bullshitting 101~#45 - Changes

While you were in college, or currently in college, have you ever question yourself,after 2years of studying -> 'Why the eff am I doing this course?' or maybe realized 'Oh shoots, I have lost my interest in this course'? 

Well I have..It took me 2 years of being in a design college, 7 years of loving arts and design..I realized, I just suck bigtime at designing, and the thought of loving arts and design, oh well, it went kapooosshhh,straight into the drain, drain of doom, coz it wasnt arts and design that I actually loved, but, it was actually, arts and crafts...

I decided to carry on anywayz..Coz, recently, if you have read my earlier post, you would realize that I was suppose to tell my parents that I wanna quit. But I didnt. =) This is my war, I cant back out now. So, Im gonna fight eventhough I get bruises, cuts, shots and bombed.

But, it's confirmed, that Im gonna fail again definately, this semester. It's confirmed that I will fail Advance Advertising Visual. There's a reason to that. Then, there's Corporate Identity 2, which the lecturer has been rejecting my work all out. This friday is the last day, final project presentation/submition. Last week, last critique, he said that I should repeat, and for the 1st time in my life, I said 'I will consider it, but, I have 1more week, I will still try to do my best.' and WOW, that feeling after that, I was proud of myself. Just like how I avoided those men who wanted to come over when my parents was gone, I knew something bad would happen if they came, I stand out for myself. WOW, i didnt feel cheap for the 1st time, that time. =) 

Is this my change? Is this being matured?

And yesterday, after chatting on MSN with Ms.S, who advised me to talk to my parents, I talked to my dad. I told him that I was gonna fail. And, I felt like crying at that time, coz I felt so relieved letting it out from my heart. I told him everything, in such a short time, I think bout 10mins. Haha. But now, the hard part, he said 'u need to tell mommy'...Aiyooo...That's hard. So, am gonna wait till my result comes, then tell. Unless, dad tells mom 1st..haha.

Newayz, Im actually loving this change in me..It made me a better person. And I hope this change last a lil longer that the last change I had. Better yet, last forever! Haha.

And, Im actually surviving without men. That's a first. Hahaha. I love being single. But that doesnt mean, Im not opening my eyes looking for a future husband. LOL~ But, Im not like before, not desperate in wanting to have a boyfriend. I mean, that's good right? Hmmm...

Well, I also realized that my blog, has become somewhat a 'diary' now..hmmm..before this, it was more like a poet's page, then, a place where i write things that hits the reader's minds, and now, this bullshitting post, has become more like a diary thingy. LMAO~

Newayz, I hope you enjoyed reading. =)

Peace out.

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#44 - recent update...

Well well...it's been,ermm,God knows how long, since my break up...

WOW!!!

It's been a week, I completely stopped texting him or calling him or YMing him...LOL...I finally forgotten him..I have no feelings towards him already...Im so so thankful that he broke up with me...Im more stable now..I can live properly now..I come home early everyday...So, Mr.M, THANK YOU SO MUCH...=D Im do glad that it is all over...And that I did it, I moved on with my life...And, because of you, you changed me..I have no feelings towards love anymore, Im not some desperate girl wanting a boyfriend anymore...Thank you..That's all I can say to you...And thank you for letting me feel once, what it feels like being in a real relationship...You wasnt bad to me, you treated me well, like a princess..Love and treat your future wife more than you loved me ok...=)

Well, my next trip of life, Im done fishing for boyfriends...It's time to fish for a husband...Well readers, I aint getting younger aite, Im getting older day by day, soon, in June, I will be 24...;)

Well, this tuesday, will be the last day of me living alone...Two weeks alone, it has been a great test from God..But Im glad I made it through...Im glad God lead me to the right way...And wow, no men was brought home while mom and dad was gone...Fuh, Im so amazed..I should totally give a pat on my shoulder..LOLz...

Newayz, that's the latest update readers...Got to go now...House cleaning time...b4 mom and dad come home...If not, geezzz, you wouldnt guess how noisy it will be if the house is dirty...haha...Take care readers...=D

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#43 - Song of the day...05032010

 The chosen song for today is by Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone....I chose it coz, im already gone..LMAO~

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone 

 yeap..so, this is the song of today...that is,for me la..haha...=D

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#42 - moha,im in love with you...LOL~

I have a friend, his name is Moha...I love him so much...Im sooo sooo in love with him.....Gosh, he's a nice guy...He helped me alot!!Im so glad that it was faith that brought us together..LOL~

Dont get me wrong ok readers...All that i have said, is as a friend..hahaha...

