bullshitting 101~#86 - Job Interview

Well, here's the updates on jobs.

Erm, my 1st interview was in Dec 2010, the eve of Christmas, 24th December, at 6.30pm. Yeah, crazy, it was Christmas eve, and they work late. LOL. The pay offered was too low, after calculating expences, I didn't quite like the job, especially after knowing that the work time was from 9 to 11 at night and there are time where they have to work on weekends. PERGH! Crazy, with only RM1500?? Travelling all the way from Kajang to Damansara? No thank you. LOL.

So, I have another interview tomorrow, 25th January 2011. This one, I have to thank Miss P, for helping me to ask her boss if they have a job placement. :) THANK YOU CIK P!!! Well, I'm not sure if I will get it or not, but, miss P, seriously, you asked your boss pun dah cukup, even if he/she said no. :) 

Oh dear, let's see how things goes tomorrow yeah.

But I'm hoping to get a job with butter&bread advertising. From their job ad, they seem like a fun company to work with. Hmm. I dunno lah. Let's just put it all in the magic of my confidence and in the hands of God. =)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#85 - 24th January 2011 message from Ied.

Today, I woke up at 8am, went to the vet, brought my 3 sick cats. My phone was on silent at all times and was just left in my bag in the car. At about 12ish, I took out my phone, while I was waiting for mom to buy groceries. I saw a message.

10:35am

Sorry la, smlm sy tido.. tggl mana skrg?

12:24pm

O..dah hbis bljr. sy keja ok...

12:30pm

Blum lg x da jodoh lg. awk?

*this message was replied to me because I asked if he's married. LMAO~

12:35pm

Skrg awk masih dgn dia?

*this message was replied to me because I told him that the last ex bf I had was the one he saw - Mr. M...

12:41pm

Oo...ingt dah khawin..

*this message was replied to me because I think he got confused. LOL. Then I told him I was single since april of 2010.

12:49pm

X da pun jgk..

*this message was replied to me because I was curious all the time since the broke up, if he had dated other girls after our break up. Just as I thought so..LOL..

12:58pm

Smpai skrg ke? ke u ingt masa... hehe..

*this message was replied to me because I told him that I once saw him driving a police car, then I turned back, saw a police car, and I followed it because I thought it was him, but it wasnt. Then I also said I was sorry because I just couldnt stop thinking about him since the break up. After this message reply, I replied back saying that I can't stop thinking about him because he's the only guy whom actually had alot in common with me, and he understands me, and that I could feel love from him back then.

That was it. Then, total silent again. I don't know if he went silent because the message I sent freaked him out, or because he fell asleep, again. LOL. But after the no reply for hours, I sent 1 message saying 'ey, awk tertido lg ek? awk masih kerja mlm ek? takpe.. i fhm. u mesti penat. u jaga diri k. :) '

LMAO~

Somehow, if felt weird. After all these years of wanting to find him so badly, wanting him so badly and just want want want, now that he finally started texting me, after TOO long, I feel like, excited but scared. Hmm. See right, I don't want someone who's just gonna be my boyfriend. I'm actually looking for a man with a husband quality. I know he has that in him, but the work part is terrible, but then, the Q is, if he ever get back with me again, that is if he do la, will my parents accept him? Hmmm.....A long ponder there.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#84 - The ex is back a.k.a. IED!

Oh dear.

since the break up in July 2008, I have been waiting and waiting.

I was not able to get him out of my head no matter how many replacements I had.

Let's recap. 

2010 Hari Raya Aidilfitri.

I went to the bookstore, purchaced the most awesome raya card, wrote a really long message in it, sneaked up to Ied's house postbox, so many postbox, oh well, townhouse, so place the card in one postbox that I pressume it was his, apparently it was the wrong one, Miss P said someone placed the card in another postbox, then one day, the card was gone, I had a lot of assumptions back then, thought someone stole it, or maybe he didn't want to be friends anymore, maybe his brother secretly read it then threw it away blablabla. Woah, that's a long recap. Haha.

Today, 23rd January 2011.

