ikut suka hati

omg..its 1st may...its may already...mayyyyyyyyyy.....

iedrus is suppose to come back this month..i wonder what will happen...everything is gonna change...everything...

i miss him..but im actually damn scared..actually, im pretty damn scared of alot of shit that is happening to me right now..hmm..i wonder how will all this end..

i use to think that 'life is just a game,so i shud play it well' but i guess,i screwed up actually...hmm..

oh yeah, have u people ever had a fren who was so hard to talk to?dia ske ikut kepala dia je..dia buat2 takde hal, tapi kebenarannye,dia mmg ada hal..pukimak sial orang camtu..eeee...ko jangan satu hari,aku hilang sabar,sepak terajang je muka bangang ko tu!!ish ish...kalau la ko tahu semua ni...wkakakakakakaka....bodo!!

word of the post:
-ungrateful bitch, go screw ur self!!-

ohhhh,takut takut takut...iedrus nak balik...hmm...

sudahlah...

penat...

the swearing post!!

tonight,im just here,sitting alone,using my sister's lappie,at my sister's place,well,i feel so much hatred in me..i feel like i hate someone close to me..for sooo many reasons...damn sick and tired of this person's stupid fake acting..u r one hell of a fucking good actor la ha?god damn it!!buat tambah dosa aku je la ko ni!!

neway, i feel that i dont deserve to be breathing in this world..ive been failing all my life..im a big time failure..i never score something..and now,even worse,im having this huge fucking dilemma, need to tell my parents that i failed,again,but this time,no otp or wat so ever shit..

by the way, to all u ppl who kononnye say that i shudnt give up studying,just carry on studying, and shit like that,or even saying u understand wat im going through but the fact that u actually dont,go fuck urself,also to u people who have thoughts like 'maybe nathra is lazy',well im not lazy,i have issues with the education shit coz i aint interested in studying,so again,go fuck ur fucking self u fucking people!!seriously!!coz if u really understand n feel what im going through,then u will know how fucking shitty i feel!!so far,only 2frens of mine understand,coz they went through it,nix and nathia...this problem im facing,is actually something really weird,its a weird disease...have u ever,have a task to be done,u wanna do it,but when u sit n concentrate to do it,u just loose it,u cant do it,and the next thing u think is 'i rather die' and u feel like the world is coming to an end...thats what i went through,therefore,i failed marker rendering fucking stupid class...

see,my problem here is that,in my mind,"i dont fucking knoe why i have to fucking study when i dont even wanna work after studying,and i wanna be a professional photographer n have my own studio,not some stupid advertising design person"...this is what in other people's mind's,"studying is important,having a career is important"...this is what my so called parents who wont try to be in my shoes understand,"studying is important,career is important,having a great job is good for your future,money is everything these days"....well one thing i wanna say,"WELL U FUCKING PEOPLE,TRY BEING IN MY FUCKING SHOE FOR ONE DAY,U WONT EVEN LAST!!"

im sorrie for all the swearing used in this post, to those of u who has no connection with me but so happen reads my blog...but those of u who knows who u fucking people are,remember,go fuck ur self!!and only i knoe who u r...opps,unless u terasa la..sape makan cili,terasa la kepedasannye kan...dont bother calling me and kononnye pretending that u care about me la ok,or just to ask me if u r the one im talking bout,those many many people,coz i will always pretend that im nice...

i wish, i was unborn..

i wish, i wasnt this useless,

i wish, i was that perfect person u wanted me to be...

mom dad, im sorrie to say,

u have a loser daughter who happens to be a big failure!!

and so happen,

she feels that she hates u,

but till today,

she wonders, that if she hates u,

y doesnt she have the guts to fucking leave u,

or to fucking die...

im sorrie i have to be this BIG DISAPPOINTMENT in ur lives...

wish my parents cud knoe how i truly feels...

and wish i have the guts to tell them everything...from A to Z...