We can never know who will be our husband, or for the men, who will be their wife...or shud i say, wifes...hahahaha...

But Moha, if u read this, i want u to know, i really love you and appreciate you being my friend...=D im so so glad that i got a chance to know you...Love you buddy!!!

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#41 - single for 2 weeks and 1 day..

*wishing so badly that MR.M wud read this post!!!but dont get me wrong Mr.M, i dont regret, not even a lil tiny bit, that i know u in my life...im glad i did actually!!!=D *

Well well, what do we know, its been 2 weeks and 1 day ive been single..and i thank God very much, coz im fully recovered..Thanks to those friends who has been supporting me too..And thanks to my inner self, i did it, i have put him outta my mind, i dont love mr.M anymore, i dont miss mr.M anymore too...But i dont hate him actually, i really wish to thank him face to face, for letting me go, and, most of all, for being in my life and taught me so much, and for making me feel how it feels like being in a real relationship...Wow, it was an amazing feeling, it was an amazing experience, it was an adventure...Thank you so much Mr.M...we can be close friends like he wanted b4, but i dont know if he wants it anymore, haha, but, not now, just a while more...

oh yeah,enuff of mr.m storie...lets talk about Iedrus..if u guys have been following my blog, i was in love previously with mr.iedrus the sexay policeman...haha...gosh, 2weeks being single made me realize, i was obsessed over mr. m bcoz of the feel, but then, i fail to see, that i still miss mr.iedrus...gosh...even on CNY day, i went to miss P's house with mr.m, but my heart beats fast going there, wishing to see at least a glance of mr.iedrus..i was even looking up to his window...and miss P, told me yesterday, that apparently, he saw me, he heard my effing loud voice, and he saw me...OMG, does this mean, im still in his heart? or at least, he misses me? coz if he didnt give a damn, why look right?hmm..but he saw me with mr.m...haihhh...

anywayz...i told miss P to help me keep myself to stay single for 3 years...unless, its mr.iedrus coming back to my life, OR, if its a hot sexay white guy!!!hahahaha...so,hope this wish wud come true...coz, i actually promised myself to stay single b4, but then, mr.m came into my life..haha..but now, i hope to be single...3 years...lets all pray for me that i will make it, to be single for 3 years, unless mr.iedrus or a hot sexay white guy appear...AMIN...:)

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

1st April 2010

Omg, how could I forget to tell the most important part of today...

Last night, at d back of my ears, I felt pain, then i touched, felt like a round ball (thought it was a bone jutting out)...

Today, while presentation, I still felt pain, even till i got home after class. the pain is like,hmm,how do i say it in english,hmm,its berdenyut denyut la..haha..So i asked my neighbour, if her son(Dr. B, whom i adore very much,d best doctor ever!!!) is working, she said yes. Neighbour aunty is a very kind person. She then straight called her son and told him that im going to the clinic today. Awww...

Cut the story short.

I went to see Dr.B today..Well, he said the swell behind my ear is the limb, its swelling most prob coz of my throat. So he prescribe me antibiotics and pain killers for that..

Then I told him, I might be having anxiety, but im not sure, then i explained to him that im having sleeping and eating disorder, feeling very tired,blablabla...1st he checked my blood presure,u know,using that strap on thing then they press and press this air ball thingy,and that strap becomes tighter and tighter,gosh i love that.haha.well,he said blood presure is normal. Then he checked my pulse, on my right hand, he said its a lil fast, normal people wud have 52-60, but mine is 70...hmmm...then he checked my heartbeat, he said heartbeat is normal. he also asked if i have any fast heartbeat when i wake up or anytime, i said i do hyperventilate sometimes... So he said that i have a lil anxiety goin on.maybe due to stress or not enuff rest. hack,of course la, the finals, the break up, the knowing im not gonna go to US to study, the study-breakdown,ALL AT ONE TIME, how can i not be stress?!?haha...So anywayz, he gave me sleeping pills..

Then i told him, that 2 people told me that having moles coming up, alot, in a short time, might because of cancer..I also told him that i have like bout 4 / 5 moles that came up in 3 months. he asked me where, i said at my leg, mostly, that i can see of...he said nahhh,that's not cancer. that might be skin having some problems( or something like that la he said.....not sure..haha..) i didnt hear much bcoz my heart was quite relieved knowing i might not have cancer...fuhhh...can live a lil peacefully now..haha...

