from the eyes of a young poet

Crapping 101 #54 --> Head Count to how many men who check me out!!

2012-02-04T19:18:00.000+08:00

Wow Wee Junior Juice!!!! LOL~

My head count, from 5, now has reached 9...and one of it, the number 8, is actually my ex boyfriend, the longest relationship boyfriend...

Muahahaha, I'm looking better and better day by day...After all, I love the attention, so, might aswell work hard to achieve my goal right? Goal and GOLD! LMFAO~

Ngee Hee Hee...

So, as today, 04.02.2012, my head count is now 9.

Let's see how far more I can go. Note, my head count will stop on the 27th June 2012!

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #53 --> Full of crap...LOL~

2012-01-24T18:37:00.000+08:00

Today, I'm feeling a little down.

I wish I could see him, get a hug from him, get a kiss from him, talk to him, one last time...

I miss him, his text messages, his calls, laughing with him, telling him shiet...Haih...How sad it is when things were fine, but there are unfair reasons just lingering around...

It took me 2 years to forget Ied before this... I wonder how long it's going to take for me to forget Mr. Sunshine...LMFAO~

Anyway, today is a very boring day. Woke up at 4 plus...Been doing nothing since then.. It feels like I have no brain or someshit like that...I think even Patrick the starfish has a better day than mine. HaHaHa...

Oh shiet..Suddenly, I'm wondering, how is he doing in Jakarta? Is he fine? Has he been eating well? Has he been taking care of his health? Has he been fucking around? Shiet...WTF? Why am I thinking about him. He quit on me. Ahh, enough Nathra, fuck it, forget!!

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #52 --> Head Count to how many men who check me out!!

2012-01-24T00:46:00.000+08:00

So, recently, I have decided to do a head count, on how many people in Malaysia or in this world would find me attractive... Meaning, they would either check me out, or have the guts to approach me.

Last week, Thursday, there was 1 guy, who was actually checking me out. He was in his car, waiting for only God knows what. I'm not sure if he's chinese or malay. He was in a Viva. I walked from 7 Eleven at Convent Kajang school to my car. He watched me. I got in my car, started the engine, turned on the inner lights coz I was about to top up my phone. I looked at him, I noticed he was staring at me..After I topped up my phone, I turned off the lights, then I looked at him again, I saw him showing his phone to me, with the screen facing my direction, I guess that's his way of saying 'hey, whats ur number'...LMFAO~ He should have just be a man, got down of the car, and approached me. Anyway, that was the 1st guy.

Then, yesterday, I went to Cameron Highlands with Mom, Dad and Rini. There, 3 guys checked me out. Aha, yes, not 1, but 3!!! LOL~ Alright, this just means that my plan to be hot, is working! :) Being hot is not only just looking good (face) alright people, being hot means, you gotta walk proudly, gracefully, like you own the world, and dress up nice, have confidence, speak good English with accent...Damn, it's tough alright!! Anyway, all together, head count, 4 now...

Today, CNY lunch at cik P's home, as usual, this is the 4th year I go there, it is my culture now for CNYs. After lunch, went to meet cik R, at Bangsar. Went to do threading and face+neck bleaching again, shit, the lady did my eyebrow a little to thin..LOL~ Nevermind that. Then, me and cik R, went shopping, then chill at Coffee Bean & Tealeaf. While walking in Bangsar Village 2, there was a dude, he was old lah, I think around 40ish...He checked me out. LMFAO~ I was talking to cik R, telling her about living in New York, being hot, walking like we own the world...So I was walking straight, with chest out, with English accent..He saw me, he checked me out as he passed by me...LOL~ So, head count, 5 now!!!

5 people checked me out...Hmm...How many more to come? I guess we'll just wait and see.. Ngee Hee Hee.. I guess this break up is doing me good. Sad, but I'm hot now, so who cares? LMFAO~

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #51 --> Miss, miss, miss... :)

2012-01-21T16:10:00.000+08:00

Alright.

I think I miss him. I wish I could replay 30th October - 11th December 2011 again and again. LMFAO~

It was nice having him calling me, texting me, skyping with me, staring at me, listening to me, smiling at me, laughing with me. Owh dear, I'm only me when I was with him. I felt so real and alive. :)

Oh those sweet memories. But, I guess, shit happens, you can never escape the shits of life right? LOL~

Kalau saja semua itu masih berlaku....

It's occay. I will get my feet back on the ground. But, I still will wait for him, even if it takes forever, even if he has moved on.

Lirikan matanya, telah terpahat di dada. Senyuman ikhlasnya, telah terbuku di hati. Ahh, rindunya aku dengan dia. :)

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #50 --> I wished the future never appeared in mind...

2012-01-21T00:46:00.000+08:00

I have been asking myself a million times, do I actually want to marry him?

At 1st, the answer was YES, YES and YES...Then, been thinking so deep, I did not had a single thought about marriage for the first time in my life while I was in a relationship. I never even thought I would have dated him. So I guess, my answer would be a NO. I don't know who the fuck he is, how can I say I want to marry him. I guess, my intention was just to love, be loved, but, not marriage. Basically, what I'm saying here is, I just wanted to be in a relationship with him. Nothing more than that.

I was driving back alone from my grandmother's house. This thought came to mind. Therefore, I'm blogging it here.

Been thinking so deep. He acts like he's all mature, but no, he's actually not. Hey, I'm not saying I am. LOL~ He acts like he's all tough, but no, he's actually not. Maybe what I have been writing in my blog, made him, and a lot of people think, that I would want to marry him. Maybe it freaked him out. Hey, I'll never know.

Anyway, after thinking and those thoughts came to my mind, next thing I know, I was already in Kajang, passing by Kajang Church, I just thought about him. And I felt sad, to be honest, I felt like fuck, I think I miss him. And wish that I could tell him that all I wanted was just a relationship from him.

But what the fuck, what's done is done. All we can do is not to think back, or even look at the future, but look at life now, and live the life. Ahaks, if that was so easy to be done, I wouldn't have had a blog in the first place right? LOL~

u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #49 --> It finally hits my farking brain..

2012-01-19T22:24:00.000+08:00

The long drive home, traffic jam.

I managed to ask Dad a question. The intention was to try to understand Mr. Sunshine's decision on the break up.

ME : Dad, when you marry Mom, were you scared? About religion.

The first thing he replied.

DAD : That's why I dated Mom for 7 years. To ensure that I love her, to ensure that I understand and learn about the religion and culture.

Wow. He really did love her. He said, a guy who really loves you, would do anything for you, even die for you. I guess what he meant was, if a guy really loves me, he would take a bullet for me straight in his heart. Meaning, if someone were to shoot me, the guy would be willing to jump in front of me so the bullet would hit him, instead of me.

I guess, in Dad's case, he did not quit the relationship. He really knew what he was signing up for. He took the challenge. He really did love Mom. He also said, if a girl is willing to do anything for a guy, that's no use, the marriage would not last long.

That just put sense in my head. I guess, Mr. Sunshine did love me, but he did not love me till the extend that he would die for me. I guess, there's just no use in being together. I'm going to move on. Yet, deep in my heart, I know, I still wish he would have love me to the extend of doing anything for me, I still wish he did not quit on me, I still wish he is the one whom I will wake up to every day for the rest of my life. After all, he even moved on now, he's happy wherever on earth he is, he doesn't even care a single shiet about me, so, why should I suffer right? :) After all, if he really loved me, he would still wont have the heart to look at any girls, fuck any girls, he would have still want to know about me, he would have still called me, misses me, love me, he would still keep in contact with me.

After the talk with Dad, I changed my decision, a man must be willing to jump in front of the bullet for me. I'm not going to do anything for a guy anymore. Fuck that shiet. If a guy really had balls, he must do anything for me.

I'm glad Dad did not quit on Mom. I'm glad he took 7 years to date her, to know that he really loves her, and to convert. I'm glad he is my father. And I'm farking glad I had that talk with Dad.

Mr. Sunshine is my true love I guess, cause I was willing to do anything for him, but he may not be the one I will end up with. True love only come once, but it doesn't mean that they will be the one you'll end up with. Sometimes, even a couple who's married for 30 years, they would still be thinking of 'Hey, I once had a real true love, but it did not happen.'

Anyway, Mr. Sunshine, if you read this, note this dear, you will always be my true love. I will always have a place for you in my heart, in my life. But, if you are not willing to take a bullet for me, I guess your decision was right. Thank you, for ending it now, than ending it later. I guess you were right all along, when you said you did not want us to get hurt later. I guess you blocking me on facebook was the right thing to do after all. It is helping me, eventhough I still do love you and miss you, and do hope you'll come back. But, I guess, I owe you an apology, and a thank you. I hope, one day, we will meet, and would laugh about the past.

Oh Oh, I'm going to start a head count, on how many guys out there, who tries to woo me, who's attracted to me... Just for fun. Hey, I'm still holding on to my words, I don't think I want to get married. ;) Too many things I have seen and learn from marriages. Enough. Too scary. I think the only perfect one I have seen so far is, erm, Mr. Sunshine's parents. Alright, goodbye marriage, hello to the new Nathra!!

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #48 --> 19.01.2012 Updates...

2012-01-19T22:01:00.000+08:00

Today, 19.01.2012.

Apuchi's 1 year death prayer. I went, at about 11ish. Saw her picture, then realized how much I misses her. And how things were different for last deepavali and the coming deepavalis. No more waking up in the morning to go to see Apuchi on each deepavali. No more visiting her. No more smelling her smell. :(

Then, while at the prayer, Mom told me Nenek is not well. She started hallucinating and stuff. Seeing the dead. She's already in between reality and the other world. Just like Apuchi before she died. So we went and visit Nenek after the prayer. She was just lying on the bed, as usual, bedridden. I felt like crying looking at her like that. If she dies too, that's it, I won't have any grandmother anymore. As it is, I have never met my grandfathers, they died before I was born. It's gonna be so weird again for each Hari Raya. But, part of me feels like it's best that she goes away. She's suffering so much, just sleeping all day, no movement. Hmm. :(

Then, on the way back, I drove, Dad sat at the passenger seat. The long traffic jam given me a chance to talk to Dad, privately. Update on the next blog.

Btw, last night, I slept, I woke up suddenly, hearing my own voice, calling my name twice 'Nathra, Nathra.' FARKING SCARY OCCAY!!! Ngee~

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #47 --> 18.01.2012 Update

2012-01-19T21:45:00.000+08:00

Alright.

So I went to Seremban, to meet Dr. R. Walking in the psychiatry department was a little weird for me, felt like I was a crazy girl, checking in an asylum by myself. HaHaHa.

I was prescribed with medication. Hurmp~ Dr. R gave me 'Fluoxetine' and sleeping pills 'T. Lorazepam'.. He said 'Fluoxetine' will make me happy all the time. Muahahahaha, just what I need! Let's see whether it will make me happy.

Anyway, googled this drug, got the answers to it.

Q1 : Why do I need this medicine?
A1 : Fluovex is used to treat depression.

It can also be used to treat anxiety disorders such as panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or an eating disorder known as bulimia nervosa.

Fluovex may also be used together with other medicines to treat other depressive conditions as decided by your doctor.

Fluovex belongs to a group of antidepressants known as Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs).

Q2 : What side effects would I experience?

A2 : Fluovex may make you drowsy or dizzy. If you are affected, do not drive or take part in any activity in which you need to be alert.

Common side effects of Fluovex include headache, abnormal dreams, loss of appetite, anxiety, weakness, diarrhoea, dry mouth, indigestion, flu, difficulty sleeping, tiredness, loss of sex drive, nausea, nervousness, sore throat, rash, sweating, tremors and hot flushes.

Alert your doctor if any of these side effects are severe or refuse to go away.

Other side effects are less common but may need medical help. Alert your doctor if you develop any of these symptoms:
- hallucinations
- unusual restlessness and the inability to rest or sit still
- agitation or extreme, unexplained excitement (non-stop talking, moving or gesticulating)
- very fast, irregular or pounding heartbeat
- difficulty breathing
- severe muscle spasm or stiffness

*SHIT!!!LOSS OF SEX DRIVE??!! LMFAO~

Q3 : Are there any restriction to the type of food I can take?

A3 : Avoid alcohol. Alcohol, even in small amounts, can worsen the drowsiness caused by Fluovex. It can also affect your reaction time and make it unsafe for you to drive or take part in activities in which you need to be alert.

*GOOD, GONNA QUIT DRINKING ANYWAYS!

So, those are the 3 main important questions on my head..Ngeee~

Hope I wont have those side effects!!! Scary....

Anyways, that's all bout the update on 18th January 2012... ;)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #46 --> The rules and updates on me...

2012-01-17T23:00:00.000+08:00

Let me start by saying this. This country is not fair eh. The rules are crap.

Next, I'm going to say, life is unfair too.

If they were to allow inter-religion marriages, no one would feel so pain, and everyone would be happy. Well, everyone has their own faith to hold on to, even if they married another race, if they still believe in what they believe in, so what? Even if they converted just for formality sake, and still believe in their own faith, so what? Other countries allow all these, which I think is awesome. Can I be there please!! Haihh..

Life...Why is there such thing as being scared? Why is there such thing as being daring? Haihh.. Can't everything be mutual, the same? That say 'If you love someone, learn to let that person go', it's so bloody unfair. What's the point of loving someone, if you have to let go? Just the same with what's the point, of starting something beautiful, then, because of things happening around you, you quit that something beautiful, for someone else's sake, not for your own sake. Hmm.

But alright, I'm starting to accept the facts. I'm starting to move on, trying to put a smile on my face, but it seems so fake. I hate being fake. I'm only me when I'm with him. But I guess this is reality, you love someone so much, and at one point, you just got to let go. Reality is a bitch. A real pain in the ass. Nevermind, time will heal me. But yeap, I'm not going to love anymore, couldn't care about it anymore. I just know, there's only one person I love, that I will wait for till eternity. I know it is stupid, but he was the best. He was just too special, too perfect. But, I also wish the best for him in everything.

Life goes on, yes. I will do the things that I have always wanted to do all these while. For a start, loose weight and go gothic. I want to be like that girl Abby on CSI. ZOMG, she has always made me amazed, she inspires me. Then, I'm going to make sure I own a scrambler bike, go for rally races. Owh, awesomeness. I would make people amazed by my appearance. Find a job I would love working in. Find my true self, cause he whom I love and can never stop loving, inspires me to see wonders ahead of me.

I can never hate him, in fact, I'm actually blessed to have had him in my life before, because of him, I'm changing, I have the courage to change. He made me want to look good, he made me want to dress like a girl, he made me want to loose weight, he made me see wonders of life. So, thank you, YOU. And because of him, I'm also blessed to have great friends. Because of him, I knew what love was, eventhough I know it's impossible to see it ever again, what I saw in his eyes, and the love I saw that his parents have for each other, Wow, I'm blessed.

Gee, I'm actually smiling while writing all these. The memories, makes me happy. The flashbacks, makes me happy. Yes, there are times when I would feel so sad, feel so unfair, but, reality check, that's life eh. We just got to be strong and face it.

Alright, tomorrow, my appointment with the psychologist is at 8.30 a.m. I'm scared to go, but I'm looking forward to finding out what it will be like. Like a friend said, sometimes, we would listen to a person who wears a white coat, who tells us things in a way that we can understand. Hope he would help me, and I hope by meeting this doctor, I would help myself :)

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #45 --> Fikirkan sejenak teman-temanku, hidup ini sangat aneh.

2012-01-16T20:03:00.000+08:00

Hidup ini sangat aneh.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa ada orang yang amat membenci diri kita. Di mana titik permulaan kesalahan kita, bolehkah di undurkan semula kesalahan itu? Setiap orang, pasti boleh mendapat keampunan dari orang yang membenci. Semua orang berhak menerima peluang kedua.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa ada orang yang amat mencintai diri kita. Padahal, kita tidak sehebat mana pun. Bukan harta dan kekayaan yang dicari, tapi, kesucian di dalam hati yang di nilai. Tanya, kenapa cinta dia amat suci dan ikhlas terhadap diri kita? Kenapa dia tidak boleh melupakan kita? Haruskah aku mencuba sekali lagi, memberi peluang kepadanya? Tanya diri anda semua itu. Sekali lagi, setiap manusia berhak menerima peluang kedua.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa diri kita amat menyintai seseorang itu. Memang dia tidak memiliki harta, tidak memiliki rupa sekacak Brad Pitt, tapi, hatinya amat murni, dan matanya hanya menunjukkan cinta ikhlas. Kelakuannya, tutur katanya, cara dia membawa diri, cara dia menghormati, mungkin kerana semua itu, kita tidak dapat melupakan seseorang itu sehingga ke akhir hayat.

Kadang-kadang, kita perlu buka mata dan menyoal, kenapa ada orang yang sanggup berkorban apa sahaja untuk kita. Keluarga, agama, anak-anak yang dicintainya, hidupnya. Tanya pada diri, betulkah begitu suci, murni dan ikhlas cintanya terhadap diri kita? Bolehkah dia menjadi ibu/bapa kepada anak kita? Kalau sudah sanggup di korbankan segalanya, telah difikir panjang oleh dirinya, memang, dia boleh menjadi isteri/suami kepada diri anda. Kerana, cinta sejati itu bermaksud, mereka yang sanggup melakukan apa sahaja, demi menyelamatkan suatu hubungan, demi untuk membahagiakan kita.