I received a text message that reads 'hai ni natra ke?' Well usually I'd go super rude by answering 'no,ini nathra' See, I hate it when people spells my name wrongly. But, heck, I was asleep when I heard my phone saying 'one message received', yeap, that's my message tone. LOL. So I just replied 'yes.' That was it. I slept back. Then I woke up about 1.30pm, went for shower, came out, while I was getting dressed, I received another text message saying 'sorry ganggu trima kasih la sbb hntr kad raya hari 2..' And my heart seriously paused(nope, it didnt stopped,LOL), I was like, oh shoots. Ok, the reason why that happened? Coz he was the only man, person , human being that I sent a card to last year ok. So, totally easy to know who the person was right? Then I replied 'Erm, iedrus?' and he sent another message that reads 'Ya sy...' WOAH!!!!!IT IS IEDRUS...pergh..onli this time, there wasnt test..damn, I shud have given a test question like back then eh? See how much he remembers rite? LOL. Neway. I replied 'Owh, i ingat, u dah benci i...' Then he replied a message that reads 'X da mana ada pun..' So I thought to myself that 'ok, he's cool with being friends' and I replied him saying 'Saya nk mintak maaf, sbb seludup letak kad tu kat peti surat u. kelakar je masa tu. owh, kerja mcmmana?' and that message was sent at 2.56pm, now it's 12.35AM..Still no reply. Well I did text him once at 8'ish at night, saying 'hi..tgh buat ape?'...But still no reply. I don't want to call him, or even texting again, because last time, we broke up because apparently he claims that I don't understand his job. So, I better just shut now, let him start. Right? OMG, I don't even know what's right and what's wrong anymore. ARGHHH!!!

Newayz, let's just see how things goes. Really need a dosh right now. LOL.

p/s: I've been single since April 2010. WOOT WOOT!!!

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#83 - Been Busy

Woah, went lost for a while then.

So, the updates...Yeah, I've been seriously looking for a job now. Figured out that I can't be taking money from my broke parents all the time right. :) Good step to being mature! Woohoo! Lol..Occay, I've been busy, sleeping at 4am, waking up at 4pm, looking for job at night, replying comments on my facebook, deleting my notification emails, crazy nonsense facebook chats and bla bla bla...I did thought of logging in to update my blog, but, I didn't quite felt like writing. Hmm. Wait, do you readers think that I fit to be a writer? Since I was recently active on blogging, I felt like I love writing. Oh, I haven't wrote poems in such a long time eh? Hmm. Gosh, so many things I wanna do and HAVE TO DO before I die.. Hmm.

Newayz, all this pushing around by everyone, asking me of what I'm doing, pushing me to work, it finally went through my thick skull, that I just have got to look for a job for the money to survive AND SO THAT EVERYONE WOULD LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Hahaha. No seriously, try having people pushing you around, telling you what to do, bla bla bla. Then lecturers told you A, these people telling you to fuck what the lecturers said and just go with B..Which one I should listen to? People who has been in this industry I'm in or someone who's completely not from the art stream? Hmm. Blank. Confused. Lost. Silent. Just die please. LMAO~

Oh, well, actually, what's with all the anger. Sorry, had to let it out somewhere right? I didn't have anyone to tell, so, it's totally not wrong writing about it. Hmm. Anyway, money. Why is money so important? Why did humans become slaves to the word money? Humans would seriously do anything for money right? Even to the extend of having to self their baby, or selling their body, or loosing their family, even loosing their body parts. Seriously crazy. 

Have you readers actually got the chance to just pause your life, and just take a look around? Seriously, I've done it so many times. Look, our lives, everything is in the face pace, that's why it's called human race right? It's all a race, everyone running, rushing, fighting against the time. Just try this. Seriously. One day, when you're out shopping, just stop, pause, and look around at everyone. Or if you're stuck in a jam, pause, look around at other drivers. Or if you're standing, in a packedfull train, pause, look around. Try to observe. Everyone has money written all over their mind. But if you observe closely, you will find peace and calm at one of the faces you see. You know why? Because, that is the face that doesn't think that money is everything, that face doesn't put money first. Then when you are done observing, look at your self, see through your mind, ask yourself, weren't you thinking of money too?