So yeah...then i went out...usually, i didnt have to pay...but this time, damn, rm25 gone...dad is sooo gonna kill me..harharhardyharhar ( new kinda laugh)...

newayz, i better take my pills and sleep now...its already 1.27am...nyteynite readers...

u know u love me, 

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#40 - something written down on 23rd March 2010

From this break up, I learned something,

Something so precious, to be kept in mind,

Something that no one will ever tell me..

That is, to never fall in the hands of love, ANYMORE!

I also learned that, love will always come with the word pain. They are best of friends. This is what Miss N told me.Haha.

Never trust a man! Never trust the three letter word said by a man - ' I  Love You'. Also, never let your heart be controlled by the word love,NEVER!!

But, it's gonna be quite hard to do this, but i will have to mati-matian try it! I need a change. I have to change myself. But from what I know, I already hated love, all along, grew up hating love. Haha.

And as for Mr.M, he's the biggest coward i've ever known. I was all in for this challenge, then he backed out. Like as if it wasnt hard for me to let go of the person I love? Like as if I wasnt scared of whether I will even find a nice guy like him who gave me a real relationship? Like it wasnt easy for him because he has everything planned out for him? Geezzz!!!

Now, who's happily laughing away being free, free to flirt, free to have intimate relationship with anyone, free of looking at girls, free from being chased down by his stupid use to be gf(me), free from everything, AND, see who is the one suffering the pain....I regret much of adding him on fb!!If only I could turn back time..If only...

But hey, look on the bright side, maybe meeting him in my life was the reason to 'everything happens for a reason'...because if i didnt fall in love so deep with him: 

• I wouldnt stop flirting around like a cheap bitch.
• I wouldnt have felt what it is like to be in a REAL relationship.
• I wouldnt have felt love.
• I wouldnt have stop looking around at men, b4 this, i had 'eye magnet to men'..LOL
• I wouldnt have know few good friends.
• I wouldnt have felt a real guy, with a real sincere heart.
• I wouldnt have known about the lake at Heritage,LOL.
• I wouldnt have watched - gray's anatomy season 6, entourage season 5, and so much more...:)
• I wouldnt have felt the feeling of having a husband.
• I wouldnt have felt the feeling like 'secretly married to a guy,no one knows about it,but every morning crawl into bed with him.
• I wouldnt have felt what it feels like seeing him the 1st thing in the morning when i opened my eyes, and seeing him the last thing at night before i close my eyes.
• I wouldnt know what sex is all about.
• I wouldnt have felt what it feels like having a boyfriend who pays for almost everything..
• Most of all, I WOULDNT HAVE FELT, HIS LOVE. 

Still, till today, after deciding to let him go from my life, after all the pain i went through, somehow, thinking bout him, still makes me smile.. 


u know u love me,
x.o.x.o.

~PoemTime~

~The Magic Beneath~
-written on the 22nd of March 2010-
*it was written on a Monday, third day after the breakup. I was inspired by the lake I was hanging out at, at the apartment, at Seri Kembangan.*

The lake, the peaceful water,
It dances slowly, gracefully,
The smell of the lake,
Oh how it excites me.

The sun shines on the water,
How beautiful it is,
It's more heart warming than a diamond,
This is it,
The home of many water creatures,
But here I am,
Wondering, pondering alone,
Is there more than the water creatures?
Perhaps a wonderland, beneath the calm waters,
Perhaps a party underwater,
Perhaps a mermaid land,
Perhaps, a magical underwater, yet haven't been touched,
Secretly hiding, smiling happily to be unfound,
Oh, what if they are looking at me?
I should then be at my best look, yes, I should!
And I can, I already felt magic.

~The Call From The Lake~
-written on 22nd of March 2010-

I hear my name being called,
They are calling me,
Softly, soft voices almost a whisper,
"Nathra, Nathra, Come join us"

This is it, I thought,
My chance to be happy and free,
Gracefully swimming side by side with them,
No more thinking to do, no more worrying,
Just be me, wild and free.

But then came a strong wind,
Along with the thunder,
Waking me from my daze,
Realizing me of reality,
"I can't," I answered softly,
"This is my world, this is my choice,
My life is here, I belong on land." 

Then I heard, soft cries,
The nature begin to sound,
The crows begin crowing badly, repeatedly,
But they understood, my choice.


But I know and they know,
My heart will always be with them, 
I am, their warrior, their saviour,
I vow my life to them.

~I am, me~
-written on the 22nd of March 2010-

This is it, this is me,
Im lucky,
Im lucky to own this perfectly good pair of eyes,
To see how beautiful the nature is,
How beautiful the sky and clouds are.
Im lucky to own this perfectly good ears,
To hear the sound of nature,
The sound of birds, the sound of water.
Im lucky to own this perfectly good senses,
To feel the beauty of nature,
The beauty of life.