Setiap orang berhak menerima peluang kedua dalam hidup. Ujian memang akan terus datang dan tidak akan pernah meninggalkan kita. Semua itu, hanya untuk menguji kekuatan mental dan fizikal diri kita. Menguji kecekalan diri kita. Menguji sedalam mana keikhlasan diri kita. Menguji kesedaran diri kita.

Fikirkan sejenak teman-temanku. Jadilah manusia yang sentiasa memberi peluang kepada orang yang lain, kerana itu akan menjadikan diri kita hebat dan dipandang tinggi oleh masyarakat.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Dear You... #2

2012-01-16T17:21:00.000+08:00

Dear you,

I just have to write this down. Sorry.

I can't seem to get you out of my mind. I just miss you too much. I wish you'd meet me, so I could just shake you off and tell you that I fucking love and miss you so much! But I also wish I could turn back time, so I could undo the mistake I did, the one that made you hated me so badly. Now, not only I lost you as the one I love, but even lost you as a friend.

I'm going to let go of my ego, and admit this.

Yes, I am madly deeply in love with you. Yes, I am willing to wait for you till the day I die. Yes, I'm loosing my mind not having you around. Yes, you mean the world to me. Yes, I would be there for you, through every single thing that you'd go through. Yes, I would take the pain for you, I would take your sadness away. Yes, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Yes, I want to know every single thing about you.

My heart says, don't let go, you're too perfect. You are my drug, you are my weed, you are my alcohol, you are my everything.

Please soften your heart, please forgive me, please come back, please be with me, please make me happy.

I still stand on my grounds, where I am willing to sacrifice everything I have just to be with you. I will never ask you to change anything about you.

I miss you and I love you.

Sincerely,
-Nathra ND-

Dear You...

2012-01-15T19:50:00.000+08:00

Dear You,

I know, I had made the biggest mistake, and I know, you hate me so much that you might even want to kill me. All I could say is, I'm really sorry. I wish I can undo what I have done, so I could still be friends with you. My hard headed head, has caused everything to be wrong. But hey, I have to say this. So hear me and listen. Since you left, 12th December 2011, I have been feeling so empty, so lifeless, so down. I miss the whole you so much, your smell, the way your eyes shine, your voice, your smile, it made my heart calm. Now, I want you to know, that I will always be there for you, no matter what happens, I will always stand tall by you and that you can always count on me. I will wait for you, even if it kills me, I will wait for you till the end of my life.

My heart has a tattoo of your name in it.

Sincerely,

-Nathra ND-

Crapping 101 #44 --> The perfect song that speaks my heart...

2012-01-15T19:45:00.001+08:00

Perfect song to speak for my heart ;P for Mr. Sunshine...

"There You'll Be"

When I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be

Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

[Repeat chorus]

'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always

[Chorus:]
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be

Crapping 101 #43 --> Updates on life... :)

2012-01-14T10:06:00.001+08:00

So here I go again, talking about shiets that has happened in my life.

That is why my blog's URL is called haunted-in-sadness...

1st, let me talk about someone. My once upon a time Mr. Sunshine.
Yeap, no one could replace him, no one can show me love like he did in his eyes, no one could do the things he did while we were together. It is fucking sad that he left, what more, he hates me now. Maybe this is for his own good. I'm hazardous, to me, and to him. I'm a virus. LOL. Anyways, yes, I'm slowly healing, but he is still on my mind, I still cry myself to sleep, I still feel his presence around, I still see his eyes and smile, I still see a picture of me with him, I still keep his messages. But one day, I will be able to forget him, yet, know that I once had the best boyfriend anyone could ever have. Oh, I miss Tiger, feel like kidnapping him. LMFAO~

2nd, some may have known about how I have given up on life when I was 15. The other day, I went to the doctor, I finally had the guts to talk to the doctor about myself. He said, he is actually a psychology doctor. WOW. It was like God had sent him to save me. He said, I am having a mild depression. I might need to be on medication for about 2 years. Fuck scary! But, I haven't been hallucinating much, so, I might still be able to cure without medication. Wednesday, I have an appointment with him in Seremban Hospital. Readers, being depressed, having to meet a psychiatrist, does not make a person crazy. What more, just because I was dyingly fighting to get Mr. Sunshine back, does not make me crazy (YOU dont have the fucking rights to say 'sorry to say, but youre going crazy' Fuck You, coz you made me be this ugly monster I am now!) I'm now anxiously waiting for Wednesday, I wonder what will happen. It's scary, but apparently, since the break up, I have been engaging myself with scary and dangerous things, it makes my adrenaline rushes like crazy, it's a little addictive occay! LOL.

3rd, I have called both my sisters to go with me to Jakarta in February. So, I might be going there, Jakarta Pusat, far from Mr. Sunshine, good. Going to meet my Om Efan there, he's good in seeing things, so, got a lot of things to find out from him. I wonder why every time I ask him when I will get married, he never answers. But when my sister or cousin ask, he answers. Does it mean that I won't get married? Hmm. Talking about marriage, yesterday, I told my mom, that I won't be getting married, so, she should not expect a son in law from me. She just shut. I hope she understands, that I'm done with men. I can't seem to trust men anymore.

4th, I have been looking for a job like crazy in Jakarta South, but can't seem to get one. Nevermind, I think, I'm going to apply in Malaysia first, as a back up, but still look for a job in Jakarta, or Australia. I just need to go away. Praying hard that I will get a job, also, been praying hard for Mr. Sunshine (how stupid).

Anyways, these are the updates in life. It will be occay. Life is a tough one, but the challenges, makes me a stronger person.

" The climb is a tough one, but the view up there is awesome!"

Anyways,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #42 --> It has to stop. Sorry Mr. Sunshine.

2012-01-11T14:34:00.001+08:00

I had to admit this to my faithful readers.

I have became so stupid, so blind, so dumb, so annoying since he left.

How stupid was I to kept fighting for it, and worst of all, I lost him as a friend. I was so blinded by love, could not see what I was doing. I was so dumb to have kept pushing, kept going off limits. I was so annoying, I made him got annoyed.

Sudahlah Nathra. Enough is enough. Put a full stop to it. Concentrate on changing pathetic self, concentrate of achieving your dreams of being a photographer with national geographic and to own a Hummer H2 (black with silver chrome)!

Put him far away, like you have never met him on the 29th October 2011. For all I know, I liked him when I was 14, and that is it. I never dated him, never met him, never felt his skin, never kissed him, never seen eye to eye with him!

Instead of telling him to try to make it work, Nathra, you are the one who SHOULD try to forget him! Biar makan dalam sekalipun, you can do it. Anggap sahaja macam ex-ex kau yang dulu, yang dilupakan begitu sahaja. Find a goal, find something to do, make your self busy! Spend more time with your babies!!

:)

Step one to changing, loose him from my life, completely!
Step two to changing, GROW UP! Be matured.

WOOT WOOT~

Sorry Mr. Sunshine. I was being a fool and so childish. There is another Mr. Sunshine out there, even more perfect than you, even better than you. And you will find someone who would be better than me too :)

One day, we would meet up, and would laugh about how foolish I was. But I would know, God once sent me the best boyfriend ever, the one who made me saw love. Thank you Mr.Sunshine...

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #41 --> OH CRAP!!!

2012-01-10T21:51:00.000+08:00

HOLY FUCK!!!

What did I do??!!

I got blocked!!!!!!!!!

Dari hujung rambut, ampunkan aku!!!!

FUCKKKK!!!!!

Crapping 101 #40 --> 20 things to be done to change by 27th June 2012!!

2012-01-09T22:33:00.000+08:00

This is it. My list of what needs to be done to change to myself.

1) Work out like crazy, must loose tonnes of weight by 27th June 2012! This means, eat less too!!
2) Quit drinking if possible!
3) Cut down on doshing!
4) Do dangerous shiet that seemed to be so scary all these while! All those adventurous stuff. For a start, follow Tash for that whitewater rafting shiet!
5) Believe and keep believing! Make it happen!
6) Change yourself, be a positive person! Don't put negative before positive all the time!
7) GROW UP! Be matured enough to take care of yourself!
8) Start taking up responsibilities, work hard and work smart! Rajinkan diri!!
9) Start socializing again! Be that awesome person you were once upon a time ago! You can do it! It will bring back your confidence!
10) Keep your hair long!!! Don't ever cut it again, unless it's just trimming! Keep it brown, with low lights strands!
11) Learn to wake up early on weekdays! Don't be late for work again! And don't skip work again PLEASE!
12) Start back on photography!!
13) Have faith in yourself!! Always believe that you can do it! Trust yourself before you trust others!
14) LOVE YOURSELF MORE, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!
15) Learn to take care of yourself! Be independent!
16) Once you loose all those fats, go for castings, go for modelling auditions!!
17) Start being a girl, but don't loose that gangster in you!
18) STOP BEING A COWARD! If you have something to say, just say! Don't be scared of life! Life is too short to be a coward!
19) Stop whining, stop crying!
20) GET THAT THING YOU WANT SO BADLY! GET IT BACK! WIN IT BACK!

You can do it Nathra!! You can!! I know you can and you will... People will see you and say 'damn, whos that rocking chic?' Muahahaha... People who dumped you will regret dumping you!!

This is your future! Live it, love it, do it, practice it! All for your own good!! Pain is nothing! What you will gain out of it, is SOMETHING you'd treasure all your life!

Let's start from now onwards!! WOOT WOOT~

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #39 --> Letter for you...

2012-01-06T23:53:00.000+08:00

Dear you,

Sometime I wonder, did you date me because you really did like me, or because you just wanted to use me. Sometimes I wonder, did you really mean everything you have said to me? Those text messages, those times on skype, those calls made...Did you mean it all? Most of all, I wonder, did you really mean it when you say that you love me, or did those words just did not mean anything and you did it just to satisfy me? I mean, seriously, to think about it, if a person really did love someone, they would do anything to save the relationship. They wont think about the future TOO SOON, cause we'll never know who we will end up marrying someday. Did you really mean it when you said 'why not' to my question of 'do you even want to marry me?' or was it that you were just too drunk?

I was so stupid right? To have not seen it all. You know what pisses me off the most, that 1st time we chill together, just you and I, on the hill, at the tokong, I asked why do you think about me. I thought you knew the inner me, the one that no one else know, not even my parents, you said people always use me. And geee, you did use me too. Right?

I just wanted a relationship out of you, not a promise of the future. Yes, I was madly deeply in love with you, that I wrote a lot of crap on my blog too. Maybe you did read my blog, or maybe your friends read it, and told you about it. It has a title called 'crapping101' for a reason you know...

Now, I wonder, when I whisper your name here, alone, can you hear it? When my heart cries longing for those moments of being in a relationship with you, those skypes, those text messages, etc., can you hear it cry? I wonder, when I miss you so badly, do you feel it too?

I'm not going crazy, I did not go crazy, I'd never go crazy for a guy. I'm starting to accept the fact that you choose to miss out on a huge deal, I don't loose anything, you're the one who's missing out something. But hey, nevermind. Break ups usually teaches me a lot, and I have known a lot about you from that. I don't wish for anything bad for you, but, I'd like to wish you best of luck in life. And remember, in future, don't break a girls heart. Maybe you have a plan of breaking all girls heart because of your past, or maybe you did not have intentions like that, but instead, you thought it would be alright, till you realize that I was falling deeply with you. Yes, I was falling deeply with you, but not as deep as you may have imagine. If I were to get hurt so bad, like you kept saying 'i dont want you to be hurt even worst later on', well, you're totally wrong, because, hey, I'm doing SO GREAT here. And next time, don't waste time. Alright? Imagine if someone did that to your sister, or your mother, wouldn't you kill those people who hurt them? If I had a brother, I think you'd be dead by now. HaHa. Luckily, I don't have brothers. Anyway, with or without you, life goes on no matter how shitty it would be. And heck, since you left, I don't even have a single scar on my hands, AWESOMENESS! HaHaHa.

But yes, I have to admit this, I do miss you, I do wish you'd just come back and be in a relationship with me, I do wish you'd miss me and love me still (ala, kan u said u'd always be there for me, and breaking up was not easy for you too, eventhough you seem to be doing SUPERFINE, HaHaHa), I do wish we were still together like normal.

Ahh, nevermind, nevermind...Life goes on with or without you in it. Plus, I never needed a man to make life happen anyways. Was single for a year plus, almost 2, before I met you anyways, was doing great only. Now, I will concentrate on loosing SO MUCH WEIGHT, and am going to try to be a model, and an awesome photographer. After all, my dreams is to work with National Geographic as a photographer and have a HUMMER before I die. So, I will concentrate on achieving that! :)

Hope you will take good care of your self, always remember what I have told you, that health comes 1st before work, don't smoke too much if you're drinking, always remember to call your parents. I wish you all the best in life.

P/S: Remember, I will, love you all my life, I will still hope that you'd come back, and that I will always be there for you no matter what. You can always count on me. Unless you're just using me. LOL~

*no hard feelings aite...

Anyways,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #38 --> 7 Things I hate and love about YOU!

2012-01-06T17:10:00.000+08:00

This song, I could really sing it a million times to you. Like seriously, a million times, and never get bored of it!

"7 Things" by Miley Cyrus

I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we've shared

It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
But nothing's ever gonna change until you hear, my dear

The 7 things I hate about you

[Chorus:]
The 7 things I hate about you (oh you)
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends they're jerks
And when you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

It's awkward and silent
As I wait for you to say
But what I need to hear now
Is your sincere apology
And when you mean it, I'll believe it
If you text it, I'll delete it
Let's be clear
Oh I'm not coming back
You're taking 7 steps here

[Chorus]

And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention
The 7 that I like

The 7 things I like about you
Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
And when we kiss, I'm hypnotized
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined everything's alright
I want to be
With the one I know
And the 7th thing I like the most that you do
You make me love you
You do (oh)

Now, that's her version of 7 things. This is mine. Here goes nothing, ala, it's not like you read my blog anyways...LMFAO~

7 Things I hate about you:

- You're lame, your games, you're insecure!

- You love me, but how far true was that?

- You can make me so happy, but you can make me so sad too!

- I hate how I can't tell whether you're telling the truth or you're telling lies.

- You're a runner. In life, problems will always appear!

- You never share your problems, you keep too much, you hide things.

- You made me saw love, you made me love you!

Aha, there are also 7 things I love about you:

- Your smile, your eyes, your smell

- When we kiss, I'm hypnotized

- How you showed me love

- You're smartness, you're stupidity, your gangsterness and your perfectness

- You're parents, your life

- When we're intertwined, everything is alright

- You made me love you.

Yeap...Those are the 7 things I hate and love about you. Blergh, it's not like you're gonna read this anyways.. It's not like all these matters anymore anyways...So, whatever lah..

Anyways,

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #37 --> No one, messes with Nathra!!

2012-01-03T23:19:00.000+08:00

Ha Ha...

Well...Readers, do good in life, and you get it back in return. Do shit in life, you'll get shit back in return. Karma. Don't under estimate the power of it. Beware. Don't toy around with it.

And, most of all, don't mess around with Nathra, even to each member of my family. I may look stupid, I may act dumb, I may be a kid, but, the power in me, don't under estimate it. You'll get a nice one in return. The fire has started, and it's spreading real bad. Beware is all I can say. Like I always tell everyone, "no one, messes with me."

Just a reminder to all you readers, don't do shit to me...You don't want to end up pretty bad :)

Anyways,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #36 --> This post, full of crap...

2011-12-29T22:59:00.000+08:00

Where should I start.....

Oh, how about how fucked up I feel...Aha..Yeap..Damn fucked up...Like 10 super fast train just going on me, crushing my bones, leaving me on the track, dead.

Life. Love. All that, seems to be crap when it comes to me. Nice, sweet, beautiful, great, it can never last. It always ends up ugly. But why do I feel this time, it will be beautiful? Or is that just some stupid instinct I should not trust? Why do I feel like I will end up with you? Damn. It's so difficult. Dreaming about you almost every night. FUCK! But, pity you also, to end up with a person as fucked up and damaged as me. Hmm...

I envy you. I envy your life, your parents, I envy it all. I wish I were you. I wish they were mine. Haihh...I thought I only fell in love with the son, but, apparently, I'm in love with the parents too. Daymn...

ARGH. Can I please go into a coma now and loose my memories? I don't want a single memory, because all of it was just pain. Happy memories? That too, it never lasted anyway. So, why think about it? It will only cause pain.

PAIN PAIN PAIN!! That is what Nathra's life is all about.

This is it. I still want to work in Jakarta. I want to go there, and live life there. Fuck everything else. I wanna be a gothic chick. Thick eyeliners, skinny body, fishnets, short skirts, CONVERSE, dark black hair with only few strands of shocking pink highlights, don't give a damn about anything anymore, being emo and dark all the time, hate people, hate everything...I wanna be that. LOL. Yeap. I will get a job in Jakarta. It seems like a cool place to start my new life. WOOT WOOT.

Anyway,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #35 --> It's My Fucking Blog!!

2011-12-28T17:20:00.000+08:00

Pengecut. Bangang. Pukimak. Sialan anak haram.

Kengkadang, rasa nak menjerit je tu. Tapi, orang dulu2 kata, kalau 'dont bark at a barking dog'...Kan? Takpe..biarkan je lah.

TAPI KAN!!!

DEAR READERS.....MY FUCKING BLOG, IS WHERE I CAN CRAP AND BULL ABOUT ANYTHING I WANT. IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ, JUST READ, SHUT AND QUIETLY FUCK OFF. IF YOU WANNA COMPLAIN BOUT SHIT, WTF? DON'T READ IT THEN!