Do you know why we adults always say that kids don't understand us? Because we created that reason. We choose to jump from peace, happy and free world into a messy, dark and gloomy world of our own. Do you even remember how peaceful your heart was beating back then when you were little? I do, and I still do feel it most of the time. Humans were never our enemy. The true enemy that is bringing us down, money. It sucks the life out of you, your soul, your strength, your heart, your feelings and all the power in you. At the end, here I am, writing about you, and there you are, being called as a slave to money.

Wow, it's been a long post now. You all go have fun. I shall continue doing my thing. I'm feeling another post. Aha.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#82 - Job survey...

 So, I've been registering at Job pages..And I found 1 page that requires me to do a survey. A little tiring to do so, but the answers were fun. Haha. Here it goes:

 At a Glance

• Does not strive to complete tasks, prepared to leave work unfinished.Expresses emotions and needs attention. Tends to be concerned with own opinions and feelings.

• Empathetic, understanding, helpful and supportive.

• Does not seek positions of power or authority.

• Less trusting, but has the skills to engage people to fulfill own objectives.

• A good supporter of others.

• Less inclined to decide how and what needs to be done ahead of schedule.

 While at Work

Ms Devarajah is prepared to put in hard work moderately but she may at times prefer to work at her own pace.

Ms Devarajah is relatively dependable to deliver results on time. She may sometimes be late in meeting deadlines.

Ms Devarajah initiates plans and ideas easily but may not persist with the tasks until completion. She is prepared to leave tasks unfinished; hence she may prefer short-term assignments as she is more likely to complete these tasks. She may lose interest and focus when working on long term assignments.

Ms Devarajah is able to produce work that is moderately high in quality but she may at times be careless.

Ms Devarajah is an emotional person. She finds it difficult to conceal her feelings. She is likely to seek attention from others. Ms Devarajah is passionate, romantic and warm, and needs to be with people. As her emotional needs are high, she is often the 'taker' in a relationship. She tends to make decisions based on her own feelings and opinions.

Ms Devarajah is sympathetic and considerate towards others. She is also likely to be tolerant, understanding and forgiving. Ms Devarajah lends support and offers help readily. She often lends a listening ear to others and is concerned about their welfare. She is also charitable.

Ms Devarajah is friendly and outgoing when she is with friends although she may at times prefer to be quiet.

Ms Devarajah selectively forms strong bonds with people although these bonds may not be very deep.

Positions of power, influence and authority are not Ms Devarajah's concern. She does not mind letting others assert authority over her. She is accommodating, laid back and easy-going.

Ms Devarajah is moderately concerned with prestige, rank and reputation.

Ms Devarajah is skilful in managing people. She can be an excellent negotiator and is persuasive. She is also diplomatic and tactful in dealing with people. Ms Devarajah not only understands human behaviour and motives, she is also able to engage them to accomplish her objectives. Although curious and accurate about human nature, she neither trusts nor believes people easily.

A good supporter to the people around her, Ms Devarajah does not desire to lead or influence people. She is uncomfortable taking charge and does not feel the thrill of challenge in leading others. She prefers to responds rather than initiate. She looks to others to provide direction and does not naturally want to persuade or motivate others to take a certain course of action.

Ms Devarajah is as keen to explore abstract concepts when the topic appeals to her and she is as interested to discuss theoretical issues as the average person.

Being less inclined to plan, Ms Devarajah has the tendency to be disorganized, unsystematic and reactive to the situation. She may waste time and effort because she may end up having to rework her tasks due to lack of planning.

Ms Devarajah is generally able to express herself although not to a high degree of eloquence.

Ms Devarajah is generally able to tolerate some uncertainty although she would be uncomfortable if uncertainty or changes increase.

So,that's about it..hehe..

u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-  

bullshitting 101~#81 - Forget.

Forget.

That's what I need to do now. So many things I need to forget. But now, the main priority on my forget list is Mr. E. Yes. Him.

I need to forget my feelings for him. Gosh, I feel stupid each time I like a guy. Stupid right? I should'nt be liking any guys, especially after all the shietzos I had to go through because of the bloody creatures created called men. Oh, maybe I was dating boys all these while. Now, I'm 25. Yet, still can't find a man, wait, I can't even see a man in my life, all I see are stupid male humans. LOL.