-ended with tears-

from cinderella story to life story...

ive just finished watching 'a Cinderella story'...

and i asked myself, when will my 'Cinderella' story happen?will it even happen,for me?im pretty sure, alot of u had it b4...hmmm...

well, im about to screw up my life..ive been slacking in college..im 100% sure that im gonna fail marker rendering class..and the others, im not sure..but, here i am, realizing, that this is the real me..im just a failure..a girl who has a bright oppurtunity in life, but chooses to be a failure dure to her lack of interest in studying..this is all because of her lack of having patience in life...

im scared at the same time..coz i keep questioning..all these questions in my mind..what's gonna happen in my future?

and, how will i tell my parents?that i am so interested in photography.and 5years ago, my sister asked me 'picture ur self in 5years time'...i just couldnt picture it..but now, i can picture my self as a professional photographer, of course with much learning, i know, i will be the best professional photographer some day...but, i have parents who thinks having a cert, just a paper, of a degree is so damn important..but they fail to see, that i am suffering, that i have no interest in studying anymore, and most importantly, i myself is dissapointed..because i cant be who they want me to be..but then, its always me sacrificing for them..when am i gonna sacrifice for my self?

bla bla bla..will update my blog soon..coz, tears are already in my eyes..i better stop writing now..

daaa...

newsflash bout ied 2!

well, an anonymous person asked me 'so what happened to ied?'

so here i am, answering...

its been 5months:
-9th March 2009: 5months since i last saw ied
-13th March 2009: 5months since i last heard from ied

well,does that answer u?
ok..i am still,waiting,but i was also being a bitch,i dated other guys too at the same time..
till yesterday,i realized that the reason to this behavior is because i am angry at ied, because i love him and miss him so much, but im mad coz im being abandon, and with all my stupid messed up shitty problems, i need him the most right now.

so anyway,
2more months to go, i will still wait..after all, ive waited for 5months, how can 2more months hurt me,rite?

hope this post answer your question. will update if got news..hehehe...

and,thanks for reading my blog!

accidentally fell...

accidentally...
I EFFING ACCIDENTALLY FELL...

that new friend of mine,
i accidentally fell...

and now,
IM HURT..
im so hurt inside..
my soul is suffering..

have you readers ever felt it before?that u have a new opposite site best friend,and u like that person at first,but u know that person has a person whom he/she love,and u know that u r not his type,and u know not even in a million years he will fall for u,and he's the perfect person,he's great,nice,awesome,and somehow,both of u share the very same interest in alot of things,THEN,suddenly,one stupid day,u realized that u have fallen in love with that person,but u cant tell that person how u feel about him/her,but then u effing hurt inside,so pain,ur soul is crying hard,u feel sad n depressed,and deja jealous.......

im going through that hard pain right now..
and trust me,
it hurts so bad..

the worst part is,
i am still hanging on as a bestfriend,
seeing him on the phone with his girl,
talking to me about his girl...

but deep inside me,
i prayed so hard,
wishing he will fall for me too....

my new friend...

i have a friend...
a new friend...
he's great,
he's perfect,
he's everything anyone cud ever dream of..
he's nice,
he's sweet,
he's just so amazing..

but...
im not his type,
i know he will never fall for me..
plus,
he's just so amazing,
our friendship is just so perfect,
i dont think i wanna screw it up...

but somehow,
i wanna be the one in his heart,
somehow,
i pretend to be fine when he talks about his girlfriend...
somehow,
i really enjoy hanging out with him,
somehow,
not talking to him in one day feels soooo wrong,
somehow,
i feel thankful i got to know him..

now i feel pissed,
coz his gf treats him badly...
coz he's just so great and perfect..
he shud be appreciated...

eventhough he's not my boyfriend,
but he sure treat me like he is my boyfriend...

he's like iedrus..
exact!!

i hope im not in love with him, yet...till whenever..

hurmppp....

scars on my hands,im suicidal again

she's pretty messed up now
no..
she's totally messed up now
she's regretting a lot of things now
she should be dead by now
she should be outta this world by now

but,
should she?
what about others who love her,
what about others whom she loved,
what about others..

then she thought again,
its always about others,
and she's always being left out,
she's always the 2nd choice,
she's always pretending to be happy,
she's always being dumped by everyone,
it was never about her..

who is she?
is she me?
i wonder...

then i got the answer,
it is me..
i always want everything to be about me..
but that never happened,did it?

but,
secretly,slowly,after being patient,
after wanting something so badly,
somehow,i get it..

then i realize,
when i've set my eye on something,
i must get it..

yeah..that's me..
im a psycho,go-hatter,crazy,outta this world,wants everything but dunno what i want person..
im a bitch..
im a freak..

then i realize,
oh,
i hate myself,
that's why,
its 'scars on my hands,im suicidal again'..

my dlsr!!weee!!!

i got it!!!
im so happy!!
nikon D60kit...
RM1870...
mummy said its my early birthday present..which is in june..
awesome la!!!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
WOOT WOOOOTTTTT!!!