And I saw, the evil me,
Waving goodbye,
Her part is done, and, I won,
I won my destiny,
I choose to let it be,
I choose to be happy,
All along, I thought others influenced me,
But now, I woke up,
From the 24 years of dreaming.


It's all in my hands,
It's only me who can change my destiny,
It's a new day, it's a new hope,
I am, me.


u kno u love me,
x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#39 - 01.04.2010

~1st.APRIL.2010

Today, I didn't text or call him at all..I have to be strong and move on in life...Move away from him...1st step is to stop texting or calling him!!And I keep telling myself "Nathra,you are a strong independent women, you can do it, you can let him go from your life!!!" But who said I cant post songs for him here right? Like he always say, "LOL" ....

So, today's pick, is Sean Paul feat. Jay Z - Do You Remember?

I've been thinking about you
And how we used to be then
Back when we didn't have to live we could start again...
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back...
(Yo Jay Sing for these ladies!)...
So long since you've been missing
It's good to see you again
How you how you doing
And how about we don't let this happen again...
There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Jay Sean Do You Remember
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back!)...
Yo ay girl yo bring it back to the time when you and me had just begun
When I was still your number one
Well it might seem far-fetched baby girl but it can't be done
I've got this feeling fire blazing and it's hot just like the sun
Know you feel it too my girl just freeze up may the good vibes run ...
Girl take a sip of the champange take a lil trip down my lane my girl
While you noe every night you'll feel alright look I tell you dis girl atta My world
Dont change imma na Rearange Ay girl imma tell you straight dis atta my world
How many years do you want come kiss dis I know you miss this
That's what I heard that's what I heard that's what I heard word girl ...

There's nothing left to say
Don't waste another day
Just you and me tonight
Everything will be okay
If it's alright with you then it's alright with me
Baby let's take this time let's make new memories...
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Do you remember do you remember do you remember
All of the times we had
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Let's bring it back)
Let's bring it back (Oh)
Let's bring it back....

And from the Ronan Keating's - Stay, I love this lines...

Why dont u stay, 

im down on my knees, 

Im so tired of being lonely, 

Dont I give you what u need?

Will try to update everyday aite...

p/s: "Happy Aprilfool Day everyone...Happy being fooled!!" - no,i hate to be fooled and i dont fool people..

u kno u love me, 

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#38 - Lyrics for Mr.M...

My number 1 song for him is, Smile, by Uncle Kracker...Coz no matter what, Mr. M always, ALWAYS made me smile...

~SMILE~

You're better than the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip-side of my pillow (that's right)
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
Let's me know that it's okay (yea, it's okay)
And the moments when my good times start to fade....
You make me smile like a sun, Fall outta bed
Sing like a bird, Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile....
Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along just like a flower pokin through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain
And just like that...
Don't know how I lived without you
'Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like fool, Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile...
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh you make me smille
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh you make me smille....

 :)

Brian McKnight songs are really good for a person who's still in love eventhough he/she was dumped/broke up..Here are my selected song lyrics for him...All from Brian McKnight...

~Still In Love~

I think I must be dreaming
That you are here with me
Must have died and gone to heaven
And it's all that I hoped it would be..
When the eagles forget how to fly
When it's twenty below in July
And when violets turn red
And roses turn blue
I'll be still in love with you..
I live to be around you
You take my breath away
Can't help but talk about you
Every night and day...
When eagles forget how to fly
And it's twenty below in July
And when violets turn red
And roses turn blue
I'll be still in love with you...
All I need is you
Need you just to hold me, console me
Over and over.......I love you...
When the eagles forget how to fly
And it's twenty below in July
And when violets turn red
And roses turn blue
I'll be still in love with you
Still in love with you...

~Kiss Your Love Goodbye~

Tell, tell me it isn't so
You say you have your reasons for leaving
You have to go
I watch you turn and walk away
And I'm searching to find
The right words to say
Hoping and praying you'll stay...
So I'll kiss your love goodbye
I guess it wasn't meant to be
I gave my all, you've tried
And now I see
The love caught my eye
I went blind
And now it makes me cry
The only thing I can do
Is kiss your love goodbye...
Why, why should I look deep inside
To find where I went wrong, girl
'Cause after all, you'll still be gone
Oh how I've tried
Though I gave my best to you
You were determined to leave
And there's nothing I can do
Guess that none of my dreams won't come true...
I won't ask you why
(I won't ask you why)
Give me back my pride
'Cause time will mend
The heart that you've broken, baby
I'll let you go
Though I love you so
I'll find a way to kiss your love goodbye...
I guess it wasn't meant to be
I gave my all, you've tried
And now I see
The love caught my eye
I went blind
]Now it makes me cry
The only thing I can do
Is kiss your love
Is kiss your love
Is kiss your love goodbye
Goodbye...