Seriously. Ini blog aku. Ini diary public aku. Lu sapa nak kata blog aku tak patut ke, nak kata post aku camni ke, post aku camtu ke. Kalau aku nak tulis pasal lelaki, itu hak aku. Kalau aku nak tulis pasal hidup sialan aku, itu hak aku. Kalau aku nak tulis pasal agama ke, pasal kawen ke, pasal ape lancau ke, itu hak aku. Lu sapa?

Haih.. Sadis. Ada jugak orang yang bangang sibuk nak baca tapi nak complain2, nak sound2.

Bikin hati gua panas lah.

But hey, to those kind readers who does what I say, thank you.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #34 --> The battle I'm in...

2011-12-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

The most important battle of life.

That is what I am going through now, I think. I feel, fighting my point, fighting my case, so just I would get him back is just so bloody important. I never thought I could love a human being as much as I love my baby Arrow, well, heck, I love this man so much, I'd do anything. Yeap, that's how much I fucking love you occay (if you read this!!)

It was nice to be able to talk to him the other day. Even though it ended up with him telling me to go do research. HaHaHa. AND I DID!! The answers I found, wow, miracles. Now, I need to talk to him again. If I'm a lawyer, I would definitely win this! HaHaHa.

I see a future with him. And I want him to be in my future. I need him to be committed. Can he be committed? Will he be committed in a relationship? HmMmMm. Well, I did get answers from him, and I hope he was not lying about it. I asked if he love me and if he even wants to be married to such a damaged and messed up person like me. I wonder what is on his mind. For the first time in my life, I could not read a guy. Usually, it was so easy to read men. This one here, this man here, damn, if I could just shrink myself and get into his brains.... What is he thinking? He makes me feel that he's confused and on top of that, he makes me confuse. LMFAO~

It's fucking weird.

I also thought about the question my sister asked me, "Are you desperate?" At that time, when she asked, I said I don't know if I am desperate or not. But now, after a week plus, I found the answer. I am not. Because, I can live without him. I can move on without him. But, I choose not to. All these while, I have never met anyone who can lift me up from being down, who puts a smile on my face no matter how shitty I feel on that day, who brings out the confidence in me, who makes me think like a grown up, who made the real me appear and make me feel so real. I am not talking all these because I am blinded by love. But I am saying all these because of deep thinking. I know what I want now. I know what I'm fighting for. I know of what I will be facing with. Hey, after all, isn't life a ride of rollercoaster? Life is a challenge, and I'm willing to face it.

See, when Nathra has set her eyes on something, a target, she can never let go. She will fight mati matian for it. HaHaHa. Yeap, I'm not a quitter, and I don't give up easily. Mulut jer boleh cakap give up, but I just won't. Determination. And yes, like he said, I am a pusher, and I am hard headed as shiet load, damn keras kepala, damn degil. But that is because, like I said, when I want something, I will get it.

Anyway, now, I wish he would talk to me. Cause, somehow, I feel like he's avoiding me. Hmmm... But hey, I don't know. After all, Nathra always think of negative before positive. HaHaHa. Can't help it.

Alright. Enough with all these crap now.

Anyway.

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #33 --> Dreams...

2011-12-21T20:52:00.000+08:00

Written on: 21st December 2011

In the darkest night,
I dream of you.
I wish all my dreams,
Would come true.

Can the real be fake,
And the fake be real,
Because all that matters now,
Is that I'm thinking of you.

Reality,
Oh reality,
It is just too scary.

The future,
Is simply not ours to see.

Oh dreams,
Each night I dream of you,
I wish all my dreams would come true.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #32 --> Understand! Understand her...

2011-12-19T22:08:00.001+08:00

Written on : 19th December 2011

Understand!

Understand her...

Open your heart,

Open your mind,

Hear her out please...

Lost in many aspect of life,

Help is all she needs,

But no, not from friends, not from family,

She needs to help herself...

This is the climax of her life,

A point where she has reached,

She has been thinking,

About many different things,

The future, what will it be...

A decision need to be made,

She must stand tall,

She must be strong,

And all she needs,

Is support and understanding.

So, understand!

Understand her...

Open your heart,

Open your mind,

Hear her out please...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #31 --> The man...

2011-12-19T21:58:00.002+08:00

Written on : 19th December 2011

There was a time,
When she'd given up hope on love.
She never trusted men,
She closed her heart till then...

There was a guy she met,
A crush from back then,
A 14 year old girl,
Now all grown up,
After 11 years,
They finally date.

She thought she could never love a man,
The way she loved her son,
Little did she know,
She was madly in love with him.

He lifted her up from a dark hole,
The darkest hole no one could imagine,
He shined her path,
He gave her a reason to live again.

She never knew love,
She never understood love,
Till she stared into his eyes,
And it was glowing, so beautifully,
Showing her what love meant.

They barely knew each other,
But love was in the air,
Till suddenly, one day,
He took her soul away.

She fell again, deeper than before,
To a place where no one could reach her again.
She hopes to see a hand,
She hopes to see him again,
But where oh where,
Is that beautiful man?

Now what's left,
She's drowning in her tears,
Will he be back,
To make her live again?
Where oh where,
Is that beautiful man?

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #30 --> The Blade, oh how I miss it...

2011-12-19T21:47:00.000+08:00

Written on : 27th November 2011

There she goes again,
Thinking of her blade,
The sharpness of it,
Going slowly through her skin,
The stingy pain she'd feel,
The blood slowly oozing out,
Oh, there it goes,
She misses it,
Back then,
When all that happens,
Her face would have been sticky,
Caused by her tears,
Slowly drying up,
The sweat would have come and go.

It has been quite some time now,
Since she last did it,
All she has now are scars,
To remind her of her hard times,
And oh yes, she misses it.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #29--> Breath and live life...(POEM TIME)

2011-12-19T21:43:00.000+08:00

Written on : 27th November 2011

Breathe!
Take it easy!
Just go with the flow!
Those are the words I tell myself.

After 25 years of living,
Somehow there's still negativity in me,
I've developed this terrible mood swings too,
I need to change.

Change.
Can I really do that?
Will it really work?
What happened to that person I use to be?
Is she still here,
lingering in me?

Let's see what the future brings,
Just like that que sara sara song,
'The future's not ours to see,'
So, I shall let it be,
And just keep doing what I have been doing,
Breathe and live life.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #28 --> Here is another sad one...

2011-12-19T18:06:00.000+08:00

This is another sad one...

It has been 8 days now, since the man I love left this relationship. Just a while a go, I watched this Malay girl's video, about how her fiance` proposed to her. It was sweet. And now, he is on my mind...

I don't need him to propose to me!! LOL.

I just wish it was always 'us' in everything. I wish I could tell him how much I misses him and love him. How much I miss his parents. How much I miss Tiger, his dog. And Stout, that small little fella that makes SO MUCH noise. I wish everything was normal, like it was before. I wished he'd talk to me, talk about us, find out the main problem and find a solution. I wish, I could hug him again, kiss him again, just seeing him looking and me and feeling so satisfied to be able to see love in his eyes. I don't think I have ever saw that look in my whole entire life. I wish I could replay that moment again and again. Hmm...

Occay, who am I kidding right? Fine, I can't pretend that I am alright, that I am fine, that I am happy, that I don't think about him even when I drive, that I am doing all great here. I can't.

I wish I can tell him that I'm with him in all things, that I will always be there supporting him, that I understand how much he loves his job, that I respect his religion, that I will never fall out of love with him, that he stole my heart, that he takes my breath away, and, that I will always be with him, till death do us apart.

But, I guess I can't. The worst part is, wishing for things that are not wish-able. Most of all, I wished what happen was just a bad dream.

I miss 'us'.

:'(

Anyways,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #27 --> WOAH, I finally know the story from Dad...

2011-12-17T16:54:00.000+08:00

So, finally, semalam sempat interview Daddy.

Wow. Now I know the story. I think even my sisters don't know. Damn. Tak sangka betul sampai begitu sekali. This story, he gotta know weh...Excited nak bercerita pada dia. Cuma, will he still talk to me like normal?

But hey, I can't believe Dad did that...Wow...Amazing lah... Demi cinta, people would do anything kan...Mungkin, all this is their Karma? Hmm... What goes around, comes around kan. And now, I pula ikut jejak dia. Hmm...Kalau si dia tak accept aku, then tak jadi lah, kalau si dia accept aku...Karma....HaHaHa...

Oh, yeah, sorry readers. This story, is not for the public to know. It was already hard enough for him to tell me. Takkan lah aku nak senang2 cite kat sini right? HeHeHe...

Anyway,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #26 --> I was such a drama queen. Sorry Readers...

2011-12-17T16:47:00.000+08:00

Occay.

I think I was over reacting when he left me. Which girl wouldn't? HeHeHe...

Only, I just feel things can work out well. Tapi, kalau hati orang tu dah tak nak, kita tak boleh buat apa lah kan. Menangis air mata darah pun tak guna. At one point, kita cuba and cuba, kalau dah tak berbaloi, kena give up gak kan. Kalau jodoh, tak ke mana pun kan?

Cuma, sedih gak lah. I really loved his family. I wish my parents were as cool as his. But, erk, kenapa ek? Kenapa sometimes, some people can't see what others do for them? I mean, I was adapting well to his lifestyle. Hmm. Eh, asal aku fikir2 benda ni. Forget it lah. If it's meant to be, then ada lah. Kalau tak da, then tak de lah. Kan Kan? LMFAO...

Tapi, I would like to apologize to everyone, especially my readers. I really think it's such a pity for you to read such a sick in the head blog. HaHaHa. I'm just me, I'm such a drama queen. Can't help it. It's just me.

Weh, I can live without him. But, if he comes back, it would be great, not just great, but awesome. HaHaHa..Boleh lah ada teman berbicara semula, teman yang setia, teman yang selalu mendengar. Dia macam bestfriend, bukan lover. Hmm. Aneh bangat ya.

Anyway,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #25 --> I feel good today ;)

2011-12-16T23:18:00.000+08:00

Today, I went shopping for Christmas.

Was suppose to only search for things that has green or red, for the Christmas celebration tomorrow in office, and, to get that Secret Santa gift for my friend, and a cellophinetape, a wrapper, and 5 bottles of sparkling juice.

But heck, I ended up with some extra things, CLOTHES!! Shoots, I shopped today. Spent RM 96 bucks for an awesome jacket, a green bust tube, and a beautiful top. LMFAO...

I feel like a girl!! HeHeHe..But, shoes, will always be converse..my number one brand that I'm married to. HaHaHa.

I feel soo good today. Was so stressed up in office though earlier. My work mate, was so selfish, dah lah I help him do his work, then, somemore purposely want me to stay back. Saje je kan nak cakap kuat2 depan boss. Hish..I have a life too lah..Ngek! Anyway, then, was suppose to meet my friend, but, she fell asleep, I guess she was too tired, was pissed, but, I forgive her. :) Then was stuck in a massive jam. Called Mr. Ran on the way, owh, listening to his voice just makes me happy!! ;) I love him, as a friend ok!! He's nice. Then, reached home, finally, went to the toilet to pee, then left home again, went to Kajang town. Did all those shopping, MONEY!! Then, on the way back, met Mr. Ran, went for doshing moments, LOL, talked for a bit..Yeap, we only chilled for like 10-15mins, but, it was nice. After so long...Missed him alot.. And then, finally went home, finally ate too. LOL. Since Monday till today, Friday, I ate only 3 times. LMFAO...hungry, but then, just don't have the mood to eat. Did not even think of food till there was rock concert in my tummy, LOL, but that also, I ignored the concert. HaHaHa...

So yeah, I feel good tonight. Gonna take a shower soon. Then, sleep. Feel tired already. HaHaHa...No more skyping mahhh...HaHaHa...

WOOT WOOT...

Anyways,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #24 --> Pretty scary, the relationship was going too fast...

2011-12-16T23:06:00.000+08:00

So, these past few days, been thinking like crazy. Came up with a whole load of thinking. Finally thought about a new thought.

I think the relationship was going too fast. I was too madly deeply in love with him. These few days, not being with him, has made me thought of that. I think I might have also scare myself, apart from scaring him. LOL. It was going toooo damnnn fast... Like what Miss Nathia said. It was going too fast. I should have listened to her. Now, Mr. Ran told me the same thing too, that it might gotten a little to fast. :)

Thank God I have friends who made me realize that, even though my dumb mind is a little slow to have thought about that earlier. LOL.

Well, if you are reading this, yes, you! You know who you are. I'm sorry, if I was showing a little too much affection. LOL. It was scary eh? I kinda got scared too. Now. HaHaHa. Maybe I just never met someone as awesome as you, maybe I never saw love in all my ex'es eyes, maybe cause I have been single for a little long. I mean, yeah, it was only a year plus, but hello, reality check, Nathra never go single ok! So, that was a big achievement for me. LMFAO~ But hey, sorry for screwing it up. HaHaHa.

So, lesson learned, don't go too fast in a relationship. Helloooo, if I were a guy, I'd be scared too. Even now, I'm scared of my own self. LMFAO.. And, don't fall too deep. :)

Anyways,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #23 --> Just a little secret that needs to be told...

2011-12-15T17:52:00.002+08:00

Let me tell you a little secret.

Once upon a time ago, I have lost my faith in God. I screamed at him, I yelled at him, I said I hated him so much. Since then, life changed. It never always turned out the way I planned, when usually it does. Then I regretted much.

Then, there was another time, I lost believe again. I started thinking, why, why and why. I never found the answer. He was never there for me when I begged him, when I need him the most. That's all I know. Yes, I may not be perfect, I don't even know how to pray, but at least I tried. I'll say prayers in my heart. But nothing ever happened. Then, it was forgotten just like that.

Recently, it happened again. This time, I was 60% sure that I'm lost.

A person who rejects the existence of any God is a Atheist.
A person who is ignorant of the God of Abraham is a Heathen.
A person who worships other Gods is a Pagan.
A person who doesn't believe in God at all is Called an Antheist (a-without, theism-beliefs on God).
However, there are also Agnostics, people who believe God MIGHT exist, but haven't reached a conclusion.

Agnostic, that might be me. I have been thinking, if one day, if there was a guy who wants to marry me, but does not want to convert, I might just go get married else where than Malaysia. I would not convert, but, I might not mind him not converting too. But that will make me loose my family. Even though I can't stand them at all, it's still nice to have them around. So, if the guy would convert just for the sake of marriage, then follows back the God he prays to, that's way better. Parents? I think they will understand, if they were explained to properly.

So, back to the main topic here, I think I don't know whether to believe or not anymore. Where is God when I need Him? I had enough teachings about religion when I was a little kid; I put much interest in it. I can't blame anyone for this, because why I became this, is because of myself.

Recently, I was in a relationship with someone who's a non Muslim. People said he might ask me to convert. But no, he didn't. If he wanted me to, instead of breaking up, he would have asked me to convert. Some people gave a weird look when I say he's a Christian. So what if he's a Christian? That's what I'd say. Some might blame him for what I am today, but no, it was not his fault, not at all. It was me all along since I was a kid. It's my choice and my decision whether I would want to convert, or marrying him without anyone converting. Even if it was not him, I'd still do the same.

Oh yeah, when I was a kid, my super awesome close to me cousin brother died in a car crash. I was too little to understand things. But, see, he was an Indian, so, everything was the Indian way. That night, was so clear to me, like it happened just yesterday. His body was lying down, peacefully in the hall. There were prayer chants playing from the radio. There weren't much people in the house, they were mostly standing outside. And there I was, this little Muslim girl, sitting and leaning on her cousin sister (the deceased's sister), moving my body along with her body, as she was reciting prayer chants. The smell of that thing they burn, I remember the smell till today. I was sitting there, for so long, till my Mom called me and tell me not to sit near there. I was pissed at her for not letting me be there. HaHaHa.

I can't explain to people why I am Agnostic, but, it's just me. I gone through shit in my life, I begged Him to help me, He did not come. The ones I loved so hard, kept going, kept leaving, I begged Him a million times to stop taking them, but nothing ever happened. I begged him to help me in life, but nothing ever happened. So, is He really there? Or is He just some sort of creation that people from the Stone Age has taught us? I don't know.

There you go, a little secret that needs to be told.

I somehow believe that He might be there, that there are such thing as Heaven and Hell, that there are someone up there looking down on us, that there are such thing as Hinduism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, but, is it all true? That is what I'm not sure of. Who am I? I don't know too. Isn't it all the same? But, does He really do exist?

I'm sorry if this post might hurt some readers. But this is me. And heck, this is my bloody blog, so I can bitch about anything I want. But, then again, I am truly sorry if I have hurt anyone, never intended to.

Like I said, it's just a little secret that needs to be told.

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #22 --> Marriage?? Im too young ok!!

2011-12-14T18:47:00.000+08:00

Shit.

All these while aku pikir nak kawen? WTF? Was just thinking je lah...Xda lah nak kawen sekarang...ZOMG...Hidup pun xstabil lagi...Camne nak kawin? Diri sendiri pun x leh nak jaga, ni nak jaga suami, nak jaga anak, nak jaga hati mertua lagi...ZOMG...It is kinda scary actually...Damn...

I'm still young, baru 25...erk...28 camtu baru lah think about marriage...Itu pun if I decide to get married..Hidup berpacaran kan enak...Kalau udah nikah itu, susah deh mau lakuin itu, mau lakuin ini, mau bebas...

Aku itu nggak mau nikah, cuma, mau ada anak deh..Ngambil anak angkat bisa nggak? HaHaHa...