pern n nix..ingat lagu ni x?haha..

pern and nix...do u guys remember this song i modified for college?

apa salahku,
kau buatku begini,
dalam dilema diantara berjuta kerja..
usah biarkan diriku keseksaan,
melakukan kerja kerja yang membebankan..
tidak pernah ku duga ini semua terjadi,
oh-wo-oh-oh...semua ini..
telah banyak yang ku beri,
sejak 1st day lagi,
kesabaran telah pun dicabar..
hanyalahhh Tuhan saja,
bisa memahami semuanya,
kesabaran daku meneruskan..perjalanan....

cinta dalam hati

this song..has a million meanings for me..hmm...

mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
mengagumi tanpa di cintai
tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
dalam hidupmu, dalam hidupmu

telah lama kupendam perasaan itu
menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
bahagia untukku, bahagia untukku

reff:
ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu
meski ku tunggu hingga ujung waktuku
dan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
dan ijinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejab saja

kenape?

kepada,
-kamu-

salahkah aku suka padanya?
salahkah aku berterus terang?
bukannya aku nak suka pada dia..
tapi hati dah terpikat,nak buat macammane?
penantian itu sangat menyeksakan..

i just wanna be the one you share your love with..
it was fun laughing with you..
it was fun knowing you..
i wanna be that special one..

tapi,kalau susah sangat,
takperlah..
biarlah aku menjadi temannya sahaja..
biarlah aku mengenalimu setakat berkawan..
kerana,itupun dah cukup istimewa buatku..

dari,
-aku-

ZA...

it starts from KAMI and the star news paper..

i secretly adored him..
i secretly have feelings for him..
by accident..
i never knew i wud like u alot..
and i read ur poem for her..
i wish i cud be her in that poem..
i wish i cud be part of ur life..
i wish i cud share ur moments..
i wish i cud be the one who have great laughs with u..
i wish i cud be the one holding ur hands..
i wish i cud be the one u hug..
i wish i cud be the one u kiss..
and if u marry that person,
i wish i cud be that person..
i wish i cud be the 1st thing u see in the morning..
i wish i cud be the last thing u see before u sleep..
i wish i cud be the one who u give ur love to..

i never thought,
i wud like u,
to this extend...

i cant catch up...

have u guys ever....
felt so tired?
ur brains are dead?
ur body has decided to weaken up?
ur mind cant make decisions anymore?
u r at the edge if giving up,or maybe u have gave up?

its like,u r standing at the edge of a broken bridge,on top of a mountain,and below u is a never ending river,and just one more step,u will fall,from high above,into the river below,and that's when it all ends,all ur problems,ur tears,ur broken smiles,ur life,ur breath,ur relationships..everything..in just a split second..*poofff*..it all goes away..

that's me..
that's what i feel..
that's the simplest,best explanation i cud say about how i feel...

at this point of life,
i cant cope up with college..
this sem is so hard..
im just one body..
but they give me everything to do like i have 10 body..
its not easy..
i wonder,how can other's cope up..
then again,
everyone is different..
they r stronger,im weaker..
oh..i see...

well,yet,i still try..
i pray for the best..
i need the light from God..
to shine my path,
to lead me to the right way..

-the end-

DEJA-JEALOUS!!

jealousy...
taking over my body..
taking over my mind..

today,i went for my old highschool buddy's wedding..
she's my age..23..she got married today..im so happy for her..
and few weeks ago,my other highschool buddy got engaged..good for her too..

and me..
my frens asked me..'ko bila lak?'
all i said was,'nak ada bf pun takleh lagi,ni lak nak kawen/tunang'

its true..
im 23years old..
but..
my parents dont let me be in a relationship..
and,its also hard for me to have a guy friend..
hmmm....

oh,im tired of being nathra..

im getting paid just for doing online surveys!!seriously weh!!

OMG!!I EFFING LOVE U,TASHA!!!

i told tash,
that i sanggup jadi her kuli batak,
just for a ticket to Sunburst...

tash said,
ooo dah kluar dah yeah? okok nnt i kirim duit kang i masukkan..
and also...
takde acct kau. nnt i suruh dauz belikan... 143 murah gle..

wowww!!!!
seriously..tash's gonna belanja me ticket to sunburst!!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
aha aha...
woot woootttt!!!

to those who reads my blog!!!u r tagged!!