~Till I Get Over You~

I remember the way you used to
Touch me all time
I told you how I was
The luckiest man alive
And now I hear you showin' off
Your new boy, frontin'
Like everything's all right
I'll be damned if I let you know
That I still
Find it hard to sleep at night...
[1] - Outside I'm smiling
Inside I'm crying
I just keep denying
Till I get over you...
Endless times I stayed up
All night, waiting for you to call
Lying to myself
'Cause, you aren't thinking 'bout me at all
My eyes are holding back the tears
My pride won't let you see me act a fool
Cuz I'll be damned if I let you know
That I still feel something for you...
Can't forget the way we touched
(Every day, every night, baby)
And the way we used to make love
(I still remember how it feels)
Baby, but now it's over and you're gone
(I've got to say goodbye)
Because I know, I can't go on without you...

~Show Me The Way Back To Your Heart~
I remember days and nights were never cold
Had you in my life, I had you there to hold
And I remember love warm as a summer day
But I lost you
And I lost my way
Now I'm in the rain
Begging you please, please
Baby, won't you show me the way back to your heart
Let me see a sign to know if I'm close or far
Lead me back to the road
That leads back to your arms
Every night another lonely street
I walk down alone
Searching for a light
Your light to lead me home
Leave a candle in the window
And let it shine for me
Take my hand and take these tears away
I can't take the pain
I'm on my knees begging you please...
Take my hand
Take me in your arms
I'm out in the dark
Down on my knees, begging you please 

~Can You Read My Mind~

When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?
Oh when I look at you
I probably should go
Cause I wanna be with you
More than you'll ever know
Hmm for a taste of you
I could calm my desire
Baby you blow my mind
You light my fire, oh
I want you (yeah)
Need you (yeah)
Can't live without you
When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?
Is it the way I feel?
The curiosity or the things you do
That brings out the lust in me
The thought of me and you, drives me wild
Come close to me
Can you stay awhile?
Hold you, need you
Can't live without you
When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?
When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?
Yeah
Hold you, need you
Can't live without you
When I'm all alone at night
I can hear the beating of your heart
I should tell you and I might
Before you tear me apart
You're all I ever think about
All I ever dream about
Can you read my mind?
Can you read my mind?

~ONE LAST CRY~

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry...
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry...
Cry.....
I was here
You were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry...
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Stop living a lie...
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on
And on ....
And on ....
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Been living a lie...
I guess I'm down,
I guess I'm down,
I guess I'm down...
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

Yeah..Im gonna back off now, stop haunting him and his life, stop sad pathetic messages begging him to come back..Im so tired...But if he could see, that Im just a girl, standing in front of him, asking him to be mine, even just for a while...and if he could see, that every second with him is a precious moment for me...But what can I say, I tried, I fought for this love, but now, I gave up...Im too tired...If it's writen that he'd be with me for a while more, then no matter what, he'd still be with me for a while more,But if it's writen that he will be gone, then he will be gone...So, I'll put it in God's hands...After all, he will always be in my heart..Everything happens for a reason, so, this break up, there must be a reason to it..But, no matter what happens in life, as long as we breathe, we must keep getting up, and move ahead for the future..:)

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#37 - real bullshyt!!

I thought to myself,

Here I am,

Feeling so sad,

Unable to even have the feel of wanting to look at a man,

Unable to even think of the word fun,

And there he is,

Having fun..

Going ahead with his life...

Shit...

Then I tell myself, 

WTF?!?!

bullshitting 101~#35 - The YM note to my dearest love...