Marriage? I'm just too young for it. I'm just old at number - 25, but my mind, my soul, my attitude, I'm 21 weh...I'm not matured enough..Dah lah I'm so damage, I'm so messed up..Then I thought about marriage? WTH was I thinking about? Look at everyone around me...Everyone has such fucked up marriage..Everyone keeps fighting, breaking up...Yeah, maybe that's why I never felt love, till he showed me love.

kesian all you readers, have to read such a messed up person's crap...LMFAO~

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #21 --> Interview dad about forbidden love. HaHaHa!

2011-12-14T15:12:00.000+08:00

Number 1 thing to do.

Ask Daddy how he felt when he wanted to marry Mommy.

So, Dad was a non muslim, how did he marry Mom? I wonder. How did he feel about converting. I wonder. How did he made it through. I wonder. I heard, when they wanted to get married, both side parents did not agree. But because of love, somehow, they made it through. They got married, and they have 3 beautiful so called angels. HaHaHa. So, they made it through their forbidden love. Hmm.

There are alot of forbidden love marriage, non muslim married a muslim. Some converted because they are really into the religion, and some converted simply because of marriage. Sometimes I wonder, those who converted only because of marriage, do they change? Or is there some who still follows their own religion back? I think I'm cool with that. I respect each human's belief and religions.

All these while I keep telling people I'm 50-50, 50 Malay, 50 Indian. But then, when I think about it again, I'm not. I'm like 70% Indian and 30% Malay. HaHaHa. And I have this strong feeling that I will either marry a non muslim, or not get married at all. So weird, but damn true. And now, I have a strong feeling that it will be him. Even weird occay.

So, I don't think religion will be an issue when it comes to love. Yes, there will be loads of mess, but then, if the feeling is strong enough, everything will falls into place. Those will all be tests of life. I'm up for challenges, but, is he?

Weird, how come it's always about what they feel? How about what I feel? Hmm... Don't I get a say?

Anyway,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #20 --> Things you should know.

2011-12-14T14:19:00.001+08:00

12th December 2011.

You ended things up. You started painting a beautiful picture, but all of a sudden, you tore the whole picture down.

"You don't get to say that you are not the right one for me, because you don't have a clue about how perfect you are to me. You complete the damaged me."

The reasons of why I loved you so much:
1) you are simply amazing.
2) you were so sweet.
3) I saw love in your eyes.
4) your family is awesome.
5) there was sincerity in you.
6) you gave me happiness.
7) you gave me love.
8) you accepted me the way i am.
9) you shined my life that has been dark all these while.
10) you gave me a reason to get up from the fall i had before.
11) you see right through me.
12) we are so much alike.
13) you were different than any men i have met before.
14) you always listen, no matter what.
15) i didnt have to be someone else when i'm with you, i'm only me when im with you.

I can give a million more reasons, but the main one is, because you made me real, you made me alive.

Dear you,
It may only be a month plus, but it felt like I was married to you. I can live without you, it would be a lie if I say that I can't, but, I don't know how to live without you, and I choose to not live without you. I wish you could see that you were the reason I became alive again. I'm not hurt, instead, I'm numb. You can never hurt me, cause you showed me love, you showed me happiness. Maybe you haven't gotten the chance to know me well enough to know why I kept saying that. It's occay. Shit happens, only, it kept happening to me.

Dear readers,
I have been doing some serious deep thinking. My choices to make, might disappoint many people, but, for love and happiness, I am willing to do these decisions I have make. Don't judge me, try to understand me.

Love is like a bus ride, you have many stops to go before you reach your destination. People use to say that you will just know if that is the one for you. I use to not understand that, but now, I do. I think I have found the perfect one for me. I have reached my destination. I am assured this time. My heart says don't let go of this, so, I will fight till the end for it.

p/s: I'm not writing this post because of how in love i am with him. I am not writing this post because people might judge me as crazy. No. I'm writing this post because my heart and brains finally came to a mutual understanding, for the 1st time in history. Somehow it says, he is the one. And I just don't know how to explain that to all of you.

Anyways,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #19 --> How much can hurt hurt?

2011-12-13T10:46:00.001+08:00

Hurt.

How bad can hurt feel if you have felt it too much and you don't feel a thing about it anymore, basically numb?

What's the difference of getting hurt now, than later? No big deal I think. Hurt is hurt. There's no 10% hurt or 90% hurt. It is all the same.

Well, like I have been saying all these while, Love, I guess, can just never exist in my life.

It's better friends than never right? Even though it hurts worst than being in hell? Hmm...

I really meant what I said when I can't loose him just yet. He was the hope in my life. Fuck. He was the sun that shined down on me. He was the one who made me alive again...

Haih...

But, why now? Occay, what if, I am willing to sacrifice for him? Jeng Jeng Jeng...It's him, it's just him, I know that...I can't explain, but I'm assured, it's him, he's the one.

Fuck fuckity fuck.

Anyways,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #18 --> Update...

2011-12-11T12:42:00.000+08:00

I'm so hurt.

Why does my life always revolve around the word W.A.I.T.?

I have been waiting my whole life, how long more must I wait? All I wanted was love and affection, happiness and joy. Is it too hard to just be able to feel all that? I'm tired, so tired of waiting.

Why can't people around me see right through me, feel me? Why?

I'm never going to give my heart out anymore, I'm never going to trust anymore, and this wall around my heart, will never be broken down again. This time, I'll control the game.

Anyway, so, Mr. Sunshine, oh dear, we haven't talked like we use to, since last Sunday night, and today is Sunday again. One week. It has made me loose my mind. Why is it that when a relationship just started, everything was so sweet and nice, then, it turn out to be weird. Hmm. He's married to his work, I know that. But, if he really did love me, takkan sekali oso cannot reply my text? But then, kesian him also, work so hard, day and night. And the worst part is, I don't know how is he, whether he eats properly, whether he calls his parents, whether he is really ok... Haih...I feel like shit not knowing anything about him. That suck.

Maybe I am selfish, wanting him to call me, to text me, to talk to me...But I just want security, I don't want this relationship to end, I want long term relationship. I don't care if he's not the one to be with me for eternity. But fuck, isn't it unfair, that God has always give me terrible relationship? Jealous siot tengok orang2 dapat bercinta dengan gembira. Haihh...

Nevermind, what goes, goes. What comes, comes. I guess since I signed up in this relationship, then I have to just deal with all the test God is giving me, suck it up like a soldier. After all, all these test, will only make me learn, will only make me grow, and will only make me stronger. I will just play the game and go with the flow.

Will things be better? Can it work out well?

What a little bird told me is true, I've been worrying so much about what will happen, when I should be worrying about now. Instead of thinking about myself, I should be thinking how is he doing over there.

I've been such a bad girlfriend. So selfish. Hmm. Alright, I'm gonna try cooling down, concentrate on life, concentrate on getting a new job, try to live a happy life instead of some depressed shit life, and give him the space he needs.

Anyway,

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #17 --> T.R.U.S.T.

2011-12-08T22:49:00.000+08:00

~~TRUST.~~

How much do you trust a person?

How easy do you trust a person?

I use to trust people alot and I use to easily trust a person.

After 30 times of having people breaking my trust, I was done.

" T.R.U.S.T. needs to be E.A.R.N.E.D. It does not appear out of nowhere."

I don't know how much I can trust a guy, or will I even trust a guy? The person I am with now, is not at fault. I can never blame him because it is simply not his fault. It was men, all the men I knew, they didn't just broke my heart, they took away trust too. Throughout my time of being single previously, I have built a tall wall, surrounding my heart, guarding it so well, so I would not trust and would not get hurt again. I'm not going to let my self get hurt again.

So, trust, it needs to be earned. At first it was going smoothly, the walls were cracking up. But now, it got patched up again.

Anyway,

u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #16 --> I need a bloody chillpill!!

2011-12-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

I think I suck so badly when it comes to relationship.

I feel pity for Mr.Sunshine, to have such a damaged person in his life. LOL.

But yeah, I don't blame him, I blame myself for being this person. I worry too much. Maybe cause I just don't want to loose him, he's special, he brings the confidence out of me, he's sweet, he's real, he makes me feel so special. Hmm. I'm not ready to loose him just yet, and I wish this relationship would go on forever.

"He is the sun, that shines on me, the moon, that shines my path when it's dark."

See right, he's a workaholic, damn, that's good, cause it's not easy to find a guy who think of work. HaHaHa. But, when he's working, he's really working, he don't text me and stuff, then I'd go crazy. Hey, don't point fingers at me occay, I'm just a female, with emotions, of course I think of negative stuff before positive. Obviously, I am a negative person, if you have been following my blog since I first started the bullshitting posts. HaHaHa.

Occay, I seriously need a chill pill. I need to chill!! I need to start going with the flow.

Men would get bored of a girl like me kan? Occay, masa untuk berubah. Harus cuba dan cuba berfikiran positive mulai sekarang! YES!

LMFAO...Waduh, udah gila lagi ini. Hilang akal kali...

Anyway...

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #15 --> H.O.P.E.

2011-12-07T22:12:00.002+08:00

You've hoped, prayed, hoped so hard, but nothing came true.

Here, this line goes to all you believers who've hoped so hard.

"Sometimes, when you stop hoping, things might come true."

There was so many things I've hoped for in life.

This recent hoped came true when I stopped hoping.

I gave up on hoping and wishing that mr. sunshine would talk to me and don't go silent on me, suddenly today, I saw him online. I said hi, and he replied saying he was damn busy. See, that was all it took, just tell me something and don't leave me hanging, I hate to be left hanging. But yeah, when I stopped hoping, it came true.

I gave up hoping on the design companies and international schools I sent my resume to, suddenly today, I checked my email, and saw one replied email from one of the company. Wow, I felt so excited since then. Yes, eventhough they just asked for my portfolio, they did not say I got the job, but then, it made me so happy.

So, the moral of the story here is, sometimes, you just gotta stop hoping, and things might come true. If it doesn't, then you gotta believe that it was never meant for you.

Just food for thoughts.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #14 --> NOKHTAH.

2011-12-06T22:15:00.000+08:00

Sampai bila?

Aku masih menunggu,
Hari tibanya semuanya akan terhenti,
Kesakitan di jiwa ini,
Air mata yang tidak pernah berhenti mengalir ini,
Sampai bila akan ku terus begini?

Aku harus meletakkan titik nokhtah,
Aku harus hentikan penyeksaan ini,
Bisakah aku meletakkan nokhtah itu?

Ya, aku harus,
Dan aku percaya,
Aku pasti boleh melakukannya!

Baiklah,
Aku akan hentikan kesakitan di jiwa ini,
Aku akan meletakkan,
NOKHTAH.
Itu dia,
Berakhirlah segala penderitaan,
Itu juga tandanya,
Tamatlah riwayatku.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #13 --> This is the story about Arrow, the angel that was sent to me...

2011-12-06T22:05:00.000+08:00

Do you believe that the best things in life comes for free?

I do...

Back in year 2000, I lost a cat, he was called Boboy...He was amazing, lovable, huggable..Sweet jer dia..I was still in grieving moments...Then God brought an angel in my life.

Yeap, in Mr. Razak's tuition, in Sekolah Kebangsaan Kajang(SKK), I found the one true love of my life, Arrow. Since then, life was so purr-fect. Arrow enjoys car rides, yeap, he would stick his head out of the window, have his tongue come out a little, his ears would go back as the wind goes against his soft fur. Arrow loves eating too, not forgetting he was orange, oh yes, seriously, orange, I would always tell him that he's exactly like Garfield. My whole neighbourhood knows Arrow well too. Ya la, he use to go missing, and I like one lost wife, would go call him, like calling a missing husband. Then he would run back to me :) Rindunya saat-saat yang dah berlalu tu. Arrow also loves sleeping with me, and, as long as I would still be on bed, he will be there too, as soon as I wakes up, he would wake up too. My mom would say 'Abang is your husband, Nathra...' HaHaHa...When I take a walk down the hill, I'd just say 'Abang, jom..' and he would come running...You know how those moments on tv where a girl and a guy runs freely in a field full of flowers, with no one around, yeap, that would be exact like me and Arrow. He listens to every crap I tell him, just talking to him and looking in his eyes, I somehow know that he understand, and he knows I understand him. He also listens when I say no or when I scold him, somehow, my cats all listens to me, thank God for that :) And, when I lock my self in my room, cut myself, cry my self to sleep, he was the one who would sit next to me, who licks the tears on my cheeks...No one bothered, no one cared, but Arrow would always be there with me, for me...Owh, I can't count the countless times I told him of how grateful I am that God sent him to me...

Yes, maybe people won't understand why no humans can win my love the way I loved Arrow. Maybe people would just say 'eh, he's just a cat'...Maybe he did not spend money for me, like my parents did, but he did what a parent should have done, he gave me strength to live, to breathe, to move on, to want to live...He took my sadness away, he was the reason I did not want to die. He showed me love, he showed me life...

07072011, that was the day my soul left me along with Arrow's soul. I'm now so lost without him. I guess, God loved him more that I did. But then, he was never mine anyway, he had always belong to God.

07122011, marks the 5th month since Arrow left. His grave is always covered with flowers and Al-Fatihah. Till today, I still thank God, for letting me feel love, care, and simply a true love and friendship, eventhough it was from a cat.

Arrow will always remain in my heart, no one or nothing can ever get him out of there. I love you Arrow. I will cherish each and every moment that we had spent together. You rest in peace my love.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #12 -- > Hello new car, Goodbye my baby WJQ 8200... :(

2011-12-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

Zomg, few minutes ago, I just received a call.

Queen.

The 1st thing she said 'Hello, I enjoy driving your new car...'

DAMN!!! And I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to my baby??!!! WTF!!!??? Why can't anyone tell me anything??!! I love my baby..WJQ 8200...I will cherish and remember you for the rest of my life...<3 you alot..you were the one I'd run to when I'm cry, sad, all those doshing moments, you making me feel like an F1 driver, owh, and that night of the break up, you accompanied me, you teman me cry eventhough I was hysterically screaming my lungs out to the songs played... damn that asshole who dumped me so kejamly...hahaha...

HOLY SHIET!!!

But, ya, hello to my new car..Too bad you haven't got the chance to meet your new owner yet.. Hmm...

GAJI OH GAJI, PUHLEASE DONT BE A B1TCH, PLEASE MASUK ESOK!!!

LMFAO~

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #11 --> Loneliness...

2011-12-05T22:12:00.000+08:00

Help!!!

Can you hear me?

Can you see me?

I'm afraid...

It's too dark in here,

I can hear the echo of my own voice,

I can hear the echo of my own cries,

Yet, I can't see anything.

Help me!

Please, just be here with me.

This is torturing,

I feel pain,

A deep cut right in the heart,

Take me away,

Get me out of here...

Darkness, gloomy,

I have my eyes wide open,

But why can't I see anything?

This echo is pretty scary,

Voices in my head is haunting me,

I'm haunted,

By my own deep thoughts,

I'm haunted,

By my own silent cries.

I don't want to be alone,

Take me away,

Get me out of here...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #10 --> Kehilangan...

2011-12-05T22:01:00.000+08:00

Hidup sepatutnya umpama burung-burung berterbangan bebas di udara,
Atau seperti ikan-ikan yang berenang tenang di dasar lautan.

Tapi, bagiku, semuanya pantas,
Tidak dapat ku pejamkan mata,
walau hanya untuk seketika.

Dunia telah berubah,
Apa yang Dia pernah ciptakan,
Semuanya hancur musnah,
Di tangan manusia.

Apa maknanya semua ini?
Adakah benar dunia ini hampir kiamat?
Manusia hilang agama, lupa diri, sesat jalan,
Apa ini semua tidak menakutkan kita semua?

Tapi, mengapa?
Kenapa aku masih berjalan ke arah itu?
Aku masih mengikut jalan yang salah.

Aku kebuntuan,
Aku kehilangan,
Aku cuba pejamkan mata,
Untuk melupakan semuanya,
Tetapi, gagal,
Ia datang menghantui diriku lagi,
Hanya sesaat sahaja aku menahan diriku,
Tapi, aku kehilangan lagi.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #9 --> Come away with me...

2011-12-05T21:54:00.000+08:00

Just a slow song I created back then...HeHeHe...Even did a recording of me singing it...LOL~

Come away with me,
Far away up high,
Fly away with me,
Up in the sky,
Come away with me,
To the moon up high,
Swim away with me,
Deep in the ocean free.

We'll be so high,
Up in the sky,
High above the mountains,
We'll make it through,
Just me and you,
Be wild and free,
Together...Together...
Just me and you,
Wild and free,
We'll make it through,
Together...

Come away with me,
Far away up high,
Fly away with me,
Up in the sky,
Come away with me,
To the moon up high,
Swim away with me,
Just you and I.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #8 --> Damaged...

2011-12-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

Life,

It can be a real bitch.

Pain,

I felt it almost all my life.

Hurt,

That is what I feel.

Trust,

I think I lost it.

Love,

I'm too blind to see it.

Wall,

That is what I have built around my heart.

Lost,

That's what I am now.

Hatred,

That's all I know.

Friends,

I have lost a lot of them.

Family,

Who are they? Seriously.

Money,

It torn my family apart.

Soul,

I don't think I have one.

Heart,

It bruises easily.

Relationship,

I want to be in a long one.

They might say,

That life is so beautiful,

That life is amazing,

I don't believe in that.

They don't know what I have been through,

What I have seen through out my life,

They don't feel pain.