So, Im giving up on Mr E. This give up is not the bad kind of give up that you all hear. This one is good. I must forget my feelings for him or any other guys. Plus, I need to concentrate on finding a job, so that I could save money to re-do my swimming pool. Weeee~ Swim naked?NOT!! LMAO~

This is it, yes, it might take sometime, especially to stop writing about him, but I know damn sure that I can do it. Easy as 1,2 and 3. :) If I made it, letting go all those stupid species of male humans in my life, Mr. E will be an easy one too. Especially now, that Im starting to question what I actually feel for him. I know, it's going away. I'm letting go and I'm glad I am letting go. LOL.

Nathra always end up doing stupid decisions or at least always end up making herself look stupid. HAHA. But, this time, I know, this is the right decision. I know I'm right in what I'm doing now. And I'm glad I made this decision.

One thing I learn.

As humans, we never fail to receive choices or options. It's all up to us, of what we choose to do. People say it's all faith, but did you know, faith can be changed?

Why are we being called the human race? Because we always tend to run, always after something, always late, always have something to do. Everything is a race. Can we stop, look around, take a deep breath and feel the moment of being able to pause. That would be a good one.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#80 - Miss is a feeling.

Miss.

That's what I'm feeling now.

I miss those chats I had with Mr. E, I miss those webcam sessions I have with him. I miss how he would make me laugh non-stop. I miss how cute he act while on webcam.

Why did we end up like this? Why do I feel the distance now? Would it make a difference if he had not forced me to tell him the truth, that I like you? Would it make a difference if I lied to him about the truth? Hmm.

Mr. E, why the hell did I have feelings for him? Why the hell did I like him? But this time, it doesn't hurt so much liking him and not getting the positive response I want from him. But each night, I still pray that he would open his heart for me to be in it. Hmm. I'd pray that he'd like me for me, for who I am, for my heart, for me being able to understand him and his job, not for other pathetic reasons. Would'nt it be a miracle if he suddenly tell me on the 15th Jan, 'Nathra, I like you so much, I was just testing you all these while'.... WOW. Sweeeeetttt...Haha..I think I would cry at that very second or most probably smile non-stop till he gets freaked out. LOL.

Weird lah. Why is it possible that when I like other guys and when I know it's negative, I can easily forget them. Why is it different with Mr. E? Why do I still pray and hope? Why do I feel like behind his words of 'Im a bad guy' I see good in him? Why why why? Urgh! Still can't be able to stop having questions in my life. LOL.

Well, see how far I went from the main topic. Haha. Occay, I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss that once I actually felt close to him like he was my best friend, and that I can rely on him, I can tell him anything, I feel safe and comfortable with him. Haih. I guess, if time changes, days changes, week changes, month changes, year changes, what more, a person, he changed too, I changed to, you all changed too. Right? Hmm.

I'm going to end my post here, for now. Thank you for reading.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#79 - 2011 has arrived..

Well well, 2011 has finally arrived eh? Oh hey, nah, I wasnt waiting for the year actually. I wished we could go back, cause it's scary, next is 2012, then what? We die? Haha..

So, newayz, happie new year to all of you readers, to friends and enemies, to the loved and unloved, to the rich and the poor, to the happy and the sad ones, to the young and the old, to the lost and found, to the remembered and the forgotten. Happie new year. I hope all your dreams, your wishes, your goals, your target, your hopes (even if you were hoping for the guy you like to like you back), I hope it all come true :)

I will always love you readers, doesnt matter if you're a silent reader, a loud reader, a hater or a lover =)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#78 - Ushering 2011...

Today, 31st December 2010.

Felt empty inside. No one to go out with. No plans. No mood. Nothing new about the year, nothing new about me.

Suddenly, the feeling of missing someone, wishing we were still together came rushing in my heart and head. Ied. Yeap, Ied. I'm thinking about him. Thinking of how long we would have been as a couple if we didn't break up. Thinking of how much I woudnt miss him, if we were still together. Thinking of how I won't suffer till now, if we hadnt broken up. I miss him. Ied is my only exboyfriend whom I can't seem to forget. Why? Did he put some black magic on me? Or was he so special that I can't seem to get him out of my heart? Hmm. Till today, I still seem to have questions on my mind, and wishes and hopes that he would come back to me. I can't seem to find the right perfect guy to replace him. Wow, I can't believe I'm actually looking for a replacement, not someone new. He was too special.