1. Name one person who make you laugh last night?
-NO FUCKING ONE...but animals,yes...

2.What were you doing at 0800?
-APPARENTLY,I WAS STILL IN LALA LAND..

3.What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
-DOING STUNTS WITH MY CATS OUTSIDE THE HOUSE..

4.What happened to you in 2006?
-WORKED IN TOPSHOP SINCE JAN TO JUN..THEN HAD THE TIME OF MY FUCKING LIFE FOR A MONTH(no parents for a month),WENT TO SINGAPORE WITH MY OWN FUCKING HARDWORK MONEY..THEN TASHA CAME BACK!THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME..OUH,I ALSO MET ZUL IN JULY..SO..YEAH..HMM...

5.What was the last thing you said out loud?
- "DAD,CLOSE THE CHICKEN COOP"

6.How many beverages did you have today?
-2GLASSES OF PLAIN WATER

7.What color is your hairbrush?
-PURPLE(yucks!)

8.Was was the last thing you paid for?
-PALLMALL MENTHOLS

9.Where were you last night?
-HOME..(im home all the time,major loser la..)

10. What color is your front door?
-BROWN

11.Where do you keep your change?
-WALLET OR MY CAR'S COIN BOX(for tolls)

12.What's the weather like today?
-I DONT KNOW..IM HIGH ON DRUGS..CANT FEEL WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE..

13.What's the best ice-cream flavor?
-IM NOT A BIG FAN OF ICECREAM..BUT,MCD HAS THE BEST STRAWBERRY SUNDAE SO FAR..

14.What excites you?
-MEETING PERN N NIX JUST TO TALK CRAP N LAUGH..SPYING ON DLGUY(b4 i dated him)..DOING THINGS MY PARENTS DONT LIKE ME TO DO..HURTING MY SELF BY PUNCHING/CUTTING MYSELF..

15.Do you want to cut your hair?
-NO..I WANT IT TO BE LONG..MAYBE LIKE PERN'S...I HAD SHORT HAIR TOOOOOO MANY TIMES BEFORE..

16. Are you over the age of 25?
-IM ONLY 23..

17.Do you talk a lot?
-APPARENTLY,I HAVE A MOLE BELOW MY LIPS..YEAH,I DO TALK ALOT!BUT ONLY WHEN IM OUTTA THE HOUSE(away from parents)

18.Do you watch the O.C?
-NO..TOO KIDDISH FOR ME I THINK..

19.Do you know anyone named steven?
-OMG OMG..YES..THE LECTURER IN TOA...HMMM...

20.Do you make up your own words?
-"chillax"??"mengong"??i dunno lah..im too high on drugs to be thinking right...

21. Are you a jealous person?
-VERY MUCH I THINK,BUT I DONT REALIZE IT??!!??HEHEHE..

22.Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'A'.
-A????HMMM...AHMED??HAHAHA...

23.Name a friend whose name starts with the letter 'K'.
-K???I HATE HUMANS..NOT MUCH FRIENDS LA..

24. Who's the first person on your received call list?
-KHAIRUL(his name dont start with the letter K ok),(he's a guy whom ive been avoiding)

25.What does the last text message you received say?
- "GO LA MANDI,WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?"and something something else..too long..i 4got..and i deleted..

26. Do you chew on you straw?
-SOMETIMES..IF IT HAPPENS,MEANING NATHRA IS FEELING BORED ALREADY...

27.Do you have curly hair?
-HMM..YES..CURLY AND WAVY..ALMOST LIKE A TSUNAMI!!URGHH!!

28. Where's the next place you're going to?
-I DUNNO..I HAVENT SHOWER..MY HEAD IS TOO HIGH ON DRUGS(need to crash my bed),WANNA DO ASSIGNMENT BUT ILLUSTRATOR IS FUCKED(need pern's help tomoro),WANNA FINISH WATCHING ENTOURAGE SEASON4!!!

29.Who's the rudest person in your life?
- ME,MYSELF AND I??HAHAHA...I DUNNO..OH YEAH..THERE IS 2PEOPLE I VERY MUCH HATE,DOES THOSE COUNT?ITS LUTH AND FAREZ!HOPE THEY DIE IN THE WORST AND MOST TORTURING WAY!

30.What was the last thing you ate?
-RICE N CRAB..MOM COOKED..

31.Will you get married in the future?
- I DUNNO..WANT TO..WITH IED..BUT..IF IED DUMPS ME,I DONT KNOE THEN,I MIGHT CLOSE MY HEART FOREVER I THINK..BUT ANYWAY,ITS ALL IN GOD'S HANDS...