26.March.2010

i couldnt resist myself from not telling him what my heart feels.i didnt want to text or call him,so,through YM,i sent him this long message.it came from my heart.

yes,i still wish he'd come back to me for a while more. each time my phone rang, be it msg or phonecall,my heart beats faster than a F1 car.every morning when i wake up, i question myself if it was a dream or not.but, i realize, it was a reality. he will never come back to me. and i have to let him go. i am strong. i know i can do it.so nathra, let him go, kiss him goodbye.

hello,hi,i need to tell u d truth.the truth is,1st,im sorry,i was so angry bcoz u dumped me now,not b4 u leave to yemen.there is a big difference u dump me now n u dump me later.plus,i just wanted to feel love for a while more.but,its ok.im recovering now.but yes,i do miss u so much.n still love u so much.i kno u wont talk to me ever again.mayb that's d best.for me to forget u.but u kno what,i think u're a coward for not being able to go thru that pain,coz i took d challenge,but u didnt.and i think u dont love me anymore.and maybe,i wasnt even sure of wanting to marry u.but,i was sure that i did love u.but nvm,im sure God has plans for all of us.and im sure,i will get to go thru this,eventhough it hurts so much u leaving me just like that now.

 but,i want to assure u,coz i like to be assured,assure u that i would have totally be fine if u left me later,now,im hurt,yes,bcoz i didnt expect this at all.but i shud have seen it coming.all the signs,of u,wanting to break up with me.u wanted to break up a long time ago,am i right.haha.but whatever it is,i tried not to miss u,i tried not to love u,i tried not to think of u,i tried to be angry at u,but i just cant.n evryday,i pray,that u will change ur mind n come back to me for a while more,but i know,that is just my imagination,it wont happen.but,want u to kno,i miss ur smell,ur smile,the sex,ur love,ur skin,ur sweat,ur hands,ur hair,ur style,ur heart,ur voice,basically,i miss the whole u.take gud care of urself.remember,love ur wife no matter what,n never toy with her heart.

and thank u,for being the best boyfriend ever,thank u for giving me love when i needed it so badly,eventhough u taken it away frm me now(hehe),but the most is,thank u,for being u,for being happy.im glad at one point,i did make u happy n u made me happy.thank u.goodbye mohamed,goodbye baby.u'll always be in my heart.

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#34 - Live diary

18.January.2010.

~ A man, came into my life, gave me happiness, gave me love, changed my life, made me a whole new person, made me believe in love, made me change my perspective over sex, basically, he changed my life and made me smile again.

20.March.2010.

~ That man, whom was suppose to be with me a while more, before he get back to reality of marrying someone else(arranged marriage), DUMPED ME. He said, he could not lie to himself, lie to me. Eventhough I made my choice, knowing that he cant marry me, I told him, its occay, as I accepted that fact, I accepted the fact that, I only have appoximately 3more months to be with him, happily in love, but...he took it away. Cruel, evil, wishing badly to hate him, yet, I couldnt. But then, I tried and tried, I guess its no use. Maybe he didnt know, he was,to me, the strength, courage and bravery to face the world. And yes, I was already so madly deeply in love with him. And from what he said, he loves me very much too. But, why say 'before we fall more deeply and hurt ourselves more'? Hmmm...Nevermind, let that be it...Ive said it once,to a guy,Im gonna say it again,here, 'I love him, and I will always love him, till I draw my last breath.' But, i have once learnt, that, 'if you love someone, you gotta learn to let the person go.' So, I will...

20.March.2010.

~ After all that commotions, crying, blablabla, I went home. And if you readers read my post before this, you will know, I was already feeling way lower than depressed, and the break up was a real wrong timing thingy. So, I was at home, mom and dad noticed something different, coz I went to bed early, sitting in the dark, tears flowing automatically, brains was thinking more than usual, dizziness due to the bottle of beer. I made my decision. Ive decided to talk to dad. Well, why not mom? Occay, the reason is because, talking to a women, is not as easy as talking to a men. K? : ) Well, before that, let me remind you, I may not have written this in my blog, but i wrote it on facebook. Ive finally found my dream job, to be a photographer with National Geography and to also have my very own 'Kid's Arts & Craft Centre'...It may not be a big dream to you readers, but to me, its way bigger than big. Its my passion. Working anywhere near animals. Teaching kids(people said i have the patience to teach kids, i gave tuitions bfore :D ) So, now, Im waiting till Tuesday comes, Im gonna talk to my daddy, it's my only chance. I cant take the pain of lying to myself, what more, lying to them. I SHOULD HAVE done this a long time ago, but only now, after the break up, I decided to take actions for myself. I shouldnt rely on anyone anymore, what more, cling on to the word 'LOVE'...Since daddy is good at business, mommy is good with registrations and stuff(she had her own kindergarden) and Im good at teaching and also at arts and crafts, Im sure, if we three joined our talents together, we can be on top. YES. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!! But honestly, I cant study anymore, Im done with it.

22.March.2010.