I'm damaged.

I'm messed up.

I'm too damaged to be cured.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #7 --> If I lived in the US of A...

2011-12-04T23:44:00.000+08:00

It was 11.22 pm; I was laying on the bed, trying not to think too much about Mr. Sunshine, then the thought of me living in US came up on my mind. I just had to blog about it.

If I lived in US of A, these are the things that will happen:

I think I would not wear a bra.
I will get a pierce, under my lips, right in the middle.
I will go clubbing every Friday and Saturday night.
I will live a wild life, do things that I haven't done before.
I would love to rent a car, and just drive to nowhere, go on road trips.
Go shopping a lot.
Learn to cook coz it's not easy getting Halal food there?
Go thin within 3 months.
Work my ass off for money.
Stand in the middle of Times Square, and snap a photo just like that nostalgic photo, the kiss or some shiet like that.
Start on my nudity photography shots, find people who would go nude for me or couples having sex and want that moment to be captured. ;)
Wear short skirts, leggings, converse high cut shoes, wear hot heels, have so many sleeveless. I'd just be hot and sexy.
Get the love of my life to live with me, in this case, Mr. Sunshine. Live a married life with him. LOL.
Ride a Mustang.
Have a dog, Siberian husky perhaps.

Hmm, I just have to do all those. HaHaHa. That is, if I lived in US of A.

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #6 --> Fresh new start, across the sea!!

2011-12-03T19:43:00.000+08:00

Alright Alright...

I know, my post previously was a sick post. Don't blame me. HeHeHe...Blame my weird mood swings lah..Going crazy already trying to cope up with my bloody hell of a mood swing...

I need to get a new bloody job A.S.A.P. so that I can quit before getting confirmed by the end of December, which is THIS EFFING MONTH!!!

Anyway, so, I'm gonna get a new fresh start, hopefully. I've applied for jobs in Singapore and Indonesia..If I get a job in Indonesia, that will be super awesome, coz I will be a millionaire there...WOAH!! Imagine if they agree to pay me 6.5 million, which is about RM 2275...Damn...JUTAWAN WEH!!! And I don't need to pay EPF and all that shiet (coz I think I won't be living till 55) LMFAO~ But if Spore, suck sikit lah...Hmm...Everything oso expensive, living cost, dosh, minum, bla bla bla...haihh..If Indonesia, food pun senang cari, dosh cheap, minum pun cheap, I heard can get 1.5mil whole apartment for rent...Hmm...Occay kan?

I need this fresh start so badly. Aku dah tawar hati duduk kat Malaysia ni. Benda yang menghalang aku untuk melangkah jauh adalah anak-anak aku (kucing lah!!)..Kalau ikut macam si Sunshine buat, senang lah, tiap bulan balik, renew visa..Hmm..Dapat gak balik few days kan..Harap-harap, they accept me, they accept my permintaan gaji, AND they accept me nak balik tiap bulan..LMFAO~ Ingat company bapak hang ke cik nathra oi!!! LOL~

Tapi, tu lah dia...Tak tau lah how I'm gonna survive being independent. See right, 25 years of living, not even once my parents allow me to go out to venture the world and be independent...So, yeap, I'm pretty much dependent on people. It's time to change. Good kan, my plans?

Change is good. It makes a person see a whole lot of different things from various aspects. Oh crap, ape benda lah pulak aku crap ni. HaHaHa.

Oh, kalau dapat kerja di Indonesia, senang deh, karna gwe juga bisa ngomong bahasa Indonesia. Iyalah, udah di dalam darahnya seh, gwe ini campuran Indonesia juga ya..HeHeHe..Occay, not perfect lah, but can lah..HeHeHe..

Anywayz, let's pray for me and this fresh new start aite.. Thanks readers, for always being soooo patient reading my craps and bulls..HaHaHa...I really do feel pity for y'all...

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #5 --> Truth to be told...

2011-12-03T17:14:00.000+08:00

I think it's time to tell the world the real me.

Well, here goes nothing...

Back then, when I was a little girl, I was the happiest. There was no questions to what is life about or what love means or worrying about money. I did no know a single thing about anything. All I felt was fun, being mengada2 with my family members, the love my family gave me (oh, yeah, being the last daughter in the family, hehe), going for all those camping trips, and all those 4X4 trips around Thailand. Life seemed so easy back then.

Till, I entered the age of 15. I started to feel the urge of committing suicide. I wanted to die so badly. Why you may ask, but I don't know the main answer to that. Being a teenager I guess. Or I started feeling like there was no freedom to life. I was different than any of my family member. I hated the education system, I hated studying, I just wanted to have fun, I became a theft in my own house just for the sake of having money to chill with my friends, I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Oh, yeah, forgot to mention, I was in a 2nd ranking class when I was 14, but I was placed in the last class when I was 15. Maybe that changed my life. Maybe that was the cause of me giving up in life. And on top of that, the love I felt was going away, my family (without realizing) was slowly breaking up due to money. That was when each night I prayed to God to take my life away and that too was when I started playing around with blades. Yes, I have had tonnes of scars. Why I cut myself? Because the pain from the cut, would overtake the pain that goes in my heart, and it's nice to see the blood slowly coming out of my skin. No, I'm not crazy, I just act crazy. Then I would skip tuition almost everyday, to go chill in Metro Kajang. I became one screwed up case, yet, people still think I was a goodie good girl. Why? Because I did not act wild? HaHaHa. Master in disguise, that's what I would call myself. LOL.

So, this is me, and what people may talk about me after my death, " Nathra, the girl who gave up on life since she was 15..." Hey hey, next thing people would think is, pity her family..Right? No! Because no one cares. If they actually really cared, when they found out I have scars, they would not have think that I was following some black metal shit. And they would not have said things like I was a trouble to them. They would not have indirectly called me stupid.

All I wanted was love and care. Yes, there you go, I'm admitting it now. That might be the reason why I had all those 30 ex boyfriends. Because all throughout my 25 years of living, all I know is how to love, but I never known what love was. I would go to friends, to relatives, to family, to boys, just to feel love and care. Call me sick and sadist, but I did everything I could to feel love. I needed the attention. Oh, yeap, I love attention and fame. If I had to become a killer for fame, I would have done it.

I crave for acknowledgement. All those sacrifices I did when my sisters gotten their chance to study in UK. I was a growing teenager, what my friends had, I never had. That's when I started stealing, just so that I could go chill in mcd with them. Sick right? But heck, that was life, I guess. But no one knows what I felt inside. No one asked. No one cared. No one even asked me if I was occay for not getting the chance to study abroad. Yeah, I really don't mind coz I hated studying anyway, but it's just nice to have someone that cares for me. I don't even remember when was the last someone actually looked in my eyes deeply and just ask me if I'm really occay.

See, maybe my life is not so bad compared to others, but heck, I still have to go through all of it, I am a human being too, don't my feelings matter too? To make it even worst, honestly, I'm fucking lost. I don't know what the fuck I want in this life, what's the purpose of me being here... It's the worst, when you have no clue on what the fuck you're doing in this world or what the hell you wanna do in life. I'm completely lost!

In love, that's another story. I need to be constantly reminded that he loves me. Why? Because all they did (my 30 exes) was just saying those three so called fucking magical words. They don't put it in action. So I don't know how to see if a person loves me. Pity mr. sunshine, to have a super screwed up person like me eh? Haihh...I'm just too damaged. Can he be the one to change me? Occay, here's the thing, I'm starting to believe him, I'm starting to trust, but, when he's in front of me, I can see love, I can feel love, but now that he left again, I don't feel it. How fucked up am I right? Urghh...I love him so much :(

But thinking about those 3 days, wow, the way he looked at me, the way he caressed my hair in front of his friends, oh shit, and how he put food for me on my plate when we were dining with his family and friends...No one ever did that to me!! Wait, no guys ever even wanted me to know their friends...Oh fuck, he's doing this for me and I am still blind...

Oh shiet, anyway, forget love. So, life, yeah, I hated life and that has been like, erm, forever...Yeah, I just wanna run away from all this shiet and just live in a jungle..Or best if life just ended.. I'm so tired of being me, of playing this so called games of life. I'm tired...

Ha, now, I hate work. I wasn't born to work, oh wait, maybe I was not born to work in offices!!! I need to move around. Yeap, my attitude towards work has gone so bad. I go late, I go as I like, I have the urge of shouting at my senior when he tells me to change something that I have been doing like forever now..Urgh, I don't even talk to any of the bosses, unless it's fully related to work. I'm fucked. Seriously, fucked. I'm looking for another job now, like gile2 mencari. Looking for jobs all around the world. Let's see where life brings me to.

Occay, I think the truth has been out.. Hmm... That's all I would crap for now, I guess.

" I wished God has given us a 'user manual guide' book when He created us.

That would have made my life puzzles a whole lot easier..."

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #4 --> Love, Seemed pretty believable now...

2011-11-30T20:19:00.000+08:00

"Every moment spend with you is a moment I treasure, and every kiss you give will be the only one I would ever remember."

It's pretty believable now and I'm starting to trust. His eyes showed me love. The way he treated me, the way he cared for me, they way he talks to me, I'm starting to fall deeper and deeper, I'm starting to trust him, I'm starting to believe that this is all real. Is that a good thing? Hmm...

The best part was just waking up in the morning, and he was the first thing I saw. OMG, I will cherish that forever. Shit, this is getting to deep, right? Damn, I'm always stupid when I'm in love.

Scared? Yeah, I'm scared like shiet, but this is life, if I get heartbroken again, so what? That's life right? And life moves on, eventhough it will be hard like a metal beam, but eventually, I will move on. But I hope it will last long. Last forever? I don't know. We're two different people from two different religion. Yeah, eventhough my culture is more to Indian culture, but, what he asked me before, replays on my mind. If I were to marry a non-muslim, will he willingly want to convert? I mean, to me, if dah sampai tahap nak kawen tu, kena lah convert, tapi itu lain2 punya hal, itu belakang cerita lah bro...HaHaHa...

Wait, why the fuck on earth am I thinking about all this kawen shiet? WTF? Chillax lah Rock Chiq, today baru genap sebulan dia bergelar boyfriend. Haihh..But, wait, I'm just too screwed up and messed up, will he even think of marrying me? Nah, I think I'm too messed and screwed up that no one would ever wanna marry me. Hmmm...

Yes pitiful readers, I'm super messed up, fucked up, screwed up, ahh, all the UPS lah..No freaking way anyone would want to spend their lifetime with me, what more Mr. Sunshine. Haihhh...

But yeah, anywayz, let's talk about now lah, he's just so bloody sweet. Or maybe because there weren't any guys yang treated me like that. Or maybe coz he's matured enough, not like those younger kids I use to date. Or maybe because I changed? I mean, seriously, I had so many kekurangan back then when it comes to love, but I'd rather not say it here. HeHeHe.

Eh, anyway, these past few days was the best days of my life of having a boyfriend lah weh..Chilling with his friends (MEREKA SANGAT AWESOME OK!!), chilling till so late (OMG, FREEDOM!!), spending time with HIM..Ahh, sangat hebats lah! Nanti nak ajak mereka2 datang lepak kat gazebo rumah lah :) Cuma pity lah, no alcohols allowed..LMFAO~

Haih, now here comes the sad part, he's leaving tomorrow :'( I feel like crying actually, tapi xboleh, kena control macho. HaHaHa..BTW, I love his family, they are so cool. His mom and his dad, sangat baek. Hmm..And I love the fact that my Mr.Sunshine is a workaholic and familyholic, it's not easy to find a guy like that these days occay! His flight is at 1pm tomorrow, I will be at work then. I wish I was rich, that I didn't have to work, and I can fly across the sea to him anytime. DAYMN!!

Oh, is it normal for guys to not say 'love you' and is it normal for girls to always say 'love you'? But these days, I noticed since he don't say it, I seldom say it too. Hmm. But I love him, I know my heart does. And I can see it in his eyes that he loves me too. Lagi satu, macam banyak je persamaan antara me and him. Hmm, aneh bangat sih..Takut juga lah. Tapi, xpe lah, just go with the flow lah kan? Kalau ada jodoh, ada lah. Kalau xda, xpe, move on sudahhh..hahaha...

Shiet, gwe cinta bangat sama dia. Dan gwe sayang bangat sama teman2nya. Gwe juga sayang sama keluarganya. Dan anjingnya si Tiger. HaHaHa...Gimana ini sih..Gawat neh, gawat...Udah terjatuh cinta lagi. Waduh...

Eh, why on earth I'm suddenly speaking indo language? LMFAO~

Alright, before I crap on more shiet, let's end it here for now.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #3 --> Let's talk about the four lettered word...

2011-11-25T23:41:00.000+08:00

Let's talk about the four lettered word that people like to use so much..No, it's does not start with a F or a S…It's L.O.V.E. Yeap, let's talk about love.

When you hear the word love, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? When you think about love, what is your first thought? Is it sex? That's what most men or women think about these days. Coz they use their vagina and penis to think.

What I think about love? Well, let's see. First I would think of my dead cat, Abang Arrow, the one and only true love of my life. Then I would think of the love for God. Then I would think of the love my parents gave to me, and the love I have for them. Lastly, I would think about my future husband (whoever that will be, if I would have one).

My future husband. Can he love me purely? Can he give his whole heart to me? 100%.. I want a man who can love and treat me good. Who does not think with his penis. Who would be madly deeply in love with me, to the extend that when he tells me he loves me, I can see it in his eyes; I can hear his heart cry. Do they really exist these days? LOL. Well, and of course, he thinks about me every now and then. He would go crazy if he didn't meet me for at least a minute each day, and would die if he did not listen to my voice. I want a man that I can rely to, who can hear my heart out, who just knows me so well more than I know my true self. Well then, does such human being exist these days? Seriously…

I know, I know, that does not exist, and that's just bullshiet. HaHaHa..It would be nice if they did exist eh? HaHaHa.. Anyway, yeah, that's what I think about love or what I want from the word love.

Hmmm….

Well, mr. sunshine? Fuhhh… Yeah, he's sweet, I got pissed at him the other day. I should not have wrote my previous post. Since that night after the talk, till this very second, day 2, he had not said a word to me, talked to me, replied my text. :'( And I have been very sad since. So, do I love him? Hmm…I think I do. All I know is that I think about him, I'm worried coz I don't know if he's pissed at me now, or he's just busy, I can't wait to see him, but I'm scared too at the same time..Shiet, I miss him.

Ha, I can't write anymore, brain has gone jammed up because he's on it all the time. Hmm..

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #2 --> Pissed Is what I'm feeling right now!

2011-11-24T20:26:00.000+08:00

The chat on skype last night got me thinking alot. Seriously, ALOT...

What do men want? What the hell do they actually want? I got to figure that out..

Well, why can't he see what I'm doing, what I do for him? Why can't he understand that I just want to spend one whole day with him, even if that means just lying there beside him? Why can't he spend 1 and a half day with me, and 1 and a half day with his family? That's all that I'm asking. He made me start thinking that it's true what I have thought of all these while, that men just want to use me. Why? Why are men so evil and cruel? Occay, not all, but maybe the ones I meet...Why can't they fall madly deeply in love with me, like how I'm madly deeply in love with them? Or do that only happen in fairytales?

Damn, I just don't get it. He became my boyfriend a day before he left for oversea. Now, after a month, I get to be with him again, tu pun 3 days jer kot, then he's gonna go off again. Is it so hard to just please a lady? Haihhh...I totally respect his decision of wanting to spend time with his family, but, how bout me? I wanna spend time with him too. Oh, maybe the question here is, does he want to spend time with me? Some good quality time..Not just to do it, but to just spend time together, like true lovers? Damn, are we even true lovers? LOL..

Shiet people, all I want is just to spend some time with him. But what he said last night, had got me thinking alot.

This is so not fair. Why does my love life always suck? Why do men always treat me so badly? How many times of hurt I have to go through till I'm finally feel happiness? Maybe I will go to work now. Haihh...I just want to feel love. Yes, I crave for love and attention. This is what happens when that stupid shit people chase after so badly, yeap, MONEY, ruins your family. Then your parents would be so busy thinking about how the fuck to find money, they forget you. They forget they once had a baby whom they gave so much attention to. Yeap mom and dad, fuck my tears flowing like a river now, maybe all the shit I did was just to win your attention! URGH!

Now I'm fucking pissed. Last night I slept feeling fucking pissed too. Fuck, and work, shit, it's getting on my nerves too. I did not fucking stayed in college, finish my fucking diploma program, just to be some pirate ok, yeap, if the police found out, they would put me behind bars, coz I copy so many CDs at work. Is that the job of a graphic designer? FUCK!!

Shit, this love, the love this time, had made me loose my mind. Is it because I really love? If so, DAMN LOVE then.

But seriously, what he said, had got me thinking so much. Am I some person you come to when you need me, then leave as you like? Hmmm...

Sorry readers, sorry for all the swearing...

Btw, if u're my aunty, my uncle, my cousin, my siblings, my lover, my friends, my what the fuck whoever, this is the only place I get to let my feelings out. So fuck you if you think you're gonna go behind my back bitching about me, or turning my blog into a gossip topic. Coz you don't know the fuck I go through in life. So fuck off and just shut after reading! Thank you. After all, no one is perfect. And of all person, I'm just crap.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

Crapping 101 #1 --> New day of crap begins...

2011-11-23T23:36:00.001+08:00

Well well, it's a new title now. Done with bullshitting 101, now it's time for crapping 101..LOL...