32. What's the best movie you've seen in the past 2 weeks?
-MARLEY AND ME..DAMN SAD WEH..I CRIED...HMMM...ALSO,SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE..HMM..

33.Is there anyone you like right now?
-LIKE?YES..ZAHIRIL ADZIM..I LIKE HIM SO MUCH!(wish to date him,but who the heck am i,rite?)..BUT IF U SAY LOVE...WELL..DEFINATELY MOHD IEDRUS...hehehe...

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
-TODAY...AT ABOUT 4...AFTER I ATE LUNCH..

35. Are you currently depressed?
-I GUESS SO..LOST,DEFINATELY..DEPRESSED?HMM..I THINK YES,COZ I NEED MORE CIGGIES ALL THE TIME!!!

36.Did you cry today?
-NOPE..

37.Why did you answer and post this?
-BECAUSE PERN TAGGED ME..and indirectly she did dare me with her sentence "like they are going to do la!dont think so,anyway..."I CANT TAKE THREATS/DARE!!HUHU..

38. Tag 1,2,3,4 or 5 people who would do this survey.
WELL..I DONT KNOW MUCH PEOPLE..BUT,CAN I JUST SAY,PEOPLE WHO READS MY BLOG,U R TAGGED!!OH I KNOW U KNOW ITS U!!!HAHAHA...
-christina
-zahiril adzim
-shafiq
-fazli razali

note:*high on drugs here mean,im on medication,im sick...

concerts...

omg..
rihanna will be performing in February..
JasonMraz will be performing in March..
and also,in March,Sunburst will be going on..

ARGHHHH!!!!
oh gosh,i hope free tickets for JM and SUNBURST will just fall from the sky..
im dying to go for JM and SUNBURST,
i dont wanna history to repeat,like Avril's concert...
darn it..
damn it..

anyone has extra tickets?
free tickets for me perhaps?
anyone?
hmmm....

hurmpp!!

well well..
so i found out..
the DLSR camera cost RM1870...
thank god i have great aunties n uncles..
me aunt said she can help me 1st..

to think about all this,
life is a great adventure..
what u think,that's what will be..
i shud try being positive yeah?!
hurmpp..

oh ied?
im still being left hanging in this relationship..
again,i have another bf,
its been bout 3days,
the feelings is fading/not there anymore i think..
hmm..

izzit possible that i have been black magic-ed??
hahaha...
i dunno la..but i think i wont accept the facts..
maybe if he comes back,
i wonder,
how will it be then..
hurmpp!!

ZOMFG!!!money money money!you're so funny!!!

ZOMG!!!
i own my very own WACOM now..for those who doesnt knoe wat wacom is,its like a electronic sketch pad that u connects to the computer n use photoshop to draw..
that cost me RM570..hmm..pity my parents..go bankrupt because of me..
and...
my last semester fees,still havent been settled fully...this sem too..hmmm...
and...
today's class,digital photography..its great..and i have to get my very own canon/nikon digital SLR camera..so happy...but...that's gonna cost a fortune..hmmm...
oh gosh...
how easy life was when you were a kid,and u dont have to take all this shit to count..u dont have to crack your head thinking bout all these shit..hmmm...
if only...
the rich realize how terrible the poor feels and dont brag around/show off..
if only...
the poor cud feel how the rich feels...
hmmm...
if only my life wud be easier..
oh i bet that line is being used by almost all the other human beings in this world yah..
i wonder if the aliens in other planets use the same line too..
hmmm...

confession!!

i have a confession to make...make that confessionssss...

-im a camwhore!!!for proof,please look at my facebook pictures!
-im so into men in uniform..
-im a coke addict..
-coke makes me drunk(i behave crazy after drinking coke)
-im over protective over my close frens(its not that i want to..its just in me since those days..maybe coz i luv them..)
-i love animals more than i love humans!
-im too poor to be living on earth..
-i hate sex..
-my brains says quit smoking,my heart says keep smoking..
-i really love my sisters..i think..
-i love my car so much..i call it 'baby'..i even talk to it when im driving alone..hmm..
-i have another person,living in my head..
-im a psychotic,lunatic,funnytic person!

hmm..shud i continue r?well,its already 2am now..maybe i shudnt..or i will go crazy..haha..

btw,I LOVE IED!!weeee....IM STILL WAITING FOR IEDrus...hmm..

not the first,but the last!