I wonder if Mr. E could be special too, but heck, Mr E and Nathra, doesn't fit to be together, too much in common things, it would be like North magnet and another North magnet. But I think Mr. E and me can be best friends. Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, I'm still jobless. Therefore, facebook is always updated, blog is always updated, therefore this post is here. LOL.

OMG, still on my mind, Ied. Will I be able to find someone who can be as special as him? Wait, suddenly, I thought to myself, why am I so desperate to find a boyfriend? Yes, DESPERATE?!?! Am I lonely? Why do I want to feel love so badly? Isn't the love I have from my family is enough already? Or am I just scared to not get married before the world ends? Or is it peer pressure cause all my friends are married, getting married, or at least in a stable relationship?

"Arghh, what's with all these effing questions, Nathra??" I asked myself.

Aha, no answer to that one.

I turned away from the screen, looked at the clock hanging on my room wall, it shows 6.41pm. Damn. I'm gonna be alone tonight. Not being able to celebrate the coming of the new year, the additional year to my age, yeap, believe it or not, I'm gonna be 25. Wow. Even I can't believe it myself. Will I be matured enough? Will I change? Will I be able to answer the questions I have been asking myself all these while? Hah, there you go, haven't got an answer, but added more questions. Haih.

"Nathra, stop whining!" I told myself.

Wow, I'm starting to enjoy this post I'm writing. Haha. Love the style I'm writing. Oh damn, there I go again, praising myself, I'm just soooo into myself. Aha. Sometimes, I feel like Im so into myself, that I should be marrying my own self. Haha. Don't you think so?

Anyway, I hope 2011 will be a better year for me and my family. I hope our financial will be stable, I hope there won't be any family fights(damn, I'm sick of those). But hope what I will get a great job. Hope that I will be close to God and that I will change to be a better person. AND Quit Doshing!!Haha..

Pray for me aight, and wish me luck.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#77 - 5 Days vacation...

Wow..

I went to Terengganu on Saturday(25th Dec 2010), and came back after 5 days of being there. Oh my dreams to face the beach, wow, best days of my life. Haha. Felt peace. But the weather from day 3 onwards was bad though. Hmmm...

Newayz, Im glad I decided to follow my aunt to Terengganu. Had fun doshing by the beach. Had fun of making sure I face the beach each night. LOL. But, that 5 days, I miss my babies alot. I was glad too, coming home, to this four walls around me, sleeping with my babies...:)

But yeah, I'm hoping to go to Lumut next. ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#76 - Damn.

Today, I feel lost.

Owh, actually, I was doing fine, until, he came on my mind, and I read something that made me felt uneasy, and I felt bored, and I was feeling like shiet about the interview tomorrow.

Hmm. I wish he exist, but I wished I never liked him. Why did he have to look so gorgeous after 6 years. Haih.

Why did I gain so much weight after I left highbloodyschool? URGH!

Why is it December already? OMG, I won't have time to diet!!URGH!!

This company that I'm having interview with tomorrow, they seem unreal. Their website is like under construction. They company name has an enterprise at the end of it, not even Sdn. Bhd. LOL.. Therefore, I feel like 'why the fuck did I agree to go?'

BlaBlaBla.... YadaYadaYada.....

FUCK YOU MR.E!!!hehehe...no offense, just felt like saying it for fun to you. hehe.

Alright, forget Mr.E...forget...forget...FORGET!!!

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#75 - Haiyoo, Must Stop Again...

Damn..

This is torturing.

Must try again, and I know I can do it!

I'm gonna stop texting him, stop calling him, just stop looking for him again. But, stop thinking about him?Erm, that's impossible. LOL.

Newayz, all gonna be good. But he said he's coming to KL for new year and for the gathering. Well, hope to see you then. But for now, diet diet and diet!!!!!Very Importante!!Must look good!!Hehe..

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#74 - Arghhh,you make me weak..Damn..

Oh Damn...

