn, I'm so greatful my dad thought us to be that. :) Why boyish clothes? Cause it's very comfortable, seriously. LOL. Why act like a boy? Cause I love men/boys/guys, that was 1 way to hang out with them, plus, since I was a kid, I played with boys more than girls, and, I feel like I understand man more than I can understand a women. Haihh...LMAO~

Owh, this guy, you readers know I don't mention names, so let's just call this guy MR. E. :) This mr.E told me alot of things, I learned alot about him, things that you only can learn if you meet and hang out with the guy for a year plus, I learned all that in just couple of weeks, hours of chats. Maybe cause I learn fast about humans. Hmm..

So anyway, since mr. E and I had a quarrel( i think it's a quarrel), we rarely talk now, what more seeing his 'damn i could just kiss him' face on webcam. Haihh..If you think Zac Efron is a super gorgeous hunk, this mr. E is my super gorgeous hunk, but I think if I had no feelings for him, he looks normal, not handsome, just cute maybe, MAYBE. LOL~ Shiet he's gonna kill me if he reads this. Haha.

Owh, I do like him, I really like him. But I don't think he feels the same way like I do. Hmm. But somehow, compared to previous likes, I'm taking it slow this time. And I don't feel as much pain as I do previously. Why? Cause I just like him? not like LIKE him? hmm..nah, I think I really LIKE him..haha..I think about him alot, I miss him so effing much, but then, I know, Love can't be forced, what more, forcing someone to like me back. But, that doesn't mean I should stop my efforts in making him like me. ;P Yeap, I will keep trying, slow maybe, but I won't quit just yet. Not for a long time though. Cause, you know, at somepoint, when you chase something, and you know it's a big NO-NO answer, you gonna stop. Same here in my case.

But what's weird is that, he kept saying he's a bad guy. Yes I haven't met him since 2004, but then, I feel like he's not bad, he's nice, maybe naughty yes, but not bad. Hey, reality check, everyone is naughty right? :) And it would be a miracle if he actually says 'owh, hey, i like you too'..haha..That only happens in dreams..haha..And yes, I would dream about it everyday, just dream lah, cause that ain't gonna happen. LOL. I think, he would be a great boyfriend, a great husband and a great dad. He's funny, he loves cats(I think men who loves animals,is protective, loving and safe to be with), he's nice, he's cute(haha),he's all that a girl could wish for. Hmm.

Neway, so long eh this post? Just about Mr. E..LOL...

Well, the conclusion is, I know the answer is negative, and he's my friend, so, I wished I never had feelings for him. So things would not get complicated. Haihh...

u kno u love me, 

-x.o.x.o.-