Memang kau bukan yang pertama..
Tapi aku janji,kau yang terakhir..
Kerna kau begitu istimewa buatku..

Iedrus is special..
Iedrus is sweet..
He's different than other men..

I will love him..
I will cherish every moments I have with him..
He will,forever,be in my heart..

Even though i go through hard times right now waiting..
Even though i suffer a lot waiting..
It's okay..
I will take the pain..
I will go through it all..

Bak kata peribahasa,
susah susah dahulu,
senang senang kemudian..

Right?

love and life...

why is it that love is so complicating?
why is it that i have to be so blinded by love?

why is it that men are so hard to be understood?
why is it that im left here hanging?

why is it that im changing?
why is it that im growing?

why is it that im becoming more complicated?
why are there so many questions?

but love,isn't it meant to be beautiful?
isn't love meant to be wonderful?

and life,isn't it meant to be nice?
isn't life meant to be great?

hmmm...
questions after questions,
i guess one cannot hide from all that..

how does it feel

"How Does It Feel"

I'm not afraid of anything
I just need to know that i can breathe
I don't need much of anything
But suddenly, suddenly

I am small and the world is big
All around me is fast moving
Surrounded by so many things
But suddenly, suddenly

[Chorus]
How does it feel, to be different from me?
Are we the same?
How does it feel, to be different from me?
Are we the same?
How does it feel?

I'm young, and I am free
But I get tired, and I get weak
I get lost, and I can't sleep
But suddenly, suddenly

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Would you comfort me
Would you cry with me;

Ahh, ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
Ahh, ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah

I am small and the world is big
But I'm not afraid of anything;

[Chorus x2]

[Ending (background)]
How does it feel [x2]
Different from me, different...
(ahh, ahh, ahh-ah;
ahh-ah,
ahh-ah,
ahh, ahh, ahh-ah;
ahh-ah,
ahh-ah)

this song,represent my feelings at this very moment..been few days actually..i feel so lost..i feel so confused..i think i have a problem,but i cant seem to identify it..is it bcoz of ied?or bcoz of parents?or bcoz its just time of my life,againnnn??hmmm...gosh,i've been day dreaming this past few days..like im in my own world..termenung sorang2..even when i drive..but i dont know what im thinking of...
i need to get away....just away from everyone..everything..
i feel so tired...sooo tired...
im just a 22+year old girl..
but the things i have to face,is like a 10person's things n problems...hmmmm...
when?when will all this stop?
one after one after one after one...
im too tired..
i asked myself..i asked god..
what's the point of me,still breathing,still living in this world...
coz im so tired..too tired..

complicated..what shud i put my status as??

shud i declare myself as 'single'?
shud i declare myself as 'its complicated'?
or shud i just stay as it is now...'married'?

its so confusing..
everything is so memeningkan..
im so hurt..
but im still waiting..
but negative thoughts are on my mind now..

im thinking..
what if,he thinks i have moved on?
what if,he has forgotten me?
what if?what if?what if?

stressssss bangat gwe!!!!
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

right now,at this very moment..
standing on top of a mountain n screammm my heart out!

darn damn love!!arghhh...

read it..

this is a comment i made to someone's post..tapi it seems that it suit to be here...

that night,i made decision not to go out so i stayed at my sister's 18th floor apartment in w.maju just to c the view of kl..i felt too old to celebrate all those nonsense..

but on jan 1st,at bout 7.40am,my sister woke me up,she said her sister in law is in the ER..then i mandi,to get ready gi hospital,then she told me,sister in law dia,dah meninggal..i was too shocked..till today,i still cant believe..maybe korang ada dgr dlm brita..kete satria neo putih..dkt2 jln tun razak..

the worst part,im thinkin,am i a heartless person?the fact that tears couldnt flow,made me more dissapointed wit my self..i was sad sampai badan bergetar,muka blur sbb tak leh percaya,tapi air mata tanak mengalir..hmm..

kesimpulannye,i just wanted to say,what a way to start a brand new year..sadness..

kepada kamu2 semua,berhati2lah di jalan raya..and,dont get so happy,coz u may never know when ur time is..dan janganlah kamu lupa pada mereka yang melahirkan kamu,dan mereka yang telah bersama kamu dalam suka dan duka..

have u say 'i love you' to ur parents today?

brain jam..

bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...going crazy...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...do u understand...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...do u feel it...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...i cant take it too...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...does it hurt...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...shoot me...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
bRaiN jAm...
do u feel brain jam after reading this?coz im having brain jam..so many things on my lil brain..
im one person,but the things i deal with,is like 10 people's problems..
hmmm...dunno la...
let it be..let it be..i'll just see what god have for me..
oh..that rhymes..
ok now...cheers!!

death...the way my brand new year started..

what a way to start a brand new year..
i started new year with a death in my family..
my brother in law's sister..a 20 year old girl..
super smart girl..got number 2 in her uni..
thank god,2008 has changed me..
i realize that i was too old for all the nonsense of life(clubbin&going out too much)..
well,i hope,her soul will rest in peace..
i will remember her,as she was..a happy bubbly person..
*alfatihah to nur salina bt mat wahab*

newsflash bout ied!

talked to ied's brother..abang zalimi..
owh..
i feel better..
i got to know,that ied is now in sarawak..
and ied's phone is with abang zalimi and the simcard is with the sister..
owh..
thank u god!!
finally,newsflash..
at least i know something bout ied..hmm..
i really love him..
even after all the other shitty mistakes ive done..
i wont..i wont cheat anymore..
coz..its all lust..
i cant fall for anyone anymore..
i love him too much..
i will keep waiting...
owh..so happy!!

p.i.n.k a.d.d.i.c.t tells her story..

P.I.N.K A.D.D.I.C.T
that's who i am..
i ain't sure if that's whom i will be in the future..

i use to be..
O.R.A.N.G.E A.D.D.I.C.T
then when i was in limkokwing,
i was..
B.L.A.C.K A.D.D.I.C.T

therefore..for the future,
i can't say yet whom i will be..

but for now,
i have black n pink punk bangles..
i have pink socks..
i have pink hair highlights..
i have pink teeshirt..
i have pink bags..
i have pink pens..
and im eye-ing for the pink LG handphone..
and more pink stuffs...

therefore,here,i would like to say...
i am....
-P.I.N.K A.D.D.I.C.T-

my new year song

Went back home again
this sucks gotta pack up and leave again
say goodbye to all my friends
can't say when I'll be there again
It's time now to turn around
Turn my back on
EVERYTHING (turn my back on) everything....

Everything'schanging when I turn around all out of my control I'm a mobile.

Start back at this life
Stretch myself back into the vibe
I'm waking up to say I've tried
Instead of waking up to another TV GUIDE
It's time now to turn around
Turn and walk on this crazy ground oh oh oh....

mobile..the song for me..for new year..

when will all this end?

suffering..
annoying..

been waiting..
how long more i have to wait?

im bursting out my brains,
just trying to figure out,
why hasn't he call me?

shitty,
super shitty feeling..

waiting,suck big time!!
hoping,is suffering!

mohd iedrus bin daud,
i waited,
and waited...
and i hope u will remember me,
as the girl,who waited,
and stopped herself from moving on..

i am,
just a normal girl,
who craves for him,
who wants more,
who has been waiting,
waiting, and waiting...

i dont know,
how long i can last,
how long more i can wait..
but i will,
keep on,waiting,
even if u have forgotten me,
even if u have choose to dump me,
even if u took a major big step ahead of me...

because,
i dont know why,
a kind of feeling,
in my heart,
that has been beating,
an uneasy feeling,
and it is called,
L.O.V.E

in the name of love,
i will wait...

but,yet,
i will keep asking,
when will all this end?

ARRIOS....sunway pyramid..top floor!!

adalah satu kedai ni,
kat sunway pyramid,
kedai tu,selesa gile,
leh smoke, mamat keje kat sana pun cute(hehe)..tapi warga myanmar..
that day, i hang out there, from 2pm till bout 9.30pm...
only got up to go to the loo...omg..
it was sooo comfortable laa...
feel like i was at home..
*note:if u sit at the long sofa la,not the single chair!*
i love that shop..somemore, the guy know what i always drink..diet coke!!
woooootttt!!!!
i officially love that shop!!somemore can smoke...fuhyooo...
they play [v] or mtV on tv somemore..wokeh la tu rite?
hmmm.....kedai tu,kat tingkat atas,sunway pyramid..huhu...
silalah pergi...they got delicious hot chocolate drink..yummy...speggeti ok la..takde r xsedap!!

ini adalah free promote utk kedai tu..wakakakakaka....

hidup ni...camne ek?