So like my previous post says, I was suppose to not text or call Mr. E, I was doing totally fine, not texting him, not calling him for about 5days or 6days, till.....I saw him online yesterday. I don't know why, I clicked on his picture icon on facebook, talked to him, but my intention was to just say hie. But he told me to call at 12.30am. Weird. But so I did call him anyways. I asked him why he wanted me to call. Well, he said nothing, just wanted to talk about the gathering, WHICH WAS GONNA HAPPEN WAYYYYY FAR AWAY, IN JANUARY...15TH JANUARY to be exact...It's ages away...haha..

But then, OMG, hearing his voice, arghhh, it makes me weak.....I like him tooooo much...Honestly, I think about him everyday. LOL..No, I'm not a freak ok! But, he's just on my mind, ALOT. I was wishing he'd like me back. Or if he do like me, say it straight to me. Haha. Seriously, I think men who can't tell a girl that they are into the girl, is a total coward. Haha..But I know he doesn't have feelings for me. I just know.

But it's ok lah. At least, having him as a friend, getting to hear his voice, is already good enough right? :) Yes, who doesn't hope for more, but I can't take the idea of loosing him completely. So, might aswell take the pain of not getting to be in love with him, rather than the pain of loosing him. :)

Somehow, he sounded like he care. Oh well, maybe just as friends. =)

So, that's all for the update now. Oh, I received to job offers. One via email(asking me to send a CV and my portfolio in, but im not interested), another via call, then email (which he set an interview on this Friday, which is like in 3days DAMN, but the company don't look promising enough, don't even have it's own website, WTH right? Haih..) So yeah, honestly, I'm freaking out like hell, I'm super scared to enter the adult's world - W.O.R.K. Shiettt...I'm gonna be one of those people, driving on the road, with a bloody damn stressed face, stuck in the jam back from work...OMG...Die loooo....Newayz, there are other jobs I found online, which really caught my attention. I'm gonna try apply for all those too. Hope it goes well.

Newayz, love you all readers. Thanks for always supporting me by reading my blog and being my follower. :)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#73 - Gonna have to let my feelings go...

This is it.

I can't bear the pain of having to hurt myself again and again.

I don't want to be the pathetic loser who keeps on going after you.

I don't want to be the one who waits around for you.

Yeah, You never asked me to, I know, it was my own stupidity.

Therefore, I'm letting this feelings I have for you go. I must forget you. I must forget the fact that I want love. I must give my love to God, then I'll get back more than love, that's one thing for sure I know. I must stop messaging you. I must stop calling you. And when 15th January comes, I will be matured enough to be totally fine and over you, that is, if Im free to go on the 15th January gathering. LOL.

So, I won't say it's my lost, but heck, it's your lost. ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#72 - I wish I never liked you...

Let me start this post with a sigh.

Haihhhhh~

Seriously, how many of you in this world got rejected? Or liked someone(in my case,so many), but the feeling was never returned? How many of you felt what it feels like to be heartbroken(oh gosh,I don't have enough fingers to count mine)? It hurts doesn't it? Hmm..

Does it mean that it was because we like the wrong person? Or you fell in love with the wrong person? Or just because the person was choosy? Ha, this one has a point, Malaysian men are always after hot girls. LOL. But seriously. Hmm. 

Sometimes I wonder, have those people that we liked ever felt the same way like we did? Hmm. Or do they even know how pain it is to be rejected? Haha.

Anyway, this guy that I like, well, I know he has no feelings for me. But, I ask myself, "Why am I still after you?" Well, he's my friend. I met him 6 years ago at national service. Why did it take me 6 years to finally like him? Why wasn't we friends back then? Oh, but he did mention that back then, he thought I was anti-men. Haha. Next time, y'all should never judge a person by the looks, the way they bring themselves or how they dress up like. Haha. Just because I'm rough and tough, I love wearing men's clothes, I act like I'm a boy, doesn't mean I'm that. Helloo,'read between the lines', think why I did that, not just hearing what people say. Ngeh~ I'm rough and tough because I grew up not having brothers, so my dad thought me and my sisters alot of things that a father should be teaching his son, not daughters, but damn, I'm so greatful my dad thought us to be that. :) Why boyish clothes? Cause it's very comfortable, seriously. LOL. Why act like a boy? Cause I love men/boys/guys, that was 1 way to hang out with them, plus, since I was a kid, I played with boys more than girls, and, I feel like I understand man more than I can understand a women. Haihh...LMAO~

Owh, this guy, you readers know I don't mention names, so let's just call this guy MR. E. :) This mr.E told me alot of things, I learned alot about him, things that you only can learn if you meet and hang out with the guy for a year plus, I learned all that in just couple of weeks, hours of chats. Maybe cause I learn fast about humans. Hmm..