So, here it goes again, all the crappy thoughts that comes in my head, that goes straight to my awesome blog, yeap, I think it's awesome, just like me. LMFAO~

The other day, this lovely girl, my cousin, said that I'm cool. HaHaHa..Wow, apparently, I'm cool. So nice to have people adoring me. NgEeEeE...

Yesterday, my friend read my blog for the first time, and he asked me, who am I. Wow, does my blog really speak the true me? Hmm..

This guy who's my boyfriend, shit, I think I'm in love with him. This feeling is weird. From all my past so called love life, this time, this feeling is weird. Is it because I'm more mature now? Or because my heart has been guarded by all the pain men has caused? But yet, I still feel like a child. HaHaHa. But then, today, there was this tiny voice in my head again..I just have to blog about it..I heard it saying, "Shit, I love sunshine, and I feel sad already. One day I will be heartbroken again. He too, will leave me, just like all the other man I loved. I wish he could stay and be the one..." Yeap, that sick voice. Sometimes I wonder if that sick voice is me, or some evil psycho person living in me. Weird.

Hey, don't you think it's weird, that I just think alot? Sometimes I feel like WTF? Why can't my brain stop thinking just for a second? I even think when I sleep. Urgh~

Oh, continue back my story.. So yeah, I love the fact that it has been 3days now that we skype. Lack of sleep, ahh, who cares. HaHaHa. I feel so good when I get to see him. Sometimes, I feel like I wanna gigit him so badly, coz he's sooo cute. Hey, when I say cute, it does not always mean the looks ok, it's the attitude. He won my heart, yeap, with his cute attitude. Oh dear, I miss him so much eventhough I see him on webcam. HaHaHa.

Well, it's just 4 days more now, till he comes back, for ONLY THREE BLOODY DAYS, but uh-ha, 3 days still counts right? Rather than not coming back at all. NgEeEe...But I wonder, will I see him again after he goes back there? HmMmM...I wish I could see him everyday, snuggle in bed with him each night, wake up in the morning seeing his face, and him, being the last person I see before I sleep - eh, sounds like husband jer..LMFAO~

Nah, I don't think there is a single human being out there who would ever wanna marry me. I'm lost weh, confuse child I am. Not forgetting, damn complicated, I mean, the wires in my brain has all tangled up kinda complicated. I'm actually a pretty simple person. I think. HaHaHa. Since I have a strong feeling that I won't marry a malay guy, I wonder what's the process of a non muslim converting to be a muslim. Hmm..No, I can't ask my mom how dad converted. You crazy? HaHaHa.

Oh fuck, ZOMG, so, I have been doing some workouts since last week. Jog, sit ups and now, dance on the dance mat with PS2. And damn, I lost 4 KGs. Na'ah, hell no, I ain't telling you my weight. HeHeHe. No one can know that, and no one knows. LOL. But weh, I'm so excited lah. 4 KGs look like a small figure, but it means big to me weh. See, I just have to go thin, occay, maybe not thin, but I want the figure I had back in highschool. The perfect size, perfect weight. HaHaHa. Plus, I gotta look good you know. HeEhEe...

Anywayz, got to go now. Feel like this craps are all really starting to sound like crap. Hah. See what I mean. LOL.

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#101 -->Insecurity and LOVE again..NgEeEe~

2011-11-22T20:51:00.000+08:00

Is it weird to be scared?

Yes, that's the line I want to start this blog with. Hmm.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to grow old alone, die alone in my house, with my cats just being around me. Or are they going to leave me too?

Insecure is what I feel. Insecure of myself, insecure of life, insecure of love, insecure of everything. I feel so scared. Yeap, I had just too much bad experiences in life. Maybe to some other people, it's just a small thing, but to me, it's a big deal. For instance, love. When I love, I really love, I don't look at other man. But why can't these people I have loved before look at all that? Why can't they see me for who I am? Just like my family. Hmm.

The reason why I choose to love animals with all of my heart? Because they don't judge me. They accept me. I'm fat, I'm a mood swinger, I don't know what I want to be in life, but they don't care about all that. Because, they see through me, they don't judge me. They make me so happy. Everyone else just choose to judge me all the time, they don't see right through me.

Shit, occay, let's get back to my main topic. Yeah, maybe I'm a big coward who just pretend that I'm fine, I'm strong and that I have control. Maybe I like to be in control cause it's a distraction.

Urgh, shit, what am I crapping about? Is this it? Is this what being an adult is? This sick feelings I feel in my chest? If in that case, being an adult is full of crap.

Anyway, happy thoughts, happy thoughts...Oh, shit, I think I accidentally fell in love..Oh no, am I going to feel another heart breaking moments? Coz I'm really so sick and tired of it.. It seriously does hurt occay readers. Please, don't say love, if you don't love. Easy. Don't pretend, don't be a faker. I mean, it hurts so much, I think it's even worse that being hit by a fast track train. Eh, but for now, fine fine, they can say I'm having love-sick/angau, or whatever shit they wanna call it. So what? I am, just human being kan? God created love among us all.

Oh no, I really feel so sorry for you readers, coz I'm talking crap again. HaHaHa..

Eh, 30th November 2011, would be 1 month I've been dating him. Insecure, honestly, yeah, there's just insecurity in this relationship. Maybe coz it's too early. Eh, what rubbish am I talking, macam cari suami jer. LMFAO~ I think I'm just too complicated for anyone to even think of marrying me. He's too awesome, he's perfect to me..But yeah, who cares about all the other stuff, he makes my heart beat, he makes me feel alive again, he makes me feel the air rubbing against my skin, he is my sunshine, and I love him. ;P

Occay, I think right now, this very second, I don't even know if I'm awake or asleep. I have only slept for 2 hours. Blergh...I'm gonna take a shower and sleep..Oh I miss him so much..Yeay yeay, not including today, it's only 5 days more!!!I can't wait... :) As son as I see him at the airport, I'm gonna just hug him so hard, and kiss him soooo hard, like there's just two of us left in this world. Ngeee heee hee....

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#100 --> Feeling Psyched!!! and some other weird shietzos..

2011-11-21T20:53:00.000+08:00

Zomg, I'm psyched!!!

Yesterday, 20.11.2011, he came online and we talked on skype. YES, webcammmm!!! Damn, I was so happy, I was smiling all the time, till my cheek hurts. LOL. We started skyping about 12am I think, till 3am.

*Sayang, if you are reading this, yes, I just have to update my blog. HA-HA.

I'm just sooooo happy that I was able to see him; I just miss him so much. Wow, being able to see his smile again, his eyes, and his tattoo, just being able to see him, I'm going GA-GA already lah. Even till today, when the thoughts of last night comes on my mind (which is most of the time), I'd just smile, and my heart bounces.

He just makes my heart beats so fast. I don't remember when the last a guy make my heart beats fast, maybe never. Hmm...Being in this relationship with him, is just so exciting, I don't know why. Maybe because it's him, the guy I liked when I was 14. Like seriously, WOAH! I bet he gets that alot, a girl liking him, I mean, who wouldn't like him. HaHaHa. Oh dear, I feel so bubbly now.

He's my sunshine, like that song "Sunshine in my window, that's what you are, my shining star..Making me feel, I'm on top of the world..."

Now, it's just 7 days more, till I get to see him for real again, and even though he's just gonna be here for 3 days, I will use all the time I can to be with him. But I know, family is important as well, I mean, if I was the one coming back from somewhere, I would want to spend some quality time with my family too, so I totally understand if he wants to do so. Like what the law of relationship says, 'give and take'...HeHeHe..

Shiet, I only have 250 bucks left in my bank. How how? DAMN, why must my pay only comes in on the 5th of each month? See, this job is just too far that I have no savings at all at the end of the day. I mean, seriously readers, why do we work, when at the end of the day, you don't get to save any money? Hmm..There's just so much things to pay...Car loan, Study loan, Car petrol, Tolls after tolls, Food, Ciggs, and just some money for chilling out with friends. I don't even shop, yet, no savings. Yes, I'm not like other girls, I actually hate shopping. It's a total waste of time. I usually shop when I know that I need something new. Am I weird? I don't think so..hmm..

Anyway, yesterday, I went to a job fair in PWTC, damn, it's just soooo government. No job opening for graphic designer. WTF right? I'm so gonna find a job somewhere away from Malaysia. I think Bandung is a nice place to work in, since I like Bandung. That's it, my target for this week, go online and search for job openings in Bandung, USofA and Singapore.

Oh dear, now that song by Jessie J "It's all about the money, money, money...", is playing in my head. Why must the world be all about money? Why is it so crucial to have money? What happened to happiness, love and peace? Why is money so important? URGH..If you have been following my whole blog since day 1, I'm sure you'd know that I HATE MONEY. Yeap, I hate money, no, wait, hate is a little less strong word, correction, I DESPISE MONEY! Money was the cause that torn my family apart, I mean, not really apart, but money was the cause of my family not being a family anymore.

Ha, I don't even get it when my mom want's me to marry someone who's well paid off. No, if she wants that, then she can marry them, cause at the end of the day, I just want a man who can make me happy, even if I have to live in a super small house, as long as he can feed me, and make me happy, that's enough. Plus, you work for money, you work hard, you get more. So, yeah, duit boleh dicari lah...

Oh, talking about marriage, my maid told me that my mom is worried of me. My mom went telling my aunties that she's worried of me, being single, after work, straight home, where got time to find a boyfriend. HA-HA. Good for her, she should be worried, who asked her to always not let me out to venture the world. But what she says is not true lah, I am not single, HeHeHe, but nah, I would never tell my parents if I'm seeing someone, until I'm assured that the guy is 'the one'. I just don't like the idea of telling them, then what if it don't work out, then what? Right? So, I will keep pretending, till I feel that the man I found will be the one. But it's kinda scary also, I mean, how do you know if that is the one? Oh readers who are married, can you tell me how you knew that the man you married was the one? For instance, even my friend, who recently got engaged, she's not even sure if he's the one...See...So how do you find out if that's the one? LOL...

But what I know is, I don't think I can marry a Malay guy. I just can't click with their minds. Yes, I am a Malay, but I'm also 50% Indian, and my mind is 50% Western, like most people who knew me would say, 'Nathra is just too westernized'..LMFAO~ I have a feeling that I will marry a non-Muslim dude, or not get married at all. HaHaHa..But I like the idea of waking up in the morning, and the 1st thing I see is my man, the person I love, the person I'd share my life with, and he would be the last I see before I sleep, so, yeah, I have to get married. HaHaHa...

Anyway, I think this post is just toooo long now, I should stop bullshitting..And oh, just couple more post and it would end the days of 'bullshitting101'...Unbelievable yeah..LOL. Nevermind, I already have a new title post in mind, 'Crapping101'..HaHaHa... Well, till then, take good care of yourself aight readers. Will be updating soon again.

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

Another post about L.O.V.E.

2011-11-19T21:29:00.000+08:00

I'm just sitting here, in my new home, in d hall, thinking what to write other than the bloody word - L.O.V.E.

Oh crap. I think it's gonna still be about it. Pity you readers. LMFAO~

Here it goes again.

Last night, 18th November 2011, I cried myself to sleep. Thinking that maybe he don't love me, maybe he don't care about me, ahh, all those negative thoughts lah. See right, the thing is, when you are away from the one you love, and you finish work at 3.30pm, you head home and don't have anything to do, there will be a little voice psychoing you in your head. That's exactly what happens to me. So, I fell asleep. The next thing I know, it was 3.30am+ when I received a call from him. I think that was the 1st time we talked for that long. About 30 mins? He listened to me talking rubbish and crap. LOL. That's one of the things I love about him, he listens. No matter how tired he is, or if he was about to say something but I say something, he would let me talk. Sweet eh? Hmm..But I feel pity for him also lah, to have a girlfriend who talks too much. HA-HA. We talked till his credit finished, then I called him, talked till my credit finished. Felt so exited, till I can't sleep coz my heart was beating so fast. Yes baby, you made my heart beat so fast, you make me feel so alive :) And I went work late, thank God that Ranveer texted me at 8.45am, had a super quick shower, chuck all my clothes in my bag(returning home to kajang), and went for work. Note, my work starts at 8.30am on a Saturday, I was an hour late. HaHaHa...

I told him the truth. About what I felt. I had to let it out. Like I always believe, adults talk. They share their problems, they talk, to solve things out.

Maybe all I need is that kot. A man who would just be there for me, always around me, if he's not around, at least call or text. It makes me happy. Like when we first started dating, he always calls and text me, and I felt so bubbly. When things started to change, I was always feeling so lonely. Hmm...Anyway, let's think things positive. Yes, eventhough there might be times when I would think positive, but what matters is, I have him, I love him and when he say he loves me, I believe him.

Neways, will update soon, got to go out now.

I love you readers!!

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

What's up with me and the word love?

2011-11-18T20:48:00.000+08:00

Honestly, I'm starting to feel the distance.

It was sooo sweet at first, yeah, I received numeral calls a day, text messages, but now, I'm loosing him to his job.

I just wanted a guy who would appreciate me and show that he really loves me. Hmm. What's happening? Is this normal?

Shiet, I think I just don't know how to be in a relationship. I feel like asking him to define what is 'in a relationship' is all about. Hmm. I wish he did not leave. I wish he got a job here, instead of there. But, if it wasn't because of him leaving, I would not have met him.

Fuck, fuckity fuck, I'm loosing my mind. Again, can long distance relationship work? FISHES IN D SEA mannn!!! LOL~

feeling so lost, where's that happiness i felt? hmm...

maybe coz now, im starting to think, if now he's so busy, only calls me once, don't really text anymore, and this relationship has only been for a month, how bout the other months to come? can i survive it? or am i gonna feel like shiet coz i would be missing him all d time and just swallowing it in my tummy and feel sick? hmm...

but i miss him. love? im not really sure if it's 100%. trust? i think there's only like 30% trust...hey, dont blame me for not trusting him ok, men made me be this way. all they want is just to use me and im also one bodoh case to just believe lah. haha.

well, maybe like he always say, and like my friends say too, just let time puts it all in place. i should just go with the flow right? yeap..i should..

sorry for over thinking about this matter. maybe i just did not want to get hurt again, just this once.

but damn, for the 1st time in my life, im changing, for a man. i started working out, not being anti-social again...ZOMG! haha..im such a spaz..haha..

newayz, im so psyched, he's gonna come back in just 10 days more, eventhough it's just for a very very very short time, but heck, at least i get to see him again :) yeay...can't wait to hug him, kiss him, and just stare into his eyes...*yes baby, ur eyes better be showing love.hahahaha...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#99 --> The one and only love in my heart...

2011-11-17T14:24:00.001+08:00

This is the story about my love, my life, my soul, my everything.

I’m still madly, deeply in love with my dead cat! Yeap, I don’t think, I can ever love a human being, the way I loved him. He was just too special.

"Arrow, you came into my life, changed my whole life, filled my heart from emptiness. It can never be complicated with you. The way you listened, the way you love, the way you care, I don’t think anyone can compete that. How special you are to me, how much you did for me, no one can ever imagine."

If Arrow was still alive, I would say that repeatedly. He was more than a best friend to me, he was my life. He meant the world to me.

Yes, he left me on the 7^th July of 2011, but till today, 17^th November 2011, I still cry thinking about him. I just miss him so much. I miss how he would actually lick my tears when I cry, it was like he was telling me, “Don’t cry, I’m here with you”. I also miss his smell, his soft fur, his breath, his love, his stubbornness, I just miss cuddling in bed with him, and how he would climb on me and sleep and I would have to stay in a position for a very long time.

I wish he was still alive. I want him with me, for as long as I breathe. I don’t need a man or a friend in my life, I just need Arrow. Because Arrow, would always be there for me, no matter what.

“Arrow, you will always be my one and only love, you are my one and only shining star.”

U kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#98 --> Love oh Love

2011-11-12T14:07:00.000+08:00

Oh Love...

That four lettered word..Love oh Love..

Yes readers, I'm so effed up, I think I'm in love.

He's just so sweet. I feel like there's just more to know about him. And yes, I EFFING MISS HIM SO MUCH!! Why didn't we met sooner? Hmm...

Part of me is still finding it hard to believe that he's mine. Hmm. That's normal right? I mean, when you liked someone 11 years ago, and suddenly, the man becomes someone you call 'mine'..It's also weird when I have to say 'my boyfriend'...Maybe coz I've been single for a year plus..Hmm..

Well, I hope it won't be another same old lame short relationship. I hope it will last longer, can it? Long distance relationship, will it work? I think it can...Since I got no feelings for any other man, I believe this can work out well :)

Neways, dear readers, I think I'm officially having love sick. Even thinking about him makes me smile, WTF right? I wish he didn't have to go away... :'(

I can't wait for 28th November 2011...I have a feeling I won't be able to sleep right the night before lah..HA-HA... Grrrr, I miss him so much already...been 2 weeks since he left...Fuh!! I need a chill pill!!

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#97 --> WOAHHH!!!

2011-10-31T14:53:00.001+08:00

~~Let me start with WOAHHH!!!~~

31st October 2011, is a day I thought will never happen. The guy I like since I was 14, is someone I can call MINE now?!?! WOAHH, unbelievable occay!! Seriously, simply unbelievable. I woke up today thinking it was all just a dream.

*Sayang, if you are reading this, sorry, I just have to blog about it. LMAO~

But, sadly, why the hell didn't I meet him earlier? Why after 11 years, then only meet up again? And that is also what, 2 days before he leave? Ha ha ha..That song by Selena Gomez, I love you like a love song baby..That's the song..Hmm..Well, it is sad lah, but not to the extend that I could cry..LOL~ But yeah, he's mine, but, he left to another country. DAYMNNN ok!