~ Moha, a really nice friend of mine, is gonna leave on this date, meaning, today. He helped me alot when I had ups and downs with that man I loved and have lost. Moha, is simply a great friend. I hope to meet him again, someday, somewhere, in future. I love him very much (as friends). I wish him all full luck for his future. And that I will always be there for him, through ups and downs, through happiness and sadness, I will always be there for him, and I will forever be his friend, good friend, best friend, a shoulder to cry on.

23.March.2010.

~ This date, marks it all. Im gonna talk to my dad. Like adults. Wish me luck guys!!

* As we go on, we remember, all the times we've, spent together..I just wanted to spend every last minute I had before the time comes with him...But its ok Nathra, you love him, you gotta let....him......GO. *

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#33 - The happenings...

I never thought it would be this hard...

Why is it always unfair?

Why?

1) I love him so much..I would do anything for him(SERIOUSLY,ANYTHING!!but not stupid things la..haha)..Time is running out...but why cant we be like we use to be?happy...or is it true that once men make a girl fall deeply in love,then they are not scared of loosing her?hmmm...i was scared of loosing him..but now..he made me feel like im the worst girlfriend ever..and he just proved that i can never be in a nice relationship..honestly readers,im a girl,i started dating at the age of 16,now im 24,but i already have almost 30 ex bfs..WTF rite??hmmm...

2) Parents..why cant they have planning for their kid's future before having the kids?hmmm...or at least,make the right decisions whether or not to have kids more than they can afford?hmm...not informing the kid 'malaysia,or any other country,where r we gonna find the money to send u to study?' FUCK MONEY LA!!!because of money,my dreams are broken..my life has officially ended..coz i dont have the mood,courage and effort to study or to go US anymore!!!

3) Im feeling like shit..super depressed...way lower than the word depressed...shootsss...i swear,if my house has a gun, the bullet is sooo gonna go through my head...then i'll be free from the world..only gonna have to worry bout whats gonna happen in hell..hahaha...yeah,im definately gonna go to hell..huhu...

yeah...that's few happenings that's going on in my life, on my effing head, all at the effing same time!!!haihhh...the rest is bout my sister, self issues and education...hmm..

got to go now...thanks for reading!! : )

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#32- Understanding love

L-O-V-E

What do we understand from this four letter word? Does it only mean l-o-v-e, or does it actually has a meaning?Well, from my understanding, there are two kind of love, love that actually mean very deep or love just for the sake of saying...

LOVE:

 1) Love and a relationship, cannot be started based on lies.

 2) Love is a big thing, it is when 2 people, has deep feelings for each other.

 3) Love won't work if you cheat.

 4) Love can be pretty painful, for example, when you love a person so much,truly n madly,but the person hurt you by lying or cheating,even if it is just a small white lie.

 5) Love in a relationship, need to have trust, without trust, there's no point in being in love with each other.

 6) Love can be pretty confusing, for example, sometimes, we confuse our self with love,like and fling.

 7) Love can be very very deep indeed.

 8) Love is pure and true.

 9) Love is when you and your partner, share everything together, no shyness, no secrets.

10) Love sometimes is just a game, it's up to you to play and tackle it right.

11) There's two kind of love in this world - 'puppy love' n 'matured love'.

12) Love doesn't only mean 'SEX'.

13) Love doesn't only mean love for partner, it can also be for anything, from living things to objects.

14) Love is somehow a special feeling, tickling your heart, making it so excited and nervous at the same time.

15) Love can also be addictive, for example, a person can be dependent on it.(dangerous)

16) Love is not a thing to play around with.

17) Love can also be love for God.

18) Love can cure hearts, it can change a person from being sad or depressed to being happy.

19) Love can be blind, it can be anyone you will fall in love with.

20) Love is sometimes, lame, dumb and stupid.

So, now, what is your understanding of love? Hmmm... Don't you think love is one hell of an amazing thing, but damn complicated at the same time?

Hahaha...

you know you love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#31 - Scared.

This is life, feeling scared is something that can't be separated with human beings. Therefore, I have that feeling too. Its killing me inside. Im so scared....

Im scared of:

• Loosing the man I currently love so much.
• Loosing my precious relationship with my sister.
• Loosing my family.
• This lack of motivation feeling that I'm feeling which is bringing me down in studies.
• Not being able to achieve my dreams to go to the U.S. to be a photographer with National Geographic and nudity photographer freelance/with Playboy.
• Being alone in this evil world.
• Loosing all my babies(Cats,Tortoises n Fishes).
• Being a loser.
• Being a sad pathetic person I use to be,again...
• Hurting the heart of the man I love.
• Missing people alot, coz it makes me cry.
• L.O.V.E.
• Going crazy and loosing my mind.
• Having anger management issues.
• Loosing my husband(I don't know who that is gonna be) coz I hate sex.
• being so scared...