So anyway, since mr. E and I had a quarrel( i think it's a quarrel), we rarely talk now, what more seeing his 'damn i could just kiss him' face on webcam. Haihh..If you think Zac Efron is a super gorgeous hunk, this mr. E is my super gorgeous hunk, but I think if I had no feelings for him, he looks normal, not handsome, just cute maybe, MAYBE. LOL~ Shiet he's gonna kill me if he reads this. Haha.

Owh, I do like him, I really like him. But I don't think he feels the same way like I do. Hmm. But somehow, compared to previous likes, I'm taking it slow this time. And I don't feel as much pain as I do previously. Why? Cause I just like him? not like LIKE him? hmm..nah, I think I really LIKE him..haha..I think about him alot, I miss him so effing much, but then, I know, Love can't be forced, what more, forcing someone to like me back. But, that doesn't mean I should stop my efforts in making him like me. ;P Yeap, I will keep trying, slow maybe, but I won't quit just yet. Not for a long time though. Cause, you know, at somepoint, when you chase something, and you know it's a big NO-NO answer, you gonna stop. Same here in my case.

But what's weird is that, he kept saying he's a bad guy. Yes I haven't met him since 2004, but then, I feel like he's not bad, he's nice, maybe naughty yes, but not bad. Hey, reality check, everyone is naughty right? :) And it would be a miracle if he actually says 'owh, hey, i like you too'..haha..That only happens in dreams..haha..And yes, I would dream about it everyday, just dream lah, cause that ain't gonna happen. LOL. I think, he would be a great boyfriend, a great husband and a great dad. He's funny, he loves cats(I think men who loves animals,is protective, loving and safe to be with), he's nice, he's cute(haha),he's all that a girl could wish for. Hmm.

Neway, so long eh this post? Just about Mr. E..LOL...

Well, the conclusion is, I know the answer is negative, and he's my friend, so, I wished I never had feelings for him. So things would not get complicated. Haihh...

u kno u love me, 

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#71 OMG,he know now...

OHMIGOSHH...

He knows the truth of the whole truth now.

And I know the answer if it is a positive or negative too :(

But nevermind la, just having him even if just as a friend, is way better than loosing him completely right?

Well, I hope we'd still be like before, like how he always make me laugh, how he makes me happy, or better.

Ha, at least I feel relieved that I let it out of my chest now. haha.

p/s: deep down in my heart, I'd wish he felt the same. But, it's ok. Im tough, and I'll just suck it up like a soldier, like I always do.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#70 Dear you...

Dear You..

I wish I could tell you how much I'm into you. I wish I could scream my heart out and tell you that I like you. Also tell you how happy I am when I see you on webcam, or when I see your name appear online, or that you can make me laugh for hours just talking to you, or how my heart jumps when I see your face, or how excited I feel when I get your text reply, or even super excited when I received phonecalls(twice....hmm..) from you. Or how I saved those messages you sent me. Or that your name is the only name on my dialed list.

I wish you have feelings for me. I wish you feel the same way like how I feel about you. I wish you would tell me 'hey, i'm into you'. I wish you would open your heart for me. I wish you could see me for me, not for other reasons. But above all, I wish you would fall for me.

At first, I thought it was going somewhere, I seriously tried to believe that it was gonna be a positive thing this time. But, now, after today, I don't think the same anymore. I think it's negative. It was just my mind telling me that it was positive, but the real fact was, it was all negative. 

Maybe it was wrong to fall for a friend. Maybe it was wrong for me to even have feelings for you. But, why do I have a feeling like, we're so much alike. You're just a guy version of me. OMG.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#69 I have a crush on someone...

Erm..