hidup ni,umpama roda yang berputar...
ehh takk...
hidup ni,umpama kapal terbang yang telah melanggar wtc..
hmm..leh jadi...tapi tak gak kot...
hidup ni,umpama minum coke dan jadi mabuk sbb coke..
hahaha...lagi r tak logic...
hidup ni,macam perlawanan baseball,ada kalah,ada menang...
haa...logic r gak kan?hmm..

well,life is like a game,its god's game,so,u gotta play it well...

i screwed up mine..i lost in the game..for now...

in the future,i may never know whether i will win,or still loose...

so,lets just see,how the game goes.......

p/s: to readers of my blog,find in my previous posts in MAY2005 posts,a poem titled 'yesterday,today and tomorrow'...its beautiful..read it..

PAWGS!!!

perfect
amazing
wonderful
great
superb
PAWGS-after 5years of not having to read a whole bloody text book,now i have too...
hmm...my brain hurts,i feel dizzy,i feel sick,wanna throw up!
eee,pissed at myself for cant accepting more info!!
urghhh,disgusted with my lack of bookworm talent...
PAWGS!!!!!

humans n problems...

hmm...can we run from our problems?i wonder..
can i run away,from all the problems that im facing right now,and just come back again,after a year?
why is it,that,humans and problems,cant be separated?
i never knew,life would be darn complicated..hmm...
if i knew,i wouldnt wanna be that one choosen sperm/ovum...
and if i cud change my life at this very moment,i wud wanna change it...
i wanna be a princess,who has a happy life,without problems,and have Ied as my prince,and have everything done very easily,and also smart...
YEAHH,DREAM ON NATHRA!!!!!!

kematian...

aku tertanya tanya...
apakah akan berlaku setelah kematianku?
adakah mereka akan rinduiku?
adakah mereka akan mengingatiku?
persoalan demi persoalan..
bilakah ia akan terhenti....

what about life?

kenapa ye?kenapa hidup ini,adakalanya terasa amat hebat,tapi,adakalanya,hidup ni,rasa teruk sekali macam sial...

but to me,life was never perfect..maybe,being the last in the family,therefore,life is just unfair..there is an explaination to that theory ya..im not just writing that for fun..but it is fact..hmm..

well,my life,is always sad..but everytime before i leave my house,i put on a fake mask..a mask that shows me laughing,n smiling...well,u can call me a faker,but,there are reasons to that...
have u ever felt like,u have everything,but yet,there is something missing..like a missing piece from a puzzle..hmmm..that's me...

well,I A.M D.A.M.N C.O.M.P.L.I.C.A.T.E.D!!

rindu....

rindu,
mengapa?
kerinduan di dalam dada,
teramat menusuk jiwa..

2bulan...
tiada panggilan.
2bulan,
tiada bersua..

ku ditinggalkan..
7bulan(bila ko nak tiba?)
sampai bila aku harus menanti?
berlalu lah kamu masa..
berlalu lah dengan pantas..

i miss IED...
my policeman..
my property!!
i will wait,for as long as i have to wait...
i will.....keep waiting....

*teringat lagu avril-keep holding on plak*

biarlah...

adakalanya,
hidup ini memang penuh kesedihan.
adakalanya,
hidup ini dicampur sedikit kebahagiaan.
tapi bagiku,
seribu senyuman ku lemparkan,
tetapi,
yang satu di dalam hati,cuma keperitan.

persoalan,demi persoalan,
dapatkah ia terhenti di suatu masa nanti?
jika ku berada di dimensi yang lain,
atau mungkin juga jika ku dilahirkan semula setelah kematian,
dapatkah ku menjadi seperti kamu yang lain?
yang memiliki seribu senyuman yang ikhlas..

bagiku,
hidup ini tidak sehebat mana,
tapi ku tetap bertahan menghadapinya.
kerna Dia amat berkuasa,
telah dijanjikan kehidupan olehNya,
maka,aku akan bersabar..
biarpun ku harus tetap terseksa,
biarpun ku harus tetap memberi seribu senyuman palsu yang seterusnya,
aku sudah biasa..

apakah harus aku menunjukan diriku yang sebenar kepada dunia?
kenapa harus aku?
tidakkah itu memang sudah menjadi kebiasaan di dalam diri manusia?
untuk berbohong akan keadaan mereka yang sebenarnya?

biarlah ku teruskan bersembunyi disebalik seribu senyuman dan persoalan ini...