Yes yes, I know what I have always said about love before this, but it's still the same ok, I have changed, I find it hard to fully trust, like I said, I still can't believe I'm his. I still pretty much think it's a dream. Sayang, I'm dreaming right? haha..

Well, he will be back for a while in 29 days. Fuh.. Sabar Nathra, sabar.. Pejam celik pejam celik jer.. Eh, but weird, fine, this Rock princess has confidence issues occay. I wonder what he likes about me. I'm so not hot, he's so cute, I'm so boyish, he's so hot, I'm crazy AND psycho, he's cool, I'm like a gangster wannabe weh, W.E.I.R.D.~

It's cool.. Let's see how things goes. So far, I think he can layan my kegilaan, so, that's cool.. See right readers, Im just sick of always meeting men who just don't appreciate me, don't appreciate my love and things that I do for them. They just use me. I'm sick of all this short2 shietzos relationship. I wanna feel what it feels like to be in a long relationship, to fight, to love, to go dating, to understand each other, to share each other's life, to do things together, to be able to walk around holding hands and not worrying about what people would say or think. .So, we'll see how nice sayang can be, how he treats me, how he loves me, how he can tahan my kepale, and stuff lah ;)

Like I said in the post titled 'mommy i wanna get married',

"Can he love more than how I love him? Can he be the perfect father to my children? Can he be a great husband for me? I want a man who can love me, who can treat me right, who can take care of me like how my parents did, who can respect me, who can accept me the way I am, who will always be there for me no matter what, who will give me all the attention (LOL, I love attention...), who loves animals just like how I do, and who's not afraid to tell me straight to my face and never hide things from me."

So, yeap...occay, I think I typed a little too much of bullshits..HAHA..moving on to the next topic...

Deepavali 2011, I felt weird, not waking up in the morning to go visit Apuchi...that was what I did for 24 years of my life, and now, not anymore.. I forgot to ask dad if he was fine...Hmm.. I miss Apuchi..I really never thought I would cry at a funeral, and to miss a family member. Hmmm...

And Abang Arrow(my cat), owh how I miss him so bloody much, only God would know..I wish I could hug him again, kiss him again, smell him again, just rest my head on his tummy, sleeping with him, hear him meow, taking a walk with him, oh i miss how he would just follow behind me when i call him to walk down the hill with me..He's such an angel..I think he was an angel, sent by God, to make me happy for 9 years.. :) Sometimes I wonder, is there heaven and hell for animals? If so, is my son in heaven? Hmm...If only I could whisper to his ears again like back then, saying that I love him so much and how thankful I was that he was in my life... :'(

Work, I feel like those big big ones above me, are going against me, always rejecting my work, always scolding me, saying things behind my back and shiet...WTJACK lah weh.. come tell me straight to my face lah.. Look, I JUST HATE LIARS ok...I SIMPLY CANNOT STAND PEOPLE LYING TO ME..I rather have people telling me the truth, even though it hurts like shiet..You lie, You die...LMAO~ Apparently, they're just so effing fake. Haihh...P.L.A.S.T.I.C.S.H.I.E.T.Z.O.S.!.!.

Newayz, that's a really long update bout me eh. Ha ha ha..Owh, I miss Mr. Sunshine so much already and it has only be like what, few hours ago...LMAO~

*Sayang, I hope you will be my shinning star.. ;) What that means? Well, that's for me to know, for you to go figure...HA HA~ p/s: the way you kiss me, I know it's not a lie...

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#96 --> Update on Abang Arrow...

2011-10-22T09:40:00.000+08:00

This one is a sad one.

Note the post I posted on the July, 03 of 2011. Abang Arrow was sick then.

Did God answered to my prayers? Of me wishing that God would stop his pain and sufferings? Hmm...Maybe..But was I really ready to have let him go? Read up.

July, 07th, 2011. Abang Arrow drew his last breath at 9.20ish. I cried that whole night. I managed to hold him and talked to him before he left forever. I told him to go, that he will be at peace if he left.

July, 08th, 2011. At about 10.30am, he was buried. That's it, my baby, my life, was gone forever. It was a Friday morning, and I missed out work, for him. He was truly the one and only love of my life.

October, 22nd, 2011. I still very much misses him till bits and pieces. I still secretly cry at night, cry myself to sleep. I miss him so much. I want him so badly, I miss his smell, his fur, his face on my face. Haih. All those memories.

Pern my friend, had told me that her cat, Muffin, had passed on too, recently. Owh dear. I know how she would feel. Hmm. Only, I felt it alot, because of the SO MANY CATS i've been having. He He He.

Well, I just pray so hard now, that my 7 babies will be alright and live as long as I live. Owh, did I mention, I rescued 3 cats. 1 cat from the road near Nad's apartment, 2 kittens (which 1 I kept, 1 I gave to the staff at the vet's office), and recently, found 1 kitten, so weak, abandoned at my home. I think, rescued is my favourite breed! :) But I love my other 4 babies too. He He He. I love all of them equally!

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#95 Mommy, find me a husband!

2011-09-27T08:40:00.000+08:00

MOMMY, I wanna get married!!!

Oh Dear...

Yes, I want to get married. Oh all the pressure I get from friends my same age, getting married, having their second baby, married...Arghhh... It's making me crazy.

I'm aging, forward, not backwards. Where oh Where thou my future husband be?

Man.
Can they be trusted? Can he love more than how I love him? Can he be the perfect father to my children? Can he be a great husband for me? Bla Bla Bla...

Haih.. All these same bloody questions repeat again and again on my head. I want to love, but I'm scared to love, but I want to feel love, but I'm afraid of love. Damn you love. Love is not just a four letter word, love is not nice, love is evil, love is not beautiful, it is ugly. Hey, don't blame me for saying all this, cause this are all from my experience.

I want a man who can love me, who can treat me right, who can take care of me like how my parents did, who can respect me, who can accept me the way I am, who will always be there for me no matter what, who will give me all the attention (LOL, I love attention...), who loves animals just like how I do, and who's not afraid to tell me straight to my face and never hide things from me.

"Money is not everything. Looks does not matter. What matters is, the brain and the heart :) Because I believe that from the brain and the heart, you can achieve a whole lot of wonders." quote by Nathra ND

So, where oh where, thou my future husband be?

u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#94 Updates about me...

2011-07-03T19:29:00.000+08:00

So, after the news I received about one of my baby, Arrow...

I returned home last Friday, only to find him in his worst condition. OMG, I felt so bad. If only I had the powers to do something. Mom said I should put him to sleep, but Tash said let him die naturally. F-U-C-K, that's the four letter word that is going on on my mind. What should I do? I really haven't got a clue about whether I should or should not put him to sleep, or whether I should or should not let him suffer like what he's going through now. He's on my mind all the time. Can't concentrate on life like usual. W-O-R-K S-U-C-K L-I-K-E- F-U-C-K, even worst. Haihh.. I came up with a conclusion, that there's only 2 option left in this world for me. 1 is to D.I.E. or 2 is to G.E.T. M.A.R.R.I.E.D. Hmm...Can I go with die?

You know, I realized something, since I started working, I became fatter, even worse than a piggo. I dosh like crazy, like there was no more days left to dosh. The worst part is, I BECAME A NEGATIVE PERSON AGAIN!!! WTJACK right? So, do you guys think that work is good for me? I don't know man. I regret with my whole soul, that I did the course I did, and that I don't have the guts to hurt my parents by telling them the truth.

Oh shit. Am at Mcd, writing this blog, and I feel like crying. What a loser. LMAO.

Let's pray that my baby will either get well, or God could stop his suffering. AND that I will get married, or die. Ngeeee~

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#92 - Just a thought post

2011-06-02T22:32:00.000+08:00

Hey readers, how have y'all been doing?

So, this post might be a little deep. Just a thought that came to me yesterday as I was thinking while watching TV. As usual, my brains can never stop thinking. NGEEE~

Well, think about this.

You are who you are today. Have you ever thought that you would be who you are today, or what you are doing today?

For examples, college students, have you ever thought that you'd be in college today? Maybe previously you're just a screwed up high school kid who screw up things in high school, but today, you are in a college. Aren't you proud of yourself? Wow. When I was in highschool, that was me, I fooled around, exams never mattered much to me and I WAS NEVER SCARED OR NERVOUS on exam days. LOL. I felt sooo weird looking at all my friends being nervous for exams back then. But hey, then when I was in college, the 1st year was tough, wait, think about it, my whole 3 years was a torture. LMAO. I kept saying that I was gonna quit, that I was gonna die and all those negative shietzos. But heck, I made it through. And this Saturday, 4th of June will be my Graduation Ceremony. WOAH. I'm a prouddddddddd women!

Now, some of you might be doctors, designers, photographers, executives, teachers, engineers and so on, maybe even bummers. Have you ever thought that you'd be who you are today? Or today, have you ever just snapped for a second and thought 'woah, look at where I am today'? Well, for me, I used to think that I don't fit to be a designer, but heck, I am a graphic designer and a photographer today. Wow. Amazing, eventhough I just hate it so much. LMAO. But still, I've been that for like 3 months now, and yet, it's still pretty unbelievable. Hmm. Aren't you proud of what you made of yourself? Maybe your parents never believed in you back then, and BOOOMMMMM, now you're somebody. Wow. Amazing ain't it?

This post was actually written because of my brother in law. It just came up to my head, and I was so close to asking him 'have you ever thought that you'd be who you are today?' He's just amazing. I love the fact that God made him my brother in law and not some other guy. :)

Anyway, readers, do think about this. But hey, to those of you who's just bumming around out there, don't feel miserable aite, coz, working life is just not even close to great. I'd say, college was way better. But do plan something for yourself. Don't waste life. If you really have nothing to do, or maybe waiting for a job, why don't go take the time to think what life is really all about. Is it doing the same routine everyday or the same boring routine everybody does (study, work, get married, have a family, bla bla bla), or is there something more to it? Go figure that out.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Do not forget to always use our brains, so, T.H.I.N.K.!! =)

P/s: Message to bummers. Did you know that if you don't exercise your brains(like doing crosswords,trivias or wordsearch and so on), you most probably have the potential of having memory lost and Alzheimer when you're old? So, chopp chopp, start exercising!!

u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#91 -Life updates

2011-05-31T20:46:00.000+08:00

Woah...

Feels sooo long since I logged on here.

Well, no, I never forgotten that I have a bloglife. LOL. I've been busy.

Here's the updates.

1) OMG, work? Damn, I should have studied super hard in high school so I could work with animals now instead of the lame art world. Haih. Art actually don't even matter in my life. -REGRETS.

2) My work? Well it's ok lah. My superiors are treating me fine. My graphic design 'sifu', well I call him sifu coz he's my senior and he's like super fast at work. WOAH!!I'm so jealous of his great talent. But there is this si pendek who's so effing annoying and I hate her so much that I can puke in her car, on her face, and this is just not normal puke, it's blood puke!!URGH! Yes, that is how much I hate her. Haha. My friend cik L, I like to be friends with her. She's nice. And also cik G, she's sweet. Part of me feels like quitting, like giving up. But, I'm not a quitter, I only say the word 'quit', like a million times, but I never had the guts to do it. Haih..Dunno lah. My sister and bro in law ask me to quit. I mean, seriously, what kind of workplace don't even support your medical bills..HAIH...Damn, I'm lost. If I quit, I don't think I would wanna stay in the design world. I wanna work with animals SOOO BADLY!!!

3) At this age, my hearts beats even faster when I think of animals. My love for animals is becoming too strong that even I myself is so afraid. Shhh. This is a secret and you readers are the 1st to know. When I see those dead carcasses lying helplessly on the road, OMG, I could stand it. The more I see, the more I wanna lock myself in a dark room forever. Is that possible?Coz I would love to do it. Last month, in April, I saved a helpless little kitten from the road, she was just waiting for death to happen. I brought her home, Dad scolded me, Mom did too, but I rather get all the scoldings than just leaving the kitten behind. If you readers saw what I saw, you'd do the same thing. And even till today, I can never get that picture out of my head, it's like a broken record playing over and over again. Anyway, she's healthy now, and she's like a little devil. Seriously. Everyone has scratches all over. LOL.

4) My baby Abang(Arrow), he's super old. He's so skinny, seriously, like just bones and skin and fur. Yesterday I saw his picture when he was so healthy, I just cried. I would rather have his sickness than letting him have his sickness. He can't even walk straight anymore. :'(

5) Since my Apuchi left this world, I'm missing her. Hmm. I wish she was still around. :(

6) My graduation will be happening this Saturday. OMG! Scary. What should I do on that day. ARGHHH!!!

Anyway, my lappie's battery is running low. Will update real soon. Promise..hehehe..

u kno u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#90 - OH MY GOD! It's been a month working & OMG, I met IED!!

2011-04-06T07:55:00.000+08:00

Wow!!!

I can't believe that it's been a month now since I've started working. Who knew this 'Miss I wanna do nothing when I grew up' is in the adult's world, also known as the working world. Haha. So the ka-chings are now lying safely in the bank, but yesterday I had to take out some(which seem SOOO MUCH) to pay for my car loan. DAMN lah...After taking it out, my mind just went crazy thinking 'omg, what if it's not enough to support me for a month?' Aiyoo..Scared...

OMG!!Yesterday, also, 5th April 2011, I met the one person I have been looking for, talking about, searching for ever since 2009! IED! Yeap, I met him yesterday, FINALLY! Haha. So he gained weight. Wow, for a policeman who use to have the perfect hot bod, now having a belly and so, shit, it's sooo not hot ok! But WTH lah right, I've gained weight too(BUT IM JUST A G.D.,NOT A EFFING POLICE!), nevermind lah, whatever lah right? hehe. Coz I still like him just the way he is. But, now it's too early to say things, whether I'm in a relationship or not, even though he said yes yesterday, but then, men will always be men, a lying machine(no offense). HA-HA-HA!! He said I will get to meet him again today, but let's see how things goes, especially since he has turned his phone off. What? Is this the 1st sign? Haha..We'll see.....Let time tells it all.

So, that's the latest update lah readers. Nothing new, nothing old. But fresh from the oven stories though. LMAO~

p/s: Abang Arrow(my cat, my son) is so old now. Weak bones. Can't walk perfectly even though his appetite is just extremely over perfect, but he's so skinny. I hope he will live long. My prayers goes to my cats that they will live long and healthy, to my tortoise and the eggs she laid - that the eggs will hatch, AND TO ALL THE ANIMALS IN THIS CRUEL WORLD THAT ARE BEING KILLED, ABUSED, RUN-OVER BY VEHICLES!!MAY GOD BLESS YOUR SOULS!

u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#89 - Working Life...And brains that can't seem to forget IED. URGH.

2011-03-13T15:02:00.000+08:00

WOAH!!!

I survived work of 2weeks yaw...Work is fun lah..Stress comes along the way once in a while of course, owh come on, tell me which work place has no stress. But apart from stress, Im starting to get the hang of it. Work mates are awesome people. I love them. They are really fun and awesome. Work is sort of free and easy, not much pressure. Food? Well, we found a shop that has RM5.90 buffet weh.. That's damn cheap..WOOTWOOT!! Haha...

OHH!!!

Anywayz, for as long as I've worked, that is also the amount of time IED has been on my darn mind. URGHHH!!!I'm still not getting a hang of it ok!! Starting to hate it. What kind of person says he loves you, but never do a single thing to what he says. Last week Sunday we talked. I felt happy lah weh. Then he goes missing again, LIKE USUAL!!! AIyOO...WTF la dei? Cheikk!! I want him out of my mind. Please lah God, please take him away from my mind and heart!!!

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#88 - The Big $$, it changed humans.

2011-02-27T23:34:00.000+08:00

All these while, I've always said that life is cruel, that life is evil. But now, after growing up, I change my mind. Life is not cruel, the people in it are cruel. My sister once told me that there's no nice people in this world, and that this is a man eat man world. What she said is certainly true. Everyone has something to achieve, something they want, therefore, they are willing to choose to hurt their friends, their loved ones, their family. I hope I wont be one of those cruel ones. I hope each time I forget, God will always remind me to come back to my senses.

Sometimes I feel pity for those who tend to forget about love, life and God. All they see are the big $$ in front of them. What happened to humans? What made them be who they are? I am going to start work soon, but I'm not working for the money. But then, when I start thinking about the responsibilities I have, to pay for my study loan, to pay for my car, my babies(cats) food, my toiletteries, my bills, OMG, somehow after all the calculation, it feels like it's never enough. "Is that is?" I asked myself. Am I going to be one of those who will be blinded by the big $? Oh gosh..

As long as we remember who we are once, and always pray for guidance from God, hopefully, Godwilling, we wont be blind. I pray for myself and every single human being living in this world. Then maybe the world would be a beautiful place to live in again.

Think about it.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#87 - All in 1 (update)

2011-02-15T00:51:00.000+08:00

So, I've been feeling pretty low since 29th January 2011.

The story goes like this.....

28th January 2011 - Tash(my sister) came back for a holiday from AbuDhabiBaby..Felt sooo happy getting to see her again..LOL..