Again..Boys..HAHA..

I didn't like him at 1st, was feeling totally normal..But then...I realized something...

★ We can talk for hours on fb chat or ym..And he can make me laugh for as long as we talk, till my cheeks get all cramped up. ★

★ Then, I saw his picture, there was this one album, he was with his cat. I have this believe that 1)pictures can tell a million thing 2) A guy that can love animals can be a women's man, loving and protective.Wahhh..★

★ He's a man in uniform. Woah!! ★

★ There was a question that I asked, and he gave an answer that shows he's a nice guy..But don't know how far true that is la...haha.. ★

At times it feels positive, at times it feels negative..haih..

Yes, I hope it will be positive, but, shud it be negative, it's ok..Been thru it alot anyways. I can deal with this too. :)

neways...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#68 - Ended my 3year war.

Wow.

It's finally over.

The three year war I was in.

It was a tough one. So much dramas.

But heck, I'm relieved that it is over.

So, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~(jumps up and down)

p/s: to be updated soon.

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#67 - Those were the days.

WOW!!

I've been in a war for 3 years, since September 2007, and now, my war is coming to an end.

My final battles will be on the 26th November 2010 and 27th November 2010. It's just matter of days now.

Will I win this war? Im positive that I will! I believe in myself! :)

Neway, the story goes like this...

In September 2007, I wasn't happy at all being in TOA, honestly. haha..But, what the heck, I had to please my mom. I remember the 1st day of orientation clearly. I saw 2 empty seats in between L and N. I choose to sit beside N..That day, I had a look that on my face that clearly said 'u talk to me, im gonna kill u!!i dont wanna be here!'..LOL...and this N, wow, she had the guts to talk to me weh. She said 'so, what course r u taking', on my mind i said 'why the fuck r u talking to me' but i turned to her, smiled, and said 'advertising'. haha..and who knew she'd be my awesome best friend. haha..then when registering, i saw cik P(u kno who u r)..I was leaning agaisnt the wall,near cik P. she was all sooo bubbly..and in my heart, i said 'oh,look at this girl, stupid bimbo'(no offense cik P), then, who knew cik P wud be my awesome best friend too...LOL!!!

Oh, i couldnt forget those 'im gonna quit' and 'i wanna die' days too. hahaha...looking back at 3 years of the past, wow, it really makes me laugh. Gosh, and those running to the toilet, crying hard in the toilet cubicles, having panic attacks, leaving scars on my hands. Oh dear, those were scary moments. Oh, not forgetting those shaking and sweating while doing presentations, hah, I practically drenched in my sweat. I often say ‘I’m going to burn down TOA’ too, and cursed everyone (I don’t mean it!!)..Funny moments!!

There were really sad ones too. The time when I had a huge cold war with cik P. Loosing her as a best friend that was hard to handle. But as time goes by, I’m sure it will be forgotten. I’m glad she’s happy. :) Oh, and I was ALWAYS hanging out at her place back then. Fell in love with a boy, her neighbour. Damn, I thought Ied was really ‘the one’. Stalking him after he came back from sabah. Wow, believe it or not, I am a pretty good stalker, I can totally work as a P.I. LOL…But, till today, he’s always in my heart…..Even my closet, and my wallet…LMAO~

There was also the part where my family doesn’t know the truth. Hehe. I purposely failed, twice. But, without realizing, the purposely failing would change me from a happy talkative person in class, to a anti-socializing person. Before, I would always be the leader, I have friends to go to lunch with, hang out with. But I failed and had to go down to a lower batch. Man that killed the happy me. Haha. But, I learned a lot from failing though. Failing is not wrong; failing is just a part of learning. :)

Well, anyhow, all this falling down, no matter how many times I fell, one thing I learnt, I would always get up, stand tall, and walk again. It made me a stronger person. I gained so much experience. Well, tell ya d truth, the experience I have in me, seriously doesn’t fit my age, I should be 30 or more. Haha. Lucky me I guess. ;p

Neway, TOA has taught me a lot, it’s just more than education, it’s about life, friends, people, experience, happiness, sadness and a whole lot more. I’m glad my mom chose to put me in TOA. Thank you TOA :)

u know u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-