There's many more points that I can type, but I rather not bore all of you readers :)

"Fears need to be faced with bravery"

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#30 - damn damn bz...

hello readers...

Well, 1stly, I would like to apologize, for not updating my blog, for such a long time. Since I came back from AbuDhabi (beautiful n peaceful place), everything is just so messed up. Ive been too busy. I only have time for my facebook.haha..Anyway, here's the updates...

I went twice, to abudhabi, i went, i came back, i spent the worst one week in malaysia, then i flew to abudhabi again. hahaha...thanks to my sister for the expenses. the trip, it was beautiful. i never thought UAE would be such a beautiful country. im loving abudhabi, and winter in UAE was awesome! COLD,BUT NO SNOW!!haha..

I came back on the 5th of January 2010. and classes started on the 6th. haha...So, the 1st week of college was like, "aha,whatever...boring..blablabla..." then came then 2nd week, gosh, a lil heavy...and when the 3rd week came, i was like 'shittt,die die die...' (so much of wanna change into a positive person yeah?haha)

Then......lalala....came the cheezy part...haha..I met someone...on facebook...who's now my boyfriend...its such a coincident ok...that he's Arab..he's from Yemen..haha..and,from what i see, and what my bestfriend(N) and my cousin(R) see, he loves me alot..dunno la how it goes..im feeling a lil hard to trust and to give in fully these days..maybe bcoz of Ied..haha..

Oh,not forgetting...I told my parents about my sister(the best sister anyone could ever have)...and my sister found out...now..she's not talking to me..she said 'I NEVER WANT TO KNOW YOU EVER AGAIN!!GET OUT FROM MY FUCKING LIFE!!' shit...i miss her so much...oh T, i wish i could hug and say that i miss u so much..look readers,dont judge me wrong ok..my intention was pure and true...i was trying to save her..i guess, she wants to drown in her own mistakes forever, fine then!!hahaha...

So readers, that's a lil update for you guys...im really sorry for not updating this blog..Soon yeah?hehehe...Im trying my best to do well this year...its my final year..one year only..coz i have a target..my target is to study in US next year..therefore, no failing..no hanky panky stuff..hehe..but i will do keep updating once in a while..In the mean time, please bare with me!!!

x.o.x.o.,

you know you love me,

-nathra-

To my lovely loyal readers ;)

Hello there people,
Well,im just writing this post to apologize to all you loyal and kind readers, for not updating my blog for quite some time now.
Ive been darn busy since end of nov till now.
Last minute plans..
Travelled alone on the plane, 4times..
Travelled to abudhabi,TWICE..
Had the best holiday in my life,being with my sister..
Will update soon yeah..
But for now, just hang in there, be patient, and take care..
Not forgetting, HAPPY NEW YEAR, but for me, what's new?nothing is new for me..haha..

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#29 - CHANGING MYSELF!!!

yesterday, i had a talk with a friend..

well,finally,someone actually did make me realize that i shud change myself..

i hate this person i am now, i wanna be the person i was before i became this ugly monster..haha..

Today, i woke up feeling happy, feeling grateful to be alive...

i have a long way more to go, and im gonna make it right!!

people, you gotta love yourself!!!yes!!and i will love myself..God didnt gave me life for nothing right?..hehe...

well, remember readers, "The climb is a struggle, BUT, the view up there, is awesome!!!"

u know u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#28

Well, hello there readers..Today, i did this psychology personality test on facebook, i usually do those quiz when im bored,and just for fun..but gosh, this quiz said some true stuff about me...so,the result is below here, for u to know a lil more info about me..hehe..well,its all true except for the last 2 points ok..ehehe...

Dear Nathra Nd, below are your PSYCHOLOGY PERSONALITY test result:

You love the crowd... a party animal! Too many “friends”, you can’t easily tell which among them is real and not...

You’re usually expressive... Open about your emotions and most of the time willing to talk about it.

You love deeply... you may flirt along and people think you’re a playboy/playgirl but the truth is: your heart belongs to only one.

You appreciate simple things in life... You hate complicating things that’s why you’re typically up-front in any aspect.

You’re an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend... You don’t care if your partner doesn’t really love you as long as you love him/her. You give your all...

You’re intimidating! People have an impression that you’re elite—or if not, you simply look sophisticated. You gain praises but not companions.

You’re independent! You’re also risky just like the bajaken who sail in the vast and dangerous ocean to look for treasures!




u know u love me,
x.o.x.o.