29th January 2011 - This day, I can never forget. Tash accompanied me to Rozana's wedding. Then, we dropped by home, pick Arrow(my cat) up and went to the vet. At 5.30pm, we were already back home, talking to dad, asking about how Apuchi(my grandma) is cause she's not well. At that time too, dad received a call from my aunty's maid, saying that Apuchi is gone. :'( Then we all rushed to Damansara from Kajang in 2 different cars. Yeap, she left forever on this date. My grandma, who would be turning 100 years old this March 2011, died. I was so sad. On the 30th January 2011, was her funeral, she was cremated this day. For the 1st time in my life, I cried at a funeral. I love my Apuchi so much. She was so kind to us sisters. I remember when we were little, she took care of us cause our parents was away, she was forcing us to sleep, and Nadia influenced Tash to not sleep. Then they called me, and I ran along with them, locked ourselves in a room, and Apuchi was screaming outside the door. Then Nadia unlocked the door and jumped up to our double decker bed. Apuchi couldnt reach us, but I remember clearly, she was screaming and scolding us with a thin cane(yeap,my mom always kept canes at home). Oh how naughty we were. But hey, I was influenced ok!!LOL..Apuchi was also so generous. Oh dear, I miss her alot..Hmm..Since January 29th, I've been so lazy to come online, cried alone alot, been feeling lost too. Haihh..

Hmmmm.......

8th February 2011 - I went for another interview, at Fairview International School. WOAH. They were so impressed with my photography skill. Wow, I felt so proud that day, I swore I could have jumped like crazy at that time, but I couldnt. LOL.

Dont remember date - Iedrus texted me. Few days before, I sent him a text thanking him for the good times we had last time. I also did mention that I won't text him anymore. So then he texted me back few days later. He also said that he still loves me and stuff. Oh, I also got to hear his voice again. He changed. He sounded more mature and fierce. LOL. Anyway, that night, felt soooo good, laughing and talking and texting with him. But then, the next day, and the next day, and the next day, till now, he went silent again. WTF right? Damn weird lah he. URGH~ Piss the hell out of me!

12th February 2011 - Tash left back to AbuDhabiBaby, back to her working life. Haihh..No more doshing partner, no more roommate, no more laughing gang. Damn...

14th February 2011 - The day couples love soo much. BLERGH~ So called Valentine's day. Lots of Muslim couples were caught on this day too. Tsk Tsk..Ape nak jadi dengan melayu sekarang. Haha.Ni lah namanya Dunia Akhir Zaman ye. Hmm. ANYWAY!!!!Bloody funny lah this day. I woke up, thinking I peed in my sleep, cause my pants on the right of my thighs were wet, my bed too. I went to the toilet, touch my underwear, it was dry. Then I remembered, Mama(my cat) woke me up earlier, wanting to go out, but I was just so tired, I just slept off. HAH. She took revenge on me and peed on my bed..DAMN...So, there goes my day answer of 'what am i gonna do today'. HAHA. I washed my duvet, my bedsheet and my pants. Put it to dry, cooked lunch, washed the toilet..Somehow, when alone at home, I love doing housework. I love it when people don't see me doing work. Hahahaha... Then, I saw a misscall, from a landline number from Ampang. BAMMM, my heart knew it was Fairview International School, cause I was pretty confident I SCORED the interview..HEHEHEHE....So I called back, yeap, she said 'CONGRATULATIONS', and I was just smiling.....hahahaha... Right after that, I called dad, then mom, then tried calling Nadia, but no answer, so I texted her instead. It all went with 'Guess who's gonna start paying for her own life now?' YEAPPP!!!!OMG OMG OMG, Im gonna have to start paying my education loan, my car loan, my cat's food, my toiletteries, my clothes, my dosh, my petrol, my toll, ARGHHHH, my my my and myyyyyy....HAIYAAAAA~ COMMITMENTS!!! See, that's why I don't wanna get married, cause if not, I'm gonna have to pay for wedding, then share money with husband, then baby's pampers, baby's this, baby's that..FUCK ALL THAT...hahahaha...

Yeah, I guess that's it for the updates.. Hmmm... Hope to update soon. Thanks for reading =)

u kno u love me,

x.o.x.o.

bullshitting 101~#86 - Job Interview

2011-01-25T01:24:00.000+08:00

Well, here's the updates on jobs.

Erm, my 1st interview was in Dec 2010, the eve of Christmas, 24th December, at 6.30pm. Yeah, crazy, it was Christmas eve, and they work late. LOL. The pay offered was too low, after calculating expences, I didn't quite like the job, especially after knowing that the work time was from 9 to 11 at night and there are time where they have to work on weekends. PERGH! Crazy, with only RM1500?? Travelling all the way from Kajang to Damansara? No thank you. LOL.

So, I have another interview tomorrow, 25th January 2011. This one, I have to thank Miss P, for helping me to ask her boss if they have a job placement. :) THANK YOU CIK P!!! Well, I'm not sure if I will get it or not, but, miss P, seriously, you asked your boss pun dah cukup, even if he/she said no. :) 

Oh dear, let's see how things goes tomorrow yeah.

But I'm hoping to get a job with butter&bread advertising. From their job ad, they seem like a fun company to work with. Hmm. I dunno lah. Let's just put it all in the magic of my confidence and in the hands of God. =)

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#85 - 24th January 2011 message from Ied.

2011-01-25T01:17:00.000+08:00

Today, I woke up at 8am, went to the vet, brought my 3 sick cats. My phone was on silent at all times and was just left in my bag in the car. At about 12ish, I took out my phone, while I was waiting for mom to buy groceries. I saw a message.

10:35am

Sorry la, smlm sy tido.. tggl mana skrg?

12:24pm

O..dah hbis bljr. sy keja ok...

12:30pm

Blum lg x da jodoh lg. awk?

*this message was replied to me because I asked if he's married. LMAO~

12:35pm

Skrg awk masih dgn dia?

*this message was replied to me because I told him that the last ex bf I had was the one he saw - Mr. M...

12:41pm

Oo...ingt dah khawin..

*this message was replied to me because I think he got confused. LOL. Then I told him I was single since april of 2010.

12:49pm

X da pun jgk..

*this message was replied to me because I was curious all the time since the broke up, if he had dated other girls after our break up. Just as I thought so..LOL..

12:58pm

Smpai skrg ke? ke u ingt masa... hehe..

*this message was replied to me because I told him that I once saw him driving a police car, then I turned back, saw a police car, and I followed it because I thought it was him, but it wasnt. Then I also said I was sorry because I just couldnt stop thinking about him since the break up. After this message reply, I replied back saying that I can't stop thinking about him because he's the only guy whom actually had alot in common with me, and he understands me, and that I could feel love from him back then.

That was it. Then, total silent again. I don't know if he went silent because the message I sent freaked him out, or because he fell asleep, again. LOL. But after the no reply for hours, I sent 1 message saying 'ey, awk tertido lg ek? awk masih kerja mlm ek? takpe.. i fhm. u mesti penat. u jaga diri k. :) '

LMAO~

Somehow, if felt weird. After all these years of wanting to find him so badly, wanting him so badly and just want want want, now that he finally started texting me, after TOO long, I feel like, excited but scared. Hmm. See right, I don't want someone who's just gonna be my boyfriend. I'm actually looking for a man with a husband quality. I know he has that in him, but the work part is terrible, but then, the Q is, if he ever get back with me again, that is if he do la, will my parents accept him? Hmmm.....A long ponder there.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#84 - The ex is back a.k.a. IED!

2011-01-24T00:43:00.000+08:00

Oh dear.

since the break up in July 2008, I have been waiting and waiting.

I was not able to get him out of my head no matter how many replacements I had.

Let's recap.

2010 Hari Raya Aidilfitri.

I went to the bookstore, purchaced the most awesome raya card, wrote a really long message in it, sneaked up to Ied's house postbox, so many postbox, oh well, townhouse, so place the card in one postbox that I pressume it was his, apparently it was the wrong one, Miss P said someone placed the card in another postbox, then one day, the card was gone, I had a lot of assumptions back then, thought someone stole it, or maybe he didn't want to be friends anymore, maybe his brother secretly read it then threw it away blablabla. Woah, that's a long recap. Haha.

Today, 23rd January 2011.

I received a text message that reads 'hai ni natra ke?' Well usually I'd go super rude by answering 'no,ini nathra' See, I hate it when people spells my name wrongly. But, heck, I was asleep when I heard my phone saying 'one message received', yeap, that's my message tone. LOL. So I just replied 'yes.' That was it. I slept back. Then I woke up about 1.30pm, went for shower, came out, while I was getting dressed, I received another text message saying 'sorry ganggu trima kasih la sbb hntr kad raya hari 2..' And my heart seriously paused(nope, it didnt stopped,LOL), I was like, oh shoots. Ok, the reason why that happened? Coz he was the only man, person , human being that I sent a card to last year ok. So, totally easy to know who the person was right? Then I replied 'Erm, iedrus?' and he sent another message that reads 'Ya sy...' WOAH!!!!!IT IS IEDRUS...pergh..onli this time, there wasnt test..damn, I shud have given a test question like back then eh? See how much he remembers rite? LOL. Neway. I replied 'Owh, i ingat, u dah benci i...' Then he replied a message that reads 'X da mana ada pun..' So I thought to myself that 'ok, he's cool with being friends' and I replied him saying 'Saya nk mintak maaf, sbb seludup letak kad tu kat peti surat u. kelakar je masa tu. owh, kerja mcmmana?' and that message was sent at 2.56pm, now it's 12.35AM..Still no reply. Well I did text him once at 8'ish at night, saying 'hi..tgh buat ape?'...But still no reply. I don't want to call him, or even texting again, because last time, we broke up because apparently he claims that I don't understand his job. So, I better just shut now, let him start. Right? OMG, I don't even know what's right and what's wrong anymore. ARGHHH!!!

Newayz, let's just see how things goes. Really need a dosh right now. LOL.

p/s: I've been single since April 2010. WOOT WOOT!!!

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#83 - Been Busy

2011-01-24T00:20:00.000+08:00

Woah, went lost for a while then.

So, the updates...Yeah, I've been seriously looking for a job now. Figured out that I can't be taking money from my broke parents all the time right. :) Good step to being mature! Woohoo! Lol..Occay, I've been busy, sleeping at 4am, waking up at 4pm, looking for job at night, replying comments on my facebook, deleting my notification emails, crazy nonsense facebook chats and bla bla bla...I did thought of logging in to update my blog, but, I didn't quite felt like writing. Hmm. Wait, do you readers think that I fit to be a writer? Since I was recently active on blogging, I felt like I love writing. Oh, I haven't wrote poems in such a long time eh? Hmm. Gosh, so many things I wanna do and HAVE TO DO before I die.. Hmm.

Newayz, all this pushing around by everyone, asking me of what I'm doing, pushing me to work, it finally went through my thick skull, that I just have got to look for a job for the money to survive AND SO THAT EVERYONE WOULD LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Hahaha. No seriously, try having people pushing you around, telling you what to do, bla bla bla. Then lecturers told you A, these people telling you to fuck what the lecturers said and just go with B..Which one I should listen to? People who has been in this industry I'm in or someone who's completely not from the art stream? Hmm. Blank. Confused. Lost. Silent. Just die please. LMAO~

Oh, well, actually, what's with all the anger. Sorry, had to let it out somewhere right? I didn't have anyone to tell, so, it's totally not wrong writing about it. Hmm. Anyway, money. Why is money so important? Why did humans become slaves to the word money? Humans would seriously do anything for money right? Even to the extend of having to self their baby, or selling their body, or loosing their family, even loosing their body parts. Seriously crazy.

Have you readers actually got the chance to just pause your life, and just take a look around? Seriously, I've done it so many times. Look, our lives, everything is in the face pace, that's why it's called human race right? It's all a race, everyone running, rushing, fighting against the time. Just try this. Seriously. One day, when you're out shopping, just stop, pause, and look around at everyone. Or if you're stuck in a jam, pause, look around at other drivers. Or if you're standing, in a packedfull train, pause, look around. Try to observe. Everyone has money written all over their mind. But if you observe closely, you will find peace and calm at one of the faces you see. You know why? Because, that is the face that doesn't think that money is everything, that face doesn't put money first. Then when you are done observing, look at your self, see through your mind, ask yourself, weren't you thinking of money too?

Do you know why we adults always say that kids don't understand us? Because we created that reason. We choose to jump from peace, happy and free world into a messy, dark and gloomy world of our own. Do you even remember how peaceful your heart was beating back then when you were little? I do, and I still do feel it most of the time. Humans were never our enemy. The true enemy that is bringing us down, money. It sucks the life out of you, your soul, your strength, your heart, your feelings and all the power in you. At the end, here I am, writing about you, and there you are, being called as a slave to money.

Wow, it's been a long post now. You all go have fun. I shall continue doing my thing. I'm feeling another post. Aha.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#82 - Job survey...

2011-01-13T03:26:00.000+08:00

So, I've been registering at Job pages..And I found 1 page that requires me to do a survey. A little tiring to do so, but the answers were fun. Haha. Here it goes:

At a Glance

• Does not strive to complete tasks, prepared to leave work unfinished.Expresses emotions and needs attention. Tends to be concerned with own opinions and feelings.

• Empathetic, understanding, helpful and supportive.

• Does not seek positions of power or authority.

• Less trusting, but has the skills to engage people to fulfill own objectives.

• A good supporter of others.

• Less inclined to decide how and what needs to be done ahead of schedule.

While at Work

Ms Devarajah is prepared to put in hard work moderately but she may at times prefer to work at her own pace.

Ms Devarajah is relatively dependable to deliver results on time. She may sometimes be late in meeting deadlines.

Ms Devarajah initiates plans and ideas easily but may not persist with the tasks until completion. She is prepared to leave tasks unfinished; hence she may prefer short-term assignments as she is more likely to complete these tasks. She may lose interest and focus when working on long term assignments.

Ms Devarajah is able to produce work that is moderately high in quality but she may at times be careless.

Ms Devarajah is an emotional person. She finds it difficult to conceal her feelings. She is likely to seek attention from others. Ms Devarajah is passionate, romantic and warm, and needs to be with people. As her emotional needs are high, she is often the 'taker' in a relationship. She tends to make decisions based on her own feelings and opinions.

Ms Devarajah is sympathetic and considerate towards others. She is also likely to be tolerant, understanding and forgiving. Ms Devarajah lends support and offers help readily. She often lends a listening ear to others and is concerned about their welfare. She is also charitable.

Ms Devarajah is friendly and outgoing when she is with friends although she may at times prefer to be quiet.

Ms Devarajah selectively forms strong bonds with people although these bonds may not be very deep.

Positions of power, influence and authority are not Ms Devarajah's concern. She does not mind letting others assert authority over her. She is accommodating, laid back and easy-going.

Ms Devarajah is moderately concerned with prestige, rank and reputation.

Ms Devarajah is skilful in managing people. She can be an excellent negotiator and is persuasive. She is also diplomatic and tactful in dealing with people. Ms Devarajah not only understands human behaviour and motives, she is also able to engage them to accomplish her objectives. Although curious and accurate about human nature, she neither trusts nor believes people easily.

A good supporter to the people around her, Ms Devarajah does not desire to lead or influence people. She is uncomfortable taking charge and does not feel the thrill of challenge in leading others. She prefers to responds rather than initiate. She looks to others to provide direction and does not naturally want to persuade or motivate others to take a certain course of action.

Ms Devarajah is as keen to explore abstract concepts when the topic appeals to her and she is as interested to discuss theoretical issues as the average person.

Being less inclined to plan, Ms Devarajah has the tendency to be disorganized, unsystematic and reactive to the situation. She may waste time and effort because she may end up having to rework her tasks due to lack of planning.

Ms Devarajah is generally able to express herself although not to a high degree of eloquence.

Ms Devarajah is generally able to tolerate some uncertainty although she would be uncomfortable if uncertainty or changes increase.

So,that's about it..hehe..

u know u love me,
-x.o.x.o.-

bullshitting 101~#81 - Forget.

2011-01-03T21:29:00.000+08:00

Forget.

That's what I need to do now. So many things I need to forget. But now, the main priority on my forget list is Mr. E. Yes. Him.

I need to forget my feelings for him. Gosh, I feel stupid each time I like a guy. Stupid right? I should'nt be liking any guys, especially after all the shietzos I had to go through because of the bloody creatures created called men. Oh, maybe I was dating boys all these while. Now, I'm 25. Yet, still can't find a man, wait, I can't even see a man in my life, all I see are stupid male humans. LOL.

So, Im giving up on Mr E. This give up is not the bad kind of give up that you all hear. This one is good. I must forget my feelings for him or any other guys. Plus, I need to concentrate on finding a job, so that I could save money to re-do my swimming pool. Weeee~ Swim naked?NOT!! LMAO~

This is it, yes, it might take sometime, especially to stop writing about him, but I know damn sure that I can do it. Easy as 1,2 and 3. :) If I made it, letting go all those stupid species of male humans in my life, Mr. E will be an easy one too. Especially now, that Im starting to question what I actually feel for him. I know, it's going away. I'm letting go and I'm glad I am letting go. LOL.

Nathra always end up doing stupid decisions or at least always end up making herself look stupid. HAHA. But, this time, I know, this is the right decision. I know I'm right in what I'm doing now. And I'm glad I made this decision.

One thing I learn.

As humans, we never fail to receive choices or options. It's all up to us, of what we choose to do. People say it's all faith, but did you know, faith can be changed?

Why are we being called the human race? Because we always tend to run, always after something, always late, always have something to do. Everything is a race. Can we stop, look around, take a deep breath and feel the moment of being able to pause. That would be a good one.

u kno u love me,

-x.o.x